Posts Tagged Los Angeles

Heavy Metal Television Listings in The Alternate Dimension of Blargh

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Every Sunday night between 5:15 and 5:17, thanks to a mixture of transcendental yoga, Nyquil and Shiatsu, my mind travels to a dimension similar to our own.  This parallel universe is known simply as Blargh.

Many of the details of The Blargh Dimension are similar.  For example, the San Francisco Giants have won two of the last four World Series there as well.  However, there are also some major differences.  For example, in Blargh, the Giants best pitcher is a 14-foot tall polar bear with 11 arms.

One of the most extreme differences between their world and ours is the role of heavy metal in their lives.  The average resident of Blargh listens to roughly 22 hours of heavy metal a day.  By the age of 11, all Blarghian children are tested on Venom and Slayer lyrics.  If they make even one mistake, they are fed to one of the thousands of giant lobsters that live in tunnels below the cities.

I have been trying to convince people of my travels for years.  However, the story is a bit far-fetched and proof is hard to come by.  However, this Sunday, I was able to rip out a page from the Blarghian TV Guide and smuggle it back.  Here is the evidence of the existence of this world, along with a good sampling of what the average Blarghian watches on network television (President-For-Life Agnew banned cable TV in the 1980s and, consequently, they only have three channels).

CBS

8:00-9:00            Marduk, She Wrote

Everyone’s favorite 276-year old detective Angela Lansbury teams up with Swedish metal blasphemers Marduk to solve mysteries and promote neo-fascism.

9:00-9:30              Jeff Walker, Texas Ranger

After leaving Carcass, metal legend Jeff Walker uses his extensive knowledge of human anatomy to fight crime and poor hygiene in Texas.

9:30-10:00              Touched By A Morbid Angel

A heartwarming show that features David Vincent giving fake messages from God to strangers and making them do really horrifying things to their loved ones.

10:00-11:00             The Dukes of Biohazard

Brothers Bo and Spyder Jonez speed around a post-apocalyptic Brooklyn in a car with a confederate flag painted on the roof while trying to avoid police officers and members of the Baseball Furies gang.

NBC

8:00-8:30                        Leave it To Believer

Jerry Mathers stars as an Kurt Bachman, an 8-year old musical prodigy who writes Christian death metal songs and gets into all sorts of mischief with his brother Wally.

8:30-9:00                        Powermad About You

An aging Minneapolis thrash band fall head over heels in love with Helen Hunt and attempt to marry her in violation of New York’s ban on polygamy.

9:00-10:00                        In Battle There is No LA Law

Seven-time Emmy winning actress Jo Bench and the members of Bolt Thrower star as hip Los Angeles attorneys who drive around in sports cars while dressing as characters from Warhammer.

10:00-11:00                        Falconer Crest

Lorenzo Llamas stars as a power metal vocalist who tries to wrestle control of a winery from Ronald Reagan’s ex-wife.

ABC

8:00-8:30                        All In The Manson Family

Marilyn Manson is a crusty but benign racist who argues incessantly with his leftist son-in-law and humiliates his “dingbat” wife.

8:30-9:00                        Newhartwork

A spin off of Jeff Walker, Texas Ranger.  Walker retires and opens a bed and breakfast in a Vermont that is visited by traveling grindcore bands and Elvis impersonators.

9:00-9:30                        Fantomas Island

Mike Patton, Dave Lombardo, Hervé Villechaize, and Ricardo Montalban are trapped on a magical island that is haunted by the ghost of Henry Mancini.

10:00-11:00                        Highway To Hell

Bon Scott stars as a demon attempting to force wayward souls to make bad life decisions and end up condemned to eternal suffering.  Michael Landon and the scuzzy looking guy who always wear the Oakland A’s hat co-star.

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New ESPN Commercial Features Metallica Drummer Lars Ulrich Eating Wilt Chamberlain’s Pituitary Gland

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When Lars Ulrich paid $120,000 dollars for the rights to own former Laker great Wilt Chamberlain’s pituitary gland last month at a Los Angeles auction, experts speculated that he was losing his mind.  After all, what possible use could the gland of a four-time NBA most valuable player have?  People laughed as Lars overbid by almost $100,000 dollars to ensure he locked up the rights to the secretory organ.  They aren’t laughing anymore.

During a soon-to-be-aired ESPN commercial, Lars began gnawing on Chamberlain’s gland while the rest of the band stood around telling standard, boring rockstar jokes.   By the end of the commercial Lars had grown to the height of 8 foot 3.  Only recently, height experts had estimated Ulrich to be a mere 5 foot 6.   Some experts have speculated that Ulrich’s height may reach 11 foot 7 within the next month.

Ulrich Moments Before His Appearance Onstage in Sao Paulo

Ulrich Moments Before His Appearance On ESPN

The consumption of the glands by metal celebrities is rare but not unheard of.  Back in 2006, Slayer vocalist Tom Araya was seen chewing on the adrenal gland of famed actor Lee Marvin at a Corrosion of Conformity show.  At the time, many experts in the field of adrenal gland eating believed that Lee Marvin’s organ contained a rare hormone that would allow anyone consuming it to become invisible for 12 hours.  Araya, however, merely ended up with a headache and a brief, bizarre hallucination where he believed that he was former President Rutherford B. Hayes.

While consuming the glands of other humans tends to be unpopular, the inhalation of donkey glands has become a fad among many of today’s teens.  Snorting donkey glands (or glarfing as many teens call it) has become the main recreational activity of a whole generation of adolescents.  The effects of one “rail” of donkey gland can be feelings of unbridled euphoria, the power to control the minds of others, werewolfism and even, in some cases, vortex breath (the ability to exhale gale force winds from one’s mouth and nostrils).

In spite of the fact that they are illegal in 26 states, donkey glands are available at most corner gas stations and even some supermarkets.  According to some donkey gland abuse experts, 1 out of every 3 American teens have experimented with glarfing.   Police are reporting an alarming rise in the number glarfing and driving arrests.  The U.S. might well be in the grips of a donkey gland snorting epidemic.

The logistical ramifications of Lars’ decision to abuse the gland of Wilt Chamberlain could be significant.  After all, fitting behind a drum kit at nearly 12 feet tall might pose a serious challenge to the once diminutive Ulrich.  However, the bigger concern for society at large are the effects of a role model like Ulrich sending the message that it is “cool” for young people to engage in glandular abuse.

With America facing a glarfing crisis, some experts believe the tacit celebrity endorsement of the recreational consumption of glands could lead to a situation where all forms of authority are undercut and full-scale anarchy and chaos grip the nation.  The American family could be entirely annihilated.  Humans might be replaced by zombie-like, gland-addicted creatures that stumble through the streets at all hours searching for their next fix.

The entire fabric of modern civilization might be destroyed.  Or even worse, many of the long cherished records held by professional athletes could be shattered by hormone-gargling, mutant “superathletes”.  Many experts believe that the only solution to this epidemic is a full scale War on Glands where the military is used to break up international gland cartels and high school students are subjected to twenty hours per week of gland abuse reeducation.

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Morgan Freeman Slated To Play King Diamond In New Film

Freeman Outside of a Mercyful Fate Concert In 2001

In what some critics are calling the role of a lifetime, Oscar winning actor Morgan Freeman has been selected to play King Diamond in the forthcoming biopic “King For a Day, King For A Lifetime”.  Paramount Pictures, looking to capitalize on his most recent American tour, expect to put the film out by October 2015.

The script was penned in less than two days by the reanimated corpse of Charles Dickens, who The King himself brought back from the dead in a Satanic ritual last week.  Executives at Paramount were so impressed with the script that they have agreed to spend 100 million on the project and release it in 3-D.

Freeman was far from the only actor who was interested in the role.  Actor and speed-addled lunatic James Woods campaigned hard for the role by dressing as King Diamond and robbing several banks in the Los Angeles metropolitan area.  Actor Sir Lawrence Olivier was originally offered the part, but was unable get a visa to leave Purgatory for the four months of filming that would be required to complete the picture.

Creating a script for The King’s life was a challenge considering he is 879 years old and has lived through most of recorded history.  Distilling that much time into a 2-hour film was a challenge, but Dickens was able to pull it off.  The film will focus on his music career, his survival during The Spanish Inquisition, and his extraordinary battle with Satan for control of Hell back in 1964 after an argument over the fate of singer Trini Lopez.

Freeman, a major King Diamond fan who has each of the King’s solo records mounted on the walls of his Fresno, California home, has always dreamed of playing King Diamond in a film.  He has seen The King 247 times in concert as a solo act and 423 times with Mercyful Fate.  He even managed to catch The King with Black Rose once at a small bar in England in the 1970s.

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In several interviews, Freeman has cited one of his proudest moments as the time he came out on stage at a show in Dallas back in 1998 and sang “Come To The Sabbath” with The King.

According to Freeman, his portrayal of the character of God in the 2003 film Bruce Almighty was based loosely on King Diamond.  “For me, The King has been the greatest source of inspiration I have ever known,” said a misty eyed Freeman in an interview with CNN last week, “With The King, all things are possible.”

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