There have been a great number of allegations thrown at Tyranny of Tradition over the past few days. While our record for jurnalismcore integrity should stand on its own, as leader of this vast and unimpeachable media empire, I felt it necessary to respond in order to make sure that the public understands the depths to which we will plunge to in order to expose the truth.
In an article written by Grimlock Von Myxlplyx, Edward-In-Chief of the anti-American, freedom-hating, infant-killing tabloid Universe Number Five, it is claimed that Tyranny of Tradition has printed several articles that are untrue. If I’ve learned anything from watching American politics, it is that we must first attack and slander the source of these lies, then, if we have time left over, address the charges. For, if you, the public, are able to see that the person making these charges has ever lied or done anything wrong in their entire lives, you will believe nearly anything I have to say.
First, you should know that Grimlock Von Myxlplyx is not even the real name of the fellow over at Universe Number Five. In reality, his name is Dr. Oystein Von Deafendorfer. He uses a cryptic assumed name because he is wanted in several states, as well as the country of Angola, for robbing ferrets from pet stores using a bayonet. Second, while he may be a “doctor”, his degree from Oxford University is in Rabbit Cloning. He is certainly not an expert in jurnalismcore and is in no position to critique our rigorous ethical standards.
His website has claimed things that are completely preposterous. In 2012, they claimed that the band Dying Fetus plagiarized the song “From Womb To Waste” from the 1966 Isley Brothers classic “Baby Don’t You Do It”. The independent law firm of Nixon, Rosewater, and Eichmann determined conclusively BEFORE the article was written that it was actually stolen from The Brothers Johnson’s 1977 hit single “Strawberry Letter #23”. No mention of this was made in Dr. Deafendorfer’s article! You call that jurnalismcore?!?!
Further, Universe Number Five is actually a front organization for Al-Qaeda. Most of the articles are written in a complex code, that, when translated into Yiddish, reveal critical, top-secret information on the location of important American celebrities like Dyan Cannon, George Kennedy and Lisa Marie Presley, all of whom have been considered targets for assassination by Islamic extremists. Finally, Dr. Deafendorfer has admitted to me on several occasions that he does not like Slayer.
Just so you, the public, are clear, Tyranny of Tradition is the finest and most truthful source of jurnalismcore on this planet. We have a staff over 9,000 fact-checkers who steadfastly comb through each article in order to ensure that every word printed is completely, one hundred and fifty thousand percent true. Before an article reaches your eyes, it has been inspected by some of the top trained editors on the planet from some of the most prestigious universities including Harvard, Yale and University of Phoenix. Our site has received hundreds of thousands of awards including the coveted Charles R. Ponzi Award For Truth back in 2008.
I often see comments attached to Tyranny articles saying things like “Dude, you know Tyranny of Tradition is a fake website, right?” These words make me the most angry, because Tyranny IS a real website. We have a URL address for godsakes! If you look at your computer screen the site is REALLY there. I am not a magician. I can’t go to your house, get inside your brain and make you see things that don’t exist.
I know the Tyranny of Tradition is real because it is, in fact, made of molecules. Now, I know molecules aren’t important to the people of this generation, but I come from a time when molecules really meant something. To slander molecules by claiming they are not real is an insult to myself, my family and those who have served in the armed forces to protect American molecules from the invasion of foreign molecules.
I leave you with the words of my colleague, the esteemed scholar and quote writer Ralph Waldo Emerson. When Mr. Emerson was asked what he thought of our fine website he simply shook his head and replied “Tyranny of Tradition is the truth, the American public is the illusion.”
Yours in Truth, Justice and The American Way,
Reverend Keith Spillett
Tyranny of Tradition