Posts Tagged Ralph Waldo Emerson

Tyranny of Tradition Is A Real Website!!!

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There have been a great number of allegations thrown at Tyranny of Tradition over the past few days.  While our record for jurnalismcore integrity should stand on its own, as leader of this vast and unimpeachable media empire, I felt it necessary to respond in order to make sure that the public understands the depths to which we will plunge to in order to expose the truth.

In an article written by Grimlock Von Myxlplyx, Edward-In-Chief of the anti-American, freedom-hating, infant-killing tabloid Universe Number Five, it is claimed that Tyranny of Tradition has printed several articles that are untrue.  If I’ve learned anything from watching American politics, it is that we must first attack and slander the source of these lies, then, if we have time left over, address the charges.  For, if you, the public, are able to see that the person making these charges has ever lied or done anything wrong in their entire lives, you will believe nearly anything I have to say.

First, you should know that Grimlock Von Myxlplyx is not even the real name of the fellow over at Universe Number Five.  In reality, his name is Dr. Oystein Von Deafendorfer.  He uses a cryptic assumed name because he is wanted in several states, as well as the country of Angola, for robbing ferrets from pet stores using a bayonet.  Second, while he may be a “doctor”, his degree from Oxford University is in Rabbit Cloning.  He is certainly not an expert in jurnalismcore and is in no position to critique our rigorous ethical standards.

His website has claimed things that are completely preposterous. In 2012, they claimed that the band Dying Fetus plagiarized the song “From Womb To Waste” from the 1966 Isley Brothers classic “Baby Don’t You Do It”.  The independent law firm of Nixon, Rosewater, and Eichmann determined conclusively BEFORE the article was written that it was actually stolen from The Brothers Johnson’s 1977 hit single “Strawberry Letter #23”.  No mention of this was made in Dr. Deafendorfer’s article!  You call that jurnalismcore?!?!

Further, Universe Number Five is actually a front organization for Al-Qaeda.  Most of the articles are written in a complex code, that, when translated into Yiddish, reveal critical, top-secret information on the location of important American celebrities like Dyan Cannon, George Kennedy and Lisa Marie Presley, all of whom have been considered targets for assassination by Islamic extremists.  Finally, Dr. Deafendorfer has admitted to me on several occasions that he does not like Slayer.

Just so you, the public, are clear, Tyranny of Tradition is the finest and most truthful source of jurnalismcore on this planet.  We have a staff over 9,000 fact-checkers who steadfastly comb through each article in order to ensure that every word printed is completely, one hundred and fifty thousand percent true.  Before an article reaches your eyes, it has been inspected by some of the top trained editors on the planet from some of the most prestigious universities including Harvard, Yale and University of Phoenix.  Our site has received hundreds of thousands of awards including the coveted Charles R. Ponzi Award For Truth back in 2008.

I often see comments attached to Tyranny articles saying things like “Dude, you know Tyranny of Tradition is a fake website, right?”  These words make me the most angry, because Tyranny IS a real website.  We have a URL address for godsakes!  If you look at your computer screen the site is REALLY there.  I am not a magician.  I can’t go to your house, get inside your brain and make you see things that don’t exist.

I know the Tyranny of Tradition is real because it is, in fact, made of molecules.  Now, I know molecules aren’t important to the people of this generation, but I come from a time when molecules really meant something.  To slander molecules by claiming they are not real is an insult to myself, my family and those who have served in the armed forces to protect American molecules from the invasion of foreign molecules.

I leave you with the words of my colleague, the esteemed scholar and quote writer Ralph Waldo Emerson.  When Mr. Emerson was asked what he thought of our fine website he simply shook his head and replied “Tyranny of Tradition is the truth, the American public is the illusion.”

Yours in Truth, Justice and The American Way,

Reverend Keith Spillett

Edguy-In-Chief

Tyranny of Tradition

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Ralph Waldo Emerson Quotes That Are So Great People Repeat Them Over And Over

I wanted to start the New Year off with some valuable, insightful nuggets of wisdom from the most quoted man in American history, Ralph Waldo Emerson.  Here are a few particularly brilliant ones that have touched me at nearly every level of my being.  Hopefully, you can carry these words with you as we embark on a journey into another year of wonder and beauty.   This is my gift to you, dear reader.  May they fill your days with sunshine and your nights with endless darkness.  

“A dreamer is a person who is asleep and is thinking about things.”

“A man of genius is a man who can find a way to make large amounts of money in a short period of time without going to federal prison.”

“If you follow the path, you will eventually find the thing you were looking for.  Unless that thing is at the beginning of the path.  Then, you’ve missed it.  But, you can always go back.  Unless there is a gate that automatically closes when you go through it.  Or guards.  With rifles.”

 “Make sure that you live each and every day as if you were going to be hit by a bus at any second.”

“Live your dreams, except for the one where you are trapped in a cow’s stomach.”

Thoreau spent a night in jail and a few years in the woods and suddenly he has something to say.  No one has ever gotten more out of less suffering.  Y’all act like he was Job or something.”

“As we grow old, we tend to wrinkle more.  Like a shirt.”

“Democracy is a good way to get people to go along with absurd rules and even believe they had some role in their creation.  If that doesn’t work, tell them they are going to hell if they don’t obey.”

“Children are vile.  Except in soup.”

“Don’t waste your life on useless things like going to work, personal hygiene or repairing misunderstandings. Live as if you are going to die and you don’t really want anyone at your funeral.”

“Finish each day as if it’s 11:59 PM.”

“A confident man is someone who catches fire and asks for a cigarette.”

“Live in the sunshine every moment of the day or night.  Drink water directly from the ocean.  Eat poorly prepared, undercooked meat.  Pretend no rules apply to you.”

 “Nothing can bring you peace except for the extinction of the other 7 billion parasites around you.”

 “Nothing great was ever achieved without a fawning and deluded public.”

“Shallow men believe that getting hair restoration will make them attractive to 22-year-old women.  Smart men know that it’s better to pay them directly.”

 “The world belongs to those who have lots of money.  Or an army.”

 “Tis a good person who would be willing to give up a kidney to save a friend.  Tis an idiot who would give up a lung.”

 “We all boil rice differently.”

 “Whoso would begin a quote with the term “whoso” is probably trying to say something that is pretty simple but might appear to be more complex due to the use of arcane language.”

 “It’s easy to be misunderstood when you mumble.”

“For every genius, there are 100 men smarter than him who have bad breath.”

“When times are difficult, buy gold and help no one.”

“The reward of doing something well is watching someone come along and carelessly screw things up.”

 “Remember that guy who sat behind you in health class in 10th grade and stuck a paperclip up his nose and had to have surgery.  He now runs a bank.”

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