Posts Tagged archery

Kiss Army Invades Poland

War Criminals?

War Criminals?

“Death, makeup, savagery, merchandising rights, Lick It Up…” 

These are the words being posted on social media by the devastated citizens of Poland the day after the Kiss Army unilaterally invaded their country. Thousands are feared dead or overcharged for concert tickets, following this, the latest aggressive act by the hardcore group of Kiss fans. The United Nations Security Council is scheduled to meet later this afternoon to discuss their options while various human rights groups have decried the actions of the Kiss and their army.

The invasion of Poland by Kiss Army forces, not to be confused with the Vinnie Vincent Invasion, is rumored to have started shortly after Gene Simmons discovered a Warsaw flea market selling bootleg copies of Revenge. Simmons issued an ominous statement which said, “You Poles better pay up, I have two ugly children who have a $400,000 a day diamond laced orange sherbet habit. You think you can get a piece of the Kiss fatherland? There is going to be hell to pay.”

However, tensions between the Kiss Army and Poland are more deeply rooted and may go all the way back to 2008 when Prime Minister Donald Tusk refused to allow Tommy Thayer to wear Ace Frehley’s makeup, thereby forcing him to miss the band’s Polish dates and robbing Kiss of their one member who can play an instrument competently.

Polish citizens are facing numerous challenges following the invasion, most notably only being allowed to buy Kiss products. Most Poles are complaining that despite looking great and being readily available, most Kiss products are overpriced and lack any true substance. Kiss guitarist and plastic surgery aficionado Paul Stanley claims this is ridiculous, saying, “sure some of our products are missing their original ingredients, but with the just the right touch and a lot of lawyers, you can make even the worst product great…in fact, most people won’t even know it’s not the real thing.”

Perhaps the most alarming figure is the number of Kiss caskets ordered following the invasion, with over 1,000 “rocking death vessels” already being shipped to Europe.

Both political and cultural leaders have been vocal in their criticism of the Kiss Army following today’s events. Barrack Obama was quoted as saying, “this is almost as bad as Hot in the Shade…almost.”

Noted astrophysicist Neil deGrasse Tyson added, “I have always hypothesized that Kiss and their fans were the most despicable people on earth, but not I have the quantifiable evidence!”

Memes misquoting Dr. Tyson found their way to social media immediately and have been misused and misunderstood throughout the day.

Yet despite their heinous actions and deplorable music, Kiss and their army have their supporters. Long time overweight Kiss apologist Eddie Trunk said, “Look, this invasion of Poland is the best thing Kiss has done since Love Gun. I know a lot of people want to see these guys hang it up and give Poland a break, but so long as Peter Criss comes on my radio show and lets me suck up to him, I will always be a Kiss fan.”

Other noted Kiss fanatics such as Sebastian Bach were seen wearing authorized “Polish Invasion” tour shirts and have boycotted polish sausage, decrying Poland as a country that just doesn’t understand what good music is.

Kiss has started a kickstarter campaign to further fund their invasion, offering videos of polish children being tortured with Paul Stanley solo records for $73 and pictures of Gene Simmons ego, taken from space, for only $144. In the meantime, the world can only wait and see if and when this will all ever end…and at what price.

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Ralph Waldo Emerson Quotes That Are So Great People Repeat Them Over And Over

I wanted to start the New Year off with some valuable, insightful nuggets of wisdom from the most quoted man in American history, Ralph Waldo Emerson.  Here are a few particularly brilliant ones that have touched me at nearly every level of my being.  Hopefully, you can carry these words with you as we embark on a journey into another year of wonder and beauty.   This is my gift to you, dear reader.  May they fill your days with sunshine and your nights with endless darkness.  

“A dreamer is a person who is asleep and is thinking about things.”

“A man of genius is a man who can find a way to make large amounts of money in a short period of time without going to federal prison.”

“If you follow the path, you will eventually find the thing you were looking for.  Unless that thing is at the beginning of the path.  Then, you’ve missed it.  But, you can always go back.  Unless there is a gate that automatically closes when you go through it.  Or guards.  With rifles.”

 “Make sure that you live each and every day as if you were going to be hit by a bus at any second.”

“Live your dreams, except for the one where you are trapped in a cow’s stomach.”

Thoreau spent a night in jail and a few years in the woods and suddenly he has something to say.  No one has ever gotten more out of less suffering.  Y’all act like he was Job or something.”

“As we grow old, we tend to wrinkle more.  Like a shirt.”

“Democracy is a good way to get people to go along with absurd rules and even believe they had some role in their creation.  If that doesn’t work, tell them they are going to hell if they don’t obey.”

“Children are vile.  Except in soup.”

“Don’t waste your life on useless things like going to work, personal hygiene or repairing misunderstandings. Live as if you are going to die and you don’t really want anyone at your funeral.”

“Finish each day as if it’s 11:59 PM.”

“A confident man is someone who catches fire and asks for a cigarette.”

“Live in the sunshine every moment of the day or night.  Drink water directly from the ocean.  Eat poorly prepared, undercooked meat.  Pretend no rules apply to you.”

 “Nothing can bring you peace except for the extinction of the other 7 billion parasites around you.”

 “Nothing great was ever achieved without a fawning and deluded public.”

“Shallow men believe that getting hair restoration will make them attractive to 22-year-old women.  Smart men know that it’s better to pay them directly.”

 “The world belongs to those who have lots of money.  Or an army.”

 “Tis a good person who would be willing to give up a kidney to save a friend.  Tis an idiot who would give up a lung.”

 “We all boil rice differently.”

 “Whoso would begin a quote with the term “whoso” is probably trying to say something that is pretty simple but might appear to be more complex due to the use of arcane language.”

 “It’s easy to be misunderstood when you mumble.”

“For every genius, there are 100 men smarter than him who have bad breath.”

“When times are difficult, buy gold and help no one.”

“The reward of doing something well is watching someone come along and carelessly screw things up.”

 “Remember that guy who sat behind you in health class in 10th grade and stuck a paperclip up his nose and had to have surgery.  He now runs a bank.”

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