Archive for category The Politics Of Catastrophe

After 23 Years, Dick Cheney Returns To Abruptum

Dick Cheney

Happy to collaborate with Evil again

The 46th Vice President of the United States has announced his plans to join Evil once more in a quest to achieve the most vicious sounds known to man after 25 years of non-musical black metal performances across the globe. It’s expected that founding member It, currently Stephen King’s pet, will join the band again

“The human essence of pure black evil”. —Euronymous commenting on Cheney—

Abruptum was formed in 1989 by It—known as ‘Eat’ back then—and Dick during Cheney’s stint as the 17th US Secretary of Defense in the White House after a Naked Ronald Reagans rehearsal session (George H. Bush’s former Rapcore Funk band). The group quickly gained notoriety for the macabre sounds and screams achieved by the politician using only a couple of pens and Guantanamo Bay prisoners. The duet quickly relocated to an undisclosed, forgotten World War II bunker in Sweden in order to avoid trials under the Geneva Convention for committing crimes against humanity at a local Denny’s.

Svrf Rock pioneer Euronymous of the Mayhems listened to their recordings and didn’t hesitate to sign the band to his label, Deadlike Bandmate Productions. After some sessions, Euronymous had to change the name of his label because of the mysterious passing of Dead, frontman of the Mayhems.

The only person in a hundred mile radius with a shotgun was Cheney himself, who is known to enjoy shooting his friends in the face. Sadly, for the crime scene investigators and for Abruptum, the Secretary of Defense had to return home to plan his performance piece ‘Operation Desert Storm’ which depicted a devastated Middle East, ravaged by oil-craving demons with full metal minions.

“I’ve always been a extreme person and I’m very committed to my disregard for human lives. I felt I could spread my message of suffering and destruction to a broader audience by being part of the staff of the Naked Ronald Reagans, who happened to tour constantly in the Arab countries. Imagine the energy generated from the clash of the two major fundamentalist cultures, and add to the mix a setting designed by myself, a chaos worshiper.”

“The Scandinavian scene wasn’t violent enough for me. Accountant Grishnackh was burning a couple of churches here and there in order to promote his capitalist ideas and look tough in front of some punk kids who used to hang out at Euronymous’s store. I was destroying mosques all over the place, garnering the attention of the international press, and the best of all is my cultural exchange was a grant taken care of by the American taxpayers” explained Mr. Cheney during an interview with Tyranny.

But not everything was fun and games. In 1992, while vacationing in the violent streets of Detroit, Michigan,

Cheney treating his disease with beer.

Dementia didn’t stop the man’s ambitions

Cheney contracted the avian mad chicken disease (Dick was an avid geek—a person who beheads live chicken with his mouth—usually at carnivals). The fever fried his brain and dementia ensued; in 1993, and using the corpsepaint skills he learned while in the Nordic scene, he formed a duet of devilish, republican clowns with Donald Rumsfeld, whose career as an international jackass was on hiatus.

The nightmarish Insane Clown Posse debuted with Carnival of Carnage in October of 1992, becoming an instant sensation in the former Soviet Union, specially because of the racist and sexist themes of the album. The sickness grew worse in Cheney’s head due to the refusal of conventional treatments, instead, the Black Metal rapper decided to cure himself by binge-drinking.

That’s when Cheney caught the eye of the film industry, he was commissioned by George Lucas himself to write several scripts for the company, including  Episodes I, II and III of the Star Wars Franchise and the fourth installment of Indiana Jones. Critics still debate, to this day, if he sold out and made crappy stuff during this period, or if his performance was so bright and nihilistic that the sucking was by design. In any case, the disease-ridden artist finally looked for professional treatment after watching a preview of Episode I: The Phantom Menace.

Cheney's corpsepaint debauchery.

“Jugaloo” means “Bringer of Torment” in ancient Norsk

After his rehabilitation, Dick Cheney returned to the Middle East with a new setup called War! Fun! Terror!, but due to a printing error in the French Le Monde newspaper, it was popularly known as The War on Terror. It has been the longest-lasting exhibit the former Vice President has accomplished in his career, and it even spawned a multitude of spin-off installments such as I Sever Infidel Suckers (ISIS) and the 9 – 11 Conspiracy series.

“I have conquered and broken many people in my day, from Muslims to Star Wars fans, but now I will conquer the Scandinavian scene with Evil by my side, and we’ll make Oslo, Norway look like Flint, Michigan.”  —Dick Cheney expanding on the goals of Abruptum’s reunion—

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Obama Names Poison Drummer Rikki Rockett Attorney General

Rikki Rockett

After minutes of searching for a new Attorney General to replace Eric Holder, President Barack Obama has settled on Poison drummer Rikki Rockett. The unexpected appointment of Rockett shocked many insiders who had no idea that the President was actually considering putting the Department of Justice in the hands of a below average glam rock drummer.

Rockett, whose only experience with the American legal system has been a few traffic tickets and a false rape allegation in 2008, was shocked when he received the phone call telling him he was expected to begin work as the nation’s top legal official.

“At first, I thought C.C. Deville was pranking me again. Like that time he called me and told me that the United States had banned the use of peroxide and I’d have to go back to my original color.”

“Then, I realized I was talking to this really serious sounding dude named Denis (White House Chief of Staff Denis McDonough). He was like, ‘you gotta be here Monday. Get dressed.’ I was like, ‘I’m in the middle of rebuilding a 1976 Mustang…I don’t have time for this.’ But, he threatened to have me arrested, so I got on a plane and here I am.”

Obama’s second term has been marked by questionable decision-making, apathy and indifference. Several sources close to the President have complained about his sleeping until 1 o’clock in the afternoon after staying up all night playing Elder Scrolls 5: Skyrim.  He has allegedly walked into three recent high level Cabinet meetings while wearing pajamas and eating Cocoa Puffs out of a coffee mug.  Last month, he was caught playing Candy Crush on his iPhone during a meeting with German Prime Minister Angela Merkel.

According to a source close to the President, Rockett’s appointment was a function of Obama “looking to get the damned thing out of the way by picking the first random name that came to mind.”

rikki-rockett

During Holder’s tenure, The Justice Department’s highly successful “War On Holding White Collar Criminals Accountable” led to the criminal prosecutions of absolutely no one responsible for crimes that nearly led to the collapse of the American economy seven years ago. His legacy now intact, Holder plans on going back into the private sector and help defend many of the underprivileged Wall Street criminals who may accidentally be prosecuted in the coming years.

Rockett, who initially balked at taking the position, warmed to it once he realized he could now use the full force of the American criminal justice system to ruin the life of guitarist Richie Kotzen.

Back in 1993, Kotzen’s affair with Rockett’s wife-to-be caused him to be kicked out of Poison, but Rockett is now looking at using more draconian means to reprimand the philandering guitarist.   He plans on using a lesser-known provision in the Patriot Act to have Kotzen declared an “enemy combatant” and shipped to a secret US military base in Albania where he will be water boarded four times a day while listening to Bulletboys albums for the rest of his natural life.

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I Voted For Heavy Metal and All I Got Is This Lousy Country

Ronnie-James-DioAmericans vote for a variety of reasons. In some cases, they are concerned citizens who believe they can use the ballot box to change the direction our nation. In other cases, they do so because they feel an obligation to participate in the rituals of the democratic process. Not me. I vote every chance I get in order to amuse myself to no end by voting for my favorite metal artists.

It usually takes me a half an hour to vote. I go through the races I’ve followed closely and am able to intelligently evaluate, like Senatorial or Congressional elections, and try to pick the best person for the job. I know I’m being hustled here and am sure that nearly any candidate I pick is a shill for some multinational corporation, but I saw “Mr. Smith Goes To Washington” one too many times and allow myself the illusion of “making a difference”. Once that nonsense is out of the way, I get to the fun stuff.

Often in elections, you are given the choice of candidates you have almost no hope of being able to evaluate. For example, how on earth can I possibly determine who would be the best Head of the State Department of Agriculture? I don’t know a thing about farming and wouldn’t have the foggiest notion of how to pick the most appropriate person for the job. I don’t even really know what they do. That’s when I start voting metal.

Georgia offers the write-in option in all races. Therefore, if you want to vote, like I did, for Venom’s gravel throated frontman Cronos to make the state’s agricultural policies, you can do just that! I felt bad about leaving the rest of the original Venom crew out so Abbadon and Mantas received my nod for seats on my local school board. For County Sheriff, I voted for Sodom’s Tom Angelripper. After all, shouldn’t the saw be the law?

Heavy-metal-fans-enjoy-voting

I stand there typing in metal artists laughing maniacally. I have voted for Ronnie James Dio in every election going back to 1998 for positions ranging from Superintendent of Schools to Federal Judge. Confused people peer over at me and avert their eyes when I look back at them. They probably think I’m a madman. I’m merely a Surrealist-American doing his part to bring this nation one step closer to the golden age of weirdness that has come to be known as The Freak Future.

Usually, you have about 20 different judges to vote for. They often run unopposed, so unless they happened to give you a night in jail for going 15 miles per hour over the speed limit or get caught in a brothel covered from head-to-toe in ox blood, you are going to vote for them. I see this as a great opportunity to pack the courts with metal luminaries ranging from Quorthon to Lemmy. I voted “Slayer” for a seat on the Bench.   The whole band. I struggled mightily with the question of whether this would mean the original Slayer lineup or some of the later incarnations. Who would be the Court drummer Bostaph, Lombardo or Jon Dette?

Sometimes I get bored and switch to other weird possible candidates. One year when the ballot was particularly long, I began voting for excellent defensive shortstops. Mark Belanger, Ozzie Smith, Omar Vizquel, Rey Ordonez…on and on.

Mostly I stick to voting metal because this is America and I have been told I can vote for what I believe in. I have been fed an endless supply of bromides and hackneyed platitudes about what size the government is supposed to be or when a baby is truly alive or how a marriage should be defined or what this nation should stand for. Politics is about who gets what and how much of it. At the end of the day, I’m really just voting on whether Wal-Mart, Exxon Mobil and Boeing are going to receive larger tax breaks based on the size of their contributions.

The horrible truth is that climate change is causing environmental catastrophes everywhere. We are engaged in an endless stream of costly, bloody foreign wars. Politicians are empty vessels who have become nearly indistinguishable from mattress salesmen. America is circling the proverbial drain and there doesn’t seem to be anything we can do about it. When someone asks me how I believe we should handle these problems, I look them square in the eyes and I tell them the only thing I can say that makes any sense to me anymore…

“Don’t blame me, I voted for Heavy Metal”

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Metalhead Forced To Remove Artificial Leg With Megadeth Tattoo Before Boarding Flight

The Limb Only Moments Before Takeoff

The Limb Only Moments Before Takeoff (photo by Matthew Germain)

The greatest threat to Americans today is the looming spectre of terrorist attacks. After all, most people in other countries hate Americans for their freedom and easy access to bread and other such luxury items.

In the wake of 9/11, airport security increased dramatically in the hopes of preventing water bottles and other weapons of possible mass destruction from causing the interruption of commerce and annihilation of innocent human life. That’s why it should come as no surprise to anyone who believes in the values that America stands for that alleged metalhead Mohammad Nidal was detained for 15 hours and eventually forced to surrender his artificial leg at New York’s LaGuardia Airport before he was allowed to board a flight to Akron.

“We’ve seen this sort of thing before,” said TSA officer Ryan Goebbels. “A metalhead takes an artificial limb filled with C-4, brings it on an airplane and boom! Next thing you know airports all over the world close and the airlines and their investors are deprived of millions of dollars of revenue that rightfully belongs to them.”

While most metalheads are harmless neckbeards who spend their time protecting online metal forums from spam and off-thread references, there are a small number of “evildoers” who wish to do genuine harm to others. From not picking up a fallen child in the mosh pit while they are being trampled to death by wild hellions to potentially murdering thousands of innocent shoppers through the use of improvised explosive devices only days before Christmas, these so-called metalheads have been responsible for many of the worst crimes in American history.

The tattoo of Megadeth mascot Vic Rattlehead is also widely known to be a symbol used by metal gangs who have been known to kill innocent Americans for nothing more than whistling a Michael Bolton song in an elevator. Metal cults have popped up through the Southwest where kids as young as eight years old are drugged with meth and forced to worship images of Slayer vocalist Tom Araya, listen to Venom’s first three records backwards and read passages from the Koran. Ritual sacrifice and infant eating are common Saturday night events for these godless heathens. It is estimated that over 1 million people have joined these cults and gangs in the past six months.

Nidal, who was tied to a chair and questioned under bright lights by several FBI agents, revealed that he owned every Slayer album including “Hell Awaits”, which he had on vinyl. He also revealed plans to listen to all of Death Angel’s “Frolic Through The Park” during the flight. Death Angel’s music is so violent that it has inspired several horrific acts including the attempted assassination of then-President and current saint Ronald Reagan by former Raven drummer John Hinkley.

However, in spite of the danger this menace posed to society, Nidal was released after repeated beatings meant to help him overcome his addiction to this decadent and depraved lifestyle. Not only was he allowed to fly but he was provided generously with several in flight amenities like beverage service and a movie (things that he certainly would not have provided his victims with). He was also given back his artificial limb and metal-ridden iPod when he arrived in Akron. We are, after all, the freest country on earth.

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The Federal Reserve Set to Expand Quantitative Djenting

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The Federal Reserve plans to scale up its Quantitative Djenting program in the second quarter of 2014, Chairwoman Janet Yellen announced at an appearance before the House Financial Services Committee Monday. “We still predict slack in the economy going into the Summer, so we will continue with the program to try and cut it off at the pass,” said Ms. Yellen.

“Quantitative Djenting”, or “QD,” is a subsidiary initiative of the Fed’s controversial Quantitative Easing program. Since the beginning of the financial crisis in 2008, the Fed has been injecting money into the financial bloodstream to purchase things like treasuries, securities, and mortgage-backed securities. Although meant to stimulate job growth and economic recovery, the program has come under intense scrutiny by critics who claim that the program could lead to inflation, while providing cheap money to Wall Street firms.

Included in the program, but buried in a subsection of dense legalese, was a plan for Quantitative Djenting. “QD” is a rather convoluted financial process whereby the central bank bankrolls recording contracts, studio fees, publicity, merchandising, and tour support for the structured investment vehicle known as “Djent.” As the output of these “bands” tends towards “0000” sub-prime Guitar Riff Derivatives, the Fed was able to achieve synergy with the program by lowering interest rates to near-zero.

“QD was really a response to a financially-strapped metal landscape, following the collapse of the Neo-Thrash and New-Nu-Metal bubbles,” claims Trafferson Foster, of the statistical research firm, Foster & Fosterson Global Markets. “The Fed pretty much caved to pressure from Major and independent labels alike to do something in the wake of the crash.”

Although former chairman Ben Bernanke claimed that QD was never intended to expand beyond its initial investments – which included Wall Street-owned companies like Animals as Leaders, Periphery, Tesseract, and Textures – the subsidiary program has expanded each year since its inception. This has led Wall Street analysts to speak affectionately of “QD-infinity,” which speculates that like a Djent Guitar Riff Derivative product, QD has become so enmeshed in the U.S. financial system that it could seemingly go on forever.

Several prominent economists have become particularly concerned with the evolution of the products that Djent companies are selling. Like credit default swaps and collateralized debt obligations, these firms have begun throwing together Guitar Riff Derivatives in baskets, and then selling that packaged basket.

“In practical economic terms, there really isn’t a difference between these Guitar Riff Derivatives and the Collateralized Debt Obligations that brought down the financial system in 2008,” argues Simon Carufsky, president of Fairer Markets, a non-partisan regulatory reform non-profit. “These companies are selling sub-prime 0000 guitar riffs within sub-prime 0000 guitar riffs, within sub-prime 0000 guitar riffs, and then calling that package a AAA-rated security.”

The apportioning of cash to Djent companies works kind of like a bartender pouring a pitcher of beer into five mugs lined up on a bar. The beer in the pitcher is the cash generated from royalty payments that companies like Emmure receive each month, while the mugs represent the different pools of Guitar Riff Derivatives. The bartender fills the highest-rated mug first, then the second highest, and so on down the line until either all five mugs are full or the pitcher runs out of beer. If there are enough defaults on royalty payments, the fifth, fourth, third, or even second mug might go dry – and if writers’ block happens in the studio, even the first mug might not get filled. If the mugs become too dependent on being filled by the pitcher, says Carufsky, then the progression of heavy metal could be brought to a sharp standstill.

“The whole thing is like a financial Inception. It’s absolute insanity, even before you factor in the Fed’s allotment of easy cash to companies like Animals as Leaders.”

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Crowbar Headlines President Warren G. Harding’s 12th Inaugural Celebration

KirkWindstein

President Warren G. Harding was easily elected  to his twelfth term last month in a landslide election, garnering a record 98 percent of the vote, easily defeating the New Whig Party candidate and Metallica guitarist Dave Mustaine.

Harding, leader of the Democratic-Republicans For God Party, continues to be the most significant politician in the history of the United States and is expected to be the leader of the nation until the world’s predicted destruction in 2173.  Tonight, Crowbar will be the final act in what is expected the most widely witnessed television event since the execution of the ten leaders of the Kennedy Rebellion in 1969.

Harding’s political career is the stuff of legends.  Even the youngest school child has heard the stories.  After a relatively lackluster first term that featured corruption in the form of the Teapot Dome scandal and economic turmoil, Harding died of a heart attack on August 2nd, 1923.  Had Harding not risen from the dead during his own funeral on August 4th, his presidency would have been a forgotten chapter in the history of the United States of the World.

Harding, who claimed God had allowed him to come back to life in order to lead the United States of The World to its current position as the most powerful nation on the planet, was reelected to a 4 -year term in 1924 after the still unsolved murder of Democratic Presidential candidate Franklin D. Roosevelt.

Harding’s mission to bring “normalcy” to the world began during this term.  He invaded Canada, England and Mexico days after his election and by 1934 the United States controlled all of North America and most of Europe.  Only its defeat in The Great Nuclear War with Argentina in 1962 stopped America’s march towards world domination.

Argentina’s nuclear strikes destroyed most of Harding’s empire and led to the revolutionary forces of John Fitzgerald Kennedy taking control of most of the Northern United States and renaming it Camelotia.  Harding’s forces regrouped and retook the North in what was known as The Second American Civil War.  Still, many questioned Harding’s leadership and he looked like he might lose the election of 1972 to Paul Newman.   It was then that Harding performed The Five Miracles.

Harding, who will only allow himself to be photographed in black and white, celebrating his 12th term as President

Harding, Who Will Only Allow Himself To Be Photographed In Black And White, Celebrating His 12th Term As President

These miracles included Harding making the nation of Albania disappear, turning water into Coca-Cola, using lasers from his eyes to melt The Washington Monument, reanimating Thomas Jefferson and the creation of flying cars.  Harding eliminated Congress and the Supreme Court and declared martial law, which lasted until 2003.  He rebuilt the military and, with help from the visitors from the Planet Klorg, was able to take control of the entire world except for Mongolia, the last stronghold of anti-American forces.

Harding occasionally still allows elections, but few experts believe that the opposition is given a fair chance to be victorious.  All people who vote against him are immediately executed and used to feed the multi-headed battle giraffe drones and robot oxen that  the USW have used to militarily control many of the Outer Territories.

With the outcome of the election never in doubt, many television and Conquernet experts have spent their time speculating who would headlining the inauguration.  The prevailing wisdom was that Pentagram would be the band because of the close relationship between President Harding and vocalist and former Vice President Bobby Liebling.  However, it is also known that Harding is a huge Crowbar fan, particularly the Odd Fellows Rest album.  Last Friday, Crowbar vocalist Christina Aguilera and her husband, guitarist Kirk Windstein, received a call directly from Harding announcing the news.

Rumors have already started to swirl that if Crowbar has an excellent performance, Dave Lombardo, the band’s drummer and former Ambassador to Mars, might be asked to be Secretary of State.  Lombardo has refused to comment directly, but his manservant Kerry King did indicate to several reporters that the famed drummer would take the job if it were offered.  King, many remember, was enslaved by Lombardo after the failure of his 2005 neo-disco solo album “I Like To Boogie, Boogie” drove him into bankruptcy.

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Exclusive: The Secret CIA Plot To Break Up Slayer

Kerry+King++bagpipes

The note under my door said “Meet at 3 AM in the parking garage behind the Waffle House.”  I’d received notes like this before and, usually, they either led to great information or some guy in nothing but a trenchcoat asking me if I wanted to hold hands and whisper Carpenters lyrics into each other’s ears.  Typically, these messages came from my high level contact in the CIA, a man who will only let me refer to him in public as Deep Thrombosis.  He’s worked in The Company for many years and has put me onto some of the bigger stories Tyranny of Tradition has broken.  He was the guy who tipped me off to Obama’s drumming on the first Overkill album and Nixon’s plot to assassinate the members of Black Sabbath.

I knew that a night meeting with Deep Thrombosis could be the thing that gets me that Pulitzer Prize I’ve been coveting all these years or even a date with The Great Kat.  However, I was not prepared for the monumental significance of what he was about to tell me.

“Tonight, we are going to pull back the curtain,” whispered Deep Thrombosis while his shifty, beady eyes darted from side to side.  “The information I’m about to give you could bring down the whole circus.  If you print it, be warned, there is a good chance you will end up having a ‘boating accident’ or accidently hanging yourself while trying to install a garage door opener.  And for godsakes, if you print this, you need to promise not to mention you got it from a source in the CIA!  They’ll be able to track it back to me.”

“I will absolutely not mention how I got this information,” I told my CIA source.  “I swear it!”

He proceeded to tell me the most outlandish story I had ever heard.  A story of violence, intrigue and a CIA so out of control that it would go so far as to break up one of the great thrash metal groups of our time.

slayer

“The Company had heard some rumors that the next Slayer album was going to be all about drone strikes on Al-Queda bases.  The thing was going to be called “South of Reason”.  Typical longhaired hippie liberal propaganda.  We’d have let Limbaugh handle them except they were going to reveal potential bombing coordinates, out some of our higher level agents, and really turn the metalhead public against the whole ‘secret murder of civilians who have had no trial’ thing.  We couldn’t let it happen.  So we took action.”

“The first part of the plan was to kidnap Kerry King and replace him with an actor who resembled Kerry King.  We have a guy who has done some jobs with us in the past who was a dead ringer for King, a sort of grubby, misshapen fellow who slightly resembled a poorly shaven yeti.  We scooped up the real Kerry and threw him into Guantanamo and told the guards he was actually Osama Bin Laden’s masseuse and to ‘not torture him’ until he gave us any information on the whereabouts of the secret terrorist training camps in Iceland.”

“The guy we are using as Kerry almost gave the thing away during the first show.  He played three or four really great solos, which confused the audience.  Luckily, one of our agents got ahold of him and told him to haphazardly move his whammy bar around really fast when it was his turn to solo and no one would know the difference.  Things went fine after that.”

“We slipped a mind-altering substance into one of Araya’s drinks and, through the power of suggestion, convinced him to start listening to Asking Alexandria.  We figured this would jam up any creativity that was flowing through his head.  Then, we gave a copy of the band’s financial information to Lombardo.  The rest is history.”

“It was our best work since we got rid of Mossedegh in Iran in ’53.  Or Arbenz in Guatemala in ’54.  Or Allende in Chile in ’73.  Or….well, you get the point.”

Tom-Araya

“The thing is, I’ve begun to realize that this sort of thing is dangerous.  After all, if the CIA can destroy Slayer or overthrow the government of a foreign country or randomly kill civilians who happened to be in the same vicinity as people we believe to be terrorists without the consent of the American people, then what is the point of even calling our country a democracy.”

“I started thinking of what a soulless, unaccountable beast like the CIA could do if it really put its mind to it.  Forcing Exodus to do a ska album?    Getting Testament to hire Michael Bolton as their lead singer?  Letting Janick Gers write all the songs on the next Maiden record?  The possibilities were too horrible to consider.”

“So, I have chosen you to help put a stop to this.  Publish this article tomorrow and remind America that in a democracy, the government needs to be accountable to the people or else they have ceased being a democracy.   That transparency is the only thing that can keep us from becoming a nation capable of any atrocity in the name of opening new markets and exploiting new sources of human capital.  That America should stand for something greater than the principal of bending other, weaker nations to our will.  And that Slayer should start writing stuff that sounds more like it did before Divine Intervention, because honestly, the new stuff hasn’t been all that impressive.  Except for God Hates Us All.  That was pretty cool.”

I heard the sound of a car door slam in the corner of the garage and turned to look at it.  When I looked back, Deep Thrombosis was gone.

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