Posts Tagged John Boehner

King Diamond Solves Debt Crisis, Considers Presidential Run

The King Speaking To Reporters After Yesterday’s Debt Agreement

As the President signed the agreement ending the American debt ceiling crisis into law it became clear that there is a new hero in Washington D.C. and his name is King Diamond.  The King, using his incredible powers of persuasion and high-pitched falsetto voice, forced the Democrats and Republicans into negotiating an end to a battle that might well have crippled the American economy for years to come.

He became involved on Friday July 22nd when President Obama and Speaker of the House John Boehner broke off discussions.  “If it weren’t for King Diamond, we probably would have gone into the worst economic crisis in our history,” said Senate Majority leader Harry Reid in an interview with CNN’s John King yesterday evening.

The King crafted an agreement that was amenable to both sides.  Instead of raising taxes on the wealthy or cutting Medicare, King Diamond offered a 3 percent tax increase on all heavy metal albums bought in the United States.  As most readers know, heavy metal album sales account for nearly 12 percent of Gross Domestic Product and record labels that sell heavy metal albums are the second largest employer in America today.

The King’s plan also calls for a 20 percent tax on all Exodus albums that don’t feature Steve Souza as vocalist.  “That Rob Dukes fellow is extremely talented, but does anyone really believe Exodus is better without Souza.  I say, tax them until they bring him back,” stated the King in a press release.

These two revenue streams should account for nearly four trillion dollars in new money coming in over the next ten years.  In the President’s Address announcing the agreement, Obama made a point to single out King Diamond for his important contribution.  “King Diamond’s willingness to be both firm and flexible was the key to the deal,” said Obama, “he’s a great vocalist and a warm and wonderful man.”

All this recent publicity has led some to wonder whether King Diamond might consider a bid for the Presidency in 2012.  Diamond has refused to answer most questions about his willingness to run, but yesterday he told a reporter from the New York Times that he was seriously considering it.  Webpages have sprouted up all over the Internet trying to convince the King to step in and save America from chaos and despair. The King has told his followers that he plans to make a formal announcement of his plans next week at the Million Metalhead March in Washington D.C.

Political commentators have mixed feelings about what the King’s candidacy could do to a race.  While his appeal with the American public is undeniable, few people really know much about him besides the fact that he is an amazing singer and can command the forces of evil at a moment’s notice.  Nobody even knows what political party he’s in (although he recently attended a thousand dollar a plate fundraiser for The Sugar-Coated Satan Sandwich Party).

Many pundits have pointed out that songs like “Night of The Unborn”, a song about zombie fetuses that attack a Planned Parenthood center, prove that he is Pro-Life and, therefore, would probably run as a Republican.  A recent CNN/Gallup Poll claimed that if the King ran as a Republican he would defeat President Obama 46 to 43 percent.  He polled particularly strongly in crucial battleground states like Ohio and Florida.

According to political columnist and talk radio host Jonathan Winthrop, “King Diamond’s entry into the 2012 Presidential race would change the whole thing.  He could unite a coalition of crazed metalheads and, using the power of metal and his connection with the Prince of Darkness, I believe he could defeat Obama easily.”

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King Diamond Offers 11th Hour Compromise to End U.S. Debt Crisis

The King Speaking To Reporters At Today's Press Conference

Click here for up to the minute updates on King Diamond’s campaign for President.  Will he run or not????

Tired of the political bickering taking place between the Republicans and Democrats over the raising of the debt ceiling, metal legend King Diamond has offered a compromise in the hopes of averting a major economic crisis in the United States.  At a 7:30 PM press conference, The King scolded President Obama and the Republican Party for “playing political games” at a critical time.  “This is unacceptable!”  shouted the King in a mild falsetto voice, “My sleep has been disturbed by rumors of the US Bond rating being downgraded.  Do you people understand what the fiscal ramifications of that would be!?!?! This must stop nowwwwwwwwwwww!!!!!”

In response to the stalemate in Washington, The King offered an economic package that he felt would be acceptable to both sides.  The King’s debt deal would shave 3.8 trillion dollars off of the Federal Debt over a 10 year period with only a modest tax increase and minor cuts to Social Security and Medicare.  He intends to generate additional revenue by putting a 20 percent tax on all albums by “awful mallcore bands”.  He also plans on heavily taxing all hipster related products.  “You know those stupid tee-shirts they sell at Target with pictures of Spam and Dr. Pepper on them.  We are going to tax the hell out of them.  Teach those people to dress like adults!” opined the King.  “I’m not worried about hipster backlash.  Hipsters don’t even like hipsters!”

The King has summoned President Obama and House Speaker John Boehner to a meeting at his hidden lair located somewhere in the Alps.  The King’s Lair has only been seen by a handful of people and has never been photographed.  There have been rumors over the years that he has the world’s last remaining minotaur in a pit in his backyard.  According to The King the meeting, set for Tuesday afternoon, should straighten everything out.  “If I was able to put my differences with Mercyful Fate aside in order to reunite and make great music back in the 90’s, these humans can certainly put aside their petty differences,” said the King in a scornful, frustrated voice.

The King had harsh words for the politicians standing in the way of a deal.  He threatened Tea Party members and others who are willing to risk default on the U.S. debt with “a trip to grandmother’s house”.  The King has another press conference scheduled for Wednesday afternoon at which he plans to bring either a signed agreement or “a bag full of their skulls.”

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