Did Van Halen Cause Ebola? One Parent Thinks So

Eddie Van Halen, David Lee Roth, What's-His-Name and The Other Guy

David Lee Roth and Eddie Van Halen Along With Two Other Guys

As Americans come to terms with their current bout with media induced Ebola Fever, one parent is taking a stand against what she believes to be the culprit in the spread of this dreaded disease…the heavy metal band Van Halen. Eleanor Iselin, a concerned mother of two from Nacogdoches, Texas, has taken to the Internet and started a campaign to ban Van Halen’s music from radio stations in order to “save the lives of millions people who have been born and are not born or will never be born.”

Last week, Iselin was sitting in her living room listening to a news update when word of the virus hitting the United States came across the airwaves. Moments later, the very same station played “Drop Dead Legs” by Van Halen. The connection was obvious. God had spoken to her and her mission was clear.

According to Iselin, a three-pack-a-day cigarette smoker who was recently diagnosed with emphysema, the connection between Van Halen and Ebola should be clear “even to the sheeple dumb enough to vaccinate their children for mumps”.

After minutes of research, Iselin was able to determine that the first known outbreak of Ebola took place not in Africa, as many people have claimed, but in Panama in the year 1984. She went on to speculate that the album has been extremely popular in places where the virus has hit the hardest.

“What do Texas, Sarah Leon and Libraria have in common? They have thousands of Van Halen fans! Duh!”

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A well-placed source in the Van Halen camp confirmed to her that David Lee Roth left the band when he discovered that Ebolized copies of the early Van Halen albums were being distributed. Sammy Hagar, who several websites have speculated created botulism in 1973, was brought in to replace Roth in the hopes of causing agony and suffering for millions of Van Halen fans.

During the years Sammy Hagar was in the band, the virus spread to thousands of new victims, further corroborating Iselin’s argument. Roth was forced to return to the band, in spite of his moral objections, when he lost millions of dollars investing in risky business ventures like the Beefsteak Charlie restaurant chain and The Zubaz Pants Corporation.

Iselin is no stranger to health concerns. Her malnourished children have both recently developed goiters due to iodine deficiencies and rickets from a lack of Vitamin D while her husband Dan was recently was hospitalized after overdosing on hydrocodone prescribed to him in order to deal with the pain associated with his eleventh quadruple bypass surgery.

Yet in spite of the terrible maladies she and her family have suffered through, Eleanor Iselin has soldiered on in her crusade to eradicate what she believes to be the biggest public health threat to Americans today.

One day in the not-so-distant future, with the help of brave people like her, Van Halen Ebola may be a thing of the past.

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  1. #1 by ~xtian on October 9, 2014 - 11:39 AM

  2. #2 by Dave on October 9, 2014 - 4:35 PM

    Why did Eddie Van Halen used to perform in a red prison jumpsuit? He looks like freakin’ Sideshow Bob.

  3. #3 by Dean Hayes on October 11, 2014 - 5:54 PM

    how bloody stupid van halen makes great music who ever said must be thick inbreed hill billy without a brain

  4. #4 by Fassett on October 12, 2014 - 12:02 AM

    Uuuuh. What in the hell is the source for this? Is this a mighty trolling? Also, is this lady also Angela Lansbury, returned from the grave (Eleanor Iselin being the name of the role she played in “the Manchurian Candidate)?

    • #5 by b2curious on October 17, 2014 - 8:51 AM

      Returned from the grave? Angela Lansbury is still alive. Today, Oct. 17, 2014, is her 89th birthday.

  5. #6 by Tom Cannell on October 12, 2014 - 3:12 PM

    kill this person please

    • #7 by Wastrel on October 16, 2014 - 1:30 PM

      If you have to ask whether you are being trollled, then you are being trolled.

    • #8 by Wastrel on October 16, 2014 - 1:32 PM

      My reply was directed to Fassett. Sorry, I was confused by the interface.

  6. #9 by Sloppy French Kisser on October 16, 2014 - 10:01 AM

    I knew this all along but was afraid to come forward.

  7. #10 by Nak on October 16, 2014 - 10:13 AM

    Might as well jump…

  8. #11 by cathy on October 16, 2014 - 10:57 AM

    The woman sounds like she has some serious mental concerns….while we all mock her, it’s likely she has developmental problems, possible undiagnosed schizophrenia.

    • #12 by Dave on October 16, 2014 - 11:12 AM

      Or tuberculosis. Or psoriatic arthritis. Or gout. Or hypertrichosis.

  9. #13 by Shive on October 16, 2014 - 11:11 AM

    Your all wrong. Many people infected and die from Ebola have been medical personnel. People that go into medicine, except for some doctors, because they are caring people concerned about the welfare of all people. Not just the rich. They want to help others. So Ebola is a plague unleashed in by the Republican in attempt to kill off these caring, concerned, and helpful people because….. these caring people that are concerned about others, the environment and not rich are Democrats.

    • #14 by Dave on October 16, 2014 - 11:50 AM

      Normally, I wouldn’t do this, but this comment is so stupid I will: It’s “YOU’RE” not “YOUR”!

  10. #15 by sixteanine on October 16, 2014 - 1:31 PM

    LMAO!!! Then again, I’m a huge Van Halen fan and am frightened. I have all of their albums AND DIABETES and a ringing in my ears. WTF did you do to me DLR and EVH????????

  11. #16 by sixteanine on October 16, 2014 - 1:33 PM

    Get in the liferaft my friends, but pleas; Women and Children First.

  12. #17 by droopus on October 16, 2014 - 10:24 PM

    What’s the damn link?

  13. #18 by droopus on October 16, 2014 - 10:24 PM

    Ah, what’s the link?

  14. #19 by Bert on October 17, 2014 - 2:34 AM

    I’ve been telling people for years, but no one would take me seriously on this one. I also definitely agree with the Hagar-botulism connection. It’s pretty much an established fact anywhere outside of the mainstream media.

  15. #20 by VH Rules on October 18, 2014 - 12:47 AM

    LMAO! This was hilarious! But they have their information confused. Ebola was actually caused by a Pretty Woman playing Little Guitars while Dancing In the Streets in front of a Cathedral. Folklore says she was On Fiyaaaahhhh and Running With the Devil but the truth is it was a woman named Jamie, Crying because she was in love with The Ice Cream Man but he turned out to be an Atomic Punk named Big Bad Bill. She discovered he was actually Hot for Teacher, named Josephina, (but she was keeping Secrets and ended up a Girl Gone Bad). The Dream was Over and she cried in dispair, “Why Can’t This Be Love?” She was Outta Love Again and Strung Out in her grief and rage. She became mentally Unchained. She beat him Black and Blue then exiled him to Panama to a place called House of Pain where they would Hang Em High on Judgement Day. But on the way he got a Tattoo that said “Honeybabysweetiedoll” which got infected. He cried out, “Somebody Get Me A Doctor!” He was D.O.A. but The Source of Infection couldn’t be found and the superstitious locals said, “Could This Be Magic?” Out of fear they shipped his body to Cabo Wabo but The Full Bug was still in the body and caused a viral Eruption. People began having Drop Dead Legs and the virus was called the Sinner’s Swing. It’s rumored that a Man In A 3 Piece Suit ended up contracting the virus before he went back to his home in Amsterdam. And viola! The beginning of an epidemic.

  16. #21 by Roxy on October 18, 2014 - 2:25 AM

    this lady a f***n nut case!! She needs to put all of her neg. energy into her own familys health & wellbeing instead of spewing insane ideas about one of the best rock bands around!

  17. #22 by BadBobbyBrady on October 18, 2014 - 2:40 PM

    That is the dumbest story I have ever read. No doubt some idiot Democrat, Alabama Loving, Kraftwerk listening, Alex Jones fan. Please, whoever came up with this idea, just kill yourself!

  18. #23 by Brian on October 18, 2014 - 8:40 PM

    “LOL” to the idiots that don’t understand what satire is.

  19. #24 by JAN on October 20, 2014 - 2:14 PM

    Execute Operation 66 on both ladies!!!

  20. #25 by Regular John on October 26, 2014 - 7:58 AM

    But what about Roth’s sólo albums? I heard ebola makes you going crazy by the heat…

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