Archive for February, 2012

7 out of 10 Republican Voters Believe Mustaine Endorsement of Santorum Is “The Most Important Factor” In Presidential Race

In a recent Rasmussen poll of Republican voters, over 70 percent cited Megadeth frontman Dave Mustaine’s endorsement of Rick Santorum as being the critical factor in their choice of candidates.  Mustaine’s endorsement ranked ahead of the economy, international terrorism, the myth of global warming, contraception, electability, a woman’s right to vote, the return of the messiah and abortion as being the most important factor in who they will choose to represent the Republican Party in November.  In spite of Santorum’s recent flood of absurd, borderline insane comments and Mustaine’s later remark that he had not, in fact, endorsed Santorum, the Megadeth connection has the former Pennsylvania Senator leading in the polls by as many as four percentage points.

Mustaine’s role as Republican king maker started back in 2004 when he announced his intention to vote for George W. Bush.  Bush was victorious.  Since then, many Americans have turned to Megadeth albums to help explain many of the difficult problems that face the nation. Mustaine, whose recent record Endgame railed against wireless tracking chips being put in people’s heads and Americans being forced into FEMA concentration camps, has become the snarling voice of the moderate wing of the Republican Party.

At a town hall meeting in Michigan, people were still abuzz with the news of Mustaine’s “endorsement”.  “I feel like Mustaine and I have a lot in common,” said 83-year-old Jane Summerville of Ypsilanti, “We both support a candidate who doesn’t follow the instructions of the New Ways Evil Book of Rules.  And that man is Rick Santorum.”

Agnes Murphy, 63, of Auburn Hills was even more impressed.  “I have been unhappy with many of the Republican candidates this year.  It’s like I told my husband, ‘If there’s a new way, I’ll be the first in line.  But it better work this time!’  Santorum has some radically new ideas.  I don’t care what the liberals say; it’s still we the people.  Right?”  announced Murphy while pacing, foaming at the mouth and waving her arms wildly.

According to James Sullivan, Santorum’s campaign manager in Detroit, Mustaine’s endorsement gives them an excellent chance to vanquish Obama, their hated foe.  “Obama is like the Pied Piper, leading rats through the streets.  And Americans are dancing like marionettes,” howled Sullivan at a room full of shrieking, Megadeth tee shirt wearing Republicans.

Mustaine’s foray into politics may be the most successful attempt for a metal artist to influence a major election, but it certainly isn’t the first.  Quorthon, of Bathory fame, actually spent much of 1984 away from music helping to run Ronald Reagan’s Presidential campaign in Utah.  Back in 1956, Slayer vocalist Tom Araya made history by supporting Adalai Stevenson in his battle against Republican incumbent Dwight Eisenhower. And who could forget when Tom Angelripper of Sodom threw his weight behind Rutherford B. Hayes in his election campaign against Samuel Tilden in 1876.

, , , , , , , , , , , ,


Study Finds Listening To Djent Is Potentially Life-Threatening

Max Martin, Djent Sufferer, After Listening To The New Periphery EP

The New England Journal of Otolaryngology, the foremost magazine on ear related issues, released a study on Friday claiming that djent music can lead to several health issues including dizziness, vomiting and the odd compulsion to have more than 20 strings on a guitar.  The study was commissioned last year after 52 people were hospitalized after collapsing at a Meshuggah concert in Silver Springs, Maryland.  Several of the injured were also diagnosed with logherria, a condition marked by incoherent babbling, as well as Fripp’s Disorder, a rare disease that renders people unable to enjoy music unless it is in rare, obscure time signatures.  The journal went on to call djent “the greatest threat to the health of the human ear drum” and went as far as to call for the arrest and caning of Meshuggah frontman Fredrik Thordendal.

While this is the first major study on the physiological effects of djent, several metalhead scientists have been talking about its dangerous effects as far back as 2002.  Survivors of Djent (SOD), a group started for people suffering from djent related symptoms, started as a support group back in 2005.  It currently has over 30,000 members and offers help to people on 12 continents.

The horror stories that each member has are truly sobering.  Bob, a djent survivor from Manhasset, Long Island, remembers the terror that he felt when he found himself at the local music store trying to buy a 78 string bass.  “I barely knew how to play bass but I kept adding strings.  It’s as if I thought that people would see all those strings and think ‘Hey Bob’s a really talented musician’ or ‘Hey Bob has all those strings, it doesn’t really matter that he has leprosy and horrible breath, let’s be his friend’”

Other victims have stories about strange symptoms caused by exposure to djent.  “For some strange reason, I became obsessed with onomatopoeia,” said James, a djent survivor from Des Moines, Iowa, “I stopped using real words and started calling everything by the sound it made.  A gun became ‘click click boom’, my washing machine became ‘junga junga junga’, my car was ‘vrooooooooom screech’ and my daughter was ‘thump thump thump’.  I lost my job, my wife left me and I got kicked out of the Van Halen cover band my friends had formed.  Djent ruined my life.”

Djent Victim Attempts To Play A 238 String Guitar

Djent Victim Attempts To Play A 238 String Guitar

Another common trait among victims is the inability to stop using technical music terms around people who have no idea what they are talking about.  They often struggle to fit this type of talk into their everyday lives with terrible results.  “I told the kids ‘You sound like a damned palm-muted two-octave power chord for Godsakes!’  They all just looked at me like my voice was modulating at 1.6 kilohertz or something,” pronounced Melinda, a frustrated kindergarten teacher from Duluth, Minnesota.

Many doctors believe the recent flood of anti-djent information will help bring America closer to a djent-free future.  Arizona is already discussing a bill to not allow djent to be played in public on Sundays.  In Alabama, where marriage among djent listeners has already been outlawed, a bill is being considered banning the children of djent fans from joining civic organizations like the Boy Scouts.  Several Texas congressmen have even proposed the death penalty for any musician who creates a song that uses the time signature 15/4 or 9/8.   If this study finds a wider audience, it may lead to the end of djent as we know it.

, , , , , , , , ,


Obama Proposes Form Without Content; Buffalos Without Wings; Utter Hopelessness

(Washington)-In stunning pessimism, America forward never back truth without honesty is the medium of true messiness.  Socialist polarized mobs running outward not outwitting death.  Free to choose everything except what matters, no matter what the rules are.  Debt beyond parents life as rebellious war against nothingness consuming reduced to pattern.  Things explained are things forgotten against the backdrop of inhaled ignorance.  “Wandering, wondering as their lives slowly slip through their greedy little fingers,” accordion to White House Repeater of Cliches Jay Carney.

They are as much a part of this disaster as we are.  Stand up for the privilage of not sitting down.  Anxiety as a rational response to unconscionable conditions.  As it repeats over and over and we confuse action for motion and motion for freedom.  And freedom for immortality.  And immortality for meaning.  And meaning for action.  In a recent Gallup poll nearly two-thirds of buffalos have no wings and nearly one hundred percent of Americans are doomed to the terms of mortality.  No matter what they’d like you to believe.  Accordion to So and So Jones, person on the street and representative of the Zeitgeist, “I don’t even know what’s real anymore as I look into a world where I am bombarded with the constant flow of answers to questions that I wouldn’t have even bothered to ask.  Drowning in a river of useless actions.  Amused to death by the 24 hour 7 day a week carnival of unmeaning.  Sweat my only solace.”

Now, here’s the paragraph about possible solutions and potential mystery.  So and So who wants you to like him or her and maybe even vote that way proposes solutions that either serve the purpose of taking our eyes off the existential ball or promising something they hope we forget about in twenty minutes (which we probably will because crisis is a great substitution for crisis).  So and So complains about something hoping to give us hope, or comfort, or something new to hate, or something to talk about with the other doomed fools that we are chained to, or something to buy, or something to bury.  We all rally around because a recent Gallup Poll has stated, in no uncertain terms, that 51 percent of us share the same delusion.

You should write a letter to your Congressman.  Because they will listen.  Because they care.  Because you have a solution no one else has thought of.  Because democracy guarantees us the right to go on and on about absolutely nothing and replace one empty vessel with another every four years.  Write that letter.  Seriously.  Do it.  That will make everything all better.  That’ll solve the issue of the sheer absurdity of the world.  That’ll take the sting out of that nagging death problem that everyone seems to be conveniently not mentioning.  That’ll make lions into lambs and lambs into citizens.  And citizens into vampires.  The world is probably in the shape that it’s in because you haven’t written that letter yet.  When you do, all of your troubles will go away.  You’ll see.  Write the letter.  Save us all.

In conclusion, eventually everything you do, every action you take will be forgotten.  Everyone around you will be gone.  Take comfort in the fact that you are nothing, or at least, that’s how you’ll be remembered.  Besides, in a recent Fox News poll a full 105 percent of people surveyed think it’s someone else’s fault.  “The solution is complete ignorance,” accordion to President Barack Obama, “that or an endless cycle of misery and fear, depression and alienation.  Or government spending.  Or complaining about government spending.  Or endless blame.  Or endless blamelessness.  It’s up to you.  After all, isn’t this what democracy is all about?”

, , , , , , , , , , , , ,


Iron Maiden Plans “The Least of The Beast” 2013 Tour; Will Play All Songs People Hate

The greatest band in the known universe is about to reinvent the idea of a tour.  After Iron Maiden concludes their highly awaited “Maiden England 2012 Tour” they plan to go back out on the road and play the worst songs from their nearly 35 year catalogue.  According to singer Bruce Dickinson, “Iron Maiden has always been on the cutting edge of heavy metal.  What is more cutting edge then making people pay 85 dollars to see a bunch of songs that they can’t stand?!?”

Maiden plans to dust off some of the most cringe inducing songs from their catalog including Weekend Warrior, Holy Smoke, Chains of Misery, 2 AM, The Apparition and Blood On The World’s Hands.  They plan to open with Hooks in You, a song so bad that it has been linked to the self-immolation of 12 monks over the past 5 years.  In the hopes to incite the audience into riot-like fits of rage they plan on playing Sheriff of Huddersfield, Roll Over Vic Vella and Nodding Donkey Blues, three b-sides they have never bothered to play live before.  They plan on closing the set with Bring Your Daughter…To The Slaughter, the song that won them the Razzie for Worst Song from a Movie in 1989 (from A Nightmare on Elm Street:  Part 5).

In keeping with their more “progressive” recent style of song writing, they plan to keep every song to a minimum of eight minutes long.  Instead of adding intricate soloing or creating a novel new arrangement, they will simply repeat the same chorus over and over for five additional minutes per song.  If the audience has not ingested full vats of cyanide laced Kool-Aid by the middle of the show, the 19-minute version of The Angel and The Gambler should push them over the edge.

What could possibly top that setlist?  How about an encore where they play the entire new Final Frontier album.  Twice.  Along with a 12-minute Bruce Dickinson monologue about the joys of flying backed by Janick Gers playing harmonica.  It should be a night few will soon forget.

The band plans on releasing a Least of The Beast album featuring their worst songs in tandem with the tour.  They also will be releasing six new DVDs in the next year, including Bus 666 disc detailing the bands trip through Central Florida on a Greyhound Bus back in 1981 and Meal 666, where the audience can have the rare treat of watching Bruce Dickinson eat a steak dinner.  Nap 666, featuring Dave Murray sleeping for two hours, is scheduled for release in 2014.

(Thanks to Brutal Brad, Metal Matt, Jive Time Jimmy Camiby, Nansen Von Deathmetal and Corporal Punishment in the Tyranny of Tradition Research Department for your help breaking this important story)

, , , , , , , , , , , , ,


They’re Back!!!!!: 2366 Words With Mace Guitarist and Producer Dave Hillis

80’s crossover thrash legends Mace have returned to reek untold havoc on the eardrums of the metal world.  Tyranny of Tradition got a chance to sit down with guitarist Dave Hillis in his first interview since the comeback began.  Dave talked extensively about the state of modern metal along with his array of experiences in the Seattle music scene.

Tyranny:  Let me start with the obvious question.  The band has been apart 23 years, what made you decide to get back together?

Dave:  I was 17 or 18 when we were doing those records and nobody was doing that kind of music at the time especially in our area of the world (a town outside of Seattle called Everett).  When we were recording it the guy who was recording us was like “What is this?!?!”  He had never heard anything like that.

We were naïve and didn’t know much about producing or producers.  As time went on, I became a recording engineer and producer.  I recently built a studio here in Seattle and I always wanted to revisit that stuff and do a real mix on some of them.  I always felt like it never had a fair shake, sound quality wise.  I found the old tapes in my mother’s garage.  They were like 25 years old so I had to have them baked (a process where you literally bake old tapes in a conventional oven so that they are playable).  We then moved them out to Pro Tools and I started remixing them.  It was really fun to hear the old tapes again and give them better sound quality.

That was so much fun I decided to try a new song, just for the heck of it.  The singer Kirk and I started talking and I told him what I was doing and we pulled some guys together and did one just for fun.  From there it just snowballed.  I hadn’t been playing much, I had been behind the scenes engineering and producing so I had to dust off the cobwebs to try to play that fast.

I never thought we were going to put it back together.   Then, we started playing for people and we got excited and said “What the hell!”  There wasn’t a real definite plan, but it has turned into one now.

Tyranny:  Things are very different since you recorded the Mace stuff.  I’m sure there are a million things you can think of, but in what major ways has music changed since then?

Dave:  So many different ways, from how it’s distributed to how it is recorded.  In the time we were doing it, there was no internet.  We were pretty ambitious.  Everything was done through tape trading and writing letters.   We would pick up punk and metal fanzines, see addresses and write to people.  We started writing to Death Angel, Possessed and all the bands in the Bay Area and becoming pen pals with them.  A lot of our first shows were done that way.   We played in Frisco a lot because the Bay Area was starting to happen for crossover and thrash.  We’d say to them that if they wanted to play some shows in Seattle or Portland we’d put a bill together.  Then we’d come down there and open for them.  That’s how we started touring.

We used to play Berkeley, Ruthie’s Inn, where Exodus and Metallica were hanging out.   We became friends with Pushead, from a band called Septic Death, and he was a big supporter of us doing the thrash crossover thing.  He ended up doing the artwork for Damage Incorporated for Metallica.  We really got into that circle.

In Seattle, we got shows through the punk thing.  We opened shows for The Circle Jerks, D.O.A., D.R.I. and C.O.C.  In the suburbs, we put on all ages shows and that would be more of a metal crowd.  We really had to travel to San Francisco to get noticed.

We mailed our stuff to everywhere overseas.  We were getting fan mail from Eastern Europe and they were selling our tee shirts in South America.   It was really DIY.  It seems like you could do that more with the internet, but people don’t seem as ambitious.

Tyranny:  You’ve been pretty busy in the time in between.  It’s not like you’ve been sitting around collecting pictures of Al Roker or anything.  Talk about some of the things you’ve worked on between when you stopped working on Mace and now.

Dave:  I wanted to get into different types of music.  Everything from industrial to shoegazer type music and I started experimenting a lot.  I also started getting into the production aspect of music.  I got a job at London Bridge Studios working as an assistant for Rick Parashar, the producer.  I was really thrown into the fire right away.   My first record was a band called Love and Ice, one of the first signings to Interscope.  Right off the bat, I was working on major label records.  Right after that were demos for Mookie Blaylock, who eventually became Pearl Jam, along with some of the Alice in Chains stuff.

When the grunge thing happened, I was at one of the top studios in Seattle working as Rick’s engineer.  We were doing those records not knowing they were going to be that big.  I knew those guys from around town.  We shared rehearsal rooms, played the same parties, and chased the same girls.  When we were recording them, nobody knew any of this was going to sell.  It was like recording friends.  Nobody was famous yet.

Tyranny:  Do you think if Pearl Jam stuck with the name Mookie Blaylock, he’d be in the Basketball Hall of Fame right now?

Dave:  (laughing) You have to wonder, huh! I know they weren’t into using his name.  When we were demoing that stuff they were putting it together on the fly.  They didn’t even have Eddie Vedder yet.  Once it solidified and they became a band they had to start thinking about what to really call themselves.

Tyranny:  I always liked the name Mookie Blaylock better than Pearl Jam, to be honest.  I loved him when he was at Oklahoma.

Dave:  Jeff (Ament) is a huge basketball fan.  As a matter of fact, he was a great basketball player.  I think he was a college player.  He’s crazy good.

Tyranny:  It had to be a surreal experience looking around at all these guys you grew up with and all of a sudden they are ridiculously famous.

Dave:  It took a long time to even grasp it.  When it was going on I wasn’t that into it. I didn’t even own any of the records. After they blew up, you really didn’t see them much anymore.  They were gone and on the road.

Years later, I produced a band that Stone (Gossard) signed to his label called Loosegroove.  I got to know him better than. Otherwise, you just didn’t see them as much.  It’s not like the local kegger parties were still going on or anything.

I did get to know Jerry (Cantrell) a lot when I moved out to LA.  He ended up taking over my apartment in LA and I moved next door.  We got to jam together and hang out a lot.  I saw him more in LA than I ever did in Seattle.

It’s so different than people imagined it was.  Nobody expected any of it and when it did happen it’s a whole different scenario.

Tyranny:  I want to get into Mace, because I have been obsessed with “Process of Elimination” all week.  I’ve been playing it non-stop and annoying my wife and kids to death.  They don’t really grasp the type of music I like.

Dave:  When we made it, nobody grasped it either!

Tyranny:   (laughing)  Nice!  For someone who hasn’t heard it, how would you describe Mace’s sound?

Dave:  We were heavy metal kids who met in high school.  Got into the British wave of heavy metal.  Then, we got into hardcore and punk rock and became friends with the band The Accused.  They were punk rock from the day they were born and all of a sudden they started to get into metal.  They got into Exodus and Metallica.  We both started having the concept of crossing them over and creating a new sound.  We were putting punk aspects and political ideas into metal.  The guitar work was more metal in a way but also sloppy and blurry like punk.  There was such a divide at the time.  You were either punk or metal.  We’d play a punk show and they’d be yelling at us because we were too metal and we’d do a metal show and we were too punk.

Tyranny:  I love some of the Mace lyrics.  Particularly “Drilling For Brains”.  I’ve been running around screaming the lyrics at strangers.  It’s a lot of fun.  For 17 and 18 year old kids, you were writing some pretty bright stuff.  Particularly, Room 101 which is a great homage to Orwell’s 1984.  When you wrote it you didn’t know how things were going to be in 2012, but do you think today we are closer to a 1984 type society?

Dave:  The timing couldn’t be more right, particularly the political angle.  It’s funny how much of it has become real.  The Patriot Act put that into reality.  When we were happening the Reagan era anti-heavy metal stuff and the Satan stuff was big.  I can’t believe how I’m seeing it again during these Republican caucuses.  It’s the Falwell era all over again.

Tyranny:  You cover that pretty well in the song The Evil in Good.  The lyric “change under the guiding light of the new Religious Right.”  That was pretty accurate.

Dave:  I know.  It’s pretty shocking to see it happening again.  I have to pinch myself to see what decade we are in.  I thought we were over that.  I was very surprised that birth control issues have been big again.

Tyranny:   Right!  I saw that.  Let me ask you about the whole Metal Massacre V CD thing.  This confused me a bit.  You had a song on that compilation that was actually called “Marching Sacrifice”, but the CD listed it as “Marching Saproyites”.  Help me understand this.

Dave:  Right, that one has been going around.  That was the one of the first things we came up with.  It was written in Crafts class in High School.  It was the easiest class so no one was ever doing anything.  It’s a sci-fi thing.  Saprophytes are maggot type things.  There was a story we made up about giant saprophytes marching through a town.  Somehow it got misspelled on one of them.  We were on the Northwest Metal Fest that same year which was a compilation out of here that we were on with other bands like Metal Church.  Everybody was spelling it the wrong way.  Then, another pressing came out and corrected it.  The correct title was “Marching Saprophytes”.

Tyranny:  I like Marching Saprophytes better.  The image of giant maggots running through the streets is hilarious.  It’s much better than Marching Sacrifice.

Dave:  That’s the one that people got wrong.  I think they thought Marching Sacrifice sounded more metal.

Tyranny:  Marching Sacrifice makes less sense.  I don’t know why a sacrifice would be marching.  Especially if it’s already been sacrificed.

Dave: Exactly.

Tyranny:  You have a new song called HAARP Strings.  I was excited about this because I love conspiracy theories.  HAARP is the gov’t project that has been linked to changes in weather patterns, mind control and earthquakes.  Tell me a bit about your ideas on this.  Do you think the theory is legitimate?

Dave:  That was what Kirk (the singer) and I were wondering about.  We had both seen the Jessie Ventura conspiracy theory show and we were talking about it.  We were really getting into it.  I think it’s highly possible.  The whole Tesla thing.  I think it’s something to question and wonder about.  We both have really gotten off on that conspiracy things as well.  How much do we really know?

Tyranny:  When you were first out, there was no other Mace.  Now there is P Diddy’s sidekick.  Are you worried you are going to get people at your shows that want to hear ‘Mo Money, Mo Problems’?

Dave:  When I first heard of him when he came out I laughed about it.  I kind of forgot about it, then someone wrote a comment on the Blabbermouth article about us talking about the rap song.  I thought “Oh no, are people really going to think that?”  I don’t know.  What can you do?

Tyranny:  Mase wasn’t bad.  He could rap without moving his mouth, which I thought was fascinating.

Dave:  I think the story is he got religion and just walked away from his career.

Tyranny:  If you do Mo Money, Mo Problems as a thrash song that would be incredible.

Dave:  It’s a total possibility.  I might have to take that as a challenge.

Tyranny:  Tell me what’s up next for you guys.  A tour?  An album?

Dave:  It took off on us.  We are talking about playing in Oakland at the Opera House in the summer.   We were looking to play the Northwest Metal Fest down in the Tacoma area.  We are starting to get some offers.  At least this year if not next year we want to start hitting some of the festivals in Europe.  We are talking to a couple labels.  Two in Germany, Metal Blade and Century Media about doing something in the states.

I’m still producing bands so I have some records that I am still scheduled to do and I will fit in a new record for us.  We are going to release the five songs we remixed plus the new song first to let people know were back and to let other people know what we are like.  Our first show back is going to be May 10th at the Showbox here in Seattle.  Tommy, the guitar player for The Accused, is going to come on and play a song with us.  We are going to start it off and see where things go.

Check out Mace’s new song on their Facebook site

, , , , , , , , , , , ,


Danzig Gives Birth To Identical Twin Girls

When rumors first came out a few months back about Glenn Danzig taking a break from touring because of his pregnancy, most people thought it was just a publicity stunt or a very strange joke.  However, on Friday at 5:34 AM, after being in labor for 18 hours, Danzig gave birth to two beautiful daughters.  The girls, Christina and Sistinas, both weighed nearly seven pounds and were in great health.  Danzig, overcome by the beauty of the moment, broke into an soulful, impromptu version of “Mother” as he lay prone on the operating table.

While male pregnancies are not common, thanks to medical technology they are becoming a bit less rare.  Danzig, however, needed no help from doctors in order to spontaneously grow a womb and ovaries.  He simply willed it.

Danzig, who is planning on creating a master race of Danzig children all sharing his superior DNA, knew that he couldn’t rely on his wives to help create perfect beings.  In spite of the fact that he is currently married to 64 women, including actress Meryl Streep, he claimed in a recent interview that he refused to “diminish his essence” by procreating with others.

Danzig is not a stranger to bizarre birth stories.  He was, in fact, born in a laboratory in Lodi, New Jersey in 1955.  Dr. Helmut Neumann, a German scientist who immigrated to the US after World War 2, created Danzig by mixing the DNA of blues singer Robert Johnson, Russian mystic Rasputin and an Alaskan Grey Wolf.  The result was a human who carried a nearly godlike voice, the ability to make women fall in love with him by simply breathing and the power to control the minds of feral animals.  Some Danzig fans have claimed that his sweat is capable of curing lupus if ingested once a week for two consecutive months, but this has yet to be independently verified by scientists.

In spite of the fact that they are only three days old, the Danzig girls have already not only exhibited the ability to talk, they have already learned how to deny the possibility of a full Misfits reunion.  The twins have received a great deal of attention around the nursury for their famous father and their matching devilock hairstyles.   MTV has already approached the babies about doing their own reality television show called “The Danzig Sisters” which should be on television starting in the fall.

The Danzig Girls Moments After They Were Born

, , , , , , , , , ,


Day of The Expanding Man

The Future Meets The Past

Over the past hundred years, human beings have grown dramatically in both height and weight.  Many of our greatest Americans, including George Washington and Thomas Jefferson, stood less than 2 feet tall.  Some scientists believe that our recent growth spurt is because of hormones and steroids in our milk, while others believe that better nutrition and health care have been the major factors, but it is an incontrovertible fact that humans are becoming enormous.

The average American male today stands 5 foot 10 and weighs 190 pounds, while his female counterpart is around 5 foot 4 164 pounds.  If you look at the numbers in 1900, it may surprise you.  Did you know just over 100 years ago the average male was a mere 3 foot 8 and 90 pounds?  Women were even more diminutive, standing a shade under 3 foot 3 and weighing 64 pounds.  This amazing statistic grows frightening when graphed on a curve.  By the year 2025, it’s expected that most American men and women will be larger than 8 feet and over 500 pounds.

A larger sized American will mean the need for more food consumption.  Several solutions have been proposed, but the most commonly accepted possibility, proposed at the UN only last month, is the eating of all natural born German citizens.  Germans are high in protein and contain the most calories per human of any possible cannibalistic meal.  Not only is a diet high in Germans filling, they are also extremely healthy.  Germans contain more Vitamin D than any current race and, as we know, without Vitamin D most humans quickly devolve into bloodthirsty, raging  werewolves.

Some doctors are proposing radical solutions for the recent trend in human size.  A shrinking procedure, first created by Doctor Julius Sandberg in 1998, has allowed giant people to reduce their height by as much as 5 inches.  The procedure, which involves humans beings trapped in large machines similar to dryers and put on spin for over three hours, has produced reliable results.  Another more controversial technique, which involves eating the pituitary glands of baby elephants, has gained some popularity in the news but has yet to yield the same results.

These solutions, however, have come at a great cost.  Over 40 percent of those who participated in the size experiments have began taking on mime-like qualities, including a pale face, inability to speak and the unnatural urge to pretend they are in an invisible box.   Several patients have spontaneously exploded while on airplanes during takeoff.  One patient even had her forehead expand rapidly until it was more than 5 feet long and 3 feet wide.

The rapid growth of human beings could cause untold suffering to people as they struggle with the aches and pains of a frame and a world holding well more than it is supposed to. However, the economic benefits that would come from the aggressive augmentation of the human form far outweighs the problems.  Doctors, hospitals and insurance providers will make billions as bones snap under the pressure of the added size.  The construction industry will be revitalized as buildings are reshaped to house the new race of giants.  A whole new economic boom based on the resizing of nearly everything could create a golden age for these gravity-taunted monsters.  The future is sure to be very big and very bright.

, , , , , , , , , , , ,


Satan To Metal Bands: “Stop Writing Songs About Me Already!”

Satan During Last Friday's Exclusive Tyranny of Tradition Interview

Last Friday, we got a chance to catch up with Satan over at the Starbucks in Alpharetta, Georgia.  The Dark Prince and I sat down over Frappuccinos and discussed his life and career.  He was remarkably candid with me about the challenges that he has faced as the most powerful force of evil in the known universe.  We also discussed the current state of heavy metal.  Here are some highlights from our interview….

Tyranny:  So, Satan, what are some of your proudest achievements?

Satan:  Well, I’m particularly proud of greed.  Watching people gets so worked up over the stories they tell themselves about lifeless material is really a joy to watch.  I’m also very partial to vanity.  It’s the best gateway drug ever invented.  If you can get people to believe that there is something remarkable about themselves that they have and others don’t you can get them to do just about anything to protect it.  Who needs to fill a church with demons and ghouls when you can simply fill one of the ministers with an over abundance of self-interest?  You give me twenty seconds and a mirror and I can do pure magic.

Tyranny:  As the devil, you face many challenges.  Tell me about a few of them.

Satan:  Well, human beings have a remarkable capacity for love.  They are often willing to give of themselves when they are clear they will get nothing in return.  You see it all the time if you know what you are looking for.  You have no idea how frustrating this is for me.  Sure, I’ve managed to convince some people that all acts are essentially selfish.  I’ve planted the idea of human nature in people so they think they can never be any better than those who came before them.  But, some people simply choose to ignore this and try to turn the world into a place of empathy and compassion.  Those people make my job a nightmare.

Tyranny:  What do you think about the current state of heavy metal?

Satan:  Honestly, I’m just tired of people writing songs about me.  Stop it already!  Please!  I mean, when Venom or Bathory were doing it, it was kinda cool.  I was flattered.  After 30 years and literally thousands of songs about my powers, I’m just tired of it.  Slayer fans are the worst.  I can’t even go to their concerts anymore because people just scream my name the whole time.  You try enjoying the drum solo in Angel of Death with a bunch of bearded lunatics screaming your name over and over.  It’s annoying.

Tyranny:  Do you think this stems from a general lack of creativity in metal?

Satan:  There is plenty of creativity in metal; it’s just that the audience often prefers the comfort of what they already know.  Some of the best experiments out there fall on deaf ears.  I try to discourage creativity because it can lead to joy and freedom in the minds of humans. It’s one of the things I’ve never been able to beat out of people.  To fight it, I have had to come up with some very unique solutions.  Case in point, every once in a while I plant a bad creative idea in order to discourage bands from thinking outside of the box.  To show them that their ideas could lead them to being humiliated.  Then, I encourage legions of angry and sad people to savage them on message boards in order to drive the point home.

Tyranny:  Can you give me an example?

Satan:  Sure.  The Metallica/Lou Reed thing was my idea.  That should set creativity further back then The McCarthy Hearings.

Tyranny:  If you could leave the reader with one quick idea, what would it be?

Satan:  Vote Gingrich!!!!!

Tyranny:  Thanks for your time.  By the way, thanks for your help promoting the Santorum article!

Satan:  No problem!  And thank you for your soul.

, , , , , , , , , , , , , ,


Metalheads Protest Santorum Visit To Tacoma

In a bizarre but effective demonstration, scores of enraged metalheads showed up last night to protest Rick Santorum’s fake anti-metal agenda last night in Tacoma, Washington.   The protestors, well aware that Santorum hadn’t made the comments about metal that were first reported on this website, decided that he had said and done enough repugnant stuff in his time on the national stage to deserve their wrath anyway.  Santorum, who was speaking only seconds away from the Metalheads and the Occupy Tacoma Protestors, spent most of the night ignoring the protestors and saying essentially meaningless things to the crowd who applauded wildly for no reason in particular.

Photo By Glen Casebeer

Glen Casebeer, writer for The Northwest Music Scene, who was at the rally noted that the evening was “volatile at times”.  Protestors, packed together like sardines, spent a good portion of the night arguing with wild-eyed Santorum supporters who were emblazoned by the full moon and scent of human blood.  The night featured the predictable glitter bombing of Santorum along with Tacoma’s shock troops getting a chance to use their tasers on a few people who were practicing their First Amendment right to free assembly.  All things considered, it was a fine night for the democratic process.

Photo By Glen Casebeer

, , , , , , , ,


Varg Vikernes Creates Secret Weather Control Device; Threatens to Destroy World

After his recent release from prison for the murder of Mayhem frontman Euronymous, Varg Vikernes seemed to be saying all the right things.  He was going to retire to a quiet life where he would write music for his band Burzum and work patiently in his garden on his prized daffodils.

He had become a devout reader of Nicholas Sparks novels, particularly “The Notebook” which he called “the most bittersweet, poignant tale of young love he had ever encountered”.  He had bought a farm just north of Trondheim where he planned to work with sick goats and even open a petting zoo for young children.

People had thought that the bizarre, horrifying saga of Varg was finally coming to a quiet end.   They were wrong.

Last Wednesday, Varg sent a letter to the Sandefjord Daily Examiner, claiming that since his release in March 2009 he has been secretly working on a weather control device that could “rain the fury of the gods upon our world.”  The device, which he referred to as Odin’s Hammer, is capable of creating tornadoes and hurricanes, along with other types of obscure and bizarre weather events.

As a show of its strength, on Monday Varg claimed to have caused the freak blizzard that covered Riyadh, Saudi Arabia with 12 inches of snow.  He also claimed responsibility for the freak frog storm that interrupted Saturday’s football match between Manchester United and Liverpool.  “I’ve shown you I can make frogs fall from the sky,” said Varg in a letter released on Sunday, “you will bow down before me…..YOUR BLACK METAL GOD.”

Interpol has been tracking Varg since the first message made it to the newspapers.  Several sources claim that he has slipped out of Norway and hidden in North Korea under the protection of the slightly bloated leader of that nation, Kim Jong Un.

Another source claims that Varg had originally offered to sell the device to Iran for 100 million dollars, but decided against it when he learned that several prominent Iranian clerics preferred more mainstream black metal bands like Dimmu Borgir.

Varg claims he will not use Odin’s Hammer if several demands are immediately met.  The list of demands range from the slightly bizarre to the unbelievably ridiculous.  First of all, he wants a fleet of 200 World War 2 Sherman Tanks at his disposal at all times.  He has asked that Wednesday be renamed Heimdall, in honor of the Norse God whose horn will announce the end of the world.  He demanded a worldwide ban on the use of ukuleles.

Finally, he asked for the ruins of the Roman Coliseum to be filled with 500,000 pounds of gluten-free cupcakes.  Authorities are confused by Varg’s request and some believe that it is possible that these requests might, in fact, be signs of mental illness.

In America, one of the targets for potential attack named by Varg in his last letter, responses were mixed.  Several prominent politicians called for an immediate program creating billions of dollars in subsidies to corporations that create gluten free cupcakes.

However, some politicians, like former Presidential candidate Scott Walker were not impressed with Varg’s threats.  “We all know that it is impossible for human actions to affect the weather.  That’s just preposterous,” said Walker in Wednesday’s interview on The Sean Hannity Show.

, , , , , , , , , , , , , ,


%d bloggers like this: