Metalheads Mourn As Some Guy From A Reasonably Well-Known Band Dies

grim-reaper-1Some guy, who was in a band that influenced a lot of other bands, passed away at 3 o’clock this morning from a disease that some other band was named after.  In a mass, spontaneous outpouring of sadness, thousands of anguished metalheads today posted R.I.P. on their Facebook pages along with pictures and videos mourning the death of a moderately talented, long-haired stranger.

“I can’t believe what’s-his-name is really dead. This is the saddest day since the other guy died a while back,” said some highly emotive gloom-monger who downloaded most of the band’s material off of Limewire.

“This is a great loss for the world of music.  Metal will never be the same,” said some dude who claims his band once opened for a band who opened for Metallica.

The dead guy’s band, which had recently traveled around the country and played a series of uninspiring concerts in front of people waiting for someone else to play, will try to soldier on without him.  In spite of their sadness about his death they have been somewhat consoled by a 15 percent spike in Youtube traffic, not to mention the exciting marketing opportunities that only the sudden, horrific death of an artist can provide.  Several tribute albums featuring obscure musicians looking to rip the remaining flesh off of his corpse should be available soon as people race to cash in on the public’s fetishization of grief.

Sure, his family will probably miss him and the two or three people who actually liked him and thought of him as more than a connection to the rockstar lifestyle are filled with sorrow.  But, at the end of the day, his death was probably a good thing.  After all, it provided thousands of individuals with the opportunity to share in yet another in a never-ending series of public events meant to distract people from issues that actually affect them.  Plus, many will now be able to participate in the fantasy that by exhibiting sorrow on a Facebook status, they can fool people into thinking that they are creatures still capable of experiencing human emotion.

Of course, it is quite possible that his death is actually just some sick prank to gather attention to websites like this one, which traffic in confusion as some bizarre postmodern form of currency.  Or, it could be part of an elaborate hoax used to allow the artist to escape from the rigors of a life of in the spotlight.  Like Elvis.  Or Kennedy.

One thing is certain, death is a valuable and coveted commodity.  If scientists could find a way to allow humans to die multiple times, it would be a marketing bonanza.  To misquote a great line from Clint Eastwood in The Outlaw Josey Wales, “Dying might be a heck of a way to make a living.”

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  1. #1 by mirkinfirkin on April 9, 2013 - 4:09 PM

    You found him! I’ve been looking all over! Did you see my ad in the Classifieds? Please contact me as soon as possible!

  2. #2 by Andy 0))) on April 9, 2013 - 4:56 PM

    LOL. Well played.

  3. #3 by Universe Number Five on April 9, 2013 - 5:22 PM

    RIP Larry The Hacksaw… Raw Nebraskan Black Metal will never be the same…

    • #4 by Keith Spillett on April 9, 2013 - 5:26 PM


    • #5 by Keith Spillett on April 9, 2013 - 5:26 PM

      Larry “The Stick” Hacksaw you mean?

      • #6 by Universe Number Five on April 9, 2013 - 6:39 PM

        Yes… indeed!

  4. #7 by Luke Newman on April 9, 2013 - 5:56 PM

    A valiant effort, but ultimately falls short. Nihilism/misanthropy might not be your bag. Feels like forced cynicism. Or maybe it’s as simple as it wasn’t very funny.

    • #8 by Keith Spillett on April 9, 2013 - 6:03 PM

      I’m actually hoping that you are correct. Mean doesn’t feel very natural for me and I feel like a few things in here were. I thought it was funny, but I felt as if I was lashing out more than writing. Not a great place to come from, I think. Thanks for the honest feedback!

      • #9 by jhubner73 on April 9, 2013 - 8:47 PM

        I actually thought it was hillarious. Felt like you were making fun of the idiot public and media more so than the fact someone died.

        It’s not mean. It’s lampooning. There’s a difference. Great stuff.

      • #10 by Keith Spillett on April 10, 2013 - 8:28 AM

        Thank you!!! Glad you dug it! The idiot public and media can be wearisome.

      • #11 by Orange (a/k/a David) on April 10, 2013 - 11:28 AM

        It didn’t read as mean, however mean it might have felt to write. I found it dangerous, though. Dangerous to read when attempting to imbibe fluids. Honestly, I tried to read it aloud to the awesome Dana and couldn’t get more than a few sentences between bouts of paralyzing snorting laughter. It felt like I was 5 years old reading about poopy (that word was magical, once).

      • #12 by Keith Spillett on April 10, 2013 - 11:36 AM

        As the parent of a 4 and a 5 year old, I can attest the magical power of that word to cause an onset of wild laughter.

        I’m glad you enjoyed the article!

      • #13 by Luke Newman on April 10, 2013 - 11:46 AM

        Or maybe I just took it personally. I was genuinely…sad? Sad’s not the right word. What word am I looking for? Anyway, as an example, when David Gold of Woods of Ypres passed away, it was a little painful. I felt a little sting. Because he created unique art that will never be created again. I guess that’s the point: I think a lot of times people mourn the death of the art more than the artist. But you can’t tell a song to RIP. Even the bands I don’t enjoy, it still sucks when a band member passes away, because I know somewhere someone who does like them is bummed out. I suppose I probably buy into the “metal community” thing. We have to stick together! (Even though there are literally millions of us and the stigma is pretty much gone) =)

      • #14 by Keith Spillett on April 10, 2013 - 11:57 AM

        It’s a fair argument and something that hit me after I had written and published it. I feel like it came across dismissive of the idea that people can make a genuine emotional connection to art. I believe that an authentic connection like that is completely possible. The article was more written with an eye to the reduction of this sort of experience a formula. Basically, I had seen one too many “RIP Dio” posts for one lifetime. Some of them are probably authentic, but I was nowhere near being able to see that when I was writing this.

        Anyway, the piece cast a wider net than I intended and I am genuinely sorry to have been dismissive of your experience. I value “our” community and appreciate that thinking, feeling people like yourself are a part of it. Thanks for helping me clarify my own thoughts on this.

  5. #15 by Mrs. pibb on April 9, 2013 - 9:26 PM

    I know you are just sad about Annette Funciello. Mouseketeers forever!

  6. #17 by Damocles74 on April 10, 2013 - 8:22 AM

    ” After all, it provided thousands of individuals with the opportunity to share in yet another in a never-ending series of public events meant to distract people from issues that actually affect them.”

    ……..all of professional sports^

  7. #18 by Latruz banduz on April 10, 2013 - 9:20 AM

    Rest in pease Gorgorith Manslaughter Gorefield.
    You was the best multi-instrumental one man blackened death metal vocalist/guitarist/drummer/bassplayer/ windmiller that have ever recorded a demo and lived in my basement.

    • #19 by Keith Spillett on April 10, 2013 - 10:46 AM

      RIP Gorgorith Manslaughter Gorefield, you will never be forgotten.

  8. #20 by sunshinefromshadows on April 10, 2013 - 10:40 AM

    I thought it was a hilarious commentary on our obsession with celebrity and needing to feel in the midst of the latest news, even if it is an untimely passing. You are pleasantly deranged. Have you ever heard the quote “sarcasm is not wit but the mere babbling of a diseased mind?” I’m just saying….I’m one for quotes.

    • #21 by Keith Spillett on April 10, 2013 - 10:48 AM

      “Pleasantly deranged”. I like that!!!!

      • #22 by sunshinefromshadows on April 24, 2013 - 1:59 AM

        I try. I am pathologically deranged. I just wrote a blog post about wanting to traumatized my unborn children for personal gain. So since I have your attention, you may know the answer to this: when did Suicidal Tendencies get popular again? (I used to listen to them, wore their t-shirt until it had holes and my mom threw it away and I didn’t speak to her for weeks so don’t you dare tell me they weren’t awesome). I saw a kid (read: person younger than me) wearing a BRAND NEW hat yesterday and one in a t-shirt last week and neither looked like they were trying to be ironic.

      • #23 by Keith Spillett on April 24, 2013 - 3:30 AM

        I’m not sure. I am a high school teacher in my non-writing life and had a student ask me about them the other day. It made me happy for a minute, until I started thinking that this was the equivalent of the younger me asking some old person about Bill Haley and The Comets. When I was in high school, myself and a few friends had a vague notion that we were going to perform “Institutionalized” at some open mic night. It never happened. It seems like yesterday, but it isn’t. It was a long damn time ago.

        I think they are slightly popular, but only for their first few albums. They put an album out recently that I’m not sure has been listened to by anyone except for some die-hard ST fan living somewhere in Missoula, Montana. Their bassist is in Metallica now, which may account for the bump in name recognition.

        I was just writing about the unborn yesterday. What a coincidence. Maybe it’s the weather.

      • #24 by sunshinefromshadows on April 24, 2013 - 10:06 AM

        I’m sorry. I stopped reading after “I am a high school teacher… ”
        I’m busy online buying manuals to homeschool my niece and nephews.

      • #25 by Keith Spillett on April 24, 2013 - 12:03 PM

        Coincidentally, I stopped reading at the mention of “homeschool”. My brain cannot handle these sorts of contradictions. You should see what happened to me last week when I read about an organization called “Progress Kentucky”.

      • #26 by sunshinefromshadows on April 24, 2013 - 2:14 PM

        Progress is in the eye of the beholder. To some ridding the world of diversity and free thought is progress. You are really judgmental.
        So you’re saying high school children of Kentucky are safe from your influence….

      • #27 by Keith Spillett on April 24, 2013 - 4:25 PM

        The children of Kentucky are quite free to be you and me, but luckily have avoided my bizarre ideas and awkward presentation. The children of Georgia, however, have no such luck.

        I am highly judgmental and almost always correct. About everything. Including when I’m wrong. Kentucky is a poor man’s excuse for cornflakes. Salaam!

      • #28 by sunshinefromshadows on April 27, 2013 - 4:37 PM

        Just saw a woman and I was reminded of another glaring oxymoron: skinny jeans.

      • #29 by sunshinefromshadows on April 27, 2013 - 4:41 PM

        Ok. The term was not an oxymoron. I just realized that. You would have had to have seen her to understand. Never mind. I was just still shaken. The ground shook under her footsteps, i was thrown into a pole and have a concussion. Just trust me, she was a walking contradiction of the concept.

      • #30 by Keith Spillett on April 27, 2013 - 5:57 PM

        An interesting look for sure. I, for one, have never fully endorsed the skinny jeans concept. They look awful on almost everyone, including skinny people.

        Speaking of Kentucky…you know what’s five miles long and has 8 teeth?

        The line for funnel cake at the Kentucky State Fair

        I’ll be here all week….try the veal.

      • #31 by sunshinefromshadows on April 27, 2013 - 7:25 PM

        Oh dear. I think you’re running out of material. I’m a fan of veal, or pretty much any delicious dead animal baby.
        What I’m not a fan of: making light of dental hygiene. You’re talking to someone who is 32 years cavity-free. Shame on you. And from an educator of youth.

  9. #32 by Me on April 13, 2013 - 10:33 PM

    Hey man, I have been a huge fan for 10 years. It is a great loss, actually. Deftones music is special to me as it is for tons and tons of other people. Im not saying they’re this ultra special band and that music will never be the same without chi, but, Deftones is one of those bands that I’m really attached to.
    It’s sad for his fans and especially for his family. Man, I wish he would have pulled through. He fought hard for almost 5 years, so now that he’s really gone it’s hard to grasp, I think everyone really really though he was going to pull through.To see Chi play music again and see the tones finish the album they were working on before Chis accident would have been spectacular. Rip brotha. Def love.

  10. #33 by Necrobadger on April 15, 2013 - 1:37 AM

    Speaking As an undead woodland creature,I thought this was awesome. Loved how it lampooned the shizel out of the way peps interact and pretend to mourn a person whom they don’t know on facebook. At the moment some crazy is talking to me on the tram while I type singing “do you live my sandels,do you think I’m sexy”,parody of Rod Stewart. WIN!!!!

  11. #34 by sunshinefromshadows on April 24, 2013 - 1:45 AM


    • #35 by Keith Spillett on April 24, 2013 - 12:04 PM


      • #36 by sunshinefromshadows on April 24, 2013 - 2:08 PM

        Never. That wasn’t an error. My dog typed that. He was complimenting me on how good I look today.

      • #37 by Keith Spillett on April 24, 2013 - 4:27 PM

        This is why I don’t own pets. They should speak when spoken to.

      • #38 by sunshinefromshadows on April 24, 2013 - 2:09 PM

        He forgot the n but he’s a dog so cut him some slack.

      • #39 by Keith Spillett on April 24, 2013 - 4:26 PM

        Your dog has thumbs.

  12. #40 by Anthony Portaro on June 6, 2014 - 5:09 PM

    Very entertaining. And the comments on the facebook page as well. I must read more of your material.

    • #41 by Keith Spillett on June 6, 2014 - 5:42 PM

      I’d be honored! If you ever get bored, there is like 4 years worth of nonsense on here. Thanks for checking it out!

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