Posts Tagged death hoaxes

Is Metallica Drummer Lars Ulrich Dead?

One Of Those Pictures They Show When Someone Dies To Make The Public Reflect Fondly On Their Memories Of The Dead Person

One Of Those Candid Looking Close-Up Pictures They Show When Someone Dies To Make The Public Reflect Fondly On Their Memories Of The Dead Person

Unconfirmed rumors of the death of Lars Ulrich were nowhere to be found on the Internet this morning only moments before this article was published. No credible source with knowledge of Ulrich’s current whereabouts has commented on the matter or even been asked about his passing. This won’t stop many members of the mindless, bloodthirsty mob known affectionately as “the public” from believing that Lars has died.

In spite of the fact that no one has asked the band, many believe that Lars is dead due to the fact that some dude sitting in his living room typed out a bunch of words, attached some pictures and hit the publish button. The torrent of silence on this non-issue has left many to speculate that there might be some sort of cover up.

“Where there is smoke, there is often fire. Or, at least, smoke,” said Metallica fan and frequent Facebook opinion giver Steve Weremembercliff.

Several doctors who have never examined Ulrich weighed in on the controversy including Dr. Eric Liposuct, a well-known expert on esophagus transplants. He speculated, “Ulrich, like most people, has a terminal condition. It’s known as being alive. He has somewhere between 1 day and 50 years left on this earth.”

A Stock Photo Of People Crying Meant To Help Con The Public Into Buying Into This Stupid Lie

A Stock Photo Of People Crying Meant To Help Con The Public Into Buying Into This Stupid Lie

Fans of the band, hoping desperately to be the first to inform everyone of his death, will plunge headlong into a frenzy of article sharing without reading its contents. In some cases, they may read the article and repost it hoping for that amazing feeling of superiority one gets when realizing that there are many people in the world dumber and more gullible than they are. The author of the article also plans to revel in this cheap, but highly stimulating thrill.

At first, some will be saddened by his mock death. This will be followed by a flood of indignation from a public who loves both the feeling of false community experienced when they can passively observe the suffering of strangers from a safe distance with others and the feeling of righteous anger that typically follows being suckered for the 8 millionth time by some degenerate hustler trying to milk out a few more “unique visitors”.

By late in the afternoon, the whole thing will be forgotten as the mindless drudgery of everyday life reasserts itself. This will be followed by another manufactured controversy in which people everywhere experience a set of emotions that were once reserved for actual human interactions. On and On South of Heaven…

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Metalheads Mourn As Some Guy From A Reasonably Well-Known Band Dies

grim-reaper-1Some guy, who was in a band that influenced a lot of other bands, passed away at 3 o’clock this morning from a disease that some other band was named after.  In a mass, spontaneous outpouring of sadness, thousands of anguished metalheads today posted R.I.P. on their Facebook pages along with pictures and videos mourning the death of a moderately talented, long-haired stranger.

“I can’t believe what’s-his-name is really dead. This is the saddest day since the other guy died a while back,” said some highly emotive gloom-monger who downloaded most of the band’s material off of Limewire.

“This is a great loss for the world of music.  Metal will never be the same,” said some dude who claims his band once opened for a band who opened for Metallica.

The dead guy’s band, which had recently traveled around the country and played a series of uninspiring concerts in front of people waiting for someone else to play, will try to soldier on without him.  In spite of their sadness about his death they have been somewhat consoled by a 15 percent spike in Youtube traffic, not to mention the exciting marketing opportunities that only the sudden, horrific death of an artist can provide.  Several tribute albums featuring obscure musicians looking to rip the remaining flesh off of his corpse should be available soon as people race to cash in on the public’s fetishization of grief.

Sure, his family will probably miss him and the two or three people who actually liked him and thought of him as more than a connection to the rockstar lifestyle are filled with sorrow.  But, at the end of the day, his death was probably a good thing.  After all, it provided thousands of individuals with the opportunity to share in yet another in a never-ending series of public events meant to distract people from issues that actually affect them.  Plus, many will now be able to participate in the fantasy that by exhibiting sorrow on a Facebook status, they can fool people into thinking that they are creatures still capable of experiencing human emotion.

Of course, it is quite possible that his death is actually just some sick prank to gather attention to websites like this one, which traffic in confusion as some bizarre postmodern form of currency.  Or, it could be part of an elaborate hoax used to allow the artist to escape from the rigors of a life of in the spotlight.  Like Elvis.  Or Kennedy.

One thing is certain, death is a valuable and coveted commodity.  If scientists could find a way to allow humans to die multiple times, it would be a marketing bonanza.  To misquote a great line from Clint Eastwood in The Outlaw Josey Wales, “Dying might be a heck of a way to make a living.”

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