In a stunning announcement, several top CIA officials today verified Monday’s New York Times story that claimed that former Bon Jovi singer Jon Bon Jovi was a spy for the KGB from 1983 until 2012. The Soviet Union, as well as the famous heavy metal singer, have denied these charges but several highly placed sources within The Agency have confirmed that Bon Jovi used several of his albums to leak highly classified documents to “The Evil Empire”.
The most shocking charge was that Bon Jovi aided the Soviets in a failed 1986 plot to kidnap former President Ronald Reagan. According to a source within the agency, the song “Wanted Dead or Alive” was actually written in a code that was meant to give secret information as to the whereabouts of Reagan during his trip to Berlin in July of that year.
The verse “I’m a cowboy, on a steel horse I ride”, is actually meant to indicate that Reagan (who the Soviets codenamed “The Cowboy”) would be aboard Air Force One (the “steel horse”). Later in the song, Bon Jovi states “I’ve seen a million faces and I’ve rocked them all”. The letters to this incredibly asinine lyric actually correlate with a 1980s era KGB code that gave the time and date that Reagan would be flying over Spain. At that point, the Soviets were planning to intercept the aircraft using several skydivers who would plummet from a secret Russian space platform, land on top of the plane, board it at gunpoint and hold Reagan hostage until he agreed to give the Soviets control of the entire United States nuclear stockpile. The Soviets eventually cancelled this plan fearing it was too risky.
Bon Jovi’s spy activities did not stop after the Soviet Union’s fake collapse in the late 1980s and early 90s. He helped plant information in the media that helped convince most Americans that the Berlin Wall had fallen and that the Russians had abandoned communism.
It was on his secret visit to Russia in 1997 for a “concert” that he met another Soviet spy equally committed to the fall of the United States. This agent would eventually become one of the most powerful figures in America. His name is Barack Hussein Obama.
While Obama, a former member of the American terrorist group known as the Weather Underground, urged the Soviets to use violence in order to overthrow the government of The Greatest Nation on Earth, it was Bon Jovi who proposed a much more gradual approach. He felt that the America could be slowly destroyed from the inside by electing communist agents into positions of power. These officials, after gaining the trust of the American people, would introduce legislation designed to turn the United States into a communist dictatorship. The cornerstone of this plot was to introduce a sinister program later to be known simply as Obamacare.
Bon Jovi finally dissolved his connection to the KGB in 2012 when he caught the original version of the movie “Red Dawn” on television late one fateful night. He was so deeply moved by the courage of the brave young “Wolverines” who defeated the Russian Army that he decided it was time to come clean. He immediately revealed his crimes and, in exchange for playing a series of fundraisers for the Democratic Party during the 2012 election, was secretly pardoned by his former comrade, President Barack Hussein Obama.
The Tyranny of Tradition 
#1 by Fried Chicken And Metal on December 10, 2013 - 3:21 PM
Bon Jovi Ist (Dave) Krieg!!!
#2 by Mirkin Firkin on December 10, 2013 - 4:13 PM
Here’s a little known fact about Barack Hussein Obama: He’s actually a Muslin Muslim first and was only pretending to be a member of the Weather Underground.
Muslin Muslims are originally from Mosul, Iraq, where muslin was woven from before the European Middle Ages and brought to the West by Crusaders.
Muslin Muslim weavers were the éminence grise behind Persian, and later Iraqi politics due to their vast wealth and international connections from their weaving. With the forced introduction of the Kingdom of Iraq in the 1920 under the British Mandate and later iterations after independence in 1932, the Muslin Muslims still prospered even through the Second World War, right up to the 1958 coup d’état which ended the monarchy, ending centuries of power for the Muslin Muslims in Iraq. This forced them to move to Afghanistan, where they were welcomed by the Prime Minister, Mohammed Daoud Khan. When Khan became President of Afghanistan in a bloodless coup backed by the Muslin Muslims, all appeared to be well again. This all ended in 1978, with the Communist takeover of the country and the subsequent Soviet Invasion.
With this, the moderate elements of the Muslin Muslims, who were interested only in power for economic profit, were forced to give way to the extremists, who wanted power for power’s sake. Some of these elements were in close, even intimate contact with al-Qaeda and Osama bin Laden, which turned the Muslin Muslims into a radical and rabid support group for anti-Western terrorism.
After Barack Hussein Obama, whose family had secretly sent him to anti-Western, anti-American terrorist muslin weaving camps in Afghanistan had successfully been “re-integrated” into American society, he pretended to be a communist, so he could successfully become a member of the Weather Underground, secretly headed by Al Gore.
After Gore’s unsuccessful attempt at the American Presidency, Obama was put in place. The rest is history.
#3 by misst2elleh on December 11, 2013 - 2:15 AM
Brilliant. You need to be writing movie scripts. I had open eyes and a dropped jaw till the end of the text. :)))). I would watch all your movies. Brilliant….
#4 by Keith Spillett on December 11, 2013 - 7:07 AM
Thanks! I think this one, in particular, would be a fun movie. It was inspired by The Manchurian Candidate and listening to Slippery When Wet way too much in my youth.
#5 by Mary Lafleur on May 8, 2014 - 1:28 PM
OK is this Jon Bon Jovi article a fact or not? I’m getting very confused reading all of your articles! I really don’t know if any of them are true?