Archive for June, 2012

Gorguts to Guest Star On Thursday Night’s Episode of The Honeymooners

They are Canada’s favorite technical death metal band and now they are set to appear on CBS’ hit television show The Honeymooners.  Gorguts, those wild and crazy Quebecean death metallers who burst on the scene in 1993 with their Top 40 hit “Orphans of Sickness”, will become the first band ever to appear on the show.  Honeymooners star Jackie Gleason is a huge fan of the band who claims to have listened to the album Obscura over 400 times in a row when it was released.  Gleason, who became a fan when Considered Dead was released in 1991, said in a recent interview that no band he knows of “has been able to link the primal, bestial rage in the human soul with such profound, technical craftsmanship.”

The episode titled “Hey, Hey Luc Lemay, How Many Kids Did You Kill Today?” was filmed on Monday afternoon in front of a live studio audience.  The story is thought to be one of the more experimental Honeymooners episodes, although by no means as surreal as the episode where Ralph Kramden and Ed Norton are trapped in the stomach of a moose.

It begins with a knock on the door from a shady, elderly man played by Sir John Gielgud, the elderly British actor known for his stirring performance as the butler in the movie Arthur. Gielgud introduces himself as “Luther” and hands Alice Kramden a box.  He tells her she has three wishes once she opens the box, but should be careful what she wishes for.

After the man leaves, Alice and Ralph tear the box open only to find the paw of a monkey with a bow around it.  Ralph holds up the paw and wishes for enough money to never have to work again.  Suddenly, a box appears on their coffee table.  Ralph opens it and is stunned by piles of hundred dollar bills.  However, he is appalled to realize that in the box is also the severed head of his neighbor Ed Norton (played by the loveable Art Carney).

In spite of the beheading of Ed, they decide they are glad to have gotten the money and decide to make another wish.  This time Alice holds the paw up and wishes that she could get the chance to see Gorguts live for the first time.  Immediately, there is a knock on the door and the band appears.  They run around the house smashing the furniture and throwing food at each other.  Singer Luc Lemay knocks Ralph to the ground and tries to force him to swallow mustard until he chokes.  Meanwhile, guitarist Kevin Hufnagel destroys Ralph’s favorite bowling trophy by attempting to play a solo from “Rottenatomy” using the trophy as a guitar pick.  Finally, Alice has had enough.  She holds up the paw and screams, “I wish Gorguts would go away!!!!!”

With that, the band disappears and the archangel Gabriel appears on top of the dining room table blowing his horn.  Ralph, covered in mustard, launches into a recital of a Willie Loman monologue from Arthur Miller’s “Death of a Salesman” while Alice begins to grow a teeth out of the side of her face.  The episode ends with Ed’s head rolling onto the floor and the entire cast, including the head, launching into an impromptu version of the song “Officer Krupke” from the musical West Side Story.

Gorguts appearance on The Honeymooners is not the first appearance of a metal band on a major television show.  Who could forget the time Anthrax rocked out on Married With Children?  Or the time Immolation played “Into Everlasting Fire” with Ricky Ricardo’s band on I Love Lucy?  Gorguts’ appearance on The Honeymooners is certain to rank as one of the most entertaining and important moments in television history.

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The Truth Revealed

Greetings everyone, my name is Matthew Bailey. I’m a blogger over at Left Hook from Right Field and a close friend of one Keith Spillett. Like you, I spend upwards of 14 hours a day online, reading Tyranny of Tradition. I’ve come to find this wonderful blog as the most influential online news source of this generation, or any. Thanks to Keith’s fantastic writing and knack for those “special” news stories, I have learned about King Diamond’s political career, Rick Santorum’s war on heavy metal and all sorts of fun facts about Cronos. I have come to see the Tyranny of Tradition as not only a source of entertainment, but my best link to my surrounding world and the most fun way to spend time at the office, when I’m pretending to do work.

But friends, I have to tell you something which is so shocking, so heinous that I may very well be risking my life by doing so…Keith Spillett is a liar! That’s right, it turns out, these so called “news articles” are nothing more than satire. My neighbor, John Fredricksten, told me that Bert Reynolds once said, “Satire is the lowest form of literature, worse than readers digest.” I have to concur here. Any idiot could write satire, hell Thomas Paine wrote satire and he lived in France for a stretch! No, my friends, Keith Spillett isn’t the genius you all thought him to be, he’s really nothing more than a poor man’s Mark Twain, a purveyor of exactly the kind of low brow literature that led to the demise of that great America we all loved in the 1870s.

I first began to become suspicious of Keith when he claimed he interviewed Dave Mustaine at North Dekalb Mall, a popular shopping destination, located outside of Atlanta, Georgia. You see, first of all, Dave Mustaine played a concert that night in Santa Fe and I seriously doubt that he would have had the time to do an interview, fight his way through Atlanta traffic, catch a flight and have the time to make the stage in time to deliver classic thrash metal songs in which he speaks during the verse and sings the chorus. And another thing! Keith specifically said in this blog that he was drinking an Orange Julius, a seemingly innocent fact, but in reality a telling truth. You see, once in 2006, I asked Keith if he liked Orange Juliuses, to which he replied, “they’re ok I guess.” Aha! This little slip got me suspicious, but oh, there’s more.

On January 9th of this year, Keith wrote a blog entitled, “Dickey Eaten by Mountain Lions, Mets Sign Christian Knuckleballer Tebow” Being an ardent sports fan, I found the blog informative and intriguing. In a pure stroke of genius, Mets GM Sandy Alderson somehow pushed aside the grief of losing one of his most reliable starting pitchers in a terrible accident, and signed one of the most popular and pure athletes of our time. Even though I’m a fan of the Atlanta Braves, I couldn’t wait for the approximate 645 annual Braves /Mets games, so that I could watch endless hours of Tebow coverage in my own hometown! I went to subway to celebrate by purchasing a footlong tuna sub for only $5, when I asked my wonderful sandwich maker, Doug, his opinion on the news. I couldn’t believe what he said…

“Tebow, on the Mets? Are you stupid? Tebow isn’t going to be pitching for the Mets. You see, my sister, Elizabeth, who we all call Beth for short, is a fortune teller or witch or something and she told me that Tebow would be traded to the Jets and for some odd reason, the media will actually care.” I generally shy away from confrontation, so I fought the tears as I quietly paid for my sandwich and fled the store to go somewhere and think. After eating my sub, I was still at a crossroads. What did this all mean? Why would Keith lie? What did he have to gain? After many hours of quiet meditation, I decided to just laugh off poor Doug and his delusional sister, I mean honestly, I knew his story was wrong, because why would the people of New York, who made two AFC Championships in the last three years care to trade for or give any media attention to Tim Tebow and potentially sabotage their young quaterback…it just didn’t add up.

But then it happened. Beth’s apocalyptic fantasy came to life. The media did care and poor Tim Tebow was subjected to unnecessary scrutiny and was even booed at a Yankees game. I felt my grip on reality slipping. I knew Keith had lied to me, but I didn’t know how. Then, late one night I read a book in which the word sarcasm was used. Being the recipient of a Georgia public education, I didn’t know what the word meant, so I looked it up. Not in a dictionary, but instead in a thesaurus, as the dictionary was upstairs and I didn’t feel like walking that far. That’s the first time I saw the word satire. From there, I delved into a world of liars, thieves and moral midgets. I subjected myself to things which most well-meaning people could only dream of. I read books by Aristophanes, watched Dr. Strangelove and in an act so masochistic that I have still yet to recover, listened to “Bad Hair Day” by Weird Al Yankovic. It turns out, there’s a whole subculture of sub-human creatures which not only participate in this vile form, but thrive in it. Apparently for all of written history, satir-philes have plagued our good earth with their filth.

But, how to confront Keith? I mean, I am the Godfather of his daughter and one of his closest friends. I couldn’t face him and risk a fight, not to mention risk becoming infected with Satircitis, myself. I had to think of a way to trick this disgusting man. So, I sent him a facebook message and asked if I could write a post on his blog about Andre the Giant coming back from the dead to star in a Bull Durham sequel. Of course, being so blinded by his satircism, he agreed. Instead I posted this.

It’s all a big nothing people. Keith hasn’t been delivering us up to the date news on our favorite irrelevant metal heroes. He’s been lying all along! He tricks you into spending upwards of four minutes, up to three times a week reading his deceitful literature, all so that he can click “like” on your facebook comments, complimenting his work. So, be free people! Read outstanding blogs by Anderson Cooper or Tony Kornheiser, because this Tyranny of Tradition is exposed. Free at last, free at last, thank God Almighty, I’m free at last.

Matt’s blog “Left Hook From Right Field” is easily one of the best places in the filth-ridden sewer that is the internet.  Check it!

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Furniture Store of Human Suffering

(A heavy set man named Oliver stands alone in the center of a nearly endless, empty but brightly lit furniture store.  He is greeted by a thin, cheerful man with a name badge that reads “Stan”)

 

Stan:  Can I help you with something, Sir?

 

Oliver:  Well, I’m in the process of moving from an apartment into a house.  I have more room and am in need of some new furniture to fill the place out. 

 

Stan:  Great, well you’ve come to the right place.  What are you looking for first?

 

Oliver:  Well, I’ll need a new couch. 

 

Stan:  Right this way.

 

(Stan leads down a row of dining room tables into a bank of couches) 

 

Stan:  Are you looking for a sectional, maybe a divan….

 

Oliver:  (pointing at a large, rather non-descript red couch)  That one…over there.  I like that.

 

Stan:  Ah yes!  Our 20th Century Persian Sectional.  Very popular item.

 

Oliver:  I don’t mean to be rude, but I’d like to cut right to the chase.  I have a budget I’m working with.  I’ve seen this couch before at another store but it was too expensive.  If you offer me a good deal on it, I’m pretty much sold.  What’s it cost?

 

Stan:  No problem at all.  I like working with someone who wants to get right down to business.  (pulling a tag from behind the couch)  This couch right here will cost you the first twelve nights you spent alone after your wife and children left you and the funeral of your Aunt Sally. 

 

Oliver:  Wow.  That’s a bit steep for a couch.  The IKEA up the street only wanted the week my father was in a coma after the construction accident and the time my dog froze to death on the back porch when I was six.

 

Stan:  Hmmm…..Okay, look, you’ve got me over a bit of a barrel here.  I’ll be frank with you, I need to move some merchandise pretty quickly.  Got a new shipment coming in, plus my boss needs to see some numbers.  You seem like a nice fellow, how about I ask you for the time your parents locked you in a closet for five hours because you got caught smoking and the time you were eight and your uncle punched you in the face because he thought you had hidden the remote control?

Oliver:  Not bad.  Will you throw in the ottoman?

 

Stan:  Done.

 

Oliver:  We have a deal.  Now, let’s see about a bed for the guest room.

 

Stan:  (hurriedly moving to the bed section) Right this way.

 

Oliver:  Looking for a queen-sized mattress and an upscale looking frame.  Oak maybe.  What’s that set over there run?

 

Stan:  Well, that one will set you back the week after you were first diagnosed with diabetes, the time you got fired from your high school job at Target because you fell asleep in the stock room and the death of your good friend Ralph.

 

Oliver:  That’s just too much.  This is going in the guest room.  Do you have anything a bit more reasonable?

 

Stan:  Well, this set in the corner will only run you the time you got cut from the JV basketball team and the car accident where you caused that man to be in intensive care for five weeks.  And it’s quite sturdy.

 

Oliver:  Sold.  Now, all I’m really in need of are some end tables for the living room and a recliner and I’ve got everything I need.

 

Stan:  Well, I’ve got a recliner over here that I think you are going to love.  Check out this little number.

 

Oliver:  (sitting down in a huge leather chair and leaning back)  Oh yeah!  Stan, may I call you that….

 

Stan:  Certainly.

 

Oliver:  Stan, this is like heaven on earth.  I haven’t been this comfortable in a long time.  This would be perfect for the living room.

 

Stan:  Well, you sure picked the right day to visit us!  That’s a closeout special.  Do you like the style of table next to it?

 

Oliver:  Very much.

 

Stan:  Here’s what I’m going to do.  I’ll get you the recliner and two end tables just like that one as a package.  All you need to give me are the ten or so experiences of sexual inadequacy with women you’ve accumulated in the last three years and it’s yours.  What do you say?

 

Oliver:  Well, it’s a great chair…..

 

Stan:  Imagine putting your feet up on a Sunday and watching the game in that chair.  Think of how comfortable you’ll be.  Think of how much joy this will bring you.  Think of all the pain and suffering this will substitute for.  You don’t need anything in this world but a comfortable chair and a place to put your feet up.  Call me old fashioned, but I believe that.

 

Oliver:  Stan, you’ve got yourself a deal.  When can it be delivered?

 

Stan:  Well, delivery will cost the week that in elementary school that everyone decided to ignore you because someone caught you picking your nose.  I could have it in your home by Friday.  Just write down your address and I’ll have the fellas bring it on by.

 

Oliver:  Sounds like a plan.  It’s been a pleasure doing business with you.

 

Stan:  Likewise, Oliver.  Likewise. 

(The two men shake hands)

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Parents Believe Listening To Vader Caused 9-Year-Old To Grow Hooves

Charlie Narveson's Hands

Charlie Narveson’s Hands

Martha and Aaron Narveson have done their best to raise their 9-year-old Charlie the right way.  He attends a good school, has eaten a healthy diet for the better part of his life and is an altar boy at one of the top rated churches in the country.  They have followed all of the habits and rituals that should have resulted in a creating a well-adjusted, perfect 9-year-old.  However, they were astonished last year when Charlie awoke with a severe case of equamanusitis, a rare condition where a person spontaneously grows hooves.

At first, they believed that environmental factors had led to their son’s horse-like transformation.  They had a complete diagnostic workup done on the water in their home.  They checked their basement for radon.  They had Charlie checked for an additional thyroid gland.  They even had a local priest perform an exorcism on Charlie and Irma, the family’s Yorkshire terrier.  After all of the obvious possibilities had been exhausted, they began to realize the problem was right under their nose.

They had bought Charlie a copy of Vader’s 2006 record “Impressions in Blood” for his 8th birthday, mistakenly believing the album was music to one of the Star Wars films.  Charlie immediately fell in love with the album, particularly the song “Field of Heads”, which he listened to everyday before going off to school.  Once the parents started thinking about the album, all the pieces fell into place.  “Charlie started listening to Vader, then he grew hooves.  Cause and effect.  It’s obvious what happened to him.  We should have known it was the problem all along,” said Martha in an exclusive interview with Tyranny of Tradition.

The parents immediately stopped Charlie from listening to Vader and rushed him to Dr. Clint Murphy, an expert in the field of Vader related illnesses.  According to Dr. Murphy, Vader’s crushing rhythms and punishing vocals penetrated the inner walls of Charlie’s cerebellum and caused his body to have a strange and rare reaction.

As odd as this condition seems to be, Dr. Murphy treats over 100 patients a year who have had physical problems caused by exposure to Vader albums.   He’s seen Vader listeners have problems that run the gamut from minor respiratory issues to a woman from Muncie, Indiana who suddenly began growing scallions out of her back.

Charlie has stayed clear of Vader for three months, but his hooves are still with him.  He no longer has the urge to whinny at passing cars or eat carrots out of his parents’ hands, but he certainly has a long way to go.  According to Dr. Murphy, if he can stay Vader-free for the next year or so, he might return to his old self.  If not, the parents are planning on entering him into the Belmont Stakes in 2015.

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