In an event that has raised international tensions between hipsters and metalheads, a crew of bearded, shaggy hipsters attempted to set hijack the 70,000 tons of metal tour boat yesterday. They were beaten severely by many of the passengers and apprehended by police at the end of the cruise. The Hipster Terrorists demanded an immediate end to “songs with cookie monster vocals” and “more songs that talk about what it’s like to feel left out.” After about 20 minutes of this, enraged metalheads, led by Tankard vocalist Andreas Geremia, stormed the terrorists, taking their weapons and curb stomping four of them.
Hipster Terrorist leader Sheik Jasper Thelonius Monk claimed, through a mouth full of broken teeth, that this was the beginning of a series of “ironic terrorist attacks”. The attack, meant to be homage to the Achille Lauro hijacking in the 1980s, failed almost immediately when the metalheads realized that the hipsters were scrawny and weak. “Between the 15 of them, they had to weigh one member of Crowbar,” said Annihilator guitarist Jeff Waters, who beat several hipsters bloody with his Epiphone Annihilation-V Flying V guitar.
The Hipsters had planned to hold the ship hostage until the cruise directors agreed to allow Cobra Starship to play a 12-hour concert on the main deck. They also demanded the ship be taken to “some country where the art of Banksy and Spin Magazine are taken more seriously.” They implored their hostages to stop being sucked into the madness of consumer capitalism and shop at Urban Outfitters. The terrorists, who all had high powered AK-47 assault rifles and copies of recent books by Chuck Klosterman, were taken without a shot being fired.
Hipster terrorism is on the rise in America over the last few months. Other, less notable attacks, included holding MTV executives hostage until they played an hour straight of Vampire Weekend videos and forcing Venom to play an entire concert with out of tune instruments. However, CIA officials are not concerned. Veteran CIA agent John Nash stated in a recent interview that the “hipster terrorist phenomena will not last long. Once they realize other people are doing it, they’ll stop immediately and start hating terrorism. They’re not all that hard to figure out.”
Still, this attack could cause a major problem between rival hipster and metalhead factions. Metal Secretary of Defense and Manowar bassist Joey DeMaio believes that there is war on the horizon and that The Army of True Metal will be victorious. “If you want to know what the future looks like,” said DeMaio in a press conference this morning, “imagine a boot stepping on a hipsters face over and over again while me and the boys play “The Gods Made Heavy Metal”.
#1 by Universe Number Five on February 2, 2012 - 10:05 AM
“Between the 15 of them, they had to weigh one member of Crowbar,”
The best line in the history of blogging, or the best line in the history of the entire universe???
#2 by Keith Spillett on February 3, 2012 - 8:51 AM
#3 by EarlofPortland on February 2, 2012 - 2:36 PM
Venom has played whole albums with out of tune instruments!
#4 by Universe Number Five on February 2, 2012 - 3:53 PM
Earl speaks truth 🙂
#5 by Keith Spillett on February 3, 2012 - 7:58 AM
Free Earl! (The most hipster thing I could think of in the moment)
#6 by Keith Spillett on February 3, 2012 - 7:59 AM
The hipsters are probably the reason Cronos does that “Greeeeech Naaaaaach” thing at the end of the song Black Metal. Those “people” have no shame.
#7 by headovmetal on February 3, 2012 - 7:52 AM
This made my day!
#8 by Keith Spillett on February 3, 2012 - 8:00 AM
Thank you for your kind words! You just made mine!
#9 by Gumby Metaller on February 3, 2012 - 1:15 PM
Funny. Funnier still are the numpty “metal heads” on Facebook who actually thought this was serious!
#10 by Keith Spillett on February 4, 2012 - 8:24 AM
For every article like this I write I can almost guarantee that I’ll get at least 10 people who believe it really happened and at least 10 people who say “It’s like, y’know, The Onion” (clearly the only source of satire in the history of Western Civilization). But, you can’t fool someone who doesn’t want to be fooled, so who is to say what people really believe.
#11 by Magpie Siân Hughes on February 10, 2012 - 7:25 PM
I think you’re forgetting about the numpty hipsters to boot.
Conclusion: People are still as gullible as ever.
#12 by Jeff Blanks on February 10, 2012 - 7:50 PM
Chuck Klosterman?? Gosh, I wonder if any of those books were copies of Fargo Rock City? 😉
#13 by Andrew on February 10, 2012 - 11:26 PM
Jeff Waters doesn’t sing for Annihilator anymore. Other than that, one of the funniest articles I’ve read in a long time.
#14 by Ben on February 13, 2012 - 2:29 PM
This story is actually much more compelling that most “real” news stories. I can’t remember the last time I heard a real event summed up as well as this: “The attack…failed almost immediately when the metalheads realized that the hipsters were scrawny and weak.”
#15 by Henry Teaberry on February 18, 2012 - 6:46 PM
This is great. Clearly, hipsters are, in fact, terrorists. Can’t wait for the trend to pass over. Not to self-promote, but my only post so far on WordPress is about hipsters. It is not nearly as funny as this one. Glad to see someone else shares some similar attitudes towards the rotten scalawags!
#16 by Keith Spillett on February 18, 2012 - 6:53 PM
Thank you, Sir! And a fine use of the word “scalawag” as well. My complements!
#17 by slopastefan on March 20, 2012 - 10:15 AM
wonder what george corpsegrinder can say about hipsters kidnappin’ their stage set 😛
#18 by Keith Spillett on March 20, 2012 - 12:41 PM
Thanks! Corpsegrinder wouldn’t stand for such foolishness.
#19 by Dani Polaris on February 5, 2014 - 12:03 AM
Great one! Made my day 🙂