Archive for category Health Tips for An Early Death
Portly. Chubby. Rotund. Plump. Tubby. Or just plain fat. Overkill frontman has been called it all. He used to be ashamed of his girth. Now, he’s not hiding it, he’s flaunting it.
As a heavy metal singer for the heavy metal band Overkill, Bobby “The Blitz” Ellsworth is a major success. However, as a plus-sized model, Bobby is a superstar. In the last 9 months, he’s appeared on the cover of Elle, Vanity Fair, Glamour and The Omaha Steaks Catalog. He has overcome his fat-shaming critics and turned from a caterpillar into a swan.
Things weren’t always easy for Bobby. “I remember we were playing at a show back in 2001 and some guy in the front row was holding up a sign that said “Who Tends The Fries”. Who Tends The Fries!!! Man, I put my heart and soul into writing the song “Who Tends The Fire” and this idiot turned it into another cheap fat joke. I felt like giving up.”
But, The Blitz didn’t give up. Instead he resolved to become a role model for the 99.9999 percent of Americans who consider themselves to be overweight. In spite of the fact that according to the BMI index at 6 foot 3 160 pounds he is considered “morbidly obese” and only ten pounds away from “being so fat that his legs might collapse under him at any minute”, Bobby decided that he wasn’t going to live in fear anymore.
“Look, I’m not a size 0 or a -2. I’m big and I’m beautiful. And I’m not afraid to show it.”
Bobby is committed to raising awareness. By raising awareness, he hopes to raise awareness in order to raise awareness. As many Americans are aware thanks to the thousands of campaigns to raise awareness, the best way to raise awareness is by raising awareness.
“Body image is such a big deal nowadays. Fat young pimply-faced metalheads are afraid to wear fashionable clothing and instead hide themselves in 4XL Skeletonwitch shirts. That’s why plus-sized models like myself and Kate Moss are trying to raise awareness.”
“Raising awareness is an important way to raise awareness. Once awareness is raised, we won’t have to raise awareness anymore. Then, we can raise awareness about something else. Eventually, we will be aware of everything. The key is to raise awareness.”
As Americans come to terms with their current bout with media induced Ebola Fever, one parent is taking a stand against what she believes to be the culprit in the spread of this dreaded disease…the heavy metal band Van Halen. Eleanor Iselin, a concerned mother of two from Nacogdoches, Texas, has taken to the Internet and started a campaign to ban Van Halen’s music from radio stations in order to “save the lives of millions people who have been born and are not born or will never be born.”
Last week, Iselin was sitting in her living room listening to a news update when word of the virus hitting the United States came across the airwaves. Moments later, the very same station played “Drop Dead Legs” by Van Halen. The connection was obvious. God had spoken to her and her mission was clear.
According to Iselin, a three-pack-a-day cigarette smoker who was recently diagnosed with emphysema, the connection between Van Halen and Ebola should be clear “even to the sheeple dumb enough to vaccinate their children for mumps”.
After minutes of research, Iselin was able to determine that the first known outbreak of Ebola took place not in Africa, as many people have claimed, but in Panama in the year 1984. She went on to speculate that the album has been extremely popular in places where the virus has hit the hardest.
“What do Texas, Sarah Leon and Libraria have in common? They have thousands of Van Halen fans! Duh!”
A well-placed source in the Van Halen camp confirmed to her that David Lee Roth left the band when he discovered that Ebolized copies of the early Van Halen albums were being distributed. Sammy Hagar, who several websites have speculated created botulism in 1973, was brought in to replace Roth in the hopes of causing agony and suffering for millions of Van Halen fans.
During the years Sammy Hagar was in the band, the virus spread to thousands of new victims, further corroborating Iselin’s argument. Roth was forced to return to the band, in spite of his moral objections, when he lost millions of dollars investing in risky business ventures like the Beefsteak Charlie restaurant chain and The Zubaz Pants Corporation.
Iselin is no stranger to health concerns. Her malnourished children have both recently developed goiters due to iodine deficiencies and rickets from a lack of Vitamin D while her husband Dan was recently was hospitalized after overdosing on hydrocodone prescribed to him in order to deal with the pain associated with his eleventh quadruple bypass surgery.
Yet in spite of the terrible maladies she and her family have suffered through, Eleanor Iselin has soldiered on in her crusade to eradicate what she believes to be the biggest public health threat to Americans today.
One day in the not-so-distant future, with the help of brave people like her, Van Halen Ebola may be a thing of the past.
Greetings fellow metal heads! This is Richard Simmons, and I’ll tell you what, a lot of guys across this hibernation nation are writing me to find out where they can buy XXXXL leather pants and bullet belts before the summer concert season hits like a ton of bricks.
You don’t need a new wardrobe, you just need to get metal thrashin’ mad at that out of shape bod, and get your old anorexic, bean pole shape back. “How the #$%^# am I going to do that?” you ask? Well, I’m sure you’ve seen the advertisements for my famous “Sweating To The Oldies” workout programs that have helped a lot of people get back into the best shape of their lives, right? Well, I’m happy to say that with the help of Full Metal Racket Productions, I’ve got just the thing to get you back to your twiggy old self again. Sweating To Death!
I hear you growl, “Sweating to Death? You mean “Death”, as in THE best death metal band in history?” That’s right. DEATH! Sweating To Death is going to revolutionize your self image and get you back into the shape of a fence post. Many people don’t realize that I just love death metal to death. When I was a rebellious teen, my Uncle Garth bought me death metal cassettes from all over the world and I was hooked like a heavy metal Mr. Limpet. I discovered that heavy metal was the key to getting into shape and getting the respect I deserved in the mosh pit.
Sweating To Death has been such a success that Bulimic Corpse Magazine calls it, “A masterpiece of metal and fat melting moves. Six horns up!” This program was even instrumental in getting Rammstein back into shape after their bratwurst and beer binge tour. Till Lindmann was in tears when he went from being a heavy metal monster, to slim, trim, pyrotechnic mad man once again. Never fear your mom putting your favorite concert tees in the dryer ever again!
So, move over “Screamin’ For Benchpress”, and get lost “Too Fast For Lovehandles”, because Sweating To Death is going to succeed where other programs fail. The secret is in the space age combination of hyper, double-bass blast beats with a mixture of hand picked, fat burning exercises such as:
- Kettle Mills – Every metal head knows that windmilling for 3 hours solid can build a neck like a centaur on steroids. I’ve added resistance to this classic move for insane, neck ripping power. The trick is to duct tape a 15lb. kettle bell to the end of your hair and windmill like there’s no tomorrow. Just be sure to watch out for those ceiling fans or mom’s going to slip a gear!
- Crabcore Jacks – The superb health benefits of crabcoring can not be understated, but I’ve added some devilry to these crustacean fat melters that will get your thighs begging for a merciful fate. The trick is when you get your thighs parallel to the ground, have a modest weight friend leapfrog onto your shoulders and then perform an explosive jump. I recommend spandex pants for these seam rippers!
- Amp Head Presses – Upper body strength is your friend, in the mosh pit and out, so I’ve incorporated an alternative to boring barbell presses, Amp Head Presses. This exercise is a bit tricky, but with proper form, your arms will look like they belong in a Manowar photo shoot. Keep a straight back and hold the amp head overhead for the length of two Tool songs. That’s it. Remember to keep a straight back and don’t lock your knees, and your guns will be ready for the next battle of the bands in no time!
What are you waiting for? Pick up that phone and scream bloody gore! The first 666 callers will receive a free bonus disc containing my new abdominal workout, “8 Minute Grind Core”. That’s 75 songs to inspire you to get that abominable abdominal look the ladies go crazy over! Call now, supplies are limited!
From the beginning, there were a handful of voices sounding the alarm that the Patient Protection and Affordable Care Act (Obamacare) would lead to rationing and the implementation of so called, “Death Panels.” Today, those fears may be closer to being realized than you think.
Buried within the 20,541 pages of Obamacare lies a hidden provision, known as the Pierce Clause. The Pierce Clause was set to go into effect if the projected number of young applicants for insurance fell below the designated threshold of 1.4 billion enrollees between the ages of 16 to 26 years old. Since the disastrous rollout of the Healthcare.gov web page and the tepid reception by American youth, enrollment in Obamacare is barely over the 19,002 mark, no where close to the 1.4 billion threshold required to make Heathcare.gov an ad free web page.
How will the Pierce Clause effect healthcare for you and your loved ones? To start with, those who are fighting the specter of Pancreatic Atrophy Syndrome (PAS) will soon find themselves looking for ways to pay for their own life saving treatments. PAS generally effects adult males in their 30’s to 40’s who have a history of exposure to rapid, low frequency noises, or violent abdominal jostling, such as those often found in grindcore moshpits.
In a press conference last week, retiring Health and Human Services Secretary, Kathleen Sebelius told the press that,
People with Pancreatic Atrophy Syndrome have more alternative funding sources than ever before. Why just the other day my husband and I were at a mattress store and the sales person advised us that his company had been responsible for saving at least 324 patients with PAS. We were astounded that one store could produce such an amazing survival rate through bedding retail. We figured that there must be hundreds of mattress stores saving lives all over this nation and to continue to publicly fund such treatments was a theft of people’s hard earned tax dollars.
Modifications covered under Obamacare Pierce Clause
So, what does the Pierce Clause actually do? Well, for one thing, it gets young people excited about enrolling in a healthcare plan that will not only treat mono or genital warts, but will pay for a host of insurer covered body modifications. Again, Kathleen Sebelius shared some positive news to a curious audience.
“The Pierce Clause is more than just a gimmick to get young people to enroll at Healthcare.gov, it’s a much needed boost for the failing egos of America’s greatest resource, its children. How many of you remember being the lame kid at school who had to choose between skinny jeans or an eyebrow piercing? Today’s youth still face the obstacles of low self esteem caused by a lack of available funds for ego boosting luxuries such as a tongue bifurcation, or a rad pair of snakebite hoops. The Pierce clause is a win-win for this country, not only do unpopular kids get access to body modifications with no co-pay or deductible, but they get that sense of knowing that, even thought they’ll never letter in a sport or join an honor society, they will always get attention when they run down to the local Hot Topic or Baptist church. And you just can’t put a price on that.”
(Soothing light jazz plays under the deep, soothing announcer’s voice)
Everybody has been there before. You have a huge party coming up later in the evening; you have oily skin, nothing to wear and the spirit of the demon Pazuzu inhabiting your body. Lucky for you, Exfoliations and Exorcisms can get you ready for that big night on the town.
Stop by any of our locations in order to get your treatment today. Our trained staff of herbocologists, pharmacological nail technicians, botanists, zoologists, epidericololgical skin replicators, colonic refabricators and preachers will get looking like a million bucks without having to pay sell your soul. Just sit back, relax and be cleansed of all of the ultra-violet rays and satanic entities that have been weighing you down.
Step into an oasis of calm in a fallen world. We offer several fast, affordable treatments including holy water facials, avocado dead skin mask acne eradication, laser stigmata removal, horn maintenance, tail elimination, hoof waxing and head rotations.
Next time your afternoon is turning into a living hell, stop by Exfoliations and Exorcisms. We have 18 area locations where you can be washed in the cool, soothing waters of eternal damnation. Call us at 1-800-CALMAWAITS to schedule your consultation and pick up your free pint of yak’s blood.
Environmentalists Fear New Nuclear Assault Will Lead To Radioactive Tuna; Death of All Living Things
The tuna industry is reeling from several published reports that a new Nuclear Assault album may be released as early as 2015. Radioactive tuna from the 2005 Nuclear Assault album “Third World Genocide” has been linked to scores of horrific public health issues around the world. Environmentalists are calling the latest Nuclear Assault release “the worst potential attack on Mother Nature since DRI released a video for ‘Acid Rain’.”
In California, over two million children have been born with multiple heads since the 2005 Nuclear Assault record hit stores. These children, known as “Connelly’s Kids”, are prone to violence, have the ability to make objects burst into flame by thinking about them and breathe through gills strategically located on their foreheads. Gangs of “Connelly’s Kids” recently rampaged through the streets of Sacramento and Bakersfield, eating hundreds of kittens and stealing the toes of elderly citizens in order to make so-called “death necklaces”.
California is not the only place that Nuclear Assault ridden tuna has caused problems. This winter, Atlanta, Georgia has been slammed by two massive ice storms shut the city down for nearly 10 days and caused a traffic nightmare due in large part to infected tuna. In 1989, after the release of Nuclear Assault’s magnum opus “Handle With Care”, Guatemala was attacked by hundreds of moth-like creatures capable of turning human beings into bloodthirsty zombies by stinging them. When “Something Wicked” was released in 1993, a horde of 30,000 flying pigs with bat wings killed everyone in the country of Canada except for members of the band Annihilator and noted director David Cronenberg.
Tuna fish are often the size of Volkswagens. They are a tasty, delicious treat consumed by obnoxious sushi eating 30 somethings who have nothing better to talk about than their previous evening’s meal. A canned form of the wonder fish is often consumed by impoverished Americans who would easily achieve the American Dream if they stopped wasting their time eating and sleeping and spent more time working to improve their lot in life. Many doctors believe tuna not affected by heavy metals can help people achieve eternal life if eaten on a regular basis.
Scientists fear the new Nuclear Assault could cause a death toll in the millions as well as the destruction of most major cities. According to Dr. Glenn Evans, a noted expert on the effects of radiation sickness, citizens around the world need to become aware of the calamity that might take place and get together to make a difference. According to Evans, “Critical mass will be achieved or else we will destroy ourselves. If we don’t stop this catastrophe from happening, it’s Game Over.”
While many reviewers and enraged Megadeth fans have panned the new single “Supercollider”, one man has taken his criticism a step further. Dr. Josef Kranken, a researcher recently fired from the Monsanto Corporation, claims that, in a study conducted using one hundred volunteer 8-year-olds from a Phoenix elementary school, he has found evidence that repeated exposure to “Supercollider” could lead to inflammation of the liver consistent with the Hepatitis X virus.
Of the 50 children infected with the new Megadeth song, 46 of them developed symptoms within 3 to 5 hours. The other 50 students, who only listened to songs off of “Rust In Peace”, showed no immediate health issues and, in fact, scored higher on standardized tests the following day.
Up until recently, Hepatitis X was referred to as Hepatitis D. The virus changed its name during its conversion to Islam while in prison in 2010. It is best known for causing an enormous growth in the size of people’s ears and large, droopy sacks of skin to bulging from a person’s forehead. If not treated within 48 hours, it can lead to teeth growing out of the back of the victim’s neck.
This is not Dr. Kranken’s first foray into studying the health effects of heavy metal on human beings. He authored a paper two years called “The Great Radikult Syphilis Epidemic of 2011” where he forecast a major worldwide outbreak of syphilis due to Morbid Angel’s release of the album “IIud Divinum Insanus”. The study was debunked by several doctors, including noted Harvard immunologist Dr. Steven Copley, who went on to famously quip “the only possible way to catch a venereal disease listening to heavy metal is by standing too close to Vince Neil during a Motley Crue concert.”
Kranken, who graduated from University of Phoenix in 1979 with a degree in botanical psychology, was a top researcher for the Monsanto Corporation for over 20 years. He worked on some of Monsanto’s most infamous projects including the one that convinced the company to market Posilac (or rBST), a chemical that has been known to cause extreme suffering in cows. In his 1993 review of the effects of Posilac, he concluded that cows “might actually grow to enjoy the feeling of having gargantuan, swollen utters”. Monsanto fired Kranken in 2009 when he refused to work on a program designed to create 1000-pound flesh-eating rats for the Chinese military.
Who has time to keep up with all that weight loss research? After all, it’s so technical and confusing and often uses really big, difficult words like “measurement”. And if you don’t know what you are doing, you might end up trapped in a 1997 Plymouth Voyager, eating ketchup packets to stay alive while angry Iranian protestors bang on your windows demanding “Death to America”. Or speaking to a giant goiter that has sprung from your neck. Or mauled by polar bears.
It’s a cold, brutal world out there and it is often difficult for the average person to spend more than 12 seconds reading something before being so completely overcome with rage that they begin howling and drooling. Lucky for you, our team of Tyranny of Nutrition weight loss researchers have spent hours of painstaking research researching the research done by other researchers. Surprisingly, we found that many of the dieting myths accepted as gospel by the mindless mob of cellulite obsessed Americans all desperately trying to think about anything but their own fragile mortality were actually just a bunch of lies concocted by narcissistic fools who would put a knife in their grandmother’s throat for a shot to get on Oprah.
Knowing what the actual truth is in this godforsaken, garbage heap of a world can be the difference between winning and losing The Battle of The Bulge. Here’s the skinny on some of the best-known diet myths around.
1. If I Stop Eating Entirely, I Will Die
False: The average human can survive for years without consuming a single calorie. In new research done by The National Society For The Prevention of Human Emotion, 93 percent of people just fool themselves into eating because they are weak. They have been coddled by our liberal schools and, as a result, believe they need to eat in order to “nourish their bodies”. They can never truly understand the feeling of pride that our forefathers experienced by ignoring their basic needs and suffering an entire lifetime for absolutely no reason in particular.
2. Being Overweight Can Lead To Diabetes, Heart Disease and Walking Corpse Disorder
True (but so what): Life is cruel and fleeting. Ever hear the one about the guy who won the lottery and got hit and killed by a milk truck the next day? Or the one about super athlete marathoner who dropped dead of a heart attack in his early 40s? According to a recent study done by The American Bureau of Obvious Statistics, 100 percent of Americans will die at some point in their lives. In most cases, it will be in a miserable, hideous way, unless you are lucky enough to die in your sleep or in the throws of passion. Sure, a proper diet may buy you a few years, but the end will be far more terrible than you can possibly imagine and there is a good chance that regardless of what you eat, something random and unspeakable will happen to you anyway.
3. Skinnier People Are Happier Than Fat People
False: No one is ever happy for very long. Many skinny people spend half of their time obsessing over not becoming fat. Many fat people spend half of their time obsessing over becoming skinny. If they manage to steer clear of that trap, there is a whole universe of possible maladies and unsightly embarrassments to be terrified of. From chronic halitosis, to acne, to worrying that their young children are acting like Bebe’s Kids at the local library, cruel judgments wait around every corner. The only relief most people get from constant feelings of inadequacy is the joy in noticing and quietly mocking the faults of others. On and on South of Heaven.
4. When You Lose Weight, More People Will Like You
False: People don’t avoid you because you are heavy. They steer clear of you because having interactions with other humans is often intolerably dull and painful. Don’t take it personally; most people hate everyone. They long for a day when the human race is wiped out, but they worry that Internet service and pizza delivery will be affected by global extinction, so they do not take action. Lose all the weight you want, it won’t change the fact that almost everyone who talks to you on a daily basis fantasizes about turning on the news and finding out you were swallowed up by a sinkhole during the night.
5. Weight Loss Happens Only When God Wills It
True: Let’s face it, the reason most people are fat is because the Western world has all but turned it’s back on God. You never see any pictures of fat Puritans, do you? The weight of the average American has nearly tripled since prayer has been taken out of schools by those meddlers over in Washington. Obesity is God’s punishment on America for its love affair with atheism, fast food and heavy metal music.