Archive for category Health Tips for An Early Death
Overkill Singer: “I’m Not Embarrassed To Be a Plus-Sized Model”
Posted by Keith Spillett in Health Tips for An Early Death on November 12, 2014
Portly. Chubby. Rotund. Plump. Tubby. Or just plain fat. Overkill frontman has been called it all. He used to be ashamed of his girth. Now, he’s not hiding it, he’s flaunting it.
As a heavy metal singer for the heavy metal band Overkill, Bobby “The Blitz” Ellsworth is a major success. However, as a plus-sized model, Bobby is a superstar. In the last 9 months, he’s appeared on the cover of Elle, Vanity Fair, Glamour and The Omaha Steaks Catalog. He has overcome his fat-shaming critics and turned from a caterpillar into a swan.
Things weren’t always easy for Bobby. “I remember we were playing at a show back in 2001 and some guy in the front row was holding up a sign that said “Who Tends The Fries”. Who Tends The Fries!!! Man, I put my heart and soul into writing the song “Who Tends The Fire” and this idiot turned it into another cheap fat joke. I felt like giving up.”
But, The Blitz didn’t give up. Instead he resolved to become a role model for the 99.9999 percent of Americans who consider themselves to be overweight. In spite of the fact that according to the BMI index at 6 foot 3 160 pounds he is considered “morbidly obese” and only ten pounds away from “being so fat that his legs might collapse under him at any minute”, Bobby decided that he wasn’t going to live in fear anymore.
“Look, I’m not a size 0 or a -2. I’m big and I’m beautiful. And I’m not afraid to show it.”
Fellow Plus-Sized Model Christian Bale, Recently Named Spokesperson For The Calvin Klein “Perfectly Fit” Ad Campaign, Plans To Join Blitz On His Campaign To Raise Awareness
Bobby is committed to raising awareness. By raising awareness, he hopes to raise awareness in order to raise awareness. As many Americans are aware thanks to the thousands of campaigns to raise awareness, the best way to raise awareness is by raising awareness.
“Body image is such a big deal nowadays. Fat young pimply-faced metalheads are afraid to wear fashionable clothing and instead hide themselves in 4XL Skeletonwitch shirts. That’s why plus-sized models like myself and Kate Moss are trying to raise awareness.”
“Raising awareness is an important way to raise awareness. Once awareness is raised, we won’t have to raise awareness anymore. Then, we can raise awareness about something else. Eventually, we will be aware of everything. The key is to raise awareness.”
Did Van Halen Cause Ebola? One Parent Thinks So
Posted by Keith Spillett in General Weirdness, Health Tips for An Early Death on October 9, 2014
David Lee Roth and Eddie Van Halen Along With Two Other Guys
As Americans come to terms with their current bout with media induced Ebola Fever, one parent is taking a stand against what she believes to be the culprit in the spread of this dreaded disease…the heavy metal band Van Halen. Eleanor Iselin, a concerned mother of two from Nacogdoches, Texas, has taken to the Internet and started a campaign to ban Van Halen’s music from radio stations in order to “save the lives of millions people who have been born and are not born or will never be born.”
Last week, Iselin was sitting in her living room listening to a news update when word of the virus hitting the United States came across the airwaves. Moments later, the very same station played “Drop Dead Legs” by Van Halen. The connection was obvious. God had spoken to her and her mission was clear.
According to Iselin, a three-pack-a-day cigarette smoker who was recently diagnosed with emphysema, the connection between Van Halen and Ebola should be clear “even to the sheeple dumb enough to vaccinate their children for mumps”.
After minutes of research, Iselin was able to determine that the first known outbreak of Ebola took place not in Africa, as many people have claimed, but in Panama in the year 1984. She went on to speculate that the album has been extremely popular in places where the virus has hit the hardest.
“What do Texas, Sarah Leon and Libraria have in common? They have thousands of Van Halen fans! Duh!”
A well-placed source in the Van Halen camp confirmed to her that David Lee Roth left the band when he discovered that Ebolized copies of the early Van Halen albums were being distributed. Sammy Hagar, who several websites have speculated created botulism in 1973, was brought in to replace Roth in the hopes of causing agony and suffering for millions of Van Halen fans.
During the years Sammy Hagar was in the band, the virus spread to thousands of new victims, further corroborating Iselin’s argument. Roth was forced to return to the band, in spite of his moral objections, when he lost millions of dollars investing in risky business ventures like the Beefsteak Charlie restaurant chain and The Zubaz Pants Corporation.
Iselin is no stranger to health concerns. Her malnourished children have both recently developed goiters due to iodine deficiencies and rickets from a lack of Vitamin D while her husband Dan was recently was hospitalized after overdosing on hydrocodone prescribed to him in order to deal with the pain associated with his eleventh quadruple bypass surgery.
Yet in spite of the terrible maladies she and her family have suffered through, Eleanor Iselin has soldiered on in her crusade to eradicate what she believes to be the biggest public health threat to Americans today.
One day in the not-so-distant future, with the help of brave people like her, Van Halen Ebola may be a thing of the past.
“Exfoliations and Exorcisms” Spa Will Clean Your Skin and Soul For $99.99
Posted by Keith Spillett in Health Tips for An Early Death on March 26, 2014
Phil Anselmo After His Relaxing Exorcism (photo by Matthew Germain)
(Soothing light jazz plays under the deep, soothing announcer’s voice)
Everybody has been there before. You have a huge party coming up later in the evening; you have oily skin, nothing to wear and the spirit of the demon Pazuzu inhabiting your body. Lucky for you, Exfoliations and Exorcisms can get you ready for that big night on the town.
Stop by any of our locations in order to get your treatment today. Our trained staff of herbocologists, pharmacological nail technicians, botanists, zoologists, epidericololgical skin replicators, colonic refabricators and preachers will get looking like a million bucks without having to pay sell your soul. Just sit back, relax and be cleansed of all of the ultra-violet rays and satanic entities that have been weighing you down.
Step into an oasis of calm in a fallen world. We offer several fast, affordable treatments including holy water facials, avocado dead skin mask acne eradication, laser stigmata removal, horn maintenance, tail elimination, hoof waxing and head rotations.
Next time your afternoon is turning into a living hell, stop by Exfoliations and Exorcisms. We have 18 area locations where you can be washed in the cool, soothing waters of eternal damnation. Call us at 1-800-CALMAWAITS to schedule your consultation and pick up your free pint of yak’s blood.
Environmentalists Fear New Nuclear Assault Will Lead To Radioactive Tuna; Death of All Living Things
Posted by Keith Spillett in Health Tips for An Early Death on March 4, 2014
The tuna industry is reeling from several published reports that a new Nuclear Assault album may be released as early as 2015. Radioactive tuna from the 2005 Nuclear Assault album “Third World Genocide” has been linked to scores of horrific public health issues around the world. Environmentalists are calling the latest Nuclear Assault release “the worst potential attack on Mother Nature since DRI released a video for ‘Acid Rain’.”
In California, over two million children have been born with multiple heads since the 2005 Nuclear Assault record hit stores. These children, known as “Connelly’s Kids”, are prone to violence, have the ability to make objects burst into flame by thinking about them and breathe through gills strategically located on their foreheads. Gangs of “Connelly’s Kids” recently rampaged through the streets of Sacramento and Bakersfield, eating hundreds of kittens and stealing the toes of elderly citizens in order to make so-called “death necklaces”.
California is not the only place that Nuclear Assault ridden tuna has caused problems. This winter, Atlanta, Georgia has been slammed by two massive ice storms shut the city down for nearly 10 days and caused a traffic nightmare due in large part to infected tuna. In 1989, after the release of Nuclear Assault’s magnum opus “Handle With Care”, Guatemala was attacked by hundreds of moth-like creatures capable of turning human beings into bloodthirsty zombies by stinging them. When “Something Wicked” was released in 1993, a horde of 30,000 flying pigs with bat wings killed everyone in the country of Canada except for members of the band Annihilator and noted director David Cronenberg.
Tuna fish are often the size of Volkswagens. They are a tasty, delicious treat consumed by obnoxious sushi eating 30 somethings who have nothing better to talk about than their previous evening’s meal. A canned form of the wonder fish is often consumed by impoverished Americans who would easily achieve the American Dream if they stopped wasting their time eating and sleeping and spent more time working to improve their lot in life. Many doctors believe tuna not affected by heavy metals can help people achieve eternal life if eaten on a regular basis.
Scientists fear the new Nuclear Assault could cause a death toll in the millions as well as the destruction of most major cities. According to Dr. Glenn Evans, a noted expert on the effects of radiation sickness, citizens around the world need to become aware of the calamity that might take place and get together to make a difference. According to Evans, “Critical mass will be achieved or else we will destroy ourselves. If we don’t stop this catastrophe from happening, it’s Game Over.”
New Megadeth Song So Bad It Will Give Your Kids Hepatitis, Says Controversial Doctor
Posted by Keith Spillett in Health Tips for An Early Death on May 1, 2013
While many reviewers and enraged Megadeth fans have panned the new single “Supercollider”, one man has taken his criticism a step further. Dr. Josef Kranken, a researcher recently fired from the Monsanto Corporation, claims that, in a study conducted using one hundred volunteer 8-year-olds from a Phoenix elementary school, he has found evidence that repeated exposure to “Supercollider” could lead to inflammation of the liver consistent with the Hepatitis X virus.
Of the 50 children infected with the new Megadeth song, 46 of them developed symptoms within 3 to 5 hours. The other 50 students, who only listened to songs off of “Rust In Peace”, showed no immediate health issues and, in fact, scored higher on standardized tests the following day.
Up until recently, Hepatitis X was referred to as Hepatitis D. The virus changed its name during its conversion to Islam while in prison in 2010. It is best known for causing an enormous growth in the size of people’s ears and large, droopy sacks of skin to bulging from a person’s forehead. If not treated within 48 hours, it can lead to teeth growing out of the back of the victim’s neck.
This is not Dr. Kranken’s first foray into studying the health effects of heavy metal on human beings. He authored a paper two years called “The Great Radikult Syphilis Epidemic of 2011” where he forecast a major worldwide outbreak of syphilis due to Morbid Angel’s release of the album “IIud Divinum Insanus”. The study was debunked by several doctors, including noted Harvard immunologist Dr. Steven Copley, who went on to famously quip “the only possible way to catch a venereal disease listening to heavy metal is by standing too close to Vince Neil during a Motley Crue concert.”
Kranken, who graduated from University of Phoenix in 1979 with a degree in botanical psychology, was a top researcher for the Monsanto Corporation for over 20 years. He worked on some of Monsanto’s most infamous projects including the one that convinced the company to market Posilac (or rBST), a chemical that has been known to cause extreme suffering in cows. In his 1993 review of the effects of Posilac, he concluded that cows “might actually grow to enjoy the feeling of having gargantuan, swollen utters”. Monsanto fired Kranken in 2009 when he refused to work on a program designed to create 1000-pound flesh-eating rats for the Chinese military.
The Surprising Truth About Five Dieting Beliefs
Posted by Keith Spillett in Health Tips for An Early Death on March 25, 2013
Who has time to keep up with all that weight loss research? After all, it’s so technical and confusing and often uses really big, difficult words like “measurement”. And if you don’t know what you are doing, you might end up trapped in a 1997 Plymouth Voyager, eating ketchup packets to stay alive while angry Iranian protestors bang on your windows demanding “Death to America”. Or speaking to a giant goiter that has sprung from your neck. Or mauled by polar bears.
It’s a cold, brutal world out there and it is often difficult for the average person to spend more than 12 seconds reading something before being so completely overcome with rage that they begin howling and drooling. Lucky for you, our team of Tyranny of Nutrition weight loss researchers have spent hours of painstaking research researching the research done by other researchers. Surprisingly, we found that many of the dieting myths accepted as gospel by the mindless mob of cellulite obsessed Americans all desperately trying to think about anything but their own fragile mortality were actually just a bunch of lies concocted by narcissistic fools who would put a knife in their grandmother’s throat for a shot to get on Oprah.
Knowing what the actual truth is in this godforsaken, garbage heap of a world can be the difference between winning and losing The Battle of The Bulge. Here’s the skinny on some of the best-known diet myths around.
1. If I Stop Eating Entirely, I Will Die
False: The average human can survive for years without consuming a single calorie. In new research done by The National Society For The Prevention of Human Emotion, 93 percent of people just fool themselves into eating because they are weak. They have been coddled by our liberal schools and, as a result, believe they need to eat in order to “nourish their bodies”. They can never truly understand the feeling of pride that our forefathers experienced by ignoring their basic needs and suffering an entire lifetime for absolutely no reason in particular.
2. Being Overweight Can Lead To Diabetes, Heart Disease and Walking Corpse Disorder
True (but so what): Life is cruel and fleeting. Ever hear the one about the guy who won the lottery and got hit and killed by a milk truck the next day? Or the one about super athlete marathoner who dropped dead of a heart attack in his early 40s? According to a recent study done by The American Bureau of Obvious Statistics, 100 percent of Americans will die at some point in their lives. In most cases, it will be in a miserable, hideous way, unless you are lucky enough to die in your sleep or in the throws of passion. Sure, a proper diet may buy you a few years, but the end will be far more terrible than you can possibly imagine and there is a good chance that regardless of what you eat, something random and unspeakable will happen to you anyway.
3. Skinnier People Are Happier Than Fat People
False: No one is ever happy for very long. Many skinny people spend half of their time obsessing over not becoming fat. Many fat people spend half of their time obsessing over becoming skinny. If they manage to steer clear of that trap, there is a whole universe of possible maladies and unsightly embarrassments to be terrified of. From chronic halitosis, to acne, to worrying that their young children are acting like Bebe’s Kids at the local library, cruel judgments wait around every corner. The only relief most people get from constant feelings of inadequacy is the joy in noticing and quietly mocking the faults of others. On and on South of Heaven.
4. When You Lose Weight, More People Will Like You
False: People don’t avoid you because you are heavy. They steer clear of you because having interactions with other humans is often intolerably dull and painful. Don’t take it personally; most people hate everyone. They long for a day when the human race is wiped out, but they worry that Internet service and pizza delivery will be affected by global extinction, so they do not take action. Lose all the weight you want, it won’t change the fact that almost everyone who talks to you on a daily basis fantasizes about turning on the news and finding out you were swallowed up by a sinkhole during the night.
5. Weight Loss Happens Only When God Wills It
True: Let’s face it, the reason most people are fat is because the Western world has all but turned it’s back on God. You never see any pictures of fat Puritans, do you? The weight of the average American has nearly tripled since prayer has been taken out of schools by those meddlers over in Washington. Obesity is God’s punishment on America for its love affair with atheism, fast food and heavy metal music.
New ESPN Commercial Features Metallica Drummer Lars Ulrich Eating Wilt Chamberlain’s Pituitary Gland
Posted by Keith Spillett in General Weirdness, Health Tips for An Early Death on March 20, 2013
When Lars Ulrich paid $120,000 dollars for the rights to own former Laker great Wilt Chamberlain’s pituitary gland last month at a Los Angeles auction, experts speculated that he was losing his mind. After all, what possible use could the gland of a four-time NBA most valuable player have? People laughed as Lars overbid by almost $100,000 dollars to ensure he locked up the rights to the secretory organ. They aren’t laughing anymore.
During a soon-to-be-aired ESPN commercial, Lars began gnawing on Chamberlain’s gland while the rest of the band stood around telling standard, boring rockstar jokes. By the end of the commercial Lars had grown to the height of 8 foot 3. Only recently, height experts had estimated Ulrich to be a mere 5 foot 6. Some experts have speculated that Ulrich’s height may reach 11 foot 7 within the next month.
Ulrich Moments Before His Appearance On ESPN
The consumption of the glands by metal celebrities is rare but not unheard of. Back in 2006, Slayer vocalist Tom Araya was seen chewing on the adrenal gland of famed actor Lee Marvin at a Corrosion of Conformity show. At the time, many experts in the field of adrenal gland eating believed that Lee Marvin’s organ contained a rare hormone that would allow anyone consuming it to become invisible for 12 hours. Araya, however, merely ended up with a headache and a brief, bizarre hallucination where he believed that he was former President Rutherford B. Hayes.
While consuming the glands of other humans tends to be unpopular, the inhalation of donkey glands has become a fad among many of today’s teens. Snorting donkey glands (or glarfing as many teens call it) has become the main recreational activity of a whole generation of adolescents. The effects of one “rail” of donkey gland can be feelings of unbridled euphoria, the power to control the minds of others, werewolfism and even, in some cases, vortex breath (the ability to exhale gale force winds from one’s mouth and nostrils).
In spite of the fact that they are illegal in 26 states, donkey glands are available at most corner gas stations and even some supermarkets. According to some donkey gland abuse experts, 1 out of every 3 American teens have experimented with glarfing. Police are reporting an alarming rise in the number glarfing and driving arrests. The U.S. might well be in the grips of a donkey gland snorting epidemic.
The logistical ramifications of Lars’ decision to abuse the gland of Wilt Chamberlain could be significant. After all, fitting behind a drum kit at nearly 12 feet tall might pose a serious challenge to the once diminutive Ulrich. However, the bigger concern for society at large are the effects of a role model like Ulrich sending the message that it is “cool” for young people to engage in glandular abuse.
With America facing a glarfing crisis, some experts believe the tacit celebrity endorsement of the recreational consumption of glands could lead to a situation where all forms of authority are undercut and full-scale anarchy and chaos grip the nation. The American family could be entirely annihilated. Humans might be replaced by zombie-like, gland-addicted creatures that stumble through the streets at all hours searching for their next fix.
The entire fabric of modern civilization might be destroyed. Or even worse, many of the long cherished records held by professional athletes could be shattered by hormone-gargling, mutant “superathletes”. Many experts believe that the only solution to this epidemic is a full scale War on Glands where the military is used to break up international gland cartels and high school students are subjected to twenty hours per week of gland abuse reeducation.
Researchers Link “Slayer Obsession” To Food Allergies
Posted by Keith Spillett in Health Tips for An Early Death on April 9, 2012
John Murphy At A Slayer Concert After Consuming 12 Jars of Pickle Juice
In a surprising study done by Johns Hopkins University, a direct connection has been found between being obsessed with the heavy metal band Slayer and consumption of certain classes of food. Slayer Obsession, known in medical parlance as Human Epiglottal Lymphogranuloma Lychosis or HELL, has been known to effect two in every three Slayer fans at least one time in their lives. In more serious cases of Slayer Obsession, a diet rich in certain classes of carbohydrates and proteins has been linked to symptoms as serious as the need to carve the band’s name into a person’s arm, the desire to write “SLAYER” on random Facebook message threads or even the overwhelming need to write the lyrics to “Dead Skin Mask” and other Slayer songs on inappropriate places such as church pews or children’s foreheads.
One food, unsurprisingly, that can cause Slayer addiction is barley, commonly found in beer. As many as 4 in 10 beer drinkers find themselves with mild to serious cases of HELL.
What is shocking are the other types of food that can lead to this disorder. The researchers found that people who consume more than 12 ounces of butter per day were found to frequently listen to the album “Seasons in the Abyss” for between 6 and 8 hours in an evening. Consumption of cucumbers or cottage cheese can lead to the desire to lock oneself in a room and listen to nothing but “South of Heaven” for entire weekends at a time.
The real stunner was that pickle juice is a major contributor to the disorder. Apparently pryotophan, an amino acid found in pickle juice will, in almost all cases, lead to immediate bouts of HELL and a nearly mindless sense of euphoria. Many fans at fans Slayer shows, who have recently been seen consuming entire containers of the water in pickle jars, have found themselves running wildly around in circles and running into one an other in a symptom that doctors refer to as “moshing”. Some Slayer fans have even taken to smoking and free basing pickles before shows in order to get the desired effect.
While doctors for years have believed that only the love of Jesus Christ or a good woman could help HELL sufferers, the Johns Hopkins research team believes that eating certain things can help cure the disorder. One such food is potting soil. According to their study, eating 9 ounces of mineral rich potting soil per day can lead a sharp decrease in the need to listen to Slayer. They also recommend eating at least 3 servings of donkey spleen per week.
For sufferers of this disorder, the future may seem bleak. They may feel powerless over their obsessions and symptoms. However, a diet rich in dirt and donkey parts can ensure that, in fact, HELL does not await.
Abbath Creates Gluten-Free Cellphones; Now Worth An Estimated 11.8 Billion Dollars
Posted by Keith Spillett in Health Tips for An Early Death on March 21, 2012
The biggest surprise on this year’s Forbes 500 Richest People on The Planet list was a name well known to those who follow black metal. Right below hedge fund manager Steve Cohen and above newspaper magnate Rupert Murdoch stands the name of one of the most revered members of the black metal community, Abbath. While he is mostly known for his guttural vocal wails and sweeping guitar riffs in the band Immortal, he has actually made most of his money from a very strange source. Abbath is the world’s number one distributor of gluten-free products.
After reading a study back in 2002 claiming one in every seven people had an allergy to gluten, Abbath started to think about the millions of people gluten-free products could benefit. Weeks later when Horgh, the drummer for Immortal, was diagnosed with gluten sensitivity Abbath created special gluten-free corpse paint for him to wear on stage. A rash of gluten related issues hit the black metal community in 2003 and Abbath’s makeup began to catch on. This was only the beginning.
In 2005, Abbath discovered the idea that has taken the world by storm and turned him into a multi-billionaire…gluten-free cell phones. “There are so many people whose systems can not tolerate gluten. It can cause terrible side effects that range from severe headaches, to rapid eye movement, to explosive logorrhea. I just wanted to help make a difference for people who wanted not to suffer,” said a wistful Abbath in an exclusive interview with Tyranny of Tradition.
Since Abbath began mass marketing his Non-Celiac Cellphones seven years ago, they have become an important part of the lives of millions of people. His next step in 2007 was to create a gluten-free line of clothing. While gluten-free collared shirts have yet to take off, many stylish French teenagers have taken to recently wearing gluten free pants and socks. Gluten-free capes and fangs became the number one fashion trend in Romania last year.
The War on Gluten continued in 2009 with the introduction of gluten-free appliances. It’s hard to make it though a Wal-Mart without seeing one of Abbath’s gluten-free toasters or washing machines. He has even created gluten-free gluten, an invisible substance that cannot be detected by any of the five senses or absorbed by the body. The Pentagon purchased three cases of it for over 12 million dollars last month.
Abbath has major plans for the future. He is currently researching the possibility of gluten-free prosthetic limbs. By 2017, humans could be outfitted with gluten-free arms, legs and even torsos. He has also been working with several space nanotechnology companies in the attempt to create planet-sized, gluten-free computers. A gluten-free spaceship similar to the Death Star from Star Wars is currently in the early stages of production. It would possess a death ray that could extract all of the gluten from a planet while killing all of its inhabitants in less than three seconds.
Researchers Say Hitting Yourself In The Face With A Hammer Could Potentially Be Dangerous
Posted by Keith Spillett in Health Tips for An Early Death on March 14, 2012
Apparently, hitting yourself in the face with a hammer isn’t safe after all. An extensive study done by researchers at Harvard University claims that striking yourself with repeated blows to the face with a hammer could potentially lead to terrible side effects. The surprising study, done with 100 small children over a five year period of repeated daily strikings, claims that beating your own head in can lead to loss of appetite, excessive bleeding, blindness, holes in your face, rapid eye movement, death and restless leg syndrome.
According to Harvard Scientist Mark Cranium, “this research should prove, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that hitting oneself with a hammer in the face is a bad idea under most circumstances.”
However, there was some good news for people who enjoy the dull thud of a hammer hitting their skulls. The research showed no connection between repeated hammer strikes to heart disease or Type 2 Diabetes. Also, the Harvard study failed to address the effects of eating hammers, so most likely that is still safe.
The study itself was called into question by researchers for Ace Hardware Store’s Corporate Office who did a separate study and arrived at very different results. The hardware chain found no link between hitting yourself in the face with a hammer and any negative outcomes. As a matter of fact, the Ace study found a direct correlation between two hammer blows a day and a longer, healthier life.
In spite of the recent warnings, many Americans continue to bang away at their faces. “That Harvard government ain’t gonna tell me what to do,” said Beau Clemens, a recent recipient of America’s first state-subsidized face transplant.
Dr. Dean Sluggish, a noted expert from the Southern California Institute of Facial Hammering, also believes that hammering one’s face is not just a personal problem, it’s an environmental problem. “Think of the thousands of trees cut down, the thousands of pounds of metal, the carbon footprint made by smashing one skull to a pulp. In order to turn one face into a bloody mess it requires enough fuel to run a Hummer for 3 minutes. Obviously, there are better uses of nature’s bounty,” he wrote in an editorial that accompanied the study.
“To a man who hits themselves in the face with a hammer, everything is a nail,” added Dr. Sluggish in an attempt to say something quotable.
The Tyranny of Tradition 