Posts Tagged Immortal

Abbath Comes Out

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OSLO, Norway—The legendary ex-frontman of Immortal and eponymous front axeman of Abbath shocked metal fans worldwide Thursday evening when he announced on Twitter that he was “tired of hiding.”

After 13 days of bonding with nature in observance of Mighty Blashyrkh, Abbath finally came out of Østmarka, a forested area located to the east of Oslo. The portly black metal musician exited the misty woods at around 8 p.m., reported Metal Hammer Norway.

“I was doing a lot of woodchopping,” Abbath told reporters who were lying in wait for him. “And a lot of hunting and cooking. Just trying to forget about civilization for a moment, you know? Trying to come to terms with my true self.”

He continued: “But upon reflection, I realized that hiding in the woods is not going to help me solve global warming. I need to be out there again to make a difference. I must ride the diabolical wings of society to summon Eternal Winter to this wretched planet.”

The former closet environmental activist reportedly cycled to Østmarka a fortnight ago from his igloo at the Norway–Russia border.

Hours after his return to civilization, the United Nations Environment Programme (UNEP) congratulated Abbath for “his brave decision to live openly and authentically,” and appointed him UNEP Goodwill Ambassador.

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Millions Of Heartbroken Tweens Mourn Abbath’s Departure From One Direction

abbath-1 Tweens everywhere were shocked and horrified by news yesterday that singer, songwriter and pop icon Abbath had left One Direction. Reactions have run the gamut from mournful posts on Twitter to self-immolations. Across the world, saddened little Tweens with tear-streaked corpse paint makeup are suffering unimaginable suffering unimaginably.

Abbath was a god among many Tweens. Some Tweens loved him for his hotness. Others chuckled at the silly memes made using his likeness. Still others covered themselves in the blood of mammals and chanted the lyrics to songs like “Story of My Life” and “What Makes You Beautiful”. art-onedirection5-420x0 Now, millions of Tween dreams lie shattered in pieces on the sidewalk; a decaying detritus of prepubescent post-modern boy band botulism. A free-form fetishistic festival of fury has formed in the face of festoons of fermented festering but fleeting flulike symptoms. The Tween dream has turned into a full-scale Tween nightmare. And no one can stop it.

A walk through any local mall tells the story. Tweens curled up in a ball whispering “Abbath….Abbath….Abbath” over and over again. Tweens shrieking the lyrics to “Call of the Wintermoon” and destroying watermelons with sledgehammers. Tweens laying waste to entire rows of “Hello, Kitty” merchandise with no regard to their own safety or well-being. Tweens flinging cups of Orange Julius haphazardly at innocent nonTween bystanders. Windows to Hot Topics and Forever 21s boarded up; their owners fearing a wave of Tween looting. Gangs of Tweens shouting “Death To America!” while turning over mall cop segues. The whole Tween universe…a powder keg ready to explode at even a passing mention of Abbath.

A survey of Tween sadness done earlier today by The Aldo Nova Institute For The Study of Tweenology showed that over 90 percent of Tweens were “totally, like, messed up” by Abbath’s departure. Many media outlets have gone so far as to refer to Abbath’s departure as a “Twagedy”. image.php If you are the parent of a child who might or might not be experiencing Abbath-related Tween Angst (word copyrighted 2015 by tyrannyoftraditionLLC), it is important that you take the following steps in order to help your Tween make it through this trying period.

First, soak your Tween in a bathtub filled with vinegar for 5 hours. At first, they will protest and possibly even fight back, but it is critical to cleanse their pores of Tween Angst Toxins.

Second, talk to your Tween about other options to focus their obsessive little Tween minds on. Lavinia Fisher took time this morning to help her two Tween daughters Posh and Sporty Fisher take down the Abbath posters in their room. “My girls are heartbroken. Devastated.  As a parent, I feel like it is important that I take action immediately and help them fixate on another cultural phenomena as soon as possible. It is critical to our survival as a species that we find some trivial novelty to think about so that pondering the looming specter of eventual death doesn’t consume our every waking second in this hell.”

Third, make sure that your Tween UNDER NO CIRCUMSTANCES runs away to join ISIS. There have been several reports of Tween Angsters so overwhelmed by grief that they have boarded planes to the Middle East in an attempt to deal with their sadness by “binge joining” jihadist groups. Be vigilant. Remember, YOU are the parent. Radical Islam is NOT OKAY for Tweens. embarrassing-fan-cries-1

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Abbath Creates Gluten-Free Cellphones; Now Worth An Estimated 11.8 Billion Dollars

The biggest surprise on this year’s Forbes 500 Richest People on The Planet list was a name well known to those who follow black metal.  Right below hedge fund manager Steve Cohen and above newspaper magnate Rupert Murdoch stands the name of one of the most revered members of the black metal community, Abbath.  While he is mostly known for his guttural vocal wails and sweeping guitar riffs in the band Immortal, he has actually made most of his money from a very strange source.  Abbath is the world’s number one distributor of gluten-free products.

After reading a study back in 2002 claiming one in every seven people had an allergy to gluten, Abbath started to think about the millions of people gluten-free products could benefit.  Weeks later when Horgh, the drummer for Immortal, was diagnosed with gluten sensitivity Abbath created special gluten-free corpse paint for him to wear on stage.  A rash of gluten related issues hit the black metal community in 2003 and Abbath’s makeup began to catch on.  This was only the beginning.

In 2005, Abbath discovered the idea that has taken the world by storm and turned him into a multi-billionaire…gluten-free cell phones.  “There are so many people whose systems can not tolerate gluten.  It can cause terrible side effects that range from severe headaches, to rapid eye movement, to explosive logorrhea.  I just wanted to help make a difference for people who wanted not to suffer,” said a wistful Abbath in an exclusive interview with Tyranny of Tradition.

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Since Abbath began mass marketing his Non-Celiac Cellphones seven years ago, they have become an important part of the lives of millions of people.  His next step in 2007 was to create a gluten-free line of clothing.  While gluten-free collared shirts have yet to take off, many stylish French teenagers have taken to recently wearing gluten free pants and socks.  Gluten-free capes and fangs became the number one fashion trend in Romania last year.

The War on Gluten continued in 2009 with the introduction of gluten-free appliances.  It’s hard to make it though a Wal-Mart without seeing one of Abbath’s gluten-free toasters or washing machines.  He has even created gluten-free gluten, an invisible substance that cannot be detected by any of the five senses or absorbed by the body.  The Pentagon purchased three cases of it for over 12 million dollars last month.

Abbath has major plans for the future.  He is currently researching the possibility of gluten-free prosthetic limbs.  By 2017, humans could be outfitted with gluten-free arms, legs and even torsos.  He has also been working with several space nanotechnology companies in the attempt to create planet-sized, gluten-free computers.  A gluten-free spaceship similar to the Death Star from Star Wars is currently in the early stages of production.  It would possess a death ray that could extract all of the gluten from a planet while killing all of its inhabitants in less than three seconds.

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Darkthrone’s Fenriz Arrested For Carrying Concealed Copy of Spice Girls’ “Spiceworld” Album

At 9:32 last night, the creative force behind black metal legends Darkthrone, was arrested at Toronto’s Pearson International Airport with a copy of the 1997 album “Spiceworld”.  Apparently, Fenriz was on his way through security attempting to catch a flight to Trondheim when an astute security guard noticed the album in his bag.  The album, rapped in coffee beans in an attempt to throw off Spice Girl album sniffing dogs, was confiscated and Fenriz was escorted off to jail.  He currently sits in Mimico Correctional Centre awaiting his release on 300,000-dollar bail.

Fenriz, for his part, initially claimed the album was not his, but that he was actually carrying it for an unnamed friend.  However, after intense questioning a tired and bewildered Fenriz broke down and admitted that he had purchased the album because he “couldn’t get that ‘Spice Up Your Life’ song out of his head” no matter how hard he tried.

Not only could Fenriz be facing three to five years hard labor for his possession of the album, there is a good possibility that he will be an outcast from the black metal world.  The National Association of Black Metal Bands, a 100,000-member organization committed to keeping black metal pure, has already considered banning him from taking part in church burnings for the next five years.  They have also considered taking the unheard of step of indefinitely suspending him from throwing parts of animal carcasses into the crowd during concerts.

The only such probation in the past took place in 2003 when Dani Filth was prohibited from using the word “Satan” for one year for what was referred to as “crimes against black metal”.   In Filth’s case, the so-called “death penalty” was considered, a sanction that would have been forced to record an entire album of Air Supply covers.

Many metal artists have already come to Fenriz defense.  According to Megadeth frontman Dave Mustaine listening to the Spice Girls is not healthy but “at least he wasn’t trying to marry another man or receive free health care like most people in Canada do.”  Immortal frontman Abbath also indicated that he’d support Fenriz if he joined a twelve-step Spice Girl rehabilitation program.  “Free Fenriz” tee shirts have already been popping up around Norway and Cleveland, Ohio.  It’s entirely possible that with a good attorney and the power of prayer, he will overcome this terrible transgression and become an upstanding citizen once again.

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