Tweens everywhere were shocked and horrified by news yesterday that singer, songwriter and pop icon Abbath had left One Direction. Reactions have run the gamut from mournful posts on Twitter to self-immolations. Across the world, saddened little Tweens with tear-streaked corpse paint makeup are suffering unimaginable suffering unimaginably.
Abbath was a god among many Tweens. Some Tweens loved him for his hotness. Others chuckled at the silly memes made using his likeness. Still others covered themselves in the blood of mammals and chanted the lyrics to songs like “Story of My Life” and “What Makes You Beautiful”. Now, millions of Tween dreams lie shattered in pieces on the sidewalk; a decaying detritus of prepubescent post-modern boy band botulism. A free-form fetishistic festival of fury has formed in the face of festoons of fermented festering but fleeting flulike symptoms. The Tween dream has turned into a full-scale Tween nightmare. And no one can stop it.
A walk through any local mall tells the story. Tweens curled up in a ball whispering “Abbath….Abbath….Abbath” over and over again. Tweens shrieking the lyrics to “Call of the Wintermoon” and destroying watermelons with sledgehammers. Tweens laying waste to entire rows of “Hello, Kitty” merchandise with no regard to their own safety or well-being. Tweens flinging cups of Orange Julius haphazardly at innocent nonTween bystanders. Windows to Hot Topics and Forever 21s boarded up; their owners fearing a wave of Tween looting. Gangs of Tweens shouting “Death To America!” while turning over mall cop segues. The whole Tween universe…a powder keg ready to explode at even a passing mention of Abbath.
A survey of Tween sadness done earlier today by The Aldo Nova Institute For The Study of Tweenology showed that over 90 percent of Tweens were “totally, like, messed up” by Abbath’s departure. Many media outlets have gone so far as to refer to Abbath’s departure as a “Twagedy”. If you are the parent of a child who might or might not be experiencing Abbath-related Tween Angst (word copyrighted 2015 by tyrannyoftraditionLLC), it is important that you take the following steps in order to help your Tween make it through this trying period.
First, soak your Tween in a bathtub filled with vinegar for 5 hours. At first, they will protest and possibly even fight back, but it is critical to cleanse their pores of Tween Angst Toxins.
Second, talk to your Tween about other options to focus their obsessive little Tween minds on. Lavinia Fisher took time this morning to help her two Tween daughters Posh and Sporty Fisher take down the Abbath posters in their room. “My girls are heartbroken. Devastated. As a parent, I feel like it is important that I take action immediately and help them fixate on another cultural phenomena as soon as possible. It is critical to our survival as a species that we find some trivial novelty to think about so that pondering the looming specter of eventual death doesn’t consume our every waking second in this hell.”
Third, make sure that your Tween UNDER NO CIRCUMSTANCES runs away to join ISIS. There have been several reports of Tween Angsters so overwhelmed by grief that they have boarded planes to the Middle East in an attempt to deal with their sadness by “binge joining” jihadist groups. Be vigilant. Remember, YOU are the parent. Radical Islam is NOT OKAY for Tweens.
#1 by Fried Chicken And Metal on March 26, 2015 - 2:50 PM
Cry not, for another band will descend from the frozen north to restore the hyper masculinity that teen girls look for from boy bands… and Strong Scene will sign them!
#2 by Fried Chicken And Metal on March 26, 2015 - 2:52 PM
PS – Bobby Gustafson is gonna be upset that you used alliterion (A-literation!) without his consent: “A free-form fetishistic festival of fury has formed in the face of festoons of fermented festering but fleeting flulike symptoms”
#3 by Fried Chicken And Metal on March 26, 2015 - 2:52 PM
#4 by Keith Spillett on March 26, 2015 - 2:54 PM
I stole that from a Spiro Agnew speech I think.
#5 by Duchess of Prunes on March 26, 2015 - 4:10 PM
OH, my lord, I couldn’t stop laughing! Now that I have caught my breath I should say that I, too, mourn for Abbath’s departure as some years ago I used to spend my hours gluing my face to the television screen and watching Blashyrkh Mighty Ravendark over and over again. But at least we have Demonaz! 😀
#6 by D.J. on March 26, 2015 - 4:12 PM
One down! 4 to go!
#7 by Metal Mike on March 28, 2015 - 11:07 AM
This is awesome and I’m about to follow your blog. That was genius!
#8 by Keith Spillett on March 28, 2015 - 12:12 PM
#9 by bringonthewhimsy on April 4, 2015 - 4:47 PM
You had me at “still others covered themselves in the blood of mammals.”