You’ve probably heard of him before. He’s part wolf, part lion, part ubermensch. He is possibly the most evolved being in human history. He is Glenn Danzig and He is suing you.
In a stunning declaration of war against the entire human race, Glenn Danzig has filed a lawsuit in Manhattan Federal Court against over seven billion human beings. Danzig, who is acting as his own attorney, claimed in one of the over 40 billion documents brought into court by an entire fleet of Federal Express trucks that “He has been done wrong by everyone including Misfits bassist Jerry Only, German Chancellor Angela Merkel, actor Eli Wallach, NFL quarterback Sam Bradford, Frank Oz (the voice of Yoda) and everyone else on this godforsaken planet.”
While some of the suits have been thrown out by the Court as frivolous, over two and a half billion cases will be heard over the next five centuries. Danzig, who is immortal and has over 35,000 defense points (ten times as many as Snorlax), plans to argue each case “with the passion and burning rage of a thousand suns”.
Judge Marvin Barnes labeled many of the suits “patently absurd and possibly indicative of a severe break with reality that could signify mental illness”. For example, Danzig attempted to sue everyone in the country of Azerbaijan for erecting statues in his honor without properly compensating him for the use of his likeness.
His lawsuit against the 1.6 billion citizens of the People’s Republic of China for building thousands of environmentally hazardous coal plants without consulting Him or giving Him proper credit for the invention of coal was also considered not worthy of the Court’s time.
Barnes begrudgingly agreed to hear 2.5 billion lawsuits because he “greatly admired Danzig’s first four solo albums and even a few songs by Samhain.” Danzig’s five hundred thousand dollar suit against Carol Mosley, a tax accountant in Boise, Idaho, for listening to “How The Gods Kill” without headbanging during the part where the song gets really heavy will go forward.
His 1.2 million dollar suit against Edward Callahan, a construction worker in Sacramento, California, when, in 2011, Callahan laughed hysterically at Danzig’s famed discussion of his book collection where He talks about the crimes of Jesus, clay people and the occult roots of Nazism will also see its day in court.
Danzig’s six hundred million dollar claim against The Tyranny of Tradition for implying that he gave birth to identical twin girls, a suit that would bankrupt myself and my progeny for the next three thousand years, is also proceeding. Danzig also plans to sue this website for having to waste time filing a lawsuit. Finally, Danzig will sue this site for having to file a lawsuit about filing a lawsuit; again wasting valuable time he could be using writing songs about being the nephew of the Devil and his general disdain for having been born.