An Uninterview With A Heavy Metal Band Called Allegaeon Who Is Very Good I Like Them



The interview is dead. There have been thousands of them in the history of heavy metal and what have they really accomplished? War, global warming, famine, infant obesity and the looming specter of canine halitosis still haunt us. The time has come to ask the question that our beloved former leader George W. Bush once asked: Is we learning?

We have now embarked on a bold new journey. Welcome to The Age Of The Uninterview.

Allegeaon is a band. They have a very challenging named to spell, but they are very talented at playing the heavy metal music.  (I offer proof of that in the form of their new video which is utterly hysterically brilliant and excellent and good. CLICK HERE AND THE VIDEO WILL APPEAR ON YOUR SCREEN….BELIEVE IT OR NOT COMPUTERS CAN DO THAT NOW AS WELL AS COMPLEX MATH PROBLEMS AND PLAY CHESS)

I like them. I got to talk to a bearded, scary looking fellow named Ezra Haynes who claims to be in the band. I think he plays some instrument or sings or something. He’s very good at it.

In Hebrew, Ezra means hard worker. I’m not sure if he knows that and I forgot to tell him. He might speak Hebrew, but honestly, the subject never came up so I can’t be sure. If you spill water on Ezra, he will sprout hundreds of mini-Ezras from his back and neck. He and I met for coffee in one of the 36 stomachs located within a cow named Gertrude in Provo, Utah.

These people have an album coming out. They call it “Elements of The Infinite”.  You can buy it.  If you want.  Because we have free will.  Unless you are in prison or trapped in the basement of a serial killer.

Back to this Ezra guy. He has been instructed to not answer any question I ask him, which is good, because many of the questions are remarkably stupid.

1.Are you French? If so, why?

Yesterday I woke up at 4:00pm, nothing makes you feel more like a scum bag than waking up at 4:00pm. On top of that, I wore only basketball shorts and ate quesadillas for the rest of the day. Pretty scummy.

2. I’ve heard that Allegaeon is Swahili for “one that works with oxen”. If this is true, how do you explain the existence of evil?

I once ran through a Scientology building in Los Angeles yelling “Tom Cruiseeeeeeee”.  Later that night I found myself walking around Hollywood with a samurai sword. This is all very true.

3. Women often tell me they are surprised that I’m a Scorpio?

The new record came along great! We’re just gearing up for the release this Summer and plan to tour relentlessly to promote it. We look forward to sweating it out in the van.

4. When you were young, did you chew on your clothes? Did you chew on other people’s clothes? Did you chew on other people? Did you chew?

I really don’t like the word ‘muddle’. It sounds so gross to me. I work at a bar in Fort Collins and one of the drinks calls for cucumber and mint leaves to be ‘muddled’. One muddled muddling muddler coming right up! Muddle.

5. How come the Kansas City Royals insist on playing Lorenzo Cain over Dyson Spheres even though Spheres is capable of stealing 80 bases if given regular at bats?

Last night I had a dream that I was cleaning my cat’s litter box. Why did my brain waste all of that energy on that? Wearing sunglasses assures that you never blink in photos.

6. So, I hear you like milk?

Why did I get a external hard drive with moving parts? I should’ve sucked it up and paid for a flash external hard drive. I wonder how many days it has left? Why is it on? It looks pretty trashy with an empty beer can on it.

7. What’s with all the guitars and stuff? I mean, isn’t that stuff hard to lug around everywhere? Do you have any back problems? Have you considered surgery?

I should give Corey a call. Hearing him complain about life makes me feel good.

8. I have a spleen, but I’m not sure why? Or where?

Boy is Greg cranky today. I love him.

9. If Jive Time Jimmy Camiby fought the Ooglabot in Guam (with Moo Goo Jerry Gonzales as the referee), why do you suppose people continue to bring children into this hellish, godforsaken world?

May 5th – 3:40 pm I woke up at 12:00pm today. Still eating Quesadillas though. Baby steps. Progress.

Sincerely, Ezra Haynes

10. Lady Gaga is missing an eye. Do you think that someone took Pokerface literally?

I think I’m supposed to do an interview today.

11. A train leaves Chicago travelling 40 miles per hour?

That new Godzilla movie looks really cool.

12. Do you think there is outer space?

I am terrified of horses.

13. Who invented titanium golf clubs?

Horses are like, really BIG.

14. If Adam and Eve didn’t have belly buttons, would it prove the existence of a merciful and loving creator? And what do you think of Kreator?



  1. #1 by valleyofsteel on May 6, 2014 - 2:30 PM

    I try to use that sunglasses trick as often as possible. Otherwise I get yelled at for blinking. This was a very informative and educational article.

    • #2 by Keith Spillett on May 6, 2014 - 2:41 PM

      I wrote it so that people might read about the band.

      • #3 by valleyofsteel on May 6, 2014 - 2:51 PM

        Oh. Well in that case I think I did it wrong. I’m sorry. I’m terrible at this.

      • #4 by Keith Spillett on May 6, 2014 - 3:15 PM

        That’s okay. I once did an entire interview with a giant squid sucking blood out of my neck. Believe me, that was not my finest hour.

  2. #5 by goldfish on May 6, 2014 - 3:37 PM

    That video is the best thing ever. Also, the interview.

    • #6 by Keith Spillett on May 6, 2014 - 3:40 PM

      I wrote the interview during a schizophrenic blackout so I haven’t read it yet. The video rules!

  3. #7 by Dave on May 6, 2014 - 5:38 PM

    I am finally caught up with my ToT reading. I was about 6 months behind. This article reminded me that I really like bands that start with the letter “A”. And I MUST check out the new Archspire album. Thanks ToT!

    • #8 by Keith Spillett on May 6, 2014 - 7:23 PM

      All bands that start with A are great. Prong is my favorite.

      • #9 by Dave on May 6, 2014 - 9:36 PM

        Well, snap your fingers…

  4. #10 by goran on May 6, 2014 - 7:05 PM

    Man i love this site

  5. #12 by Mike Steelreaper Stoker on May 6, 2014 - 8:26 PM

    I went to Georgia yesterday but I did not see the devil and everyone kept talking to me in Russian.

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