Posts Tagged Allegaeon

An Uninterview With A Heavy Metal Band Called Allegaeon Who Is Very Good I Like Them



The interview is dead. There have been thousands of them in the history of heavy metal and what have they really accomplished? War, global warming, famine, infant obesity and the looming specter of canine halitosis still haunt us. The time has come to ask the question that our beloved former leader George W. Bush once asked: Is we learning?

We have now embarked on a bold new journey. Welcome to The Age Of The Uninterview.

Allegeaon is a band. They have a very challenging named to spell, but they are very talented at playing the heavy metal music.  (I offer proof of that in the form of their new video which is utterly hysterically brilliant and excellent and good. CLICK HERE AND THE VIDEO WILL APPEAR ON YOUR SCREEN….BELIEVE IT OR NOT COMPUTERS CAN DO THAT NOW AS WELL AS COMPLEX MATH PROBLEMS AND PLAY CHESS)

I like them. I got to talk to a bearded, scary looking fellow named Ezra Haynes who claims to be in the band. I think he plays some instrument or sings or something. He’s very good at it.

In Hebrew, Ezra means hard worker. I’m not sure if he knows that and I forgot to tell him. He might speak Hebrew, but honestly, the subject never came up so I can’t be sure. If you spill water on Ezra, he will sprout hundreds of mini-Ezras from his back and neck. He and I met for coffee in one of the 36 stomachs located within a cow named Gertrude in Provo, Utah.

These people have an album coming out. They call it “Elements of The Infinite”.  You can buy it.  If you want.  Because we have free will.  Unless you are in prison or trapped in the basement of a serial killer.

Back to this Ezra guy. He has been instructed to not answer any question I ask him, which is good, because many of the questions are remarkably stupid.

1.Are you French? If so, why?

Yesterday I woke up at 4:00pm, nothing makes you feel more like a scum bag than waking up at 4:00pm. On top of that, I wore only basketball shorts and ate quesadillas for the rest of the day. Pretty scummy.

2. I’ve heard that Allegaeon is Swahili for “one that works with oxen”. If this is true, how do you explain the existence of evil?

I once ran through a Scientology building in Los Angeles yelling “Tom Cruiseeeeeeee”.  Later that night I found myself walking around Hollywood with a samurai sword. This is all very true.

3. Women often tell me they are surprised that I’m a Scorpio?

The new record came along great! We’re just gearing up for the release this Summer and plan to tour relentlessly to promote it. We look forward to sweating it out in the van.

4. When you were young, did you chew on your clothes? Did you chew on other people’s clothes? Did you chew on other people? Did you chew?

I really don’t like the word ‘muddle’. It sounds so gross to me. I work at a bar in Fort Collins and one of the drinks calls for cucumber and mint leaves to be ‘muddled’. One muddled muddling muddler coming right up! Muddle.

5. How come the Kansas City Royals insist on playing Lorenzo Cain over Dyson Spheres even though Spheres is capable of stealing 80 bases if given regular at bats?

Last night I had a dream that I was cleaning my cat’s litter box. Why did my brain waste all of that energy on that? Wearing sunglasses assures that you never blink in photos.

6. So, I hear you like milk?

Why did I get a external hard drive with moving parts? I should’ve sucked it up and paid for a flash external hard drive. I wonder how many days it has left? Why is it on? It looks pretty trashy with an empty beer can on it.

7. What’s with all the guitars and stuff? I mean, isn’t that stuff hard to lug around everywhere? Do you have any back problems? Have you considered surgery?

I should give Corey a call. Hearing him complain about life makes me feel good.

8. I have a spleen, but I’m not sure why? Or where?

Boy is Greg cranky today. I love him.

9. If Jive Time Jimmy Camiby fought the Ooglabot in Guam (with Moo Goo Jerry Gonzales as the referee), why do you suppose people continue to bring children into this hellish, godforsaken world?

May 5th – 3:40 pm I woke up at 12:00pm today. Still eating Quesadillas though. Baby steps. Progress.

Sincerely, Ezra Haynes

10. Lady Gaga is missing an eye. Do you think that someone took Pokerface literally?

I think I’m supposed to do an interview today.

11. A train leaves Chicago travelling 40 miles per hour?

That new Godzilla movie looks really cool.

12. Do you think there is outer space?

I am terrified of horses.

13. Who invented titanium golf clubs?

Horses are like, really BIG.

14. If Adam and Eve didn’t have belly buttons, would it prove the existence of a merciful and loving creator? And what do you think of Kreator?




Souls in The Heads of Corpses: A Psychological Review of Allegaeon’s “Fragments of Form and Function”

Few people realize that the recent Allegaeon album “Fragments of Form and Function” is a doorway to a separate dimension.  Even if it hadn’t turned my body into a giant alpha wave and projected me into the substratum of the upper atmosphere, I’d have thought it was an entirely captivating record.  At first, my ears began to shoot orange beams from them.  My children noticed this and were immediately frightened.  Eventually, they got used to it and my daughter continued talking to my toes and trying to feed them milk.  As the solo from the song The God Particle came through my cheap 9-dollar Sony headphones, I became a bundle of pure light energy and bounced from wall to wall.  I had the right headphone in my left ear and vice versa, which caused my body to carom with on a strange, knuckleball like trajectory.   And then…..a universe without dimension……

Freud once posited that original sin was actually a strange response to witnessing a patricide.  After all, the divine sacrifice wouldn’t be called for unless it was in response to a murder.  A universe that avenges theft with murder or lust with murder or greed with murder would be the most unjust possible universe.  But why would this idea bother us so much?  Maybe it is the idea that what creates life also “owes its death to the universe” that fills us with such dread and wills us to punish ourselves over and over.  When you are hurdling through the universe at light speed, it all seems irrelevant.  The human conception of justice cannot be understood at this speed.  All actions happen simultaneously.  From above, it’s all the same.

As the stirring stillness of the post-script guitar solo in “Biomech –Vals No. 666” began to well up in my consciousness I became vaguely aware of the illuminated bits of human spiritual form in these bodies of light that surrounded me.   Then, the whole ride came to a screeching halt.  I realized that I was, in fact, deliriously spinning into some weird new age fantasy that had no baring on anything and would be useless to anyone unfortunate enough to read it.  People don’t devolve into sweetness and light, they lumber along in these fleshy tombs for what qualifies as eternity (or about 76.8 years, depending on where you live).  We are not spiritual beings on some wondrous journey.  We are getting deader by the hour.  There is nothing poetic about a corpse that isn’t aware enough of itself to begin rotting.  Trapped in this dying form and making up stories about interconnection and light and love and beauty and meaning.  Charming.


A Cosmic Question.  Don’t bother.  Don’t bother with any of it.  “What defines reality?  What defines a soul?”  That’s your problem, pal.  I’m just decay with a bit of personality.  Apatheism is the only answer that allows my monstrous form any solace.  Yet…I want to know as well.  Do I suffer because I want to know or do I suffer because I cannot dream?  Descartes went around trying to find souls in the heads of dissected corpses.  (Come out with your hands in the air!!!!!!! Put the soul on the ground next to you and don’t make any quick moves!!!!!  Up against the wall, Descartes!!!!!)  I’d take it over pretending knowledge I do not have or seeking knowledge I cannot gain.  I prefer the ever-quickening pace of the double bass in “From Seed To Throne” to any rational explanation of what I am or to anything else this moment can offer.  There is that much for now.

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