Posts Tagged Pantera

Panterrorists Announce They Will Be Bombed At Upcoming Show

11042126_838001292907657_1457081645_n

After a hoax involving the desecration of Pantera guitarist “Diamond” Darrell Abbott’s grave, angry Pantera fans have coalesced into a loose collective known as Panterrorists. Like most terrorists, they employ scare tactics in the form of threats, such as raping wives and beating people senseless in a bid to sow paranoia and fear against those who dislike Pantera.

The current alarm comes from a recent communication on Facebook, where Panterrorists have vowed to be bombed at an upcoming concert of embattled Pantera detractors, Death Toll.

“These [expletives] have said a lot of [expletive] about brother Dime,” said an unnamed commenter, who never actually met the slain guitarist, “and when you’re messing with Pantera, you’re messing with us! We’re gonna get bombed at the Death Tool show and shows these [expletives] what’s up!”

The message ended with a cryptic comment of, “walk on home, boy”. It is unclear to whom they are referring, though authorities believe the wording implies potential harm to a minor.

This is far from the first public threat issued by Panterrorists, as they have recently stated they will express their outrage at any disrespect towards their favorite band by getting bombed at national landmarks, airports, and on public buses. Additional alarm was raised when certain known conspirators also made references to unknown parties being stoned, as stoning is a popular method of jihadists around the world.

“Dime is a guitar god, I tell you what,” read a comment on a Pantera forum, posted by user FKNHOSTILE420, “and we’ll continue getting bombed until everyone knows it! Nobody is safe from us. We are stronger than all!”

The Department of Homeland Security is currently establishing a task force to prevent further bombing actions. “We will not allow these actions to continue, said Special Agent Frank Gosdzik at a press conference this morning, “nor will we bend to the will of Pantifa, the Pantaliban, or Panterrorists of any kind. Cowboys from Hell was total garbage, by the way.”

The Department is also offering a reward to anyone with information regarding the meaning of “getcha’ pull”.

 

,

3 Comments

Mother of Unvaccinated 2-Year-Old: “Why Does My Daughter Look Like Phil Anselmo?”

2-Year-Old Spumoni Doltberg

2-Year-Old Spumoni Doltberg

Looks like the whole “Americans choosing not vaccinate their children crisis thing that everyone seems to be worked up about” has gone to a new level!

When a woman in Menlo Park, California showed up at a local emergency room with a nearly 6 foot tall, bearded 2-year-old with an “Unscarred” tattoo across her flabby stomach, doctors believed something might be wrong. It was then that Helen Doltberg revealed to the staff that she had not had her child vaccinated for any disease in the hopes of being more like some of the B-list, crackpot celebrities she stares blankly at on the television in her free time.

“Look, it’s a competitive world out there. How can I possibly expect to keep up with the demands of work and parenting while still trying to get my family its own reality show? The answer is…no vaccines.”

“Sure, Spumoni (Helen’s daughter) may end up with some virus that science eradicated decades ago, but it seemed just as likely that she would morph into some attention grabbing, cloven-hooved beast that television producers couldn’t ignore. We took a risk. But, we never expected anything like this.”

This would be the first reported case of Anselmo contracted in the United States since 2005. Back in 1938, Dr. Jonas Liposuct famously created a vaccine for the virus from mold that had accumulated on a 4-year-old Twinkie. Until the vaccine was created, over 20,000 Americans were infected with Anselmo on a yearly basis.

One of The Infected

Former American President Chester Arthur During a Brief Bout With Anselmo in The Year 536 BCE

The long history of Anslemo-related deaths in the United States goes back to the 1700s when Sir Jeffrey Amherst distributed blankets infected with the disease to members of the Fugawi tribe in Massachusetts killing off nearly 90 percent of them within 3 weeks. Amherst later had a town and a college named after him in honor of his great spirit of generosity and creativity.

The first recorded case of Anselmo struck a group of Taters who contracted the virus by eating chimpanzees during their voyage through one of the Italian rainforests in the 1340s. The Taters went on to attack the Italian city of Caffa in 1346, but were so overwhelmed by the virus that they gave up their siege. Still, determined to inflict the maximum amount of suffering on the residents of Caffa in order to avenge the theft of The Sacred Spud from the Tater city of Fribourg back in 1273, they became the first army to attempt the use of biological warfare.  The last remaining Tater soldiers vaulted Anselmo infected bodies over the city walls infecting the entire population of the city with the deadly virus as well as causing the city’s burgeoning thrash metal scene to adopt a more “groove-oriented” sound.

The Obama Administration was initially blamed for allowing an American to contract the disease, but claimed to have been too busy infecting dwarves with measles and rubella in their attempt to turn Disneyland into a FEMA concentration camp. Because Obama and his cabal of Kenyan communists were unavailable to be held accountable for this problem, the media has shifted its focus to blaming athletes who do not act as role models, Congressional gridlock, Craigslist, radical Islamic groups throughout the Middle East, people who receive welfare, the police, members of the rap group 2 Live Crew, Chinese toy manufacturers, puppy mill owners, and Casey Anthony.

, , , , , ,

4 Comments

Monsanto Creates Genetically Altered Heavy Metal; Nicko McBrain Develops Swollen Udders

Nicko McBrain Udders

Monsanto is a multi-national conglomerate known not only as an environmentally conscious citizen corporation, but a lover of good old-fashioned heavy metal. In the hopes of speeding up the production of heavy metal albums, the company has figured out a way to genetically alter metal musicians in order to reach their peek productive capacity.

According to Monsanto spokesperson Arthur Friendly, “Over the years we’ve seen a drop off in production from metal bands. It used to be that you could expect a band to put out an album every year, but nowadays you’re lucky if a band like Slayer or Iron Maiden put more than two albums per decade out.”

This is why, Monsanto, a corporation on the cutting edge of technology and the development of mutated humans and animals, has spent billions of dollars in research and development in order to a secret process to maximize the productive capability of bands.

Thanks to Monsanto, we can expect eleven Slayer albums, forty-two Testament records, and even seven Pantera LPs featuring a Frankensteinized version Dimebag Darrell in the next year alone. Even prog-death legends Necrophagist will have something out by 2019.

However, there have been a few unplanned side effects of Monsanto’s new process. Iron Maiden drummer Nikko McBrain was unable to play a concert last week in Liverpool when he came down with a case of swollen udders. “It’s hard enough trying to keep up with the rest of the band with one bass pedal. You try hitting the hi-hat with udders swelling out of your chest. Steve told me he’d kick me out of the band if he got squirted one more time with pus infested milk.”

Pantera Vocalist Phil Anselmo Weeks After Being Genetically Modified

Pantera Vocalist Phil Anselmo Weeks After Being Genetically Modified

Drummer mastitis is not the only problem that has come from Monsanto’s bold experiment. Other members of Iron Maiden have has been mutated by the process. Thanks to Monsanto, Bruce Dickinson has developed corn on several parts of his back, Janick Gers has become a giant cockroach and Dave Murray is good looking.

Iron Maiden isn’t the only band that has suffered due to the unintended consequences of science gone mad. Slayer guitarist Kerry King has developed a rare disorder where if he gets wet, tiny Kerry Kings will grow on his body, sprout and run wild, reeking untold mischief and horror on anyone nearby.

Suffocation vocalist Frank Mullen, who recently developed fallopian tubes in his nose as a result of Monsanto, has been an outspoken critic of the genetic modification of heavy metal artists. “When Monsanto came for the milk, I did not speak out. I was not a cow. When Monsanto came for the corn, I remained silent. I was not corn. When they came for heavy metal, there was no one left to speak for me. At least, no one without horns and a tail.”

, , , , , , , ,

3 Comments

Moshing Towards Bethlehem Or How Eugenics Can Save Heavy Metal

The Falcon Can't Hear The Falconer

The Falcon Can’t Hear The Falconer

(My brother-in-law BlaK Dan (or Zarathustra as he now likes to be called) has emerged from his cave in the mountains of North Georgia to eat a free meal at our house, scare my children with stories about Varg Vikernes and share his vision of how to save heavy metal from the forces of non-metalness.  My wife asks me, as a favor, to let him write for the site occasionally in order to feel “useful”)

Let’s face it folks, the heavy metal world is in crisis.  An invasion of hipsters, mall goths, meth-heads, beardos and garden variety morons have turned what was once a great scene into an embarrassment.  Things have gotten so bad, the other day I told a guy at a party that I listen to nothing but folk music and trip hop.  When you can’t turn on your television without seeing Ozzy Osborne’s wife hocking skin care products, when you hear the members of Savatage rocking out Christmas songs over the PA system at your local Wal-Mart, when 7/8s of the youth of America are unable to name a Metallica song besides “Enter Sandman”, when Iron Maiden spends the majority of their time writing 25 minute adult contemporary songs and selling craft beer…we are in deep trouble!

The center has not held.  Real heavy metal is dying a slow, painful death and it seems like there is nothing we can do to stop it.  Metal was once pure.  People wore their hair long, played loud and wore denim jackets with Venom patches on them.  But, those days are over.  At a metal show today, you are likely to see a nightmare panorama of Buddy Holly glasses, pink hair, iPhones, ear gauges, and Chelsea Grin shirts.

Some of this breakdown in heavy metal morality can be linked to environmental causes like radiation from the Fukushima meltdown and the widespread use of tetanus vaccinations.  However, the root cause of the deracination of true metal can be traced back to a much deeper, more profound issue.  That issue is genre mixing.

It started innocently enough.  A little bit of synth on an Iron Maiden album, Anthrax experimenting with hip hop, female vocalists fronting death metal bands, Slayer doing a punk album, Pantera… and all of a sudden we are in a vast wasteland of Deafhaven and pirate metal.  As we mosh our way into oblivion, it becomes more and more clear that desperate times call for desperate measures.  It seems unfashionable to talk about eugenics today in our politically correct world, but, the truth is, it is the only way to save metal from the dark, sinister forces of poseurness.

metal-kittens

Subhumans

It is obvious to anyone who spends five minutes at a concert or on a metal message board that there is a hierarchy of metal fans.  At the bottom of the ladder are the Hot Topicafied kids who tried to furtively ditch their Justin Beiber loving image by showing up to school one day in an Asking Alexandria shirt.  They are the heavy metal Untouchables.  If they are wearing a “Ride The Lightning” shirt, chances are they think that is the name of the band.  At any moment, they could rediscover the Miley Cyrus album they considered throwing out a week ago and leave the scene altogether.  But, they probably won’t.

They are slightly lower on the metal food chain then the hipster metalhead.  If you’ve ever seen a dude quoting David Foster Wallace while wearing a Liturgy shirt, you probably know whom I’m talking about.  Bookish, frail and generally annoying, these creatures secretly long to find someone else in the scene that owns every Paul Westerberg solo album.

Slightly above them are the dim-witted, slumped shouldered, neckless, meth-addled Pantera/groove metal fans.  They randomly shout Slayer at inappropriate times and ramble on about how they wish they could beat up more of the people lower on the metal totem pole.  They are noisy, poorly groomed, have enormous craniums and take Cannibal Corpse extremely seriously.  Each of them secretly hope you think they are mass murderers, in spite of the fact that they have never done much worse than feed a hedgehog to their pet python.  All of these groups fall into the subhuman metal category.

Those Worthy of Being Spared

Above them, there are better types.  You have your old school Florida death metal types (Children of Chuck), your loony bird power metal fanatics (Middle Earthers), the veteran thrasheads who saw Exodus on the “Bonded By Blood” tour (Oldbangers), the Eurofabulous obscuritarian types who wander the earth fantasizing about being perceived as the next Wagner (known as Thomas G Warriors, this group was nearly wiped out by the release of Cold Lake) and many other breeds of slightly evolved metalheads.  They are certainly not perfect, especially when they want to tell you for the six hundredth time how great Overkill was before Rat Skates left, but they are mostly harmless if kept separate from the upper classes.

The Brahmans

There are two groups of true Brahmans in the metal world.  First of all, you have your proto-Nietzschean, back to Mother Earth, church burning, Necronomicon quoting black metal fans (Ubermenschians).  They must be pure of heart and eardrum, because only they can actually tell what is happening on an early Darkthrone album.  To the lower castes, it is simply noise.  To them, it is art.

Above them are the serious New Wave of British Heavy Metal people (Metal Kings).  They get the Judas Priest album “Rocka Rolla” at both an artistic and spiritual level.  They can recite, from memory, every Diamond Head lyric.  They’ll never forget where they were the day Dennis Stratton left Iron Maiden.  These are the folks Manowar are really talking about.

The Problem

Were all metalheads to simply stay to themselves and not attempt contact with these other groups, things would probably be okay.  But, there has been a mixing of the castes over the past decade.  Oldbangers have bred with hipsters, Children of Chuck have mixed DNA with Panterites, Ubermenschians have mated with Thomas G Warriors, Metal Kings have blended with Hot Topicers, on and on South of Heaven.  Nowadays most of these metalheads openly admit to listening to other genres and even brag about associating with the lower and upper classes.  It’s gotten so that almost no one is pure anymore.

This is where eugenics come in (or UGH!genics, to the Thomas G Warriors).  The metal community needs to step in and enforce a series of measures designed to keep these groups from diluting the metal in the blood of the best of us.  Otherwise, all will be lost.

Metal's_not_dead

The Solution

Step #1:  Mandatory Sterilization of All Pantera Fans

These people tend to breed like rabbits.  The average Pantera fan has 9.71 children.  At this rate, by the year 2030, there will be more Pantera fans than people in Australia, Asia, Europe and South America combined.  Pantera genes tend to dominate all other metal genes, so the child of a Panterite and a Metal King will invariably become a Cowboy From Hell.  When they begin mixing with other metal fans, the possibility for a “Pantera Population Bomb” where the metal world is only able to support bands that sound like Pantera becomes a very real possibility

Step #2:  Deport All of The Lower Metal Classes to Greenland

Here’s how you do it.  You build a really big boat.  You promise most of them that Metallica will be playing a concert in Greenland where they will do nothing but songs from Kill’em All.  You’ll have to explain why this is significant to the Hot Topicers, as they will probably wonder if that means they will play “Until It Sleeps”.  Drop them off in Greenland and get out as fast as possible.  Occasionally, you can air drop the things they need to survive to them (copies of Spin Magazine for the hipsters, raw meat for the Panterites, and A Day To Remember hoodies for the Hot Topicers).

Step #3 Use Science To Create a Perfect Heavy Metal Being

The human race has yet to evolve to a point where we can scientifically generate perfect beings, but we have to prepare for a day when this is possible.  We must make an effort to collect all the DNA from people who purchased the first two Maiden albums on vinyl before 1983 and still have them in pristine condition.  We will use that DNA to one day create a Metal Messiah.  This Metal Messiah will destroy all those who have false metal blood and lift all those pure in thought and gene to their rightful place as masters of the lower animals.  And then, we won’t have to talk to them anymore.

, , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

21 Comments

Protests Erupt As Pantera Singer Announces Same-Sex Reunion Tour

Pantera

Fourteen activists were arrested yesterday afternoon in Muskogee, Oklahoma during a rally to protest Pantera’s plans for a series of heavy metal same-sex reunion concerts. The protestors were enraged by comments made by singer Phil Anselmo during a press conference last week.  The controversial singer announced an eleven state arena tour in which all members of the band on stage would be male (including a yet to be named male guitarist who will fill-in for Dimebag Darrell).

The “Far Beyond Homogeneity Tour” will feature the members of the band in tight tee shirts and jeans dancing provocatively while playing songs like “Domination”, “5 Minutes Alone” and even “Hard Ride” from the oft-forgotten Power Metal album.  The tour will be supported by metal legends Sodom.

The announcement sent religious groups into an immediate furor. Anthony Perkins, President of The Family Research Council and star of Alfred Hitchcock’s classic horror film “Psycho”, was particularly appalled by the announcement.  “Four men, writhing and squirming on stage in the unholy bonds of a heavy metal performance is not what God intended.  It’s perverse.  Metal should be between a man and a woman.”

Pantera

Same-sex metal performances are illegal in 39 of 50 states.  A few states like California and Iowa have recently passed ballot initiatives to allow these sorts of gatherings, while other states have grown more restrictive.

Recently, Mississippi outlawed same-sex water fountains while Alabama has gotten rid of same-sex bathrooms. Georgia has gone so far as to decree that men cannot use the same hairbrush or eat from the same buffet at Golden Corral.  The Kentucky State Legislature is currently considering a bill that would restrict same-sex consumption of funnel cake.

While some states have adopted radical stances against same-sex metal, others like Nevada have taken a more cautious approach favoring “don’t ask, don’t tell” legislation that does not require bands to disclose the gender of the band’s members.  Many politicians within the state, including gubernatorial candidate Ernest Rohm, believe that same-sex metal is fine as long as bands don’t go “waving their gender all over the place.”

In an October interview with Billy Graham’s Witchhunt Magazine, Rohm went so far as to claim he likes some heavy metal, has a few same-sex heavy metal friends and once employed a gardener who loved metal.  “Honestly, with all that long hair, you can’t really tell, in most cases at least, the gender of metal musicians.  I mean, Bon Jovi was my favorite band in the world until I realized Richie Sambora was a man.”

, , , , , , , ,

5 Comments

Breaking News: Phil Anselmo Bans Spikes, Bullet Belts From City of Austin

Phil Anselmo Hello Kitty

Citing last-minute “security concerns”, former Razor White frontman Phil Anselmo declared a ban on all spikes and bullet belts within the Austin city limits for the duration of the Housecore Horror Film Festival, which is has been in full-swing since Thursday, October 24.

“Anyone coming into town with any bullet belts, spikes, or studs will need to turn around and take them home,” said the singer, “you could leave them in San Antonio, or even San Marcos, but you can’t bring them here.”

Anselmo, best known for his performance on Pantera’s 1988 LP, Power Metal, then expanded his statement, saying, “In fact, I don’t think I want to see any wallet chains, combat boots, black clothing, or threatening-looking tattoos or piercings either. So if that’s your trip, you aren’t welcome here. That’s not what the Housecore Horror Fest is about.”

Whether or not this will put a damper on attendance at the festival remains to be seen. Stay tuned right here for up to the minute coverage of this breaking story.

EDIT: New reports from participating downtown venues confirm that all ticket holders will be allowed entry, provided they change into pink and white Hello Kitty t-shirts provided by festival promoters.

, , , ,

3 Comments

Comedian Jerry Dillon Retires “Phil Anselmo” Character

Phil Anselmo

Jeff AD is currently researching the connection between Pantera listening and spinal meningitis at University of West Virginia.  His book, Pantera, Whiskey and The New South, is scheduled to be released in October.  He is currently a contributing writer at Tyranny of Tradition.  He has a pancreas.

Actor comedian Jerry Dillon, best known for his long-running character Phil Anselmo, tells The Tyranny of Tradition that he is retiring his hard-rocking alter ego at the end of November. The decision coincides with the Housecore Horror Film Festival, ostensibly hosted by Anselmo, that will be held this weekend in Austin, Texas.

“It was a tough decision,” stated Dillon of his beloved character, “but after 27 years of portraying Phil, I feel like it had run its course. It’s still funny, and people enjoy it, but I feel like I’m starting to repeat myself.”

The versatile performer has portrayed several other characters on shows like Saturday Night Live and Chappelle’s Show, but it was the Anselmo persona that took Dillon to fame and fortune, albeit one that blurred the line between identities.

“Part of what made Phil a challenge is that I’d sometimes lose myself in there,” said the actor, “and I’d start to really think I was a brain-damaged redneck metal singer. And I always had to be ‘on’, whether it meant saying something totally stupid or doing an absurd live performance with one of the bands I created for Phil.”

The most popular “band” was Pantera, a heavy metal parody act co-created by David Wallace, who also portrayed guitarist Dimebag Darrel and participated in many skits and performances with Dillon. The two started collaborating in 1986 and proved to be a formidable comedy duo until they parted ways in 2003, which was punctuated by a staged break-up and feud. Neither actor broke character or discussed the genuine reasons for the split, though Dillon admits he was somewhat bothered by the way Wallace retired his character.

“That was pretty over the top,” he laughed. “Killing off the character on stage seemed kind of tacky at the time, because it upset a lot of our fans. Dave knew what he was doing, though. These days, the Dimebag character is more popular than ever.”

Indeed, merchandise for Pantera, Dimebag Darrel, and Phil Anselmo continues to rake in sales, and Dillon is satisfied with his legacy. But apparently the Emmy-winning actor is ready to move on.

“I’m looking forward to writing new material, acting with different people, and maybe coming up with some new alter ego to inhabit. I’ll always love being Phil, though. It was a blast to play him.”

Actor Jeffrey Wielandt, who often appears with Dillon and portrays the popular Zakk Wylde character, could not be reached for comment.

, , ,

2 Comments

%d bloggers like this: