Posts Tagged Pantera
Posted by Keith Spillett in Really Brilliant Things You Should Read But Probably Won't Because You Are A Pantera Fan on March 5, 2015
After a hoax involving the desecration of Pantera guitarist “Diamond” Darrell Abbott’s grave, angry Pantera fans have coalesced into a loose collective known as Panterrorists. Like most terrorists, they employ scare tactics in the form of threats, such as raping wives and beating people senseless in a bid to sow paranoia and fear against those who dislike Pantera.
The current alarm comes from a recent communication on Facebook, where Panterrorists have vowed to be bombed at an upcoming concert of embattled Pantera detractors, Death Toll.
“These [expletives] have said a lot of [expletive] about brother Dime,” said an unnamed commenter, who never actually met the slain guitarist, “and when you’re messing with Pantera, you’re messing with us! We’re gonna get bombed at the Death Tool show and shows these [expletives] what’s up!”
The message ended with a cryptic comment of, “walk on home, boy”. It is unclear to whom they are referring, though authorities believe the wording implies potential harm to a minor.
This is far from the first public threat issued by Panterrorists, as they have recently stated they will express their outrage at any disrespect towards their favorite band by getting bombed at national landmarks, airports, and on public buses. Additional alarm was raised when certain known conspirators also made references to unknown parties being stoned, as stoning is a popular method of jihadists around the world.
“Dime is a guitar god, I tell you what,” read a comment on a Pantera forum, posted by user FKNHOSTILE420, “and we’ll continue getting bombed until everyone knows it! Nobody is safe from us. We are stronger than all!”
The Department of Homeland Security is currently establishing a task force to prevent further bombing actions. “We will not allow these actions to continue, said Special Agent Frank Gosdzik at a press conference this morning, “nor will we bend to the will of Pantifa, the Pantaliban, or Panterrorists of any kind. Cowboys from Hell was total garbage, by the way.”
The Department is also offering a reward to anyone with information regarding the meaning of “getcha’ pull”.
Looks like the whole “Americans choosing not vaccinate their children crisis thing that everyone seems to be worked up about” has gone to a new level!
When a woman in Menlo Park, California showed up at a local emergency room with a nearly 6 foot tall, bearded 2-year-old with an “Unscarred” tattoo across her flabby stomach, doctors believed something might be wrong. It was then that Helen Doltberg revealed to the staff that she had not had her child vaccinated for any disease in the hopes of being more like some of the B-list, crackpot celebrities she stares blankly at on the television in her free time.
“Look, it’s a competitive world out there. How can I possibly expect to keep up with the demands of work and parenting while still trying to get my family its own reality show? The answer is…no vaccines.”
“Sure, Spumoni (Helen’s daughter) may end up with some virus that science eradicated decades ago, but it seemed just as likely that she would morph into some attention grabbing, cloven-hooved beast that television producers couldn’t ignore. We took a risk. But, we never expected anything like this.”
This would be the first reported case of Anselmo contracted in the United States since 2005. Back in 1938, Dr. Jonas Liposuct famously created a vaccine for the virus from mold that had accumulated on a 4-year-old Twinkie. Until the vaccine was created, over 20,000 Americans were infected with Anselmo on a yearly basis.
The long history of Anslemo-related deaths in the United States goes back to the 1700s when Sir Jeffrey Amherst distributed blankets infected with the disease to members of the Fugawi tribe in Massachusetts killing off nearly 90 percent of them within 3 weeks. Amherst later had a town and a college named after him in honor of his great spirit of generosity and creativity.
The first recorded case of Anselmo struck a group of Taters who contracted the virus by eating chimpanzees during their voyage through one of the Italian rainforests in the 1340s. The Taters went on to attack the Italian city of Caffa in 1346, but were so overwhelmed by the virus that they gave up their siege. Still, determined to inflict the maximum amount of suffering on the residents of Caffa in order to avenge the theft of The Sacred Spud from the Tater city of Fribourg back in 1273, they became the first army to attempt the use of biological warfare. The last remaining Tater soldiers vaulted Anselmo infected bodies over the city walls infecting the entire population of the city with the deadly virus as well as causing the city’s burgeoning thrash metal scene to adopt a more “groove-oriented” sound.
The Obama Administration was initially blamed for allowing an American to contract the disease, but claimed to have been too busy infecting dwarves with measles and rubella in their attempt to turn Disneyland into a FEMA concentration camp. Because Obama and his cabal of Kenyan communists were unavailable to be held accountable for this problem, the media has shifted its focus to blaming athletes who do not act as role models, Congressional gridlock, Craigslist, radical Islamic groups throughout the Middle East, people who receive welfare, the police, members of the rap group 2 Live Crew, Chinese toy manufacturers, puppy mill owners, and Casey Anthony.
Monsanto is a multi-national conglomerate known not only as an environmentally conscious citizen corporation, but a lover of good old-fashioned heavy metal. In the hopes of speeding up the production of heavy metal albums, the company has figured out a way to genetically alter metal musicians in order to reach their peek productive capacity.
According to Monsanto spokesperson Arthur Friendly, “Over the years we’ve seen a drop off in production from metal bands. It used to be that you could expect a band to put out an album every year, but nowadays you’re lucky if a band like Slayer or Iron Maiden put more than two albums per decade out.”
This is why, Monsanto, a corporation on the cutting edge of technology and the development of mutated humans and animals, has spent billions of dollars in research and development in order to a secret process to maximize the productive capability of bands.
Thanks to Monsanto, we can expect eleven Slayer albums, forty-two Testament records, and even seven Pantera LPs featuring a Frankensteinized version Dimebag Darrell in the next year alone. Even prog-death legends Necrophagist will have something out by 2019.
However, there have been a few unplanned side effects of Monsanto’s new process. Iron Maiden drummer Nikko McBrain was unable to play a concert last week in Liverpool when he came down with a case of swollen udders. “It’s hard enough trying to keep up with the rest of the band with one bass pedal. You try hitting the hi-hat with udders swelling out of your chest. Steve told me he’d kick me out of the band if he got squirted one more time with pus infested milk.”
Drummer mastitis is not the only problem that has come from Monsanto’s bold experiment. Other members of Iron Maiden have has been mutated by the process. Thanks to Monsanto, Bruce Dickinson has developed corn on several parts of his back, Janick Gers has become a giant cockroach and Dave Murray is good looking.
Iron Maiden isn’t the only band that has suffered due to the unintended consequences of science gone mad. Slayer guitarist Kerry King has developed a rare disorder where if he gets wet, tiny Kerry Kings will grow on his body, sprout and run wild, reeking untold mischief and horror on anyone nearby.
Suffocation vocalist Frank Mullen, who recently developed fallopian tubes in his nose as a result of Monsanto, has been an outspoken critic of the genetic modification of heavy metal artists. “When Monsanto came for the milk, I did not speak out. I was not a cow. When Monsanto came for the corn, I remained silent. I was not corn. When they came for heavy metal, there was no one left to speak for me. At least, no one without horns and a tail.”
Posted by birthad1 in General Weirdness, Really Brilliant Things You Should Read But Probably Won't Because You Are A Pantera Fan on October 25, 2013
Jeff AD is currently researching the connection between Pantera listening and spinal meningitis at University of West Virginia. His book, Pantera, Whiskey and The New South, is scheduled to be released in October. He is currently a contributing writer at Tyranny of Tradition. He has a pancreas.
Actor comedian Jerry Dillon, best known for his long-running character Phil Anselmo, tells The Tyranny of Tradition that he is retiring his hard-rocking alter ego at the end of November. The decision coincides with the Housecore Horror Film Festival, ostensibly hosted by Anselmo, that will be held this weekend in Austin, Texas.
“It was a tough decision,” stated Dillon of his beloved character, “but after 27 years of portraying Phil, I feel like it had run its course. It’s still funny, and people enjoy it, but I feel like I’m starting to repeat myself.”
The versatile performer has portrayed several other characters on shows like Saturday Night Live and Chappelle’s Show, but it was the Anselmo persona that took Dillon to fame and fortune, albeit one that blurred the line between identities.
“Part of what made Phil a challenge is that I’d sometimes lose myself in there,” said the actor, “and I’d start to really think I was a brain-damaged redneck metal singer. And I always had to be ‘on’, whether it meant saying something totally stupid or doing an absurd live performance with one of the bands I created for Phil.”
The most popular “band” was Pantera, a heavy metal parody act co-created by David Wallace, who also portrayed guitarist Dimebag Darrel and participated in many skits and performances with Dillon. The two started collaborating in 1986 and proved to be a formidable comedy duo until they parted ways in 2003, which was punctuated by a staged break-up and feud. Neither actor broke character or discussed the genuine reasons for the split, though Dillon admits he was somewhat bothered by the way Wallace retired his character.
“That was pretty over the top,” he laughed. “Killing off the character on stage seemed kind of tacky at the time, because it upset a lot of our fans. Dave knew what he was doing, though. These days, the Dimebag character is more popular than ever.”
Indeed, merchandise for Pantera, Dimebag Darrel, and Phil Anselmo continues to rake in sales, and Dillon is satisfied with his legacy. But apparently the Emmy-winning actor is ready to move on.
“I’m looking forward to writing new material, acting with different people, and maybe coming up with some new alter ego to inhabit. I’ll always love being Phil, though. It was a blast to play him.”
Actor Jeffrey Wielandt, who often appears with Dillon and portrays the popular Zakk Wylde character, could not be reached for comment.