Posts Tagged Power metal

Protests Erupt As Pantera Singer Announces Same-Sex Reunion Tour

Pantera

Fourteen activists were arrested yesterday afternoon in Muskogee, Oklahoma during a rally to protest Pantera’s plans for a series of heavy metal same-sex reunion concerts. The protestors were enraged by comments made by singer Phil Anselmo during a press conference last week.  The controversial singer announced an eleven state arena tour in which all members of the band on stage would be male (including a yet to be named male guitarist who will fill-in for Dimebag Darrell).

The “Far Beyond Homogeneity Tour” will feature the members of the band in tight tee shirts and jeans dancing provocatively while playing songs like “Domination”, “5 Minutes Alone” and even “Hard Ride” from the oft-forgotten Power Metal album.  The tour will be supported by metal legends Sodom.

The announcement sent religious groups into an immediate furor. Anthony Perkins, President of The Family Research Council and star of Alfred Hitchcock’s classic horror film “Psycho”, was particularly appalled by the announcement.  “Four men, writhing and squirming on stage in the unholy bonds of a heavy metal performance is not what God intended.  It’s perverse.  Metal should be between a man and a woman.”

Pantera

Same-sex metal performances are illegal in 39 of 50 states.  A few states like California and Iowa have recently passed ballot initiatives to allow these sorts of gatherings, while other states have grown more restrictive.

Recently, Mississippi outlawed same-sex water fountains while Alabama has gotten rid of same-sex bathrooms. Georgia has gone so far as to decree that men cannot use the same hairbrush or eat from the same buffet at Golden Corral.  The Kentucky State Legislature is currently considering a bill that would restrict same-sex consumption of funnel cake.

While some states have adopted radical stances against same-sex metal, others like Nevada have taken a more cautious approach favoring “don’t ask, don’t tell” legislation that does not require bands to disclose the gender of the band’s members.  Many politicians within the state, including gubernatorial candidate Ernest Rohm, believe that same-sex metal is fine as long as bands don’t go “waving their gender all over the place.”

In an October interview with Billy Graham’s Witchhunt Magazine, Rohm went so far as to claim he likes some heavy metal, has a few same-sex heavy metal friends and once employed a gardener who loved metal.  “Honestly, with all that long hair, you can’t really tell, in most cases at least, the gender of metal musicians.  I mean, Bon Jovi was my favorite band in the world until I realized Richie Sambora was a man.”

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Breaking News: Phil Anselmo Bans Spikes, Bullet Belts From City of Austin

Phil Anselmo Hello Kitty

Citing last-minute “security concerns”, former Razor White frontman Phil Anselmo declared a ban on all spikes and bullet belts within the Austin city limits for the duration of the Housecore Horror Film Festival, which is has been in full-swing since Thursday, October 24.

“Anyone coming into town with any bullet belts, spikes, or studs will need to turn around and take them home,” said the singer, “you could leave them in San Antonio, or even San Marcos, but you can’t bring them here.”

Anselmo, best known for his performance on Pantera’s 1988 LP, Power Metal, then expanded his statement, saying, “In fact, I don’t think I want to see any wallet chains, combat boots, black clothing, or threatening-looking tattoos or piercings either. So if that’s your trip, you aren’t welcome here. That’s not what the Housecore Horror Fest is about.”

Whether or not this will put a damper on attendance at the festival remains to be seen. Stay tuned right here for up to the minute coverage of this breaking story.

EDIT: New reports from participating downtown venues confirm that all ticket holders will be allowed entry, provided they change into pink and white Hello Kitty t-shirts provided by festival promoters.

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National Guard Called In As Protests Rock Atlanta’s Prog Power Festival

heavy metal protests

Brandishing signs saying “Better Pay, Shorter Solos” and “No Arpeggios, No Peace” musicians from The People For The Ethical Treatment of Power Metal Inspired Guitarists (PETPIG) clashed with the National Guard at Atlanta’s Prog Power festival on Thursday.  Many of the guitarists are angry about the difficult working conditions they face trying to play so-called “power metal”.

“You have no idea what it’s like,” said Bjorn Amadeus Mozart, guitarist from the band Frodo Baggins, “we are exposed to hours of high-pitched male falsetto vocals, often have to play complicated 25 minute solos, dress in tight pants regardless of our weight and spend hours of our free time reading obscure Robert Jordan novels in order to come up with lyrics to appeal to our audience.  We are tired of it.”

The big issue, according to PETPIG President and Samwise Gamgee guitarist Thor von Wagner, is pay.  “We are expected to carry the band with our classically-influenced, innovative riffing techniques and, yet, when we get our paychecks they are often similar to that of bass players, who basically stand there and “look metal” without exerting much effort.  You could hang a coat on a power metal bassist and they’d be just as useful.”

Power Metal Guitarists Threaten Good, Upstanding Americans With The Use of Dangerous "Pollen Baring Devices" At Prog Power

Power Metal Guitarists Threaten Good, Upstanding Americans With The Use of Dangerous “Pollen Baring Devices” At Prog Power

In spite of what seem to be a reasonable set of grievances, Georgia governor Nathan Deal has taken a strong stand against PETPIG, ordering the entire National Guard to Atlanta to stop the seven protestors from picketing in front of the event.  Citing Georgia’s strict “no public assembly if it in any way interferes with commerce” policy, Deal approved the use of tear gas and rubber bullets to break up the demonstration.

“The people won’t stand for a bunch of Sabaton listening hippie foreigners coming over here and causing a ruckus.  We barely survived influx of peace freak ‘community organizers’ in the 1960s.  It’s time we let them know that Woodstock is over!” screeched Deal into a megaphone from the steps of the Barrow County Elementary School to a bloodthirsty crowd of patriotic Americans.

Many members of the National Guard seemed confused by the sudden use of violence against protestors.  However, others seemed to understand that this sort of display of fascist brutality is simply away for Deal to appeal to his party’s base in his attempt to be reelected governor in 2014.  Still others relished the opportunity to engage in a rampage against people with long hair.

“I’ve always looked back on my father’s generation and thought they were the lucky ones.  They got to fight the battle for freedom right here within our borders back in the days before America became a Kenyan communist dictatorship. Where is our Kent State?  This is the sort of thing we need to do to take back our country from the power metal hippies who are currently taking people’s right to consume jumbo sodas in New York and preventing the children of Georgia from possessing the latest in military-grade weaponry!”

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