Posts Tagged Music
BlaK Dan Returneth To Speak To The Priests of Judas
Posted by Keith Spillett in Articles I Probably Shouldn't Have Bothered Writing, BlaK Dan's Theatre of Cruelty on May 25, 2026
I have returned to you, my people, with a message.
I slumbered in my basement in darkness with Bolt Thrower “In Battle There is No Law” on repeat. I had reached the outer limit of human experience, but was awakened by some eight-year-old kids doing Tic Toc dances on my front lawn. I shot at them several times before they returned fire and ran into the woods. But, regardless of the reason…I was awakened and now I returneth to you. The Bettleheim of the Blastbeat. The Borgia of Borknagar. The Scapula of the Soul of Sadistic Solipsisic Slayerism. For I am Blak Dan, and I can’t fall back asleep.
At first, I pondered my wasting words on you. Having to think them, a burden. Having to speak them, a chore. Having to write them, a punishment. But, I have stared into the abyss long enough now and have realized that the replies I thought I was getting were mere echoes. Which was disappointing. I thought I had found my soulmate. Instead, I peered into the sheer vacuity of my soul, mate.
I come not to speak on politics for you have already done that. Your opinions like maple syrup running into your collective hashbrowns. All opinions have been had and repeated. Scattered. Covered. Smothered. Chunked. Diced. And forgotten. Your blood sport no longer calculated in rational numbers on a scoreboard, now broken into electoral statements of condemnation of righteous hatred for thine neighbor.
I come not to speak of economics. For I know not of the math you now practice. I thought crypto a venerial disease and do not care if the Fed cuts rates. If it feels good, do it, I say. Inequality has always seemed fine with me. For I wade in a cesspool of inequality anytime I leave the house and suffer the presence of others.
For I am Post-Everything. In my slumber, I transitioned into a state of Meta-Post-Everythingness. You won’t understand what that means for another century, but trust me when I say, I seeeth. Deepethly. You are playing chess, whilst I am playing ten dimensional strip Parchesi with beautiful coed lizardwomen. You speak of numbers, yet can you even hear the One when I speak?
I come not to speak of wars or rumors of wars. Or rumors of Fleetwood Mac albums. For what price a man’s soul if he hasn’t truly understood the teachings contained in Tusk. Iran? Iran so far away, indeed.
I come to philosophize on a subject of consequence. Many of you use your words in the vain hope of persuasiveness. I need not persuade because I speak only in immutable truths and don’t bother with useless words like “Ouch, you’re stepping on my fingers” or “just take the battery out of the smoke detector and it’s no longer a problem”. I have only the truth at my disposal. Post-truth really. Post-meta-proto-truth. The type of truth only known to those who have gained enlightenment and then stumbled back into this mad charnelhouse of a planet looking for a good fibula to gnaw on can understand.
For whilst you concern yourselves with issues of politics, issues of power, issues of survival and other such banalities, I come to speak the words unspoken. Until I speak them. Which I’m going to do at some point. For as man seeith nations burn and fortunes spin like weeble-wobbles on the scorching hot pavement of time, I see only what needs seeing.
I speak these words to a specific audience. I have allowed many of you along for the ride, because the members and former members of Judas Priest have obtained restaining orders from your so-called “courts” and thusly, speaking directly with them is no longer possible for me.
For you, Judas Priest, you have sinned against nature. You have doneth the unthinkable. And you lie. Your snake-like tongues spit truthless venom in our ears. You pretend there never was a Jugulator. You gaslight the human species with your acquired, refined insolence. Your singer, that guy who was in that really good band called Fight, claims to never have even heard of what I speak. Yet, you hold Jugulator hostage in an Iranian Embassy of the mind. And you take from us, your adherents, the one moment of true perfection you ever achieved. For it is YOU Judas Priest, that deny us access to the song Cathedral Spires! J’accuse toi!
I have exerted and strained as I searched the so-called “internet”. Humbled myself before its streaming services. Scrolled and scrolled seeking even a mention of it. Allowed my mind to be devoured by millions of offers of essential oils that are no longer essential to me. Nary a word about it. Nary a suggestion. Nither a live recording with Mr. Halford singing. Nither a 25th anniversary remaster with studio outtakes of Mr. Downing screaming lines from Dante over an early abandoned riff to “Bullet Train”.
Only Ripper hath spoken truth. For it is he who remembers. He who has acknowledged the song’s legacy and deadly aftermath. He who speaks of rising up only to retire. He who still tires while watching the world expire.
He who shouteth the words “Cathedral Spires”.
And yet, he is forgotten to the pages of history. Written out like that cute kid Oliver on the Brady Bunch. Replaced by Mark Wahlberg in the movie and left to rot in the wretched refuse of former members of other bands. We speak not of Ripper or his sacrifice. Or of his glorious burden. We go on pretending Jugulator never was.
The absence you feel in your lives that you confuse with the death of meaning is merely the absence of this song. It is as if the entirety of the human experience led to one ultimate, defining moment. And that moment moulders in the cutout bin of human pathos somewhere between some 311 ripoff band and the only remaining copy of the Garth Brooks’ Chris Gaines CD left on the planet. And you mock it with your ignorance. We say “Jugu-later” when we really mean “Jug-u-never”.
So, I say to you, Priest of Judas, do not betray us with your lies! Do not place a crown of thorns upon this head of metal! Do not crucify us on this Cross of Brutish Steel! Bring forth a new recording of Cathedral Spires with Mr. Halford’s mighty voice intoning the words. Free Cathedral Spires from beyond the realms of death!
Uplift us, ye Priests. Uplift us, to where we can look down from those spires you promised and see all that we have wrought and all needs wroughting. Uplift us, to the downtuned soaring heights from which you left us dangling. For I am Blak Dan, and I command you! Bring forth the Spires, so I can renew my slumber and be free of this world!
Dave Mustaine, Jon Schaffer Led Metal Supergroup MAGAdeth Unite To Headline Trump’s Second Inaugural Ball
Posted by Keith Spillett in General Weirdness on January 18, 2025
In a bold stunning act of remarkable leadership, President-Elect Donald Trump has announced that he will begin his second term rocking out to the music of two all-time heavy metal greats together on the stage for the first time. One of Trump’s major campaign promises during his most recent campaign has been to “have the most metal Presidency of all time”. So, our great leader has seized on the Inaugural Ball to “Make America Metal Again” by putting together a show for the ages.
What do you mean I’m playing the Inaugural Ball?
Former Metallica guitarist Dave Mustaine has always been a favorite musician of the President-Elect. Trump once claimed to own every single Megadeth album on vinyl and has seen his band play at least 30 times, including driving his vintage 1988 I-Roc for 35 consecutive hours to get from New York City to Phoenix, Arizona because he had heard rumors the band planned to do a rare performance of the song “Killing is My Business…and Business Is Good” during their encore. On the campaign trail, Trump often would send his audience into raucous screams of joy by ripping off his shirt and revealing his Vic Rattlehead chest tattoo.
While our dynamic and magnificent leader has been a Megadeth fan since he first heard them in middle school, he has only recently warmed to Iced Earth. He seemed to enjoy some of the band’s music, occasionally praising the album “Horrorshow” publicly, but many Americans questioned his commitment to the band after he referred to them as a “second-tier metal act” during the 2018 State of the Union address, a comment that drew rare boos from fellow Republican lawmakers as well as from the filthy and degenerate members of the Democratic Party. However, in recent months, Trump has begun meetings with his future Cabinet members by playing “Night of The Stormrider” in its entirety before allowing them to speak. He even did a campaign stop in Gettysburg, Pennsylvania in order to pay his respects to the thirty minute “Gettysburg” Trilogy on the classic Iced Earth album “The Glorious Burden”.
Schaffer, who has recently struggled with irresponsible attacks by the highly partisan American judicial system, hasn’t performed in Washington DC since 2021. In recent months, Schaffer has been a fixture at Mar-a-Lago, advising the president on a wide range of issues from drop C tuning to monetary policy. Some insiders have speculated that he is on the President-Elect’s shortlist of potential replacements for Federal Reserve Chairman Jerome Powell when his term expires in 2026. Trump has even hinted a change at the Fed could be coming sooner if the price of milk does not drop below forty dollars a gallon by the end of the year.
Regardless of what role Schaffer and Mustaine will have in the new administration, the incoming President has made a strong statement by combining these two metal heavyweights to cap off the evening’s celebration. Initially, The Village People and Billy Ray Cyrus were scheduled as co-headliners, but the President-Elect insisted that the celebration be a reflection of the old school metal vibe he plans to bring to this great nation.
To round out this fearsome quartet, Trump has called upon System of a Down drummer John Dolmayan and future Ambassador to Israel and bassist Mike Huckabee. There has even been speculation that conservative guitar legend and incoming Secretary of Defense Ted Nugent might join the band on stage for a show-stopping solo during the encore.
The group has been feverishly working secretly for the past few weeks in preparation for the event. This was a challenge for each band member, but for Schaffer in particular, who is not only a musician but an entrepreneur. He recently founded Maced Earth, a company that sells a wide range of hunting equipment including bear spray, stunguns and guillotines. But, these Americans put our great nation above all else in order to give the best performance they can on January 20th, a day so important many Americans have demanded it be made into a holiday.
Special Thanks To The Pollunator Gonkulator for his reporting
2014 In Review: Year of The Metal Subgenre
Posted by Keith Spillett in General Weirdness on April 3, 2013
A near tsunami of new metal bands came to the forefront of the American music scene in 2014. After Obama signed the controversial law in 2013 that outlawed country music, boy bands and songs by coke addicted former Mouseketeers, metal began to take off as the most popular form of musical expression in the land.
A wave of new bands brought in a flood of popular subgenres. After all, how can you possibly catch the attention of an audience numbed into a near coma by a never-ending stream of cute kitten pictures on their computer without some sort of hook?
Years back, a number of metal bands figured out that by coming up with new subgenres you can effectively con the audience into the belief that they are experiencing something totally state-of-the-art. This was a brilliant assessment, because truthfully, there are only so many ways you can cook an egg. If you take the story out of metal, it’s mostly just a bunch of sweaty, badly dressed people making loud noises for a bunch of sweaty, badly dressed people who are apoplectically staring into The Nothing.
Honestly, how different is one three and a half minute thrash song from another? Is technical death metal really all that unique in comparison to, say, regular old garden-variety death metal? Thus, God created the subgenre and gave us a way to turn tiny, obscure distinctions into whole schools of thought and belief. One man’s doom is another man’s sludge, as the old saying goes. Or something.
When the next civilization digs through the rubble a thousand years from now and finds all the 2014 issues of Metal Maniacs it will be clear, this was The Year of The Metal Subgenre. So, it is with great pleasure that I present to you the best new subgenres created in 2014 along with the band that best represents that style.
New Wave of Soviet Socialist Metal (NWOSSM or NWOCCCP)
When I think about 1980’s power metal, my mind often drifts to the Soviets. Many people would argue that very little great creativity came out of Russia and its satellite states in the 80’s. Clearly those people haven’t heard some of the early albums by Lenin’s Tomb or Khrushchev’s Shoe. As young Russians look back on the glorious days of bureaucratic inefficiency that marked the end of the Soviet Empire, many of them have started playing the music that dominated that era.
Best Band: Iron Curtain
Unblackened Yachtcore
This quirky fusion between the raw, earthy tones of Christian black metal and 1970 and 80’s soft rock caught fire in 2014. Many music aficionados were looking for a way to reconcile their passion for the music of Michael McDonald and the songs of Darkthrone. This cutting edge subgenre gave them the perfect combination. Lyrically, it blends elegant prose from the New Testament with poignant stories about the dreams and inner longings of Yuppies.
Best Band: Captain Trips and Tenille
Proto Originalist Doom
Who would have believed that doom metal could possibly be blended with the text of Supreme Court decisions written by Antonin Scalia in order to create a new style of music? Dark, heavy, Sabbath inspired guitar riffs are used here to celebrate the spirit of unbridled judicial restraint and the idea that just about every thought that was formulated after 1787 is entirely worthless.
Best Band: Woe vs. Wade
Post-Marxist Extremely Technical Progressive Rawlsian Eco Thrash (PMETPRET)
More of a social movement than a style of music, PMETPRET bands have attempted to use technical death metal as a tool of creating social justice and encouraging recycling.
Best Band: Fates Warming
Anatomical Glam Grindslam
Grindcore was a dying subgenre until it caught an infusion of hair metal earlier this year. Something about the idea of putting together the catchy, party rock stylings of bands like Poison and Cinderella with the fierce brutality of early Carcass and The County Medical Examiners struck a chord with the American public.
Best Band: Twisted Blister
New York City Viking Hardcore (NYHVC)As most Americans know, a Viking gang crime wave hit New York City in early 2014. Alienated young teens joined Viking gangs in droves and pillaged many of the stores and homes that were not guarded by people with assault rifles and high capacity magazines. NYHVC has become a way of expressing their rage at our dysfunctional social order.
Best Band: Freyahazard
Heideggerian Ontological Powerviolence (HOP)
If you are like most Americans, you feel deeply offended that you grew up in a culture that has been thoroughly shaped by Cartesian Dualism. You also probably wonder how you can best disclose being-in-the-world as a whole. And you probably own at least the first four Spazz albums (the ones they did before they sold out). It is not a coincidence that HOP music caught on overnight and became the top selling subgenre in metal in 2014.
Best Band: Being-Toward-Death-Angel
Old School Hebraic Nu-Metal
The most surprising comeback in 2014 was the resurgence of Nu-Metal, only this time instead of “borrowing” style and imagery associated with African American culture these musicians began stealing traditional Jewish themes.
Best Band: Limp Brizkit
Symphonic Free Market Hayekia’N’Roll
In an attempt to connect with younger, hipper Americans, The Heritage Foundation, in conjunction with the Koch Brothers, have spent over 30 billion dollars creating melodic death metal records in order to spread the message of free market intellectual titans like Milton Friedman and the guy who invented the chicken sandwich.
Best Band: Children of Serfdom
New Amon Amarth Album To Focus On Thor’s Bout With Male Menopause
Posted by Keith Spillett in Articles I Probably Shouldn't Have Bothered Writing on March 27, 2013
In a year packed with anxiously awaited album releases, few have garnered as much enthusiasm as Amon Amarth’s “Hypogonadism Of The Thunder God”, expected sometime later this year. The record focuses on a period later in Thor’s life where he experienced issues with reduced libido, rapid mood swings and hot flashes. Amon Amarth often focuses on well-known Norse mythological themes, but this album sheds new light on a time in Thor’s life that he was often embarrassed to speak about publicly.
After Thor’s second battle with Jormungand, he went through a particularly difficult stretch of time where he felt a significant decrease in energy and an overpowering urge to read the poetry of Robert Bly. His lack of masculine enthusiasm caused resentment from many of the women in Thor’s life, including his wife Sif. Even Thor’s once mighty hammer began to lose its potency. In order to “get his groove back”, Thor left his home and meekly wandered around the Land of Giants for several years until he found Viagrund, the Norse god of male enhancement. Upon drinking a magic potion, Thor reclaimed his vitality and triumphantly marched back to Asgard ready to punish those who opposed his ever-stiffening will.
Amon Amarth’s tribute to Thor’s season of listlessness will feature several powerful tracks including “For Testosterone Or Death”, “A Beast I Was” and “Thor Barely Rising”. The first single “Wrath of The Dysfunctional Norsemen” is expected to hit the airwaves in the next few months.
Rumors have been swirling that the Albanian Ailmentcore scene will be a major influence the new Amon Amarth record. Singer Johan Hegg recently did a concert while wearing a Pica shirt. Pica is, of course, the Albanian Ailmentcore band that made headlines after eating two guitars, a bass, a drum kit and 100 pounds of potting soil during a concert in February. There were even reports that the band was considering covering a song off of Fish Odor Syndrome’s seminal 2008 debut album “For The Halibut”, but the band has denied that any covers will be on the LP.
The Sound of Joyous Suffering: A Retrophiliac’s Review of Horisont’s “Second Assault”
Posted by Keith Spillett in Pointless Music Reviews on April 2, 2012
Listening to the new Horisont record “Second Assault” is an adventure in time travel. You don’t simply listen to the record, you hurdle backwards towards it. I am in a darkened, smoke-filled bar. Twenty or so spectators in different states of inebriation hoot and howl arhythmically as the band spews molten rock’n’roll. Half the crowd looks like Popeye Doyle, the other half look like Tuesday Weld. A poorly dressed, ratty haired bunch of skinny kids reach into their chests and pull out their guts in the quixotic attempt to find a higher plane if even for a moment. Their suffering is ours.
It’s an imperfect fantasy, mostly because of the smoke. That itchy, uncomfortable feeling of unfamiliar scum clouding your vision. Not knowing whether to choke or sneeze. Somehow it doesn’t matter and it does. Rock’n’roll itself comes with a bit of discomfort. Loving it is a masochistic pursuit. Horisont gets that in spades. They explode everywhere, like a wayward roman candle knocked on its side. They are dangerous, blistering and blood-fanged; they are the sweat in your eyes and the exhaustion of endless impossibility.
The 70’s reek of old carpet and cheap cologne. The food isn’t nearly as good, the beer is almost always flat and no one seems to have air conditioning. The world was a dark and foreboding place. Nearly every worthwhile movie of the era ended with the protagonist getting his or her head blown off and the great forces of evil crushing the spirit of the individual. Hope seemed ridiculous. As they marched to the hangman, they wore a gallows cool on their sleeve that those living in the airbrushed, cleaner than clean, hyper polished new frontier no nothing of. Horisont belongs there and not here. When I hit play, I am there with them.
Occasionally, I hear a record where song titles don’t matter to me. I don’t want to know what the tune is about, where it was recorded or who produced it. I could care less about the album art and knowing the town where the band started playing is simply an annoyance. I just want to hear the music. Again and again. When the album completes its long-winding journey to nowhere, I can think of nothing but finding the button that will make it start all over again. For me, Horisont “Second Assault” is that type of album.
MTV to Manowar: “We’re Sorry About All The False Metal”
Posted by Keith Spillett in General Weirdness on March 27, 2012
In an unexpected move, MTV and their parent company Viacom today issued an apology to the metal band Manowar for what they referred to as “crimes against true heavy metal”. Kurt Jamerson, MTV’s Vice President of the Council on Metalhead Affairs, issued a short statement thanking Manowar for their commitment to “keeping it real” all these years and refusing to play on anything below 10.
“At first, MTV started with the best intentions, but soon, our programming became a hodgepodge of hair metal and, eventually, rap metal. We left no room for artists who were committed to true metal in its most pure, unsullied form. For this, we are deeply sorry.”
While MTV did acknowledge that it had shows like Headbanger’s Ball where some true metal was played it admitted that for every one true metal song they played viewers would see “Talk Dirty To Me” by Poison or “Cherry Pie” by Warrant over a thousand times. According to statistics revealed by MTV, the network’s true to false metal ratio was as high as 1 to 100,000, an unacceptable number for a network who prides itself on being on the cutting edge of music. After years of extensive lobbying by Manowar, the network has admitted its mistake.
In the press conference following the announcement, Jamerson, who has been with the network for 24 years recalled “I remember getting a letter from Manowar. The one they talk about in the song Blow Your Speakers. It was a sheet of paper that had the words ‘What’s going on, man. Don’t you care about me’ scrawled on it in barely legible handwriting. Below it was a childlike drawing of Thor driving his hammer into the head of Vince Neil. I was deeply touched by the words and picture. I realized that, as a network, we’d been playing on about 7. That day, I swore an oath to one day get the network to admit its faults.”
MTV has no plans to follow the announcement by adding more true metal to their programming. Instead, they announced in the same press conference that they plan on extending the series Jersey Shore to a 9th season. Jersey Shore, along with several other programs featuring highly intoxicated, perplexed looking white kids wearing their pants too low, currently comprise 20 of the network’s 24 hours of daily programming.
Many industry analysts have speculated that the announcement was part of a settlement with Manowar. The band had brought a 523 billion dollar lawsuit against the network for being “posers”, but the lawsuit was unexpectedly dropped last Friday. During the press conference, MTV offered each member of Manowar a Whitman’s Sampler, but there is no evidence that money changed hands.
The True Metal Reparations Movement, created by Manowar to heal historical injustices against the armies of true metal, still claims to be at war with most of the major rock radio stations in America for being “losers who better learn that no one controls our goddamn lives.”
Whatever the outcome of the trial, Manowar have vowed to not stop until the armies of true metal triumph over the years of historical oppression. “When Odin is in the Valley of Doom and Slepnir rides across the starry, blood filled skies, those who did not sell out and wear polyester suits or other crackerjack clothes will be redeemed,” read bassist Joey Demaio’s lawyer, Abraham Freidman, in a written statement given at the MTV press event. “No one can tell us that we must turn down…..NO ONE. No one can tell us that we do not control the night……NO ONE. We are the immortals. We have won a great victory for metal that is real today. Tomorrow, we conquer the world!”
The Purest Man In All Of Heavy Metal
Posted by Keith Spillett in BlaK Dan's Theatre of Cruelty on August 28, 2011
Blak Dan after winning his award. He refused to show his face to the camera out of the fear of losing some of his purity.
The Tyranny of Tradition is proud to announce that this year’s prestigious award for The Purest Man in All of Metal was presented this morning to BlaK Dan Krutzmeyer of Mechanicsburg, Pennsylvania. BlaK Dan won the award in 2010-11 for his undying commitment to the cause of real, black, pure, true heavy metal. We had a chance to catch up with him after this morning’s ceremony at The Radisson Hotel in Kenosha, Wisconsin.
Tyranny: BlaK Dan, we are really excited to catch up with you on such an important day. How are you feeling?
BlaK Dan: Bleak, man. Bleak. Before we go any further, I need to straighten something out with you. My name is no longer BlaK Dan. Two months ago I had it legally changed to XxxxZyr. XxxxZyr was Odin’s nephew’s horse. The original name of the horse had some vowels in it, but I removed them because vowels are feminine and, thus, impure.
Tyranny: Vowels are feminine and impure?
XxxxZyr: Yes, vowels imply weakness and girlishness. Allowing any form of femininity to enter into my soul would make me less pure. I refuse to use vowels. It takes away from my inner purity.
Tyranny: So, do you have a girlfriend?
XxxxZyr: No, I refuse to weaken myself by communicating in any way with women. I rarely will talk to men either. When I do, I try to communicate in a long dead language like Aramaic. That way, our conversation will be more pure. I have agreed to use an impure language like English for this interview as part of the terms of receiving my award, but I plan on never using this contaminated language again.
Tyranny: Okay, moving right along. XxxxZyr, I’ve heard you are in a metal band. What sort of music do you play?
XxxxZyr: My band is a one-man project. We are called grrrvkw, in honor of the sound humans make when yawning, one of the few truly pure things a person can do. To play my music, I go out into the deepest part of the forest with my guitar. I find a cool, quiet spot as far from civilization as possible, where I can capture my inner essence and then I roll around in leaves for an hour. When I emerge from the leaves, I play one dark note and hold it for three hours. I do this four times a day. I will not defile my music by playing it in front of an audience or recording it. I’ve got to keep it pure, man.
Tyranny: What sort of music do you enjoy listening to?
XxxxZyr: Okay, first of all, I do not enjoy anything. Enjoyment is a weakened state. It allows one to become out of touch with their inner-purity. I enjoy nothing.
Second of all, I will only listen to the purest forms of metal. Nothing impure will enter my ears. I used to listen to bands like Iron Maiden, but I realized that by recording their music, they sold out. The only pure thing they did was a recording Steve Harris’ mother accidently made of him crying when he was two days old. I own a copy of it on vinyl and listen to it from time to time. That was before they started selling out and playing music for “people”. Everyone who has ever recorded anything or played anything in front of other humans or even thought for one second about the effects of their music on others is a sell-out and I have no time for them.
Tyranny: What are your goals and plans now that you have been declared the most pure man in all of metal?
XxxxZyr: Well, first of all, I want to make it clear that this award doesn’t matter to me. I don’t need to be told I’m pure by anyone else. You are speaking to a man who spent a lifetime looking into the darkest and purest of internal voids. I need nothing from you. As a matter of fact, your very presence diminishes me.
In terms of goals, I am looking for a job where my understanding of purity will be an asset. I long to one day become a metal message board administrator. I could spend the next 60 years of my life making sure that threads are not polluted by comments that go off of the exact theme that the person who began the thread meant. All sarcasm, humor and other weakening agents will be eliminated under my reign. This sort of defilement of message boards should be punishable by death.
Tyranny: Congrats on the award, XxxxZyr, and good luck.
XxxxZyr: Okay, again, you are missing the point. I feel nothing but hatred in its purest form in this moment. As the gods intended it. I do not accept your praise, because by doing so I am lessening myself. I plan on tossing this award into a blazing fire when I return to my cave. I have polluted myself by being near others. This ritual is shameful and I hope to never experience anything like it again.
Members of Morbid Angel Eat Crosby, Stills, Nash and Young in Bizarre Promotional Stunt
Posted by Keith Spillett in General Weirdness on August 6, 2011
CSNY Only Moments Before Being Ingested By Morbid Angel
In an attempt to revive sluggish sales of their new record, Ilud Divinum Insanus, Florida death metal band Morbid Angel ate all four members of 60’s pop supergroup Crosby, Stills, Nash and Young in a paganistic blood ceremony last night in Des Moines, Iowa. While the move was thought by many to be too extreme, Morbid Angel felt that they owed this to their fans. According to Vincent, “Several of our legion of metal warriors were disappointed by the latest release. We wanted to reach out and let them know, in no uncertain terms, that we are still committed to the values that once made us great. In eating these aging rock legends, we sent a message that Morbid Angel is back.”
Apparently, the band had been hunting Crosby, Stills, Nash and Young for over a month. After several near misses, they finally captured them backstage at the Iowa Peace and Freedom Festival after a beautiful encore of “Teach Your Children”. Initially, the band had only considered eating David Crosby, but the opportunity to devour the entire group proved to be tempting to resist. Morbid Angel was particularly lucky to have consumed the band in the State of Iowa, one of three remaining American states that have not outlawed cannibalism. “Every once an a while the good lord hands you a golden opportunity,” said guitarist Trey Azagthoth, “we knew it was the right thing to do.”
The eating of Crosby, Stills, Nash and Young follows a recent trend of gormandizing grizzled rock veterans. Earlier in the month, Deicide singer and all around nice guy Glenn Benton ate the leg of Scottish singer songwriter Donovan during a spirited version of “Hurdy-Gurdy Man”. Country Joe McDonald, of Country Joe and the Fish fame, survived an attack of bloodthirsty members of the band Malevolent Creation by hiding all night in an abandoned farmhouse waiting for police. Clearly, Morbid Angel’s devouring of an entire band was meant to up the ante and bring death metal to the next level.
Since last night’s attack, Morbid Angel has received nearly 10,000 rambling letters of support. One letter was nearly 800 pages long with nothing but the phrase “Mormo loves me, Mormo loves us” scrawled again and again in red finger paint. Vincent claims he has been asked by several fans for his recipe. “Young was quite dry. It was important to add a good deal of cumin and sherry to overcome the taste of years of whiskey and bad living. The rest of the group required very little seasoning. Graham Nash was particularly delicious!”
As of now, Morbid Angel has no plans to eat any other celebrities, although with the declining economy, many Americans are expected to resort to cannibalism as grocery store shelves become emptier by the day. Morbid Angel’s record label, Seasons of Mist has already begun to capitalize on yesterday’s events by selling tee-shirts with “Crosby, Stills, Nash, and Young” crossed out and replaced by “Breakfast, Lunch, Snack, and Dinner”. Rumors have circulated that a Morbid Angel human cookbook called “Morbid Angel Cooks With The Stars” may be available in time for Christmas.
Borne Back Ceaselessly Into The Past: A Psychological Review Of Gentlemans Pistols “At Her Majesty’s Pleasure”
Posted by Keith Spillett in Pointless Music Reviews on June 20, 2011
I wish I could go back to 1972, listen to Gentlemans Pistols new record “At Her Majesties Pleasure” in the era it was meant to be recorded and stab Richard Nixon’s Chief of Staff H.R. “Bob” Haldeman in the skull with an ice pick. Okay, maybe not the last part. Haldeman wasn’t such a bad guy. He rocked that weird flat top hairdo that became the style in mid-90s rap music and became the best chemist Lompoc Federal Prison ever saw. He would have dug the new Gentlemans Pistols record for it’s pure grit and bile-ridden effluence. He was as malevolent a man as ever walked the earth. Supposedly, he tried to have Jim Nabors killed because he wouldn’t play Julie Nixon’s wedding. I heard that once from a guy in a sauna in Davenport, Iowa.
Gentlemans Pistols is a collection of outstanding British musicians including Mr. William Steer, who gave my life meaning by writing riffs for Carcass that would have made Ed Gein recite Walt Whitman poems to a crowd of smiling 3rd graders. Steer hasn’t lost a step. The riffs that he and James Atkinson put on this album are pure roll around-in-the-gutter filth. They buckle your knees like a 3-2 curveball and do not ask for your permission to continue.
Backwards in time to another place. Transported to all that was seedy and repugnantly gorgeous about 70’s bar room rock’n’roll. You are in a pool hall swilling cheap, half-flat beer being stared down by two menacing looking Hell’s Angels. Not the modern Sons of Anarchy watching yuppies who go cycling between trading soybean futures, but the old school Sonny Barger led head-mangling, spleen eater types. “Midnight Crawler” bellows in the background and you are completely there. Everything is in its place.
At some point the whole retrofitted 1970s rock thing is going to get old. The formula is, in fact, criminally simple. However, put in the hands of poets like these a 3-minute-song can feel like a shimmering vacation into the dark heart of all that is ugly and cruel. Something in their tone screams for your undying allegiance. You would crawl through glass just to hear “Into The Haze” once more. They are on the mainline, hooked into the Universal Generator and driving ceaselessly into the storm. This is the purpose for which rock’n’roll was intended. Not to be background music in the local Target or to be recited soullessly by an army of never-ending American Idol contestants, but to remind us of what visceral chaos lives just below the surface of our pristine, orderly world.
Bob Haldeman Would Have Understood
U.S. Supreme Court Bars Morbid Angel From Putting God-Awful “Radikult” Song On New Record
Posted by Keith Spillett in Articles I Probably Shouldn't Have Bothered Writing, General Weirdness on June 2, 2011
The Supreme Court today ruled 7 to 2 in a case forcing Morbid Angel to take that terrible Radikult song off of their soon-to-be-released Illud Divinum Insanus album. The record, whose title translates to ‘This Is Probably Going To Alienate Our Fanbase”, is anticipated to be one of the most significant releases in metal this year. The song has reportedly caused spontaneous vomiting and bleeding from the eardrums among its first listeners. In a majority decision, Chief Justice John Roberts wrote, “What the hell were they thinking? That’s gotta be the worst song I’ve ever heard. We have reason to fear for the health and sanity of anyone who hears it. I need to take a damned shower after hearing that thing.”
The case, People With Good Taste in Music Versus Morbid Angel (2011), is the first time the high court has ruled on a song that sucks. The Court decided to create a precedent in this case because they believed that Radikult was so miserably bad that it was their solemn duty to intercede. Roberts seemed to be appalled by everything about the song. “It starts off with the silly 80’s techno sounding drumbeat and you think they are going to break into a cover of Bell Biv Devoe’s ‘Poison’. Then, David Vincent starts saying ridiculous things that just don’t belong in a metal song or, really, anywhere else. When Vincent says ‘We’ve been crossing the line since 1989,’ I looked over at Justice Thomas and just started laughing. We could not believe it!” noted Roberts in the decision.
Several fellow Justices filed strong concurrences in support of the ruling. Justice Antonin Scalia’s began his with the words, “Free speech be damned! It is the right of listeners to not have to ever hear anything that bad. The First Amendment was clearly not written to protect people who write horrendous industrial metal or shady looking Floridians. “ Justice Samuel Alito chimed in writing, “Is this the same band that wrote Chapel of Ghouls? I mean, this is Morbid Angel…MORBID FREAKIN’ ANGEL! These guys were Gods!!!!! There is no place for this sort of garbage in a free society. If I had my way, we’d have banned that horrendous Destructos vs. The Earth song as well.”
In an equally vigorous dissent, Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg replied, “I have a good deal of respect for Morbid Angel for trying something new here. Okay, yes, it is a complete train wreck, but I worry this sort of ruling will have a chilling effect on other bands trying to take a more experimental route with their music.”
The Court has ordered that Morbid Angel take all copies of the album containing the “Radikult” song and dump them in a landfill 12 miles north of Passaic, New Jersey “with all deliberate speed”. They have also ordered the National Guard to Clearwater, Florida to make sure the band complies with their ruling.
Listen to Radikult here before listening to it becomes a felony…..Living Hardcore Radikult!!!!!!
The Tyranny of Tradition 
