Posts Tagged Death Metal

Metalheads Storm US Embassy in Cleveland; Demand End To Opeth Song

Chanting “Death to King Crimson Influenced Prog Metal”, thousands of enraged metalhead protesters stormed the US Embassy in Cleveland last night burning, looting and thrashing everything in sight.  The protestors, enraged by a 4-year-long performance of Opeth’s “Black Rose Immortal”, tossed copies of Opeth albums along with several mellotrons onto a burning pyre just inside of the embassy gates.

Opeth began performing the song at Cleveland’s famed Agora Ballroom back on September 12th, 2008 and have been unwilling to conclude the song in the years since.  The song was meant to be the finale to a highly successful show, but it kept going on.  First for hours, then days, then weeks, then years.  The crowd, which was filled to capacity at the start of the song, began dwindling.  By December of that year, only 7 fans were left in the building, but the band played on.

Alfredo Garcia, the head promoter for the Agora, has tried everything possible to get them off of the stage.  The sound was unplugged, the lights were turned out, a court order was issued to remove them, the local police attempted to tear gas them, he even hired a gang of hooligans and disgruntled Browns fans to rough the band up, all to no avail.

The people of Cleveland had finally had enough.  Groups of wild-eyed protestors camped out in front of the Agora to try to force them to stop.  When that didn’t work, they marched on the US Embassy and held over three months of boisterous demonstrations imploring President Obama to call out the National Guard in order to end the song.

Frustration and anger finally boiled over when a popular local Cleveland radio station made the mistake of playing Opeth’s “The Leper Affinity”.  Several metalheads began scaling the walls of the compound and a full-scale invasion took place.  Miraculously, only one person was injured, a 34-year-old man whose bullet necklace exploded while he was helping to set a car on fire.

In an exclusive interview with Tyranny of Tradition, Opeth frontman Mikeal Akerfeldt claimed that the band would eventually finish the song but “hadn’t yet gotten to the bass solo or the 2-year-long piano outro.”  He was stunned by the chaos the song had caused.  “We have to be living in a pretty ridiculous world to have music cause this level of violence and hatred.  You’d have to be a highly deluded fool to attack an embassy based on one piece of artistic expression,” lamented Akerfeldt right before he launched into an unprecedented 1467th acoustic guitar break.

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Parents Believe Listening To Vader Caused 9-Year-Old To Grow Hooves

Charlie Narveson's Hands

Charlie Narveson’s Hands

Martha and Aaron Narveson have done their best to raise their 9-year-old Charlie the right way.  He attends a good school, has eaten a healthy diet for the better part of his life and is an altar boy at one of the top rated churches in the country.  They have followed all of the habits and rituals that should have resulted in a creating a well-adjusted, perfect 9-year-old.  However, they were astonished last year when Charlie awoke with a severe case of equamanusitis, a rare condition where a person spontaneously grows hooves.

At first, they believed that environmental factors had led to their son’s horse-like transformation.  They had a complete diagnostic workup done on the water in their home.  They checked their basement for radon.  They had Charlie checked for an additional thyroid gland.  They even had a local priest perform an exorcism on Charlie and Irma, the family’s Yorkshire terrier.  After all of the obvious possibilities had been exhausted, they began to realize the problem was right under their nose.

They had bought Charlie a copy of Vader’s 2006 record “Impressions in Blood” for his 8th birthday, mistakenly believing the album was music to one of the Star Wars films.  Charlie immediately fell in love with the album, particularly the song “Field of Heads”, which he listened to everyday before going off to school.  Once the parents started thinking about the album, all the pieces fell into place.  “Charlie started listening to Vader, then he grew hooves.  Cause and effect.  It’s obvious what happened to him.  We should have known it was the problem all along,” said Martha in an exclusive interview with Tyranny of Tradition.

The parents immediately stopped Charlie from listening to Vader and rushed him to Dr. Clint Murphy, an expert in the field of Vader related illnesses.  According to Dr. Murphy, Vader’s crushing rhythms and punishing vocals penetrated the inner walls of Charlie’s cerebellum and caused his body to have a strange and rare reaction.

As odd as this condition seems to be, Dr. Murphy treats over 100 patients a year who have had physical problems caused by exposure to Vader albums.   He’s seen Vader listeners have problems that run the gamut from minor respiratory issues to a woman from Muncie, Indiana who suddenly began growing scallions out of her back.

Charlie has stayed clear of Vader for three months, but his hooves are still with him.  He no longer has the urge to whinny at passing cars or eat carrots out of his parents’ hands, but he certainly has a long way to go.  According to Dr. Murphy, if he can stay Vader-free for the next year or so, he might return to his old self.  If not, the parents are planning on entering him into the Belmont Stakes in 2015.

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U.S. Supreme Court Bars Morbid Angel From Putting God-Awful “Radikult” Song On New Record

The Supreme Court today ruled 7 to 2 in a case forcing Morbid Angel to take that terrible Radikult song off of their soon-to-be-released Illud Divinum Insanus album.  The record, whose title translates to ‘This Is Probably Going To Alienate Our Fanbase”, is anticipated to be one of the most significant releases in metal this year.  The song has reportedly caused spontaneous vomiting and bleeding from the eardrums among its first listeners.  In a majority decision, Chief Justice John Roberts wrote, “What the hell were they thinking?  That’s gotta be the worst song I’ve ever heard.  We have reason to fear for the health and sanity of anyone who hears it.  I need to take a damned shower after hearing that thing.”

The case, People With Good Taste in Music Versus Morbid Angel (2011), is the first time the high court has ruled on a song that sucks.  The Court decided to create a precedent in this case because they believed that Radikult was so miserably bad that it was their solemn duty to intercede.  Roberts seemed to be appalled by everything about the song.  “It starts off with the silly 80’s techno sounding drumbeat and you think they are going to break into a cover of Bell Biv Devoe’s ‘Poison’.  Then, David Vincent starts saying ridiculous things that just don’t belong in a metal song or, really, anywhere else.  When Vincent says ‘We’ve been crossing the line since 1989,’ I looked over at Justice Thomas and just started laughing.  We could not believe it!” noted Roberts in the decision.

Several fellow Justices filed strong concurrences in support of the ruling.  Justice Antonin Scalia’s began his with the words, “Free speech be damned! It is the right of listeners to not have to ever hear anything that bad.  The First Amendment was clearly not written to protect people who write horrendous industrial metal or shady looking Floridians. “ Justice Samuel Alito chimed in writing, “Is this the same band that wrote Chapel of Ghouls?  I mean, this is Morbid Angel…MORBID FREAKIN’ ANGEL!  These guys were Gods!!!!!  There is no place for this sort of garbage in a free society.  If I had my way, we’d have banned that horrendous Destructos vs. The Earth song as well.”

In an equally vigorous dissent, Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg replied, “I have a good deal of respect for Morbid Angel for trying something new here.  Okay, yes, it is a complete train wreck, but I worry this sort of ruling will have a chilling effect on other bands trying to take a more experimental route with their music.”

The Court has ordered that Morbid Angel take all copies of the album containing the “Radikult” song and dump them in a landfill 12 miles north of Passaic, New Jersey “with all deliberate speed”.   They have also ordered the National Guard to Clearwater, Florida to make sure the band complies with their ruling.

Listen to Radikult here before listening to it becomes a felony…..Living Hardcore Radikult!!!!!!

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