Posts Tagged Thyroid
Swedish Government Bans Windmilling
Posted by zenaphobe67 in General Weirdness on May 19, 2014
King Carl Gustaf XVI has become the next in a long list of world leaders to throw his weight behind the war to end all wars, The War On Metal. Using a medical controversy to justify his actions, King Gustaf has issued an edict that bans windmilling in public and private places until further notice. The ban effects all of Sweden, and states that anyone found windmilling will be fined 10,000 krona and will be exiled to picking up litter around the fjords wearing a rotary sensitive shock collar.
Sweden, which many may know, is famous for its Swedish fish candies and it’s ratio of 87 Viking metal bands to one synthpop band, is the windmilling capital of the world and this ban is seen as a royal overreach aimed at subduing the metal subculture into irrelevance. Many Swedes feel that this move was inspired by the recent outbreak of fighting in the hills of Afghanistan, where drone attacks are indiscriminately targeting mosh pits and corpse paint store fronts. The metal community in Sweden has been reeling from several previous attempts to link them to harmful behaviors, the last being a fabricated whistle blower hit piece in which many bands were accused of testing music on lab animals.
Several news agencies received anonymous VHS tapes with footage that can only be described as criminal and twisted, that shows scenes from inside an alleged “Sound Chamber of Satan” where hundreds of Eurasian Pygmy Shrews are strapped into very small cots and subjected to hours of death metal at a time. At one point in the video, the shrews have been moved into what looks like a coliseum and are hacking away at each other with swords and axes. Later shown to be a fraud , the tapes irreparably damaged the reputation of metal in Sweden and began to move public attitudes in a negative direction.
Capitalizing on this momentum, the Ministry of Health investigated a study done by Arch Enemy titled, “Windmill Your Way To A Healthy Thyroid” and alleged that the positive results could not be duplicated during double blind testing and they then turned their attention to similar reports released by the bands Dismember, Bloodbath, and At The Gates. The health benefits of windmilling hearken back to the early Vikings, and it is used in many holositc metal health treatments. Windmilling is said to cure seasonal allergies, planters warts, and even hypothyroidism, but is dismissed as pseudo science by the medical community.
In a full on media blitz, the Ministry of Health released a document dump of 2200 “studies” which linked windmilling to ailments ranging from male pattern baldness to spinal kyphosis. Public service messages were aired featuring so called “Ex-millers” giving their testimonies of how windmilling had destroyed their health and MP3 collections.
Arch Enemy vocalist, Alisa White-Gluz, says she is saddened by the political weaponizing of the innocuous tradition of windmilling and has begun to form a coalition of the milling to resist further stigmatization of the windmilling community. In the wake of the prohibition, small, secret cells of windmillers are springing up to provide practitioners of this gentle art an outlet to let their hair down and avoid the prying eyes of the law. Lobbying efforts to overturn the ban have begun by the powerful and influential cervical collar industry, as the criminalization of windmilling has brought cervical collar sales to levels not seen since the Swedish disco craze of the 1990’s.
Parents Believe Listening To Vader Caused 9-Year-Old To Grow Hooves
Posted by Keith Spillett in General Weirdness on June 18, 2012
Charlie Narveson’s Hands
Martha and Aaron Narveson have done their best to raise their 9-year-old Charlie the right way. He attends a good school, has eaten a healthy diet for the better part of his life and is an altar boy at one of the top rated churches in the country. They have followed all of the habits and rituals that should have resulted in a creating a well-adjusted, perfect 9-year-old. However, they were astonished last year when Charlie awoke with a severe case of equamanusitis, a rare condition where a person spontaneously grows hooves.
At first, they believed that environmental factors had led to their son’s horse-like transformation. They had a complete diagnostic workup done on the water in their home. They checked their basement for radon. They had Charlie checked for an additional thyroid gland. They even had a local priest perform an exorcism on Charlie and Irma, the family’s Yorkshire terrier. After all of the obvious possibilities had been exhausted, they began to realize the problem was right under their nose.
They had bought Charlie a copy of Vader’s 2006 record “Impressions in Blood” for his 8th birthday, mistakenly believing the album was music to one of the Star Wars films. Charlie immediately fell in love with the album, particularly the song “Field of Heads”, which he listened to everyday before going off to school. Once the parents started thinking about the album, all the pieces fell into place. “Charlie started listening to Vader, then he grew hooves. Cause and effect. It’s obvious what happened to him. We should have known it was the problem all along,” said Martha in an exclusive interview with Tyranny of Tradition.
The parents immediately stopped Charlie from listening to Vader and rushed him to Dr. Clint Murphy, an expert in the field of Vader related illnesses. According to Dr. Murphy, Vader’s crushing rhythms and punishing vocals penetrated the inner walls of Charlie’s cerebellum and caused his body to have a strange and rare reaction.
As odd as this condition seems to be, Dr. Murphy treats over 100 patients a year who have had physical problems caused by exposure to Vader albums. He’s seen Vader listeners have problems that run the gamut from minor respiratory issues to a woman from Muncie, Indiana who suddenly began growing scallions out of her back.
Charlie has stayed clear of Vader for three months, but his hooves are still with him. He no longer has the urge to whinny at passing cars or eat carrots out of his parents’ hands, but he certainly has a long way to go. According to Dr. Murphy, if he can stay Vader-free for the next year or so, he might return to his old self. If not, the parents are planning on entering him into the Belmont Stakes in 2015.
The Tyranny of Tradition 