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Posted in General Weirdness on June 16, 2015
We haven’t seen kids this scared of #2 pencils since the SAT’s
We here at the Tyranny of Tradition have received an avalanche of phone calls and carrier pigeon messages from parents who are beside themselves with terror at what is being called the biggest revival of the occult since the release of the movie Leprechaun 9.
Kids all across this nation are putting themselves at possible risk of demonic possession by taking the so called Charlie Charlie Challenge and we feel it necessary to use our influence to drown out the voices of the perpetual killjoys who are calling it a hoax. We know hoaxes when we see them, and this is certainly not a hoax.
Charlie Benante Flashes The Charlie Charlie Gang Sign
So, what exactly is the Charlie Charlie Challenge and how does it work? Think of it as a poor man’s version of the Ouija board, but with access to spirits that appear to be in this country illegally.
Occult expert, Glenda Benton inform us that,
“By using a piece of paper and two pencils, unsuspecting children can fashion a gateway to gain access to the collective power of a legion of Mexican demons that have taken the jobs which American demons refuse to fill. Through the careful balancing of one pencil atop another on a paper divided into quadrants that are marked “Yes” and “No” respectively, the participant calls out, “Charlie Charlie, are you here?”, and this powerful incantation rips the fabric of space and time and exposes your vulnerable child to malevolent, Latino spirits. Occultists across the globe are still sifting through ancient texts to find the connection between the name Charlie and the South American forces of evil, but we have come up empty handed thus far.”
I’m Charlie Charlie Diablo, Ask me anything!
As news reports have poured in about kids as young as 6 risking their eternal souls by summoning these demons, there has been vigorous debate in Congress on how to stem the tide of wickedness pouring across our spiritual borders. Semi-reliable sources tell us that leading the charge is Gordon Klingenschmitt, a moderate Republican from Colorado who is known for his sensible approach to the issues facing this county.
Congressman Klingenschmitt is co-sponsoring a bill with The Archangel Michael (R) aptly named The Gordon Klingenschmitt And Michael The Archangel Bill To Protect The Country Of Jesus From The Charlie Charlie And Cinnamon Challenges.
Gordon Raising The Roof Against All Enemies Foreign And Imaginary
A leaked copy of the Bill contains several measures which would be implemented to keep America safe, which include
- Tax cuts for the top 1% and the total deregulation of all corporations. Taxes and regulations are forbidden in the Bible and their existence emboldens demons and devils.
- Banning all abortions with no exceptions for incest, rape, or facehugger impregnation. No one should get a free pass to enter Heaven under no circumstances.
- Mandatory gun ownership by every citizen. Demons only target children because they can’t legally posses firearms.
- Dismantle the Food Stamp and School Lunch programs. Demons are averse to possessing hungry kids.
- Prohibit the possession of #2 pencils.
Posted in General Weirdness on May 18, 2015
Corporate Friends With Benefits
Koch Industries, America’s most influential and wealthy corporate person in history, has scored a major victory for the free market today by purchasing the Sun. Like most non productive pieces of real estate, the Sun has been a drag on the solar system for far too long, but like with any other problem in life, it’s nothing that a few billion dollars and an army of lobbyists can’t solve.
The Sun has been seen by many on the political right as a model for socialism and entrepreneurial malaise, looted by moochers and takers for its life sustaining properties with zero return for shareholders. The concept of renewable energy has known ties to Marxist Nazi ideology, and has been foisted on impressionable schoolchildren for decades via socialistic fascist propaganda efforts such as Mr. Roger’s Neighborhood and Captain Planet, as well as aspartame free Pepsi and un-fracked drinking water.
Thanks to the Koch brothers America will no longer live in leftist darkness and grope through the night of solar hand outs and dependency, but will have the freedom to participate in the solar marketplace free of the influence of job killing big government.
Solar Fascism Destroying American Values
As they awaited for President Obama to retrieve the title deed for the Sun from the depths of the Hillary Clinton’s secret cache of 3.5″ floppy discs, the Koch brothers laid out their plan for the future of solar enterprise. Firstly, every American will be required to sign up for Koch Care. In order for all Americans to experience the joys of energy independence, they will need to obtain the needed technology to harness it’s never ending capitalistic freedom.
Koch Care entitles citizens to roam the sun soaked streets of old time America in a variety of job creating ways, the most basic of these being the Coolie Hat. The Coolie Hat gives the wearer a means by which to gather photons in an economical manner for use throughout the day. Each hour of sunlight will be stored in a tar sand battery and will emit a generous cloud of red, white, and blue carbon dioxide to help keep winter heating costs down.
Coolie Hat (Pancreas Pump Not Included)
The second component of Koch Care is harnessing the power of liberal rage. Ever since the dawn of time, liberals have generated tremendous amounts of wasted energy in the form of rage, from Neanderthal Snorg bemoaning the killing and eating of innocent nuts and berries, to Ronald Reagan advocating Second Amendment destroying legislation in the Brady Bill, liberal anger has been a squandered natural resource. To this end, Koch Care is taking several steps to ramp up liberal rage production.
One means is to use the newly acquired Sun to burn the useless coal and oil supplies America will find itself with through operation Coal Chamber. By buying the now defunct NASA from Ted Cruz for pennies on the dollar, operation Coal Chamber will utilize the space shuttles to haul excess coal and oil to the Sun for incineration. To optimize liberal rage production, the space shuttles will be fitted with 18 foot diameter smoke stacks to leave giant plumes of black smoke as they exit Earth’s gravity. America will once again be the envy of the world as her liberal rage storage grids burst at the seams, ready to be sold back to an unsuspecting public through programs such as Fox News and QVC.
Actual Liberal’s Head Exploding Literally
As one would expect,Democrats are already condemning the Koch’s solar acquisition and want to impose new taxes on the wealthy to pay for a Moon sized mirror to reflect free sunlight to pale children and families working less than 5 jobs. Democratic presidential hopeful, Dewy Givemore, is proposing new legislation to build the giant mirror with a sales tax on bottled fracking water and life saving pancreas pumps. Representative Givemore has also formed a committee to study the side effects of Coolie Hats on the endangered Spotted Mugwump and the link between aspartame and blast beat deficiency in black metal fans under 12 years of age.
Post Blast Beat Deficiency Syndrome
Posted in General Weirdness on February 16, 2015
Nutritionists are calling for the FDA to reclassify gluten as a Class 4 toxin after Bruce Jenner went public with allegations that General Mills has been tampering with his DNA using the high dose GMO gluten found in Wheaties cereal.
Jenner has been the subject of a smear campaign in tabloid journals which accuse the former athlete of transitioning from a man into a female, but Tyranny sources may have uncovered evidence that Jenner is still a man in a man’s body, doing manly things. People who know of Jenner say that his new look is the culmination of 45 years of eating Wheaties and the subsequent free radicals that have inflamed his pancreas to five times it’s normal circumference.
At first, Jenner seemed to be enjoying the effects gluten was having on his physique, noting that he often was mistaken for Axl Rose in public and was repeatedly accosted by roaming bands of 40 something dudes who wanted him to autograph their knuckles, but as time wore on, so did gluten’s toll on Jenner’s health and relationships.
The Jenner residence has become a nightly stop for Malibu police ever since neighbors have begin to complain of “raucous singing at all hours of the night that sounds like Ethel Merman belting out Knock Knock Knocking On Heaven’s Door wearing weasel infested bloomers.” Kris Jenner has reached out to the public and has asked for drivers who see Bruce running down the highway with Wheaties boxes on his hands and feet to refrain from tossing gluten containing substances from their car windows and turn off any Guns ‘N’ Roses songs that might be playing.
Gluten has become a very controversial substance recently, and the Jenner tragedy has many people asking themselves if they might be at risk for gluten transmitted diseases when they enjoy all you can eat breadsticks or snack on a Pop Tart? Research has shown that consuming at least a half cup of aspartame before consuming gluten containing foods significantly reduces the chance that the sickness you die from will be gluten related. Homeopathy has also proven a good first line of defense against gluten contracted dehydration. As with all health concerns, always be sure to consult at least six or seven anonymous Internet personalities for health advice, and at a bare minimum, do not have your children vaccinated, just in case.
Posted in General Weirdness on November 18, 2014
In a bold move to show his willingness to commit to bipartisan solutions in 2015, President Obama has announced he is sacking FDA Commissioner, Margaret “Quarter Pounder” Hamburg, and giving control of the FDA to none other than G.G. Allin.
Obama, who many pundits believe is trending towards complete mental and emotional collapse, has been recently observed running around the White House lawn at all hours of the night naked and bleeding while howling indecipherable song lyrics. His appointment of Allin coincides with his “Fear and Loathing” 2nd term agenda, a stark contrast to his “Hope and Change” message from six years ago.
Ever since 19 Americans contracted Ebola from eating overregulated meat products, the FDA has been under fire from Republicans and Democrats alike. Allin seems like just the man to bring sanity back to the Food and Drug Administration.
G.G.Allin faked his death in 1993 to escape the punk rock lifestyle and pursue his interests in micro pig breeding and aspartame mining. Those who knew him intimately recall that Allin was always striving to help people reconcile their differences and overcome their phobias surrounding bodily fluids and extreme cuddling.
Allin’s surprising appointment is intended to allow for less red tape and more botulized red meat for an American public who “just wants government to get out of their lives”.
According to House Speaker, John Boehner, many Republicans see this appointment as too good to take at face value, and are cautioning of a possibly more sinister agenda below the surface. Allin’s connections to the aspartame mining industry is raising a few eyebrows in Congress.
Aspartame has been a hot button issue ever since President Obama signed an executive order last year requiring a restructuring of the well known Food Pyramid. The order, commonly known as “To Aspartame A Land”, has mandated that an additional foundation to the food pyramid be added to reflect the need to consume a minimum of 10-12 servings of aspartame daily in order to maintain optimal pancreatic health.
Critics of the new food pyramid allege that Allin’s appointment may be a conflict of interests, as he owns a 93% stake in Hawaii’s aspartame mines. This questionable appointment comes only days after Michelle Obama’s Marxist school lunch program mandated that all lunches contain at least 65 percent aspartame and 10 percent spinal fluid.
Democrats that support the President’s decision to discharge Margaret Hamburg warn that Allin’s appointment could send the wrong message to the two thirds of voters who stayed home this November. With Rikki Rockett and Gene Simmons recently being tapped to hold seats in the President’s administration, liberals fear that Obama is projecting a level of instability not seen in politics since H. Ross Perot had to be forcibly gagged and carried off the stage by security guards during a 1996 Presidential debate. They are also concerned that young voters, many of which have been alienated by a corrupt and ineffective political system, will begin choosing video games and social media over direct involvement in the American political process.
Congressman Ted Cruz, the lone socialist in the Republican party, opined on the House Floor today that, “When being a musician is seen as qualifying a person to make decisions about what is safe or not safe to consume, is it any wonder that demoralized young people will throw in the towel and never believe that they too can be something in this country?”
“Isn’t it time the President focus on issues important to the American people, like restoring Christian as our official language or recognizing a corporation’s religious freedom to marry and merge with the love of their choice?”
Time will tell if Allin has what it takes to bring America back to sensible levels of fecal content in its mercury-laden flounder and free market solutions to marketing new products like genetically modified pork rinds.
Posted in General Weirdness on October 27, 2014
In a sign of President Barack Obama’s increased isolation and mental instability, he announced yesterday that Kiss frontman and star of the Oscar nominated Rutger Hauer film “Wanted: Dead or Alive” will take over the position of Surgeon General vacated by Regina Benjamin early last year. The appointment comes days after his appointment of Poison drummer Rikki Rockett to the position of Attorney General.
Conservative leader Ted Cruz responded to the appointments by claiming Obama was part of a vast left-wing conspiracy to turn the United States from “capitalism to glam-unism”.
Sources close to the President have voiced concern about his recent schizotypal fixation with Kiss. His bizarre appearance at a recent fundraiser for Georgia Senatorial candidate Michelle Nunn while dressed in Peter Criss kitten makeup has been cited as a sign of his mental deterioration. While rumors earlier this week that he planned on naming Ace Frehley head of the Joint Chiefs’ of Staff because of his work with the Kiss Army were unfounded, many pundits have speculated that Obama is nearing a “complete break with reality”.
Obama, who recently endorsed a horse named “Love Gun” in the race for Republican Pat Roberts’ Senate seat in Kansas, has been seen wandering the hallways of the White House during the middle of the night while singing songs off of the 1984 Kiss album “Animalize”.
Although the Simmons decision has called into question Obama’s sanity, some experts believe that this move is actually a stroke of genius. Former Surgeon General C. Everrett Koop rose from his grave on Sunday morning to endorse Simmons as “America’s only hope to stop the spread of Ebola”.
Other commentators have noted that while the decision is reminiscent of the final days of Caligula’s reign in Rome, the nomination of Simmons was meant to be an olive branch to Republicans. Simmons has all the marks of a politician acceptable to today’s Republican Party. His unfailing narcissism, ability to grab headlines by saying things that are meant to provoke the public into drooling fits of rage and general lack of knowledge of how government actually functions are all thought to be positive traits among rank-in-file conservatives.
Simmons, who was recently named to Rolling Stone’s list of the greatest living average bass players, immediately accepted the position in an interview on Fox News minutes after his phone call from the President.
According to Simmons, “If my knowledge of infectious disease has kept me clean after 460,000 intimate relationships with the opposite sex, I think I may be the guy you want to talk to when an outbreak rocks the nation.”
Simmons, who has been dubbed “The God of Plunder” by several media outlets, announced the “Kiss Ebola Goodbye Initiative” during the interview. The program will involve the government purchasing 1.4 billion dollars worth of Kiss merchandise along with all of the remaining issues of Gene’s short-lived men’s lifestyle magazine “Tongue” in order to help curb the outbreak of the deadly disease.
Posted in General Weirdness on July 31, 2014
Virginia’s U.S. House District 7’s primary results have just suffered a major upset in what is being called the most prolific case of voter fraud since Chicken and Waffles beat out Sriracha in Lay’s custom flavor potato chip contest.
The hotly watched primary for Eric Cantor’s House seat seemed a cut and dried victory for Republican candidate Eric Cantor, but Tea Party candidate, David Brat swooped in to claim victory. Now, a suspicious tweet has thrown the entirety of District 7’s election integrity into question.
In the weeks following the unlikely upset, Eric Cantor had been spending his days locked in a room at the local Motel 6, where he has reportedly done nothing but play his Lawrence Welk vinyl 78 collection at 45 rpm’s and search the Internet for some clues as to how he could lose to a guy who thinks schools ought to be replaced with large, flat rocks for kids to sit on and learn as Plato did.
As luck would have it, Twitter supplied just the clue Cantor was looking for, “Imma master of disguise! My Brat makeup fooled everyone!” @WesBorland #StealDistrict7FromCantor
After Cantor alerted Virginia’s election board of this tweet, local law enforcement stormed the home of Wes Borland and brought him in for questioning . Sources tell us that Borland was quite uncooperative at first, unwilling to even make eye contact unless he was given grease paint and burlap sack to wear, but warmed up a bit when police brought one of their Metro Mime Squad operatives to gain his trust.
Sources close to the incident report that Tea Party candidate David Brat was nothing more than a special effects fiction according to Borland’s confession. Borland has held a deep grudge against Eric Cantor ever since Cantor advised Representative Paul Ryan to delete Limp Bizkit from his MP3 player and replace them with Gordon Lightfoot songs.
Borland reportedly showed some concern that such a large segment of the population was eager to vote for a candidate who advocates replacing the stars on the American flag with crosses and making “Christian” the official language of the United States.
As a caution against Borland stealing the 2016 Presidential elections, Eric Holder has reportedly put Borland under strict surveillance, and agents have reportedly confiscated 225 Ronald Reagan disguises from Borland’s special effects compound 3 miles below the Earth’s surface. Cantor has demanded that a run off election be held between himself and the goat, Mr. Fizzles, who came in third place during the primaries.
Posted in Uncategorized on July 3, 2014
Former Celtic Frost front man, Thomas Gabriel Fischer aka Tom G. Warrior, is allegedly considering pursuing litigation against the one hit wonder 80’s band, Wall of Voodoo for copyright violation concerning their alleged smash hit, “Mexican Radio”. Metal fans will recall that the song “Mexican Radio” appeared on Celtic Frost’s 1987 album Into The Pandemonium and seemed completely out of place among such tracks as Inner Sanctum and Babylon Fell, but Frost fans were so enraged by the album’s stylistic departure from the former Morbid Tales and To Mega Therion, that “Mexican Radio” barely registered on their collective ragedar. Since Wall of Voodoo released “Mexican Radio” in 1983, there seems to be a bit of confusion as to why Warrior might be suing over a song that he didn’t record until 1987. Documents obtained through the Freedom Of Metal Information Act confirm that there was never any legal agreement sought by Wall Of Voodoo to purchase rights from Warrior to record a song, so we sent our astute reporting team to Zurich Switzerland to track down the truth, which strangely enough, starts in a frozen yogurt shop. Blastbeat Robins employee, Alexandre Federspiel, was working the day that Warrior seemed to experience a metal breakdown,
“It was a Friday, and I had just filled the fro-yo machine with a batch of Monsanto Melon Chunk yogurt and I turned around and Tom G. is standing there at the counter glaring at me. He tells me to get him the usual, which is a six hundred and sixty six gram serving of Blacker Than The Blackest Black Black Licorice with chocolate ganacheous sprinkles, and he suddenly gets this squirrelly eyed expression on his face.
I couldn’t figure out what was going on, and before I can give him his yogurt, he’s running from person to person asking them what song is playing on the sound system and then sprints out the door. I focused a minute and realized the song coming through the speakers is Mexican Radio, but not Radio like I’ve ever heard it before, this was, obscene sounding, like the time I heard A Dying God Coming Into Human Flesh played on the harpsichord and kazoo by that Mennonite praise band that is always pestering me for free samples. Sickening.”
With leads quickly drying up in Zurich, we were pleased to reach one of Tom G’s agent, Mr. F. via ticker tape to get some insight into just what caused Mr. Warrior such distress. Mr. F. confirmed to us that Mr. Warrior was highly disturbed by the fact that he had no idea that another version of his song even existed, especially a version that was released 4 years prior to his recording that selfsame song. In his efforts to come up with a plausible explanation, Mr. Warrior posited that the lead singer for Wall of Voodoo, Stan Ridgeway, must have broken into his home sometime around 1983 and heard Tom singing Mexican Radio’s precursor, Tijuana Transistor, in the shower and stole it for his band. This theory only has one problem, Stan Ridgeway was under house arrest in 1983 for stealing cans of pork and beans from conveyance stores and pouring them over his head while exposing himself to Mormon missionaries. When we brought this to Mr. F’s attention, he replied back that Mr. Warrior was deeply distressed that his initial theory has proven to be incorrect and that he has started corresponding with Stephen Hawking, a well known Triptykon fan, about the possibilities of wormholes and time travel. Anyone who is interested in assisting with Mr. Warrior’s legal expenses may make a tax deductible donation to his non profit organization, Black Metal Beanies.
Posted in General Weirdness on May 29, 2014
Pope Francis raised many eyebrows last week when he announced that he wouldn’t have any qualms with baptizing a Xenomorph or Body Snatcher if they sincerely accepted Jesus into their heart and promised to only kill for food, not fun, but this week, the Pontiff is upping the Catholic ante even more. His Holiness has determined that Oderus Urungus will be sainted.
Anticipating the imminent arrival of intergalactic extraterrestrial visitors who feel an urgent need to turn from their evil lust for riches and pleasures of the flesh, the Pope has deemed it necessary for the church to provide a patron saint to whom these E.T.’s can relate to. Without a saint to whom they can pray, the Pope fears that a lot of aliens will lose heart in their search for the meaning of life beyond the meaning it currently possesses.
Pople Francis presented his case before the Council of Saint Making and asked, “Who else but Oderus Urungus could fill this void? The Predator? That spider face with dreadlocks and a skull fetish? Nay my friends! E.T.? That little scrotal looking guy with the glowing finger and a Reese’s Pieces addiction? Absolutely not! Only Urungus can bring the joy of stigmata to our interplanetary seekers.”
Eyewitnesses outside the Vatican gasped in surprise when putrid green smoke billowed from the chimney of the Sistine Chapel, confirming that the canonization of Oderus Urungus had been finalized. Some Catholics are less than enthusiastic about the choice of Urungus, feeling that the Popes stint as a roadie during the ’92 America Must Be Destroyed tour played heavily into the decision.
Sister Mary Margaret Macmillan, one of the most outspoken opponents of the canonization of Urungus, released a statement to the press, “The Holy See has apparently lost his mind, only John Carpenter’s Thing has the versatility to get into the hearts and minds of those whom would become living sacrifices for the one, true Space Lord. I hope the first death pod hits the Vatican and immolates the Pope!”