Five Zombies In Search of A McRib

The Nexus of the Crisis and The Origin of Swarms

They were banging wildly at the windows.  Bloody, barbeque sauce stained hands clutching at whatever they could grab.  We had kept them at bay by throwing of the store’s stock of McRibs through the drive-thru window into the parking lot.  The horde of undead monsters gobbled them up, consuming them in a grotesque span of seconds. In their fiendish delirium, they could no longer tell the difference between human life and a dollar ninety-nine cent sandwich (2.99 in some markets).  The five of us were about to become a very unhappy meal.

There was Janet, the waitress, Addams, the cop, McBain, the lawyer with great hair, and The Doctor.  They had gone through their lives secretly wondering when their hour would finally come round.  They never would have believed they would perish terribly, mistaken for a limited time sandwich.  I had dressed well, anticipating teaching an excellent day of thought provoking history classes.  Instead, I was going to be eaten by zombies at my local neighborhood McDonald’s.

Janet:  We should feed them something else.

Addams:  We should not feed them, it will just encourage them.

McBain:  We should reason with them.

Me:  We should run.

Doctor:  I’m a doctor.

Janet:  We should scare them.

Addams:  We should shoot them.

McBain:  We should trick them.

Me:  We should hide.

Doctor:  I’m a doctor.

Janet:  We should climb out through the air conditioning ducts.

Addams:  We should set off an explosion in the parking lot.

McBain:  We should wait for the army to save us.

Me:  We should help them.

Doctor:  I’m a doctor!

(Banging on the windows is growing louder)

Janet:  We should feed them the cop.

Addams:  We should feed them the lawyer.

McBain:  We should feed them the poor.

Me:  We should try to understand them.

Doctor:  I’m a Doctor!

Janet:  We should fight them with our mop handles.

Addams:  We should make an example of one of them and scare the others.

McBain:  We should poison the McRibs, then feed them to the zombies.

Me:  We should educate them.

Doctor:  I am a….Doctor!!!!!

(More zombies pounding on the windows.  The zombie moaning is becoming intolerable)

Janet:  We should protest their actions.

Addams:  We should show no fear.

McBain:  We should see if we can pay them to go away.

Me:  We should build them houses.

Doctor:  I……AM…..A…..DOCTOR!!!!!!

Janet:  We should raise their taxes!

Addams:  We should use our weapons!

McBain:  We should offer them a simplified tax code that does not punish job creators!

Me:  We should offer them adequate dental care!!!!

Doctor:  I am a doctor…I am a doctor….I am a doctor!  I’m a Doctor!!!

(The glass in the main window begins to crack.  Zombies swarm towards opening with horrific glee.)

Janet:  We should pray with them.

Addams:  We should pray for them.

McBain:  We should pray for ourselves.

Me:  We should love them.

Doctor:  I am a doctor????

(The window shatters and the zombies pour through)

Janet:  This can’t happen; I’m too young.

Addams:  This can’t happen; I have a family.

McBain:  This can’t happen; this is America

Me:  This can’t happen; we’ve acted honorably.

Doctor:  This can’t happen; I’m a doctor.

The zombies attack and overwhelm us.  Lots of gore and guts and gizzards and grossness.  You’ve seen this movie before or at least one like it.  Just make up your own ending.  Mine is…They all die.  Alone.

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  1. #1 by John Erickson on October 27, 2011 - 7:20 PM

    Sorry, I’m with Addams – nuke the gay whales! 😀
    And when you consider the ad program describing pork as “the other white meat”, and zombie fans stating that human is “the OTHER other white meat”, this post gets REALLY disturbing.
    Besides, I thought you were all safe – you said you had The Doctor (as in Doctor Who) with you. You just had a doctor – lower case. That kind of guy is useless in this situation, so chuck him first to buy time! 😉

    • #2 by Keith Spillett on October 27, 2011 - 7:27 PM

      In the first draft, they threw the doctor to the zombies early on, but I felt like it was wrong to kill him without completely developing his character.

  2. #3 by Jim Wheeler on October 27, 2011 - 8:22 PM

    As luck would have it, Mollie and I discovered the AMC series, “The Walking Dead” last week and now have caught up to #8 in the series. We both like it. (I always did tell her she was a strange girl.) We both have liked most of Stephen King’s stuff too. 🙂

    • #4 by Keith Spillett on October 29, 2011 - 5:00 PM

      I haven’t seen it yet, but I really want to. It’s not so much the zombies themselves, but the idea of zombies ravaging my hometown that I find incredible. I am a huge King fan as well. I’ve always had a soft spot in my heart for “The Stand”. Actually, having a soft spot in my heart doesn’t sound very healthy.

  3. #5 by mediadump on October 27, 2011 - 11:30 PM

    It’s every man, woman and child for themselves!

  4. #7 by Spinny Liberal on October 30, 2011 - 5:50 PM

    Those sandwiches are the bomb. Sorry they couldn’t tell the difference, but I can understand the craving for the limited time only sandwich.

    • #8 by Keith Spillett on October 31, 2011 - 3:26 AM

      I haven’t had one in years myself. Probably for the best!

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