From Mike Huckabee’s amped-up Rocky meets George Wallace impression on the Rowan County Jailhouse steps to Donald Trump’s non-stop, vitriolic attack on all things female and Mexican, the race for the 2016 Republican nomination has been marked by some of the most unique political stunts in recent memory. On Wednesday, Ted Cruz will attempt to trump even The Donald with a gimmick never before attempted in American politics. Time travel.
In a hastily called press conference this morning, Cruz announced to a room full of supporters that his team of Conservative Creative Scientists, led by former Nazi doctor Dr. Wolfgang von Hemoglobin, have built a time machine that will allow him to travel back to the year 1879 and murder Planned Parenthood founder and anti-Christ Margaret Sanger while still in utero.
The time machine has been in the works for many years, but was only recently completed when von Hemoglobin discovered the “Stem Cell Flux Capacitor” that will allow an American made Chevy Impala to travel back in time once it hits 88 miles per hour.
By killing Sanger before she is born, Cruz will put an end once and for all to the so-called “reproductive riot caused by women who are not able to control themselves when they are in the presence of virile, masculine men” like himself.
While going back in time and murdering the unborn Sanger seemed like an obvious thing for Cruz to do, his decision to do it was fraught with many dilemmas. By killing Sanger before she is born, Cruz would be guaranteeing her free passage into heaven. While letting a freeloading anarchist into heaven option is a difficult pill for the candidate turned time traveler to swallow, he believes it to be preferable to “the wholesale murder of over 200 trillion unborn souls in the last six months alone”.
Cruz also felt uneasy about only killing Sanger and allowing her mother to give birth to another child who also could turn out to be “the Adolf Hitler of fetus killing”. Initially, he had planned to murder seven or eight generations of her family, but realized this sort continuous time travel would cut into his schedule, preventing him from campaigning and making sure Congress never again passes any form of legislation.
If his murder of Sanger does not convince party loyalists that he is the most pure of heart among the Republican field, he is considering other options. Sources close to the campaign have intimated that he has not ruled out traveling back in time with legions of well-armed supporters, overthrowing George Washington and setting up a nation modeled after his favorite book, Margaret Atwood’s “The Handmaid’s Tale”.
(co-authored by Zenaphobe)