Archive for May, 2013
The Guy From Universe Number Five Has Hobbit Feet
Posted by Keith Spillett in People Who Were Willing To Speak To Me on May 31, 2013
As I was walking to Walgreens on Friday, a carrier pigeon with seven wings landed on my shoulder. I opened the message in its talons and it summoned me to a cave 52 miles outside of Provo, Utah. I immediately ran to my car, sped to the airport and bought a ridiculously priced ticket for Provo on a plane leaving in 35 minutes. After all, this sort of thing had never happened to me before.
The message read simply “The Guy From Universe Number Five Has Summoned You”. Then, it gave me the coordinates. That was all.
When I arrived in Provo, I stole a car out of the long term parking lot (2009 Ford Focus…the thing handles like a dream) and drove about 120 miles per hour to get to the cave. I arrived five minutes later with the hoof of a deer in the car’s front grill and a look of complete panic on my face.
When I entered the cave, I encountered a beast like I had never seen before. It had 47 horns and 22 tails. Fire shot from its gills.
“Are you…..Grimlock Von Myxlplyx?” I asked shyly.
“GRRR4AGDR7WHWY#U+=Y#U??!#?&#YG$#Y!#%#%aHB!#UJN$@NTR,” it responded.
And the interview began….
Grimlock…..where is Universe Number Five located?
A question a child might ask, but not a childish question. First, one has to look within themselves to determine where Universe Number Five is NOT. Then, after one has verified proof that a certain point is NOT Universe Number Five, one must accept that everything else is Universe Number Five. Up to and including this. And that.
What is your Universes current relationship with Universe Number 14?
Being that Universe Number 14 is part of Universe Number Five, I treat it in much the same manner the band Dead Horse would treat the Spice Girls. Even though there is a perceived separation, one can’t escape that beyond the illusion it is one and the same. And neither. While both.
What is the relationship between spirituality and metal?
If you cannot enter a deep meditation while listening to Gore Beyond Necropsy or Exit-13, you are simply not trying hard enough. When metal isn’t tried hard enough, you get bands like Asking Alexandria, Pantera and Black Veil Brides. When spirituality isn’t tried hard enough, you get religious zealots who want to manipulate the social structure of society or groups of easily misled young men willing to blow themselves up to further a cause that would ultimately seek to suck the life from humanity. When both are merged and utilized to their maximum potential in our everyday lives however, we can do a myriad of wonderful things, up to and including drinking coffee and eating fried chicken. That, my friend, is Mu. That, my friend, is Enlightenment.
I’ve heard you and the DRI mascot had a falling out. Can you tell us a little bit about what started the feud? Is there any chance of reconciliation?
If I were a lesser man, I’d blame Wendy Moncrief. However, I believe in accountability. Foremost, I should never have assumed that he was without emotion and basic human feelings when I reported his survival of the building fire. While I’m glad that he didn’t become a victim of a Righteous Pigs song, I was very callous in the way I handled the conversation with him. Plus, he’s Bobby Gustafson’s friend. For that he deserves a hug and some understanding.
If you were trapped on an island with one Incantation album for the rest of your life, which would it be?
If it can’t be their entire discography slammed into an mp3 CD, then with apologies to “Onward To Golgotha” and “Diabolical Conquest”, I’d have to select “Make It Big”.
If you were trapped on an island with Incantation what album would you listen to first?
I wonder if they’d play “Make It Big” in its entirety. Kinda like the “Mindcrime” tour… Just play “M.I.B.” followed by an assortment from their other albums. Hell, they could even do it unplugged if they had to. Ukeleles, Hawaiian style. “Oahu To Golgotha” Tour 2013, get your T-shirts! Get your programs!
If you were trapped in the belly of a giant narwhal all with the former members of Sepultura what would you listen to first?
Oh, that’s easy. I’d listen to something Wu-Tang-y like Sarcofago’s “I.N.R.I.” I figure if anything will get the Seps back to their roots (bloody or otherwise) it’d be that. Perhaps it would wake them from their coma or whatever malaise they’ve obviously been going through for the last 20 years.
According to Congressman and former Obituary saxophonist Allen West, one of the main reasons he lost in his bid to become President of Florida was because of the Universe Number Five article claiming he was made of gorgonzola cheese. How do you respond to these charges?
First of all, I stand firmly behind the reporting of my sources. If Source X says that West is Gorgonzola, then it’s true. Look, this is Florida. The strangest things in the entire universe happen in this state on a daily basis. So bizarre are we, in fact, that the West/Gorgonzola news wasn’t even newsworthy enough to make the papers that day. It was seriously news item #1,178 the day it broke.
What was your first reaction when you realized that Ice Cube was doing children’s films?
I was stoked, actually! The carbon-based electro-soul that represents itself to humanity as Ice Cube is a multifaceted being. People like to label him as the guy who made some of the greatest hip-hop albums of all-time. While, of course, that is true, he’s not to be pigeonholed. He is a rapper, an actor, an activist, a soccer mom, a balloon enthusiast, a kangaroo caretaker, the tuba player on Opeth’s “Blackwater Park” album, an electrician, an electric eel, eclectically ill, and has a license to chill. Respect.
What’s your opinion on consonants?
As a Scrabble player, I love them. Especially ‘Q’. Until I started playing Scrabble, I didn’t know that “Qi”, “Qat”, and “Suq” were actual words. Now they are straight up weapons of word game assassination. Also, when you experience getting “Quixotic” in a triple word score box, everything, including the Tampa Bay Buccaneers winning another Super Bowl, pales in comparison.
Who is your favorite Black Sabbath singer Tony Martin, Ian Gillian or Leopold Stokowski?
It troubles me that you neglected to include Jeff Fenholt here. Fenholt has a resume that would make George O’Leary proud. According to his autobiography, he was once a full time vocalist for Black Sabbath during the 80’s. He even wrote of tales of drugs, abuse, debauchery, etc. Why? To further his televangelism career, according to his siblings. He wanted to sound as awful as possible so as to make his redemption seem more impressive. Once it came to light that the dude was at least semi-fraudulent, Trinity Broadcasting Network fired him, or at least kinda started neglecting him. In reality though, he was romantically linked to Salvador Dali’s wife in her last days. That is much more impressive than singing for Black Sabbath. Think about it, anyone could sing for Sabbath, heck they let Ozzy do it. However, scoring with the wife of the greatest artist of the last 200 years?? THAT is metal!
In closing, thanks Keith. When I grow up, I wanna wear your shoes. Also, if you don’t own “Testimony Of The Ancients” by Pestilence, I’ll pray for your lost soul. And stuff. Read the “Boomer Bible”. Tip your waitresses… over. Out!
If you haven’t been to Universe Number Five, you’ll end up there eventually. So…why wait?
Obama Says Something Funny Then Announces Drone Strikes Against Former Sepultura Members
Posted by Keith Spillett in General Weirdness on May 29, 2013
The Commander-in-Chief had some explaining to do!
The President arrived at The East Room at an event honoring the remaining CIA members responsible for helping to illegally arm the Contras in the 1980s with (OMG….you are not going to believe this!!!)…lipstick on his collar.
“I don’t want to get in trouble with Michelle, so I’ll have you know that this isn’t lipstick…it’s blood!!!” quipped the President to raucous applause and laughter from the fawning, ever-diligent press corps.
The President also took the moment to announce that he has personally ordered drone strikes on former members of the band Sepultura. Some ex-members of Sepultura, which means “grave” in some weird foreign language, have been linked to a sinister splinter group that goes by the ominous name “The Cavalera Conspiracy”.
The former lead singer, Max Cavalera, was involved in the 1990s with a project referred to only as “Nailbomb”. A nail bomb is an explosive device often built by terrorists out of ordinary household items. It often contains nails (or other sharp, pointy things) and can explode and cause harm to people who are susceptible to injury from flying shrapnel. They are very, very dangerous, particularly when they kill people. These cheaply built weapons, often referred to as IUDs, have caused death and injury to thousands of people, including Americans.
Max and his brother, a shadowy figure who goes by the name “Igor”, are both wanted in connection for their parts in The Cavalera Conspiracy. “The greatest threat to America, besides Michelle if she finds out about the lipstick, are The Cavalera Brothers,” trying to hold back his trademark grin as throngs of reporters collapsed to the floor and began spasmodic seizures of laughter.
Max Possibly Signaling To Other Members Of His Terrorist Cell To Commit Acts Of Violence
The President assured the audience that no current members of Sepultura would be harmed. “The United States government has an avowed policy of only killing people when they are in the way or within a hundred mile vicinity of evil people. As far as we known, in spite of their current status as Brazilians, the people of Sepultura are 100 percent safe,” said the President in a calm, confident, comforting, assuring, Presidential tone.
Predator drones have become the President’s weapon of choice because of their uncanny ability to allow for maximal destruction with minimal impact on public opinion poll numbers. Americans aren’t in the planes, so unless one of the soldiers operating an aircraft from a hangar in Nevada accidentally chokes on a ham sandwich, they harm only bad people. Even if one goes off course and destroys a questionable military target, like a hospital or school, the President could always buy a new dog and mollify the American public until the next atrocity comes along.
Westboro Baptist Church To Protest Funeral of Iron Maiden Guitarist Janick Gers; Gers Claims He’s Not Dead
Posted by Keith Spillett in General Weirdness on May 27, 2013
The Westboro Baptist Church is at it again. This time, they have planned a massive protest at the funeral of Iron Maiden guitar player Janick Gers. There is only one problem; Gers believes that he is not dead.
“The whole thing is preposterous! My pulse is beating….you want to feel it,” claimed Gers to a roomful of skeptical reporters.
In spite of Gers protestations, the Internet has been filled with articles about his passing into the afterlife. Facebook has registered over 10,000 “RIP Janick” posts in the last several days. The Westboro Baptist Church has already flown 4,000 protestors to Des Moines, Iowa, where Gers’ memorial service is supposed to be held next week. Yet, in the face of overwhelming evidence, Gers will simply not admit that he is dead.
“You have to believe me! I’m alive! ALIVE!!!!!!” howled Gers as he fended off two EMTs who were trying to force him to lie down on a stretcher in order to be transported to the morgue.
The cause of death is yet to be determined and probably will not be until Gers agrees to an autopsy. So far, he has refused to be dissected. “If he’s alive, then let’s have him prove it,” said Des Moines Chief Medical Examiner Claude Perineum, “if we get in there and find out he’s telling the truth, we will immediately stich him back up and send him on his way. Otherwise, he’s just being dishonest and wasting the time and money of the taxpayers.”
While many in the metal world have grieved the supposed passing of Gers, Westboro Baptist Church leader Fred Phelps has been overjoyed. Phelps, who believes that America is being punished for its acceptance of gays and lesbians and its tolerance for high amounts of fluoride in the water supply, has already arrived in Iowa for the funeral. According to Phelps, “the decadent lifestyle and love of Satan preached by these British ne’er-do-wells has eroded the moral fabric of America. Iron Maiden’s singer, Ron Halford, is, in fact, an admitted homosexual!!!”
WBC Pastor Fred Phelps Prepares To Welcome Maiden Fans To Iowa
At a rally last night at The Des Moines Church of Christ The Climate Change Denier, Phelps announced that he had in his possession proof that heavy metal is a Trojan horse being used to turn America into a “breeding ground for the gay way of life”. “In my hand right now is a list of 205 homosexuals in the heavy metal world!” hollered Phelps with his grocery list grasped tightly and held over his head.
Many Iron Maiden fans plan to attend the memorial service whether Gers is dead or not. “Iron Maiden is the greatest band of all-time and, even though no one can figure out why they needed a third guitarist, this is indeed a terrible loss, if it is true, which it might not be,” said devout Maiden listener Kent Tekulve, who plans on walking over 1,000 miles from his home in Flagstaff, Arizona to the service.
Tool Vocalist John Maynard Keynes Leaving Band; Plans To Become A Yorkshire Terrier
Posted by Keith Spillett in General Weirdness on May 23, 2013
Citing fears of inflation and the dollar’s weakness against foreign currency, Tool vocalist John Maynard Keynes has decided to part ways with his band of nearly 20 years. Keynes, whose work was strongly influenced by Bertrand Russell, King Crimson and the Melvins, has decided to drop out of the music scene for a while and focus on making claymation videos of economist David Ricardo being attacked by swarms of Marxist killer bees.
This is not the first time Tool has had to deal with the loss of a lead singer. In 1958, singer and former beatnik Maynard G. Krebs was forced to leave the band after being arrested for selling nuclear secrets to the Soviets. Krebs, who later went on to star on the television show The Many Loves of Dobie Gillis, is still best known for studying how the body oxidizes carbohydrates. He was 58.
Former Atlanta mayor and person who they named half of an airport after, Maynard Jackson, also briefly sang for the in the band in the 1970s. Jackson, who was the least well-known member of the Jackson 5, also played alto-sax, guitar and zither on the first Tool album Undertow. Jackson, the mercurial, but powerful rightfielder for the New York Yankees, led the team to a title in 1977 after hitting a record three homeruns in one game against the Dodgers. Later to be known as Son of Sam, Jackson was responsible for a series of homicides that rocked the New York metropolitan area later that year.
In spite of losing several singers, the band has still managed to be one of the most popular hard rock acts in the world. They gained a great deal of popularity due to their hit songs Schism and Sober along their outlandish stage performances that feature economist David Ricardo being attacked by Marxist piranhas. They have won over 17 Grammys for their 1987 cover of the Taylor Swift classic “I Knew You Were Trouble” back in 1985.
They became a major part of the American lexicon in 2006 when the members began starring with Wilmer Valderama on the popular children’s television show Handy Manny. Tool drummer and Orioles cleanup hitter Adam Jones, who plays Felipe the Screwdriver on the show, was awarded the Disney Kid’s Choice Award in 2010 for the episode “Felipe Screws The Pooch” where he deals with the accidental dismemberment of a Portuguese Water Dog by Dusty The Handsaw. I’m wearing a Belgian waffle on my forehead.
Exclusive: Ghost Singer Papa Emeritus Identity Revealed To Be Rap Legend Bushwick Bill
Posted by Keith Spillett in General Weirdness on May 20, 2013
For years, the biggest mystery in heavy metal has been the identity of Ghost vocalist Papa Emeritus. Ghost burst upon the scene in 2010 to rave reviews from metal fans everywhere (including an endorsement from one-time Presidential candidate Sarah Palin). However, up until this point the band has been highly guarded about their identity, never appearing without their trademark corpse paint and hoods in public and forcing interviewers to be blindfolded and driven seven hours to a cave in an undisclosed part of New Mexico to do interviews.
However, our staff of investigative reporters at Tyranny of Tradition have uncovered exclusive documents proving, without a shadow of a doubt, that Ghost’s enigmatic front man is actually former Geto Boys rap sensation Bushwick Bill.
The documents, which were passed to one of our reporters in an underground garage by a high level government official who went by the fictional name “John Holmes”, show tax returns filed by the band for the past two years along with handwriting samples from checks supposedly written by Papa Emeritus that, when analyzed by the CIA, appear to have been signed by Bushwick Bill. Included with these documents was a DNA sample taken off of Papa Emeritus’ fake Pope hat by FBI agents while it was at a dry cleaners in Provo, Utah that is close to matching the DNA of the rapper.
The Jamaican born Bushwick Bill, whose real name is Dr. Wolfgang Von Bushwickin the Barbarian Mother Funky Stay High Dollar Billstir, has had a checkered past that included being shot in the eye by his girlfriend, nearly being deported for a drug arrest, and penning the script to Superbabies: Baby Geniuses II.
He had all but disappeared from the public eye after a short tenure as the backup point guard for the Sacramento Kings during the 2008-09 season. According to a source close to the band, it was about this time that Bill devised his plan to start the band Ghost.
Few people suspected the diminutive 3 foot 8 rapper of being the singer from Ghost because of his strongly held religious beliefs. Bill became a born-again Christian back in 2006. Ghost’s over-the-top satanic imagery and hedonistic lyrics seemed a poor match for the rapper’s monastic lifestyle.
Credible press reports had even surfaced that several other people were Papa Emeritus including actor Jonah Hill, former Knicks Center Patrick Ewing and Def Leppard drummer Rick Allen. However, these reports were fabrications created by the band in order to throw the press off of Bushwick Bill’s trail.
Soul of 5,000,000-Year-Old Neanderthal Found To Be A Forgery
Posted by Keith Spillett in The Poetry of Death on May 18, 2013
(The Dissection of The Soul In Three Parts)
Part 1
Bethlehem, Pennsylvannia-How much would you pay for the soul of a 5 million year old man? 10 million dollars? 20 million? 100 million? What about a billion dollars? 10 billion dollars? 100 billion dollars? A trillion dollars???
Would you give up the pinky finger on your left hand? What about your right pineal gland? Would you watch every episode of the television show Manimal? Would you become a cannibal who injects himself with Dianabol? Would you sell your children to a band of angry Saudis? Would you trade in your mother for three broken down Audis? Would you endure an hour-long attack from ravenous dogs? Would you reprise Ray Milland’s role in the movie Frogs? Would you trade dentures with Martha Raye? Would you spend Father’s Day with Marvin Gaye? Would you elope with an antelope? What about a cantaloupe?
Billionaire heiress Angelina Corpsegrinder did just that. Corpsegrinder, the granddaughter of former President John F. Corpsegrinder, purchased the soul at a nearly incalculable price at an auction on Friday outbidding thousands of lustful members of the American aristocracy. Corpsegrinder now has, within her beady little hands, possession of the one object that proves beyond a shadow of a doubt that God not only exists, but also intends us to hear his outrageous and inconsistent demands.
Encased in glass in case of loss, this abandoned soul sits in a vault, collecting interest at nearly 8 percent. Corpsegrinder has had the soul examined by thousands of religious icons and hundreds of other idle idols of the breathing class. Their findings all point to one inescapable fact, that people, given the correct amount of compensation and fearing for the devaluation of their name and the deflation of their credibility, will say anything to remain unforgotten by strangers. That we are conspiring against all logic and pinning our dreams and hopes upon an empty vessel is not important, what is important is that the conspiracy continues to hold true no matter how vengefully its core fiction has been used.
Thousands have filed past a replica of this soul in the Museum of Spirit, Fellowship and Other Inane Cruelties. For years, it was thought that this replica was the only soul alive in captivity. Many believed that, in nearly every case, when one expired, the soul passed into another realm leaving only a husk of body in some embarrassing pose. And teeth. Now, thanks to the generous nature of those who possess most of the world’s resources, we can rest assured that a real soul exists.
The soul originally belonged to a Neanderthal named Arnold Mulligan. In his haste to consume the flesh of a recently slaughtered pig, Mulligan’s soul fell out of his body and fell into a tar pit somewhere south of Tupelo, Mississippi. After being discovered some years back, the soul was passed to different collectors in high stakes poker games. It eventually fell into the clutches of former Presidential candidate Adali Stevenson and has languished in a coffee can in his basement since 1964. But, that is not important. Who needs chain of evidence when there isn’t even the evidence of a chain?
Finally, a pawnbroker from Jamaica, Queens named Arthur Leo Sclerosis slumped into the vault and examined the artifact. It was elliptical. No bigger than a marble. It had been poked and prodded by the finest pokers and prodders on this planet. Its verification had been peer reviewed by peers and reviewers who had all made tenure at the finest educational slaughterhouses on the planet. They had stood in line for hours to see it, all seeking to be part of a truth that, as keepers of truth, they were free to invent. Some of them, the rebels, tried to destroy it, but Plato had told them long ago that it couldn’t be destroyed, so they stopped.
Sclerosis didn’t care. He was dying and had the freedom that only the truly condemned and utterly forgotten can ever gain. His body, ravaged by disease and disrepair, crawled towards the altar upon which the soul had been placed. He made several silly motions with his hands to confuse the guards into thinking he was part of a group of fiction providers larger than himself, then he dove face first into the case, shattering the shatterproof glass and freeing the soul from the most recent in its series of cells.
The alarms sounded. Everyone on earth froze and locked their eyes upon him. Were it destroyed, they’d have to go back to having faith in something implausibly stupid. Were it destroyed, the whole edifice would plunge headlong into a nothingness of materials careening off one another and going nowhere in particular for an undetermined period of meaningless time. Were it destroyed, they’d have to accept the possibility that God or whatever creative force begat us from Its stomach was cruel enough to simply leave us in the middle of an endless wilderness of despair with no map to get home. Were it destroyed, they might look in the mirror and come face to face with a walking pile of animated flesh killing time between now and when its life functions had ceased.
“Please…we beg you! Leave us at least the illusion of stability in this demented nightmare of an existence!!!!” they cried in unison.
He held it aloft for all to see. “This,” declared Sclerosis “is nothing more than an M & M!!!!!”
He popped it into his mouth, chewed and swallowed. He died at that moment, for no other reason than his heart stopped beating.
People were aghast! So little truth had flashed before their eyes since religion adopted the game show format in the 1950s that this mockery of their very existence flung them into an orgiastic fit of rage. Still…there was something to this. After all, this was an experience they had just experienced. An event. A happening. A thing. They were all a part of it. Suddenly and without warning, the guards draped an American flag over the former man’s lifeless body and hoisted him on their shoulders as if he had just scored the game-winning touchdown in a championship football game.
“HE………IS………..RISEN!!!!!” they shouted in unison.
Everyone went back to work.
Members of Necrophagist Found Alive in Cleveland; New Record Planned For 2057
Posted by Keith Spillett in General Weirdness on May 9, 2013
Over the past nine years, one of the great mysteries in heavy metal has been the strange and abrupt disappearance of German tech-death pioneers Necrophagist. In 2004, they released the remarkably complex album “Epitaph” to universal acclaim. Then, at the height of their popularity, they disappeared. There were random, unconfirmed sightings of them at concerts and even a band that claimed to be them who performed several shows in Europe in the late 2000s, but the earth had seemingly swallowed up the real Necrophagist.
This morning, the mystery was solved. After hearing noises that resembled 64th notes, neighbor Charles Espejismo burst into the house next door and freed the band from their nine year captivity in the basement of a house on Euclid Avenue in downtown Cleveland. According to Espejismo, he was walking back from McDonald’s, eating a Filet of Fish sandwich when he heard noises that “resembled some of that crazy stuff that was on Gorod’s last two records.”
Concerned that a technical death metal band could have been kidnapped and held hostage in the basement of his neighbor’s house, he burst through the front door and freed Muhammad Suicmez and the rest of the band members from the dungeon that had been constructed in the basement. Suicmez had been bound, gagged and forced to play arpeggios for weeks on end with no food or water.
This is not the first violent, metal related attack in Cleveland, a city where musicians who employ progressive songwriting techniques are regularly beaten and maimed and hordes of torch-carrying, flesh-eating anti-tech death gangs control the streets at night. The Cryptopsy Cryps made news back in 2008 when they ritualistically devoured the several members of Dutch metal legends Pestilence after a show at the Agora Ballroom. The sole survivor of the attack, Pestilence vocalist Patrick Mameli, recalls that the Crips were eating members of the band and howling about how “irregular time signatures and fusion jazz have no place in metal.” Mameli hid in his guitar case for three days before Cleveland police rescued him.
Now that Necrophagist is free, they are hard at work on a new record. They plan to spend the next five years tuning their instruments in order to ready themselves to begin the long, arduous process of songwriting. After that, they have secured ten years worth of studio time in order to allow Suicmez to work on the solo for the first song. Finally, the band will start recording, a process that should take upwards of 25 years. The band has assured its fans that they will have something out by 2057 or 2132 at the absolute latest.
Hipster Roulette: A Guide To The Survival of The American Way of Life
Posted by Keith Spillett in General Weirdness on May 7, 2013
Hipsters. Let’s face it. They are everywhere. They bring us our mail. They fix our cars. They babysit our kids. They diagnose our viruses. They run some of our Fortune 500 companies. Some have even labeled Barack Obama “The First Hipster President” (or “Hipster-In-Chief).
These latte chugging, MacBook owning quislings have infiltrated the cracks of modern American life and, like Canadians, are often able to hide in plain sight, undetected by those who wish to keep us safe. In spite of the fact that The Department of Homeland Security has invested over 100 billion dollars in advanced hipster detection systems, to date, not one actual hipster has been detained or even tortured.
The problem of hipster detection is a tricky one. Much of our society has taken on the trappings of hipster culture, so it is now nearly impossible to locate a hipster in a place where they should obviously stand out, like a Travis Tritt concert or a meeting of your local NRA chapter.
The really difficult part is that hipster culture is based on a bizarre phenomenon known as “hipster denial”. A critical component of being a hipster is pretending to be unaware that you are a hipster. In some cases, hipsters can be contaminated with the hipster virus and not even know they are transmitting their hipsterness to those around them. The minute a hipster admits to their hipsterness, the hipster spell is broken and the beast becomes human again. But….how do you fight an enemy that is invisible even to himself???
Luckily, researchers at The Tyranny of Tradition Institute in Zalaegerszeg, Hungary have spent years perfecting a formula that can, once and for all, identify the difference between a hipster and a good American. By simply completing this standard interest inventory, in five minutes you can know if YOU are a hipster. The rules are simple. Add up the point values of each of the following things that apply to you. If your score is over 100, turn yourself in for processing immediately…you are a hipster. If you score below 100, it is safe to continue engaging in normal human practices like the consumption of food or the procreation of the species.
Do you….
Own a pair of “Buddy Holly” glasses? 30 points
Own a pair of skinny jeans? 30 points
Wear a Hawaiian shirt more than once a month? 40 points
Wear headbands when you are not playing basketball or running? 40 points
Have an Instagram account? 20 points
Have a tumblr? 20 points
Use Spotify? 5 points
Wear tee shirts of products you do not use (i.e. Spam)? 20 points
Spend more than 20 dollars on a haircut in an attempt to make your haircut look like it cost less than 20 dollars? 30 points
Wonder if certain things are “hipster or not hipster”? 20 points
Wear tee shirts featuring long lost forgotten cultural icons (i.e. The Smurfs, The Fonz, Balki from Perfect Strangers)? 50 points
Own at least one album by Band of Horses, TV on The Radio or My Morning Jacket? 30 points
Try to figure out what dubstep versions of 80’s TV theme songs would sound like? 35 points
Have a favorite superhero? 20 points
Talk about dinosaurs ironically? 20 points
Hate Hipsters? 100 points (all true hipsters hate hipsters, it’s the only surefire proof of hipsterism)
Wear suspenders with a tee shirt? 20 points
Compare people to Banksy or Chuch Palahniuk? 15 points
Spend more than 15 minutes a day discussing hipsters? 20 points
Spend time making up mathematical formulas about hipsters? 20 points
Have conversations about what it would be like if one cultural icon lived in the environment of another (i.e. “Wouldn’t it be weird if the Transformers were in Citizen Kane”?) 10 points
Refer to your band as being “post-“? 15 points
Think about naming one of your children after a Moby song? 10 points
Secretly admire Bono? 20 points
Catch yourself thinking “I wish I worked in a bike shop”? 10 points
Wear one of those stupid hipster hats? 20 points
What if you suspect someone is a hipster and can’t get them to fill out the survey?
Unfortunately, due to some questionable misinterpretations of the Constitution, you cannot legally hold someone in your basement, tie them up and force him or her to answer questions because you believe they are a hipster. You might have to determine their hipsterness in a span of seconds (this is often referred to by law enforcement officers as a “Hipster Terry Stop”). If you are only given a short window of time to identify one, you can use this simple joke in order to catch them. If they laugh, they are guilty of being a hipster. If they do not, you are safe and can take your hands off of the accused hipster’s throat.
You: How many hipsters does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Potential Hipster: I dunno
You: One
This method is only about 89 percent effective, but if you are in a pinch and lives are on the line, it might just be the difference between your whole neighborhood starting to look like a Hello Kitty Store and you being able to incapacitate the hipster, shove him or her in the trunk of your car and dump them in a nearby lake. These are the times that try men’s souls. I know you will choose wisely.
New Megadeth Song So Bad It Will Give Your Kids Hepatitis, Says Controversial Doctor
Posted by Keith Spillett in Health Tips for An Early Death on May 1, 2013
While many reviewers and enraged Megadeth fans have panned the new single “Supercollider”, one man has taken his criticism a step further. Dr. Josef Kranken, a researcher recently fired from the Monsanto Corporation, claims that, in a study conducted using one hundred volunteer 8-year-olds from a Phoenix elementary school, he has found evidence that repeated exposure to “Supercollider” could lead to inflammation of the liver consistent with the Hepatitis X virus.
Of the 50 children infected with the new Megadeth song, 46 of them developed symptoms within 3 to 5 hours. The other 50 students, who only listened to songs off of “Rust In Peace”, showed no immediate health issues and, in fact, scored higher on standardized tests the following day.
Up until recently, Hepatitis X was referred to as Hepatitis D. The virus changed its name during its conversion to Islam while in prison in 2010. It is best known for causing an enormous growth in the size of people’s ears and large, droopy sacks of skin to bulging from a person’s forehead. If not treated within 48 hours, it can lead to teeth growing out of the back of the victim’s neck.
This is not Dr. Kranken’s first foray into studying the health effects of heavy metal on human beings. He authored a paper two years called “The Great Radikult Syphilis Epidemic of 2011” where he forecast a major worldwide outbreak of syphilis due to Morbid Angel’s release of the album “IIud Divinum Insanus”. The study was debunked by several doctors, including noted Harvard immunologist Dr. Steven Copley, who went on to famously quip “the only possible way to catch a venereal disease listening to heavy metal is by standing too close to Vince Neil during a Motley Crue concert.”
Kranken, who graduated from University of Phoenix in 1979 with a degree in botanical psychology, was a top researcher for the Monsanto Corporation for over 20 years. He worked on some of Monsanto’s most infamous projects including the one that convinced the company to market Posilac (or rBST), a chemical that has been known to cause extreme suffering in cows. In his 1993 review of the effects of Posilac, he concluded that cows “might actually grow to enjoy the feeling of having gargantuan, swollen utters”. Monsanto fired Kranken in 2009 when he refused to work on a program designed to create 1000-pound flesh-eating rats for the Chinese military.
The Tyranny of Tradition 