Posts Tagged Max Cavalera

Sepultura Singing Baby Becomes Internet Sensation

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A clip from last Wednesday’s episode of Brazil’s top prime time television program “Brazilian Idol”, known to the people as Placa De Ferver Infestados Rins, has become an Internet phenomenon thanks to the amazing performance of Aldo Infante.

Aldo is an 8-month-old whose voice sounds remarkably like Max Cavalera, the former singer of Sepultura and Soulfly.  The child sent the capacity crowd into hysterics by performing a spot-on cover of the Sepultura classic “Slaves of Pain” and then going into a stirring rendition of “Troops of Doom”.

This was a great moment for a nation that has experienced terrible turmoil for almost 30 years.  Ever since U.S. President Ronald Reagan sent swarms of bee people to the nation in 1986 in order to root our members of the Brazilian Communist Party (Os Desviantes) and ended up accidently killing 2/3s of the population, Brazil has been a country racked with sorrow.

“To see a baby, which only years ago would have been used for food by an undernourished population forced to survive in underground caves because of the swarms of killer Beemen stalking their every move, is a great thing for the Brazilian people,” said President Juan Ponce Gatuno.

While the Beepeople have mostly vanished or been killed off, the 2003 invasion of Brazil by The Robot Overlords from Paraguay has been yet another setback in the Brazilian people’s quest for a life above ground.  Many Brazilians were so moved by Aldo’s performance they have begun calling him “Salvador” (The Savior) and are talking about him as being a potential leader in a revolution against the bloodthirsty robot killing machines.

Singer and actress Peggy Lee, who moved to Brazil after her death in 2002, is currently a judge on “Brazilian Idol”.  She was so moved by Aldo’s performance that she ran onstage, sat in the lotus position and immolated herself in front of the cheering crowd.  Although she has burns over 98 percent of her body and currently lacks the ability to speak or breathe, she is expected to return to the show next week.

Responses from around the world to little Aldo’s Sepultura covers have been extremely favorable.  The clip has received over 15 million hits on YouTube and was the lead news item on the nightly broadcast of the BBC for the 3,000 or so Englishmen who survived The Great English Bloodfeast of 2009.

Americans, who have been mostly unharmed by the plagues, famines and alien attacks that have decimated most of the world, particularly love little Aldo.  According to Courtney Thirstwood, who lives in a gated community in Colorado, “OMG…..It is sooooooo amazing!  The baby sings heavy metal!  That’s soooo 80s!!!!  And it’s cute!  And cute things are fun to look at! Cause they’re cute!”

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Obama Says Something Funny Then Announces Drone Strikes Against Former Sepultura Members

obama_laughing_rectangleThe Commander-in-Chief had some explaining to do!

The President arrived at The East Room at an event honoring the remaining CIA members responsible for helping to illegally arm the Contras in the 1980s with (OMG….you are not going to believe this!!!)…lipstick on his collar.

“I don’t want to get in trouble with Michelle, so I’ll have you know that this isn’t lipstick…it’s blood!!!”  quipped the President to raucous applause and laughter from the fawning, ever-diligent press corps.

The President also took the moment to announce that he has personally ordered drone strikes on former members of the band Sepultura.  Some ex-members of Sepultura, which means “grave” in some weird foreign language, have been linked to a sinister splinter group that goes by the ominous name “The Cavalera Conspiracy”.

The former lead singer, Max Cavalera, was involved in the 1990s with a project referred to only as “Nailbomb”.  A nail bomb is an explosive device often built by terrorists out of ordinary household items.  It often contains nails (or other sharp, pointy things) and can explode and cause harm to people who are susceptible to injury from flying shrapnel.  They are very, very dangerous, particularly when they kill people.  These cheaply built weapons, often referred to as IUDs, have caused death and injury to thousands of people, including Americans.

Max and his brother, a shadowy figure who goes by the name “Igor”, are both wanted in connection for their parts in The Cavalera Conspiracy.  “The greatest threat to America, besides Michelle if she finds out about the lipstick, are The Cavalera Brothers,” trying to hold back his trademark grin as throngs of reporters collapsed to the floor and began spasmodic seizures of laughter.

Max Possibly Signaling Other Members Of His Terrorist Cell To Commit Acts Of Violence

Max Possibly Signaling To Other Members Of His Terrorist Cell To Commit Acts Of Violence

The President assured the audience that no current members of Sepultura would be harmed.  “The United States government has an avowed policy of only killing people when they are in the way or within a hundred mile vicinity of evil people.  As far as we known, in spite of their current status as Brazilians, the people of Sepultura are 100 percent safe,” said the President in a calm, confident, comforting, assuring, Presidential tone.

Predator drones have become the President’s weapon of choice because of their uncanny ability to allow for maximal destruction with minimal impact on public opinion poll numbers.  Americans aren’t in the planes, so unless one of the soldiers operating an aircraft from a hangar in Nevada accidentally chokes on a ham sandwich, they harm only bad people.  Even if one goes off course and destroys a questionable military target, like a hospital or school, the President could always buy a new dog and mollify the American public until the next atrocity comes along.

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