Posts Tagged Ignorance

Sepultura Singing Baby Becomes Internet Sensation

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A clip from last Wednesday’s episode of Brazil’s top prime time television program “Brazilian Idol”, known to the people as Placa De Ferver Infestados Rins, has become an Internet phenomenon thanks to the amazing performance of Aldo Infante.

Aldo is an 8-month-old whose voice sounds remarkably like Max Cavalera, the former singer of Sepultura and Soulfly.  The child sent the capacity crowd into hysterics by performing a spot-on cover of the Sepultura classic “Slaves of Pain” and then going into a stirring rendition of “Troops of Doom”.

This was a great moment for a nation that has experienced terrible turmoil for almost 30 years.  Ever since U.S. President Ronald Reagan sent swarms of bee people to the nation in 1986 in order to root our members of the Brazilian Communist Party (Os Desviantes) and ended up accidently killing 2/3s of the population, Brazil has been a country racked with sorrow.

“To see a baby, which only years ago would have been used for food by an undernourished population forced to survive in underground caves because of the swarms of killer Beemen stalking their every move, is a great thing for the Brazilian people,” said President Juan Ponce Gatuno.

While the Beepeople have mostly vanished or been killed off, the 2003 invasion of Brazil by The Robot Overlords from Paraguay has been yet another setback in the Brazilian people’s quest for a life above ground.  Many Brazilians were so moved by Aldo’s performance they have begun calling him “Salvador” (The Savior) and are talking about him as being a potential leader in a revolution against the bloodthirsty robot killing machines.

Singer and actress Peggy Lee, who moved to Brazil after her death in 2002, is currently a judge on “Brazilian Idol”.  She was so moved by Aldo’s performance that she ran onstage, sat in the lotus position and immolated herself in front of the cheering crowd.  Although she has burns over 98 percent of her body and currently lacks the ability to speak or breathe, she is expected to return to the show next week.

Responses from around the world to little Aldo’s Sepultura covers have been extremely favorable.  The clip has received over 15 million hits on YouTube and was the lead news item on the nightly broadcast of the BBC for the 3,000 or so Englishmen who survived The Great English Bloodfeast of 2009.

Americans, who have been mostly unharmed by the plagues, famines and alien attacks that have decimated most of the world, particularly love little Aldo.  According to Courtney Thirstwood, who lives in a gated community in Colorado, “OMG…..It is sooooooo amazing!  The baby sings heavy metal!  That’s soooo 80s!!!!  And it’s cute!  And cute things are fun to look at! Cause they’re cute!”

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Theme From An Imaginary Grindcore Album: The Birth of UnMusic

Today is a landmark day in the history of music.  On Saturday February 5th at 10:37 AM a new genre of music has been born.  Welcome to the world of UnMusic.  Many times I have read the song titles on albums and thought to myself “This album has great song titles, it’s too bad the songs are horrendous.”

If you have had that thought from time to time, then UnMusic is for you.  UnMusic removes the irritating and grating music that is on albums and merely gives you song titles. I give you the song title, what your imagination does with them is up to you. Think of the possibilities?  Music without the limitations of actually having a song! I’m not even going to give the album a cover with artwork.  I feel like that would be selling out.  You, the listener, have complete artistic freedom to imagine what we would have sounded like had we actually recorded the songs.

For the purposes of marketability, the music will (not) be recorded by my band E.T.A.F. (Eats Things that Aren’t Food), who are known for their top 40 single “Jodie Meeks”.  This genre is deeply influenced by grindcore (particularly by the band A.C.). Grindcore is a style of metal that often features hysterical song titles and horrifically unlistenable songs.  Why bother with the songs?!?!?!

I was thinking about grindcore when these songs were (not) written, and actually believe this album better fits into a subgenre known as UnCore. That being said, I don’t want to limit your imagination, so if the songs sound in your mind like Michael Bolton or Earth Wind and Fire when you think of them, go with it.

Band:  E.T.A.F.

Album Name:  Unfriended By Life

Songs:

1.  Obligatory 2 Minute Acoustic Guitar Instrumental Intro

2.  Tipper Gore Told You To Throw Out All of Your Judas Priest Albums…But You Didn’t Listen

3.  I Got Scolded Because I Made Fun of the Drummer From Winger

4.  You Hung Out With The Band Skindred in A Parking Lot

5.  If Lincoln Were Alive Today, He’d Be Angry They Buried Him

6.  Stop Staring At Me…I’m Not Going to Talk to You

7.  You Have Children

8.  Mubarak Has the Best Interests of His People In Mind

9.  “So…Wait….Now You Are Saying That You Are Not A Doctor?!?!”

10.  I Follow People Around Malls

11.  You Like Tomatoes, But You Don’t Like Ketchup

12.  You Met Your Wife At A Viking Metal Concert

14.  Ketchup Is A Vegetable

15.  You Lost Your Children’s College Fund Because Jerome Bettis Fumbled

16.   You Missed a Meeting With Your Parole Officer To Go To An ICP Concert

17.  You Sent Your Son To School With Head Lice

18.  Choose Life…The Lesser of Two Evils

19.  You Learned to Speak Latin In Order To Sound Arrogant

19. You Gave Blood

19.  There Are 3 Track 19s on This Album

20.  You Were Unfriended By Soccer

21.  You Voted In Florida And It Didn’t Count

22.  Two Tens For a Five (A Tribute To Goldman Sachs)

23.  You Have Restless Leg Syndrome

24.  No One Follows You On Twitter

25.  You Are Allergic To Dog Dander and Milk

26.  You Live In Buffalo

27.  You Were Unfriended By Bacon

28.  My 98 Year Old Grandmother Just Compared Municipal Waste to D.R.I.

29.  You Live In Buffalo

30.  “No Officer, A Sound Did Not Come From My Trunk”

31.  You Gave Your Son Cortisone Shot So He Could Play In A Little League Game

32.  You Have A Bank Account

33.  People Don’t Take You Seriously Because You Have A Mustache

34.  You Pay Taxes Because You Think Its Patriotic

35.  If It Wasn’t For All The Crime, Miserable People and Decaying Buildings, Gary, Indiana Would Be a Great City

36.  Sucks to Be You…You Play Soccer

37.  Soccer is The World’s Most Popular Sport

38.  You Own A Copy of The Movie “Space Jam” and You Don’t Have Any Kids

38.  HA!  HA!  HA!!!  You Voted For Obama…and He Lost!!!

39.  You Went On Strike Until Your Company Agreed To Show Jerry Springer In The Break Room

40.  You Live In Buffalo

41.  You Are An Organ Donor

42.  You Know How To Properly Use A Semi-Colon

43.  You Quote Ayn Rand

44.  You Hope That Iron Maiden Plays All The Songs From The X Factor At Their Next Concert

45.  Your Kids Don’t Talk To You Because You Have A Mohawk

46.  You Think That People Are Smiling In Commercials Because They Are Happy

47.  Nobody Goes To Your MySpace Page Because Your Band Does Lionel Richie Covers

48.  Spellcheck is Wrong…Grindcore is One Word

49.  No One Knows What Barney Greenway is Talking About

50.  I Listened To The First Carcass Album and Became a Vegetarian

51.  You Are So Metal That You Were Into Ozzy Before He Joined Black Sabbath

52.  Raggacore Is The Next Big Thing

Hidden Tracks:

52.  You Think It’s Ironic To Have Song Titles Without Actual Songs

53.  It’s Funny Until You Start Talking

54.  Some Random Cover of A Band I’ve Never Heard Of Like Budgie

55.  A.C. Can’t Sue Me For Stealing Their Idea Because They Can’t Afford A Lawyer

56.  Even Spammers Ignore You

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