Theme From An Imaginary Grindcore Album: The Birth of UnMusic

Today is a landmark day in the history of music.  On Saturday February 5th at 10:37 AM a new genre of music has been born.  Welcome to the world of UnMusic.  Many times I have read the song titles on albums and thought to myself “This album has great song titles, it’s too bad the songs are horrendous.”

If you have had that thought from time to time, then UnMusic is for you.  UnMusic removes the irritating and grating music that is on albums and merely gives you song titles. I give you the song title, what your imagination does with them is up to you. Think of the possibilities?  Music without the limitations of actually having a song! I’m not even going to give the album a cover with artwork.  I feel like that would be selling out.  You, the listener, have complete artistic freedom to imagine what we would have sounded like had we actually recorded the songs.

For the purposes of marketability, the music will (not) be recorded by my band E.T.A.F. (Eats Things that Aren’t Food), who are known for their top 40 single “Jodie Meeks”.  This genre is deeply influenced by grindcore (particularly by the band A.C.). Grindcore is a style of metal that often features hysterical song titles and horrifically unlistenable songs.  Why bother with the songs?!?!?!

I was thinking about grindcore when these songs were (not) written, and actually believe this album better fits into a subgenre known as UnCore. That being said, I don’t want to limit your imagination, so if the songs sound in your mind like Michael Bolton or Earth Wind and Fire when you think of them, go with it.

Band:  E.T.A.F.

Album Name:  Unfriended By Life

Songs:

1.  Obligatory 2 Minute Acoustic Guitar Instrumental Intro

2.  Tipper Gore Told You To Throw Out All of Your Judas Priest Albums…But You Didn’t Listen

3.  I Got Scolded Because I Made Fun of the Drummer From Winger

4.  You Hung Out With The Band Skindred in A Parking Lot

5.  If Lincoln Were Alive Today, He’d Be Angry They Buried Him

6.  Stop Staring At Me…I’m Not Going to Talk to You

7.  You Have Children

8.  Mubarak Has the Best Interests of His People In Mind

9.  “So…Wait….Now You Are Saying That You Are Not A Doctor?!?!”

10.  I Follow People Around Malls

11.  You Like Tomatoes, But You Don’t Like Ketchup

12.  You Met Your Wife At A Viking Metal Concert

14.  Ketchup Is A Vegetable

15.  You Lost Your Children’s College Fund Because Jerome Bettis Fumbled

16.   You Missed a Meeting With Your Parole Officer To Go To An ICP Concert

17.  You Sent Your Son To School With Head Lice

18.  Choose Life…The Lesser of Two Evils

19.  You Learned to Speak Latin In Order To Sound Arrogant

19. You Gave Blood

19.  There Are 3 Track 19s on This Album

20.  You Were Unfriended By Soccer

21.  You Voted In Florida And It Didn’t Count

22.  Two Tens For a Five (A Tribute To Goldman Sachs)

23.  You Have Restless Leg Syndrome

24.  No One Follows You On Twitter

25.  You Are Allergic To Dog Dander and Milk

26.  You Live In Buffalo

27.  You Were Unfriended By Bacon

28.  My 98 Year Old Grandmother Just Compared Municipal Waste to D.R.I.

29.  You Live In Buffalo

30.  “No Officer, A Sound Did Not Come From My Trunk”

31.  You Gave Your Son Cortisone Shot So He Could Play In A Little League Game

32.  You Have A Bank Account

33.  People Don’t Take You Seriously Because You Have A Mustache

34.  You Pay Taxes Because You Think Its Patriotic

35.  If It Wasn’t For All The Crime, Miserable People and Decaying Buildings, Gary, Indiana Would Be a Great City

36.  Sucks to Be You…You Play Soccer

37.  Soccer is The World’s Most Popular Sport

38.  You Own A Copy of The Movie “Space Jam” and You Don’t Have Any Kids

38.  HA!  HA!  HA!!!  You Voted For Obama…and He Lost!!!

39.  You Went On Strike Until Your Company Agreed To Show Jerry Springer In The Break Room

40.  You Live In Buffalo

41.  You Are An Organ Donor

42.  You Know How To Properly Use A Semi-Colon

43.  You Quote Ayn Rand

44.  You Hope That Iron Maiden Plays All The Songs From The X Factor At Their Next Concert

45.  Your Kids Don’t Talk To You Because You Have A Mohawk

46.  You Think That People Are Smiling In Commercials Because They Are Happy

47.  Nobody Goes To Your MySpace Page Because Your Band Does Lionel Richie Covers

48.  Spellcheck is Wrong…Grindcore is One Word

49.  No One Knows What Barney Greenway is Talking About

50.  I Listened To The First Carcass Album and Became a Vegetarian

51.  You Are So Metal That You Were Into Ozzy Before He Joined Black Sabbath

52.  Raggacore Is The Next Big Thing

Hidden Tracks:

52.  You Think It’s Ironic To Have Song Titles Without Actual Songs

53.  It’s Funny Until You Start Talking

54.  Some Random Cover of A Band I’ve Never Heard Of Like Budgie

55.  A.C. Can’t Sue Me For Stealing Their Idea Because They Can’t Afford A Lawyer

56.  Even Spammers Ignore You

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  1. #1 by iamsarahk on February 5, 2011 - 6:33 PM

    So I suppose it’s an interesting thing to live in Buffalo?

    I had fun with that – I am a great song writer in my head 😀 And yes, I will admit some of them sounded like Bolton.

    • #2 by Keith Spillett on February 5, 2011 - 7:05 PM

      Yes, Buffalo is where we send all of our worst criminals. There are walls 50 feet high surrounding the city to keep the prisoners from leaving.

      I’m glad you were able to construct a great album in your mind!!! I will now construct an album in my mind of me trying to think of what your album might sound like. Then, you could construct an album of what you think my construction of your construction might be. Really, the cycle could be endless.

  2. #3 by juan don on February 5, 2011 - 8:55 PM

    Keith,

    The other day I was cleaning a part of the hovel that never gets cleaned and found an old Allman Brothers CD. Burned out on Justin Bieber, I flipped it in and dug hearing the original Skydog’s of southern rock — with all due respect to Little Feat. But now I can’t get a Dickie Betts 11 hour guitar solo out of my head. Maybe I can replace Dickie with “I Follow People Around Malls.” Right now I’m leaning toward Robert Goulet fronting El-Rayo-Ex. If this doesn’t work, I’ll let Evan Williams whip out his mind eraser magic. A friend told me that his gastric bypass surgeon brother listens to recorded whale songs while operating. I not sure if this is irony or an indulgence in dark humor.

    • #4 by Keith Spillett on February 6, 2011 - 4:01 PM

      Dude, you are basically the demographic Tyranny of Tradition is written for. Rambling references to Robert Goulet, whale songs during gastric bypass surgery and Dickie Betts 11 hour guitar solos, I mean, if I could I’d clone you 50 times I’d put all 50 of you in a room for a focus group session. Or, I’d have a clone battle royal for the intercontinental championship. Or, I’d set up an anti-government group and take all 50 of you to a house in Montana. We’d sing Joni Mitchell songs and wait for the Feds to show up. Anyway, think about it.

      • #5 by juan don on February 6, 2011 - 6:01 PM

        Keith,

        How about a house on the beach, say Parrot Cay? When not listening to Joni, we could traipse (or trudge) barefoot over to Keith Richard’s villa and hang in his Voodoo Lounge. Maybe Bruce Willis or Donna Karan could pop over from time to time. Just imagine all the positive daydreams born while floating around in an infinity pool, watching a Caribbean sunset with refreshing Alien Secretion in hand. My hovel has its peculiar charm(s) but I’d bid Chow Acre a bluesy bye-bye if headed to paradise. Montana does have its alluring features; but I’m staring at a heap ‘o cold snow. It’s so depressing that Harry Belafonte couldn’t swing my banana boat.

        Aside from canned chili, the only thing keeping me going is the approach of…spring training!

  3. #6 by Keith Spillett on February 10, 2011 - 7:40 PM

    Spring training. I keep thinking about it myself. All day long. All…day….long. I have a tattoo on my forehead that reads 13 days till pitchers and catchers. Each day, I have the number removed by laser and changed.

    It’s like the man said…”Football season’s over”. And he meant it too.

  1. Keith Spillett: The Enigma | Blood or Love
  2. unmusic « Akutsk

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