Posts Tagged Lincoln

Media Slams Tyranny of Tradition For Linking Nebraska Mayoral Candidate Gord “Piley” Kirchin To ISIS

The Next Mayor of Nebraska???

Ole Piley…The Next Mayor of Nebraska???

A media firestorm is swirling surrounding Tyranny of Tradition writer Keith Spillett’s October 31st article on Exalted Piledriver Frontman and Nebraska Mayoral Candidate Gord “Piley” Kirchin. In the article, Spillett alleged that Kirchin “hinted that he would consider allowing ISIS to take control of parts of Lincoln, Nebraska and impose Sharia Law.”

Trusted news sources from Fox News’ anchor Megyn Kelly to Alex Jones have chided Spillett for irresponsibly stoking the American public’s fear of foreigners by reporting false information in an attempt to increase readership.

Spillett, who revealed this weekend that his source was a 7-year-old Trick or Treater dressed as an ISIS member, still stands by his article claiming that “whether the information is true or not, it was told to me by someone who might have had something to do with the situation, therefore, it is accurate.”

Tyranny of Tradition Writer Keith Spillett

Tyranny of Tradition Writer Keith Spillett

Kirchin’s campaign manager Elizabeth Borden read a statement on Sunday morning vehemently denying that he would turn Lincoln into a bastion of Islamic radicalism.

“The Metal Inquisition is in no way associated, nor does it condone anything ISIS does besides the beheadings, and even then, only with professionally calibrated and registered Robespierre Industries Drop N’ Chop 2000© guillotines, even then only to be used on posers, wannabe’s and corporate lobbyists.”

“While ISIS could possibly generate a decent noise-core record or two, Sharia Law is pretty damned stupid and should be viewed as low and offensive as Nickelback’s last three albums, any two ‘songs’ by Drake, or any single millisecond of Justin Bieber’s total recorded output, and is to be shunned, reviled, and vilified as such.”

Meanwhile, Kirchin’s campaign has been emboldened by the scandal. Many Nebraskan’s who were initially put off by “Ole Piley’s” threat to make the “streets of Nebraska run red with the blood of those who betray the sacred cause of heavy metal” have begun to see him as a sympathetic figure.

“We kinda thought he was a bit, well, mentally disturbed when he started running. With that headpiece with all the spikes and all. Come to find out Ole Piley is a nice fella. And he’s against Sharia Law, so he’s alright by me,” said Merv Cunningham, a farmer and voter from McCook.

A Nebraska Voter on His Way To The Polls

A Nebraska Voter on His Way To The Polls

A recent Gallup/CNN/Albert Speer Poll has Kirchin leading Nebraska Mayoral Incumbent Ben Roberts 61-57, with 7 percent of Nebraskans favoring former President Harry S. Truman. With the election on Tuesday and his numbers trending in the right direction, mayonnaise may end up being the new democracy.

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Theme From An Imaginary Grindcore Album: The Birth of UnMusic

Today is a landmark day in the history of music.  On Saturday February 5th at 10:37 AM a new genre of music has been born.  Welcome to the world of UnMusic.  Many times I have read the song titles on albums and thought to myself “This album has great song titles, it’s too bad the songs are horrendous.”

If you have had that thought from time to time, then UnMusic is for you.  UnMusic removes the irritating and grating music that is on albums and merely gives you song titles. I give you the song title, what your imagination does with them is up to you. Think of the possibilities?  Music without the limitations of actually having a song! I’m not even going to give the album a cover with artwork.  I feel like that would be selling out.  You, the listener, have complete artistic freedom to imagine what we would have sounded like had we actually recorded the songs.

For the purposes of marketability, the music will (not) be recorded by my band E.T.A.F. (Eats Things that Aren’t Food), who are known for their top 40 single “Jodie Meeks”.  This genre is deeply influenced by grindcore (particularly by the band A.C.). Grindcore is a style of metal that often features hysterical song titles and horrifically unlistenable songs.  Why bother with the songs?!?!?!

I was thinking about grindcore when these songs were (not) written, and actually believe this album better fits into a subgenre known as UnCore. That being said, I don’t want to limit your imagination, so if the songs sound in your mind like Michael Bolton or Earth Wind and Fire when you think of them, go with it.

Band:  E.T.A.F.

Album Name:  Unfriended By Life

Songs:

1.  Obligatory 2 Minute Acoustic Guitar Instrumental Intro

2.  Tipper Gore Told You To Throw Out All of Your Judas Priest Albums…But You Didn’t Listen

3.  I Got Scolded Because I Made Fun of the Drummer From Winger

4.  You Hung Out With The Band Skindred in A Parking Lot

5.  If Lincoln Were Alive Today, He’d Be Angry They Buried Him

6.  Stop Staring At Me…I’m Not Going to Talk to You

7.  You Have Children

8.  Mubarak Has the Best Interests of His People In Mind

9.  “So…Wait….Now You Are Saying That You Are Not A Doctor?!?!”

10.  I Follow People Around Malls

11.  You Like Tomatoes, But You Don’t Like Ketchup

12.  You Met Your Wife At A Viking Metal Concert

14.  Ketchup Is A Vegetable

15.  You Lost Your Children’s College Fund Because Jerome Bettis Fumbled

16.   You Missed a Meeting With Your Parole Officer To Go To An ICP Concert

17.  You Sent Your Son To School With Head Lice

18.  Choose Life…The Lesser of Two Evils

19.  You Learned to Speak Latin In Order To Sound Arrogant

19. You Gave Blood

19.  There Are 3 Track 19s on This Album

20.  You Were Unfriended By Soccer

21.  You Voted In Florida And It Didn’t Count

22.  Two Tens For a Five (A Tribute To Goldman Sachs)

23.  You Have Restless Leg Syndrome

24.  No One Follows You On Twitter

25.  You Are Allergic To Dog Dander and Milk

26.  You Live In Buffalo

27.  You Were Unfriended By Bacon

28.  My 98 Year Old Grandmother Just Compared Municipal Waste to D.R.I.

29.  You Live In Buffalo

30.  “No Officer, A Sound Did Not Come From My Trunk”

31.  You Gave Your Son Cortisone Shot So He Could Play In A Little League Game

32.  You Have A Bank Account

33.  People Don’t Take You Seriously Because You Have A Mustache

34.  You Pay Taxes Because You Think Its Patriotic

35.  If It Wasn’t For All The Crime, Miserable People and Decaying Buildings, Gary, Indiana Would Be a Great City

36.  Sucks to Be You…You Play Soccer

37.  Soccer is The World’s Most Popular Sport

38.  You Own A Copy of The Movie “Space Jam” and You Don’t Have Any Kids

38.  HA!  HA!  HA!!!  You Voted For Obama…and He Lost!!!

39.  You Went On Strike Until Your Company Agreed To Show Jerry Springer In The Break Room

40.  You Live In Buffalo

41.  You Are An Organ Donor

42.  You Know How To Properly Use A Semi-Colon

43.  You Quote Ayn Rand

44.  You Hope That Iron Maiden Plays All The Songs From The X Factor At Their Next Concert

45.  Your Kids Don’t Talk To You Because You Have A Mohawk

46.  You Think That People Are Smiling In Commercials Because They Are Happy

47.  Nobody Goes To Your MySpace Page Because Your Band Does Lionel Richie Covers

48.  Spellcheck is Wrong…Grindcore is One Word

49.  No One Knows What Barney Greenway is Talking About

50.  I Listened To The First Carcass Album and Became a Vegetarian

51.  You Are So Metal That You Were Into Ozzy Before He Joined Black Sabbath

52.  Raggacore Is The Next Big Thing

Hidden Tracks:

52.  You Think It’s Ironic To Have Song Titles Without Actual Songs

53.  It’s Funny Until You Start Talking

54.  Some Random Cover of A Band I’ve Never Heard Of Like Budgie

55.  A.C. Can’t Sue Me For Stealing Their Idea Because They Can’t Afford A Lawyer

56.  Even Spammers Ignore You

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