Posts Tagged Mayor of Nebraska

FRAUD AT THE POLLS: Piledriver Frontman Gord Kirchin Robbed In Nebraska Mayoral Race

Piley Expressing His Displeasure At Yesterday's Election Outcome

Piley Expressing His Displeasure At The Outcome of Yesterday’s Election

In an upset reminiscent of the famous 1948 Dewey/Truman Presidential Election, Democrat Harry S. Truman, who recently had been polling 112 percentage points behind Piledriver vocalist Gord “Piley” Kirchin, emerged victorious in the hotly contested race for Mayor of Nebraska. However, many of Kirchin’s supporters are crying foul.

While Metalheads comprise 68 percent of Nebraska’s population, a record low of 3 percent actually voted. Why such a low turnout? Many point to voting irregularities, reports of widespread voter intimidation and outright fraud.

Polling places throughout Lincoln, Nebraska, a hotbed of heavy metal and Islamic radicalism, were closed due to violence and rioting caused by Truman’s shock troops attacking anyone wearing Piledriver tee shirts or barbed wire hats. Truman himself was seen in Omaha beating several longhaired Piledriver fans with a baseball bat on Maple Street in downtown Omaha.

Twerk That Soljah Boy

Twerk Dat Souljah Boy

One tactic used by Truman’s Thugs to disenfranchise Metalheads was blaring Mariah Carey and Garth Brooks songs at locations where balloting was taking place. The music forced many Metalheads, anxious to vote for Kirchin, to run away screaming before they were able to vote.

Police officers were spotted at several polling places giving tickets to any automobile with a Cannibal Corpse or Hirax bumper sticker on the back. Metalheads throughout the state were detained by cops because they “fit the description” of famed Nebraskan mass murderer Charlie Starkweather, who died in 1959.

Nebraska’s new “Stop and Frisk” policy netted the arrest of over 500 Metalheads outside of voting areas for carrying bootlegged tapes of Metallica’s Live From Antarctica “Trapped Over Ice” concert.

A Metal Voter Who Turned Away At The Polls For "Looking Weird"

A Metal Voter Who Turned Away At The Polls For “Looking Weird”

Truman supporters throughout the state used a new tactic called “robovoting” in order to garner more votes for the candidate. Robovoting takes place when a special device is implanted in voting machines causing it to cast thousands of votes for one candidate. In the small town of Ord, Nebraska, a mysterious voter named Luke Bryan cast over 100,000 votes for Truman. The town only has 2,000 residents.

Outgoing Attorney General Eric Holder has ordered an investigation into illegal voting practices in the state that will “rival the speed and potency of the crackdown on Wall Street after the 2008 financial meltdown”. The Justice Department will announce indictments of anyone involved in obstructing the democratic process in Nebraska no later than 2056.

Piley has already announced that he will not contest the results of the election. Instead, he intends on forging ahead with his political career. A press conference/pig roast is scheduled for later today where he is expected to announce his plans to run for Prime Minister of Hawaii in 2015.

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Media Slams Tyranny of Tradition For Linking Nebraska Mayoral Candidate Gord “Piley” Kirchin To ISIS

The Next Mayor of Nebraska???

Ole Piley…The Next Mayor of Nebraska???

A media firestorm is swirling surrounding Tyranny of Tradition writer Keith Spillett’s October 31st article on Exalted Piledriver Frontman and Nebraska Mayoral Candidate Gord “Piley” Kirchin. In the article, Spillett alleged that Kirchin “hinted that he would consider allowing ISIS to take control of parts of Lincoln, Nebraska and impose Sharia Law.”

Trusted news sources from Fox News’ anchor Megyn Kelly to Alex Jones have chided Spillett for irresponsibly stoking the American public’s fear of foreigners by reporting false information in an attempt to increase readership.

Spillett, who revealed this weekend that his source was a 7-year-old Trick or Treater dressed as an ISIS member, still stands by his article claiming that “whether the information is true or not, it was told to me by someone who might have had something to do with the situation, therefore, it is accurate.”

Tyranny of Tradition Writer Keith Spillett

Tyranny of Tradition Writer Keith Spillett

Kirchin’s campaign manager Elizabeth Borden read a statement on Sunday morning vehemently denying that he would turn Lincoln into a bastion of Islamic radicalism.

“The Metal Inquisition is in no way associated, nor does it condone anything ISIS does besides the beheadings, and even then, only with professionally calibrated and registered Robespierre Industries Drop N’ Chop 2000© guillotines, even then only to be used on posers, wannabe’s and corporate lobbyists.”

“While ISIS could possibly generate a decent noise-core record or two, Sharia Law is pretty damned stupid and should be viewed as low and offensive as Nickelback’s last three albums, any two ‘songs’ by Drake, or any single millisecond of Justin Bieber’s total recorded output, and is to be shunned, reviled, and vilified as such.”

Meanwhile, Kirchin’s campaign has been emboldened by the scandal. Many Nebraskan’s who were initially put off by “Ole Piley’s” threat to make the “streets of Nebraska run red with the blood of those who betray the sacred cause of heavy metal” have begun to see him as a sympathetic figure.

“We kinda thought he was a bit, well, mentally disturbed when he started running. With that headpiece with all the spikes and all. Come to find out Ole Piley is a nice fella. And he’s against Sharia Law, so he’s alright by me,” said Merv Cunningham, a farmer and voter from McCook.

A Nebraska Voter on His Way To The Polls

A Nebraska Voter on His Way To The Polls

A recent Gallup/CNN/Albert Speer Poll has Kirchin leading Nebraska Mayoral Incumbent Ben Roberts 61-57, with 7 percent of Nebraskans favoring former President Harry S. Truman. With the election on Tuesday and his numbers trending in the right direction, mayonnaise may end up being the new democracy.

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