Archive for category HEAVY METAL MUST BE DESTROYED
It was a publicity stunt after all.
The unveiling of pop megastar Rihanna’s notorious death-metal-styled logos at the 2016 MTV Video Music Awards (VMA 2016) was part of a marketing campaign by her new record label Unique Leader Records, according to a press release yesterday.
Reportedly, the aforementioned publicity stunt was just the first of a dozen promotional efforts.
Rihanna could not be reached for comment on the nature of the remaining 11 stunts. But the 28-year-old tweeted earlier today that she was pushing priests down stairways, and doing blackout poetry with murder stories from newspapers in public libraries at Fairfax County, Virginia over Labor Day Weekend.
Sources close to Rihanna confirmed that the Barbadian puppet of capitalism inked a three-record deal with Unique Leader Records, an American death metal powerhouse, sometime in mid-August. But out of fear of assassination attempts by death metal zealots at the VMA 2016, all involved parties kept the record deal under wraps as much as possible.
“I am excited to work with my greatest cardinal sin, Rihanna,” said Erik Lindmark, CEO of Unique Leader Records, in yesterday’s press release. “Long have I dreamt of working with pop music’s boldest punk chick. She had a brush with death, has an amazing voice, has a unique lyrical style, has plenty of attitude, and has… uh… great assets. There is nothing about her from head to toe that I do not like.”
Rihanna’s first full-length release via Unique Leader Records will be a tech-death reissue of her classic album from 2007, Good Girl Gone Bad (source of the immensely popular single, “Umbrella”). It is tentatively due in December.
Members of Gorod, Rings of Saturn, and Soreption have been roped in as session musicians. Jason Suecof (Atheist, The Black Dahlia Murder, Cryptopsy, Job for a Cowboy) will produce, mix, and master the record at Audiohammer Studios in Sanford, Florida.
Legendary artist Dan Seagrave has also been hired. He will give the original cover of Good Girl Gone Bad a death metal makeover “along the lines of Left Hand Path.”
In commemoration of her record deal with Unique Leader Records, Rihanna will release her first death metal single, “Knuckle Smashed Face”, in cassette and vinyl formats this October. At press time, the single’s punchy lyrics were already leaked and making rounds on social media, garnering fistfuls of attention.
Rihanna, born Robyn Rihanna Fenty, first broke into the music industry by working as a ghost songwriter for cult devil metallers Nunslaughter in the early 2000s. Shortly after her work on the satanic group’s 2003 album, Goat, she auditioned for celebrated rapper Jay Z, then-president of Def Jam Recordings, and the rest is history.
Her last album, Anti-(Chris)t, was released in early 2016 via Century Media and Peaceville Records. It was certified double platinum by the Recording Industry Association of America (RIAA) on May 5, becoming the first multi-platinum album of 2016.
blackout poetry, Century Media, Chris Brown, Dan Seagrave, Death Metal, death metal logo, Deeds of Flesh, Def Jam Recordings, Erik Lindmark, Good Girl Gone Bad, gorod, Hammer Smashed Face, Jason Suecof, Jay Z, Knuckle Smashed Face, Labor Day Weekend, Nunslaughter, Peaceville Records, publicity stunt, Rihanna, Rings of Saturn, Soreption, Tech death, Umbrella, Unique Leader Records, VMA 2016
Reunited rockers Rage Against The Machine have taken another bold stand against capitalism by re-signing with revolutionary record label Sony. The multinational corporate giant has made no secret of their hatred of consumer capitalism and plan to help Rage Against The Machine lead a worker revolt that will bring the current world order to its knees.
Guitarist Tom Morello announced their act of rebellion only moments after introducing the strongly anti-capitalist rock band Kiss during their induction to the Rock’N’Roll Hall of Fame. Kiss, who has refused to sell their lunchboxes, toys, and tee shirts to anyone who openly opposes the Zapatista revolution in Mexico, plan to release an anti-capitalismcore album called “Rockers of the World Unite” through Sony in the fall.
According to Sony spokesperson George Rockwell, “It is obvious that capitalism has failed. We plan on supporting America’s transition to communism by selling Che Guevara hoodies, Mao Tse-Tung denim jackets and Fidel Castro bobblehead dolls. Let’s face it, the only way to destroy capitalism is by using capitalism to sell products meant to destroy capitalism.”
Morello’s contributions to the revolution have included contributing to the soundtracks of Talladega Nights: The Ricky Bobby Story and The A-Team movie. He and bandmate Zach de La Rocha’s music were also a part of the Trotskyite videogame Guitar Hero. Rage Against The Machine’s vitriolic stand against capitalism in all of its insidious forms has even managed to infect the iPod of former Republican Vice Presidential Nominee Paul Ryan, helping him through many difficult workouts.
Sony’s President Ron Boehner has made no secret of their support for “legends of anti-capitalism like Norm Chomsky and Erma Goldman”. Sony’s corporate vision includes turning all of their factories over to the workers by the year 3071 and helping to open more coal plants to slow the effects of global warming.
Tom Morello’s side project, Rage Against The Washing Machine Sponsored By The Whirlpool Corporation, are known for their rock covers of Pete Seeger and Paul Robeson songs. They are currently touring malls throughout the Midwest.
(This letter arrived earlier this morning at The Tyranny of Tradition Offices in Atlanta, Georgia by carrier pigeon)
Dear Army of False Metal,
I write to you today from an undisclosed location in the mountains of Cleveland, Ohio. Using intelligence supplied by the CIA, Manowar’s drone strikes have continued in Afghanistan tens of thousands of miles away from our hideout. Our War Against Heavy Metal continues! We will fight in the air! We will fight in the sea! We will never surrender!
Today, I come to you with a political message. While the American democracy has pretty much become the laughingstock of nearly anyone who doesn’t drool while they speak, we still believe the process can help us attain our ends….The Full Scale Destruction of Heavy Metal. This is why I, as a registered voter in the State of Georgia, have decided to support Senatorial Candidate Paul Broun in his quest for victory.
Why support a man who should probably be institutionalized for comments like “evolution is a lie from the pit of hell”? After all, Broun is so far to the right he makes Ronald Reagan look like Abbie Hoffman.
No political labels apply in The Freak Future. It doesn’t matter if you are a conservative or a liberal. We are only concerned with whether you have what it takes to help us remove heavy metal from the earth once and for all. Paul Broun is that type of man.
While I’ve never actually heard Broun comment on heavy metal, his four-pronged decision making process is possibly the most decisive and simplified method of determining policy since Robespierre started using the guillotine. It is so simple a three-year-old child could grasp it. Broun asks four questions. If the answer is yes for all four, he votes for it. If the answer is no to even one, he votes against it.
The questions are:
- Is it Right/Moral? (in the Christian sense, of course)
- Is it Constitutional?
- Is it Necessary?
- Is it Affordable?
Putting aside the fact that many highly intelligent people disagree on whether certain things are moral, constitutional, necessary or affordable and only a mentally defective farm animal would not know that, it is clear that this system can be of great benefit to the Anti-Metal Revolution.
If you run heavy metal through Broun’s Guillotine, it is clear that he is our ally:
- Metal is clearly immoral. Anyone who has looked at the cover of a Cannibal Corpse album or waited patiently for the new Rotting Christ to come out has to, on some level, recognize that metal is the music of Satan. Now, I don’t actually care about this and rather enjoy its demonic nature, but if we want to bring back The Tipper Gore Show Trials, this is a wonderful tool to get us there.
- Metal is clearly unconstitutional. When God wrote the Constitution, I am sure He didn’t mean for the whole free speech thing to protect longhaired heathens. The first Ten Commandments to The Constitution surely do not protect the enemies of freedom and liberty.
- Metal is not necessary. You can’t eat heavy metal to provide the body sustenance, you cannot breathe heavy metal in order to not suffocate, and you cannot drink heavy metal to quench your body’s natural thirst. Unless it is necessary to keep human beings making over 100,000 dollars a year alive, it is not necessary in Broun’s world.
- Metal is not affordable. Anyone who has paid 80 bucks to see Iron Maiden play “Lord of The Flies” and a bunch of other songs that everyone hates or has picked up a second mortgage on their home to buy the 9 disc Immolation box set because of the rare, unreleased Molly Hatchet cover on it knows exactly what I’m talking about.
Bingo…4 for 4! Truthfully, none of these points actually matter, it’s just a gimmick to spare voters from actually pondering the meaning of the critical issues that affect their lives. The truth is, Broun’s Guillotine is nothing more than a Trojan horse to smuggle in almost any agenda that he and his campaign donors want. And one of those things could be the annihilation of heavy metal! Maybe even a few metalheads in the process!
The Revolution Will Be Lobotomized! We Are The Freak Future!
The War on Anti-Metal has begun. The opening salvo of a campaign to capture and kill members of PMRC (The People’s Metal Revolutionary Committee) started early this morning when Manowar launched drone fighters to bombard the anti-metal stronghold in the mountains of Afghanistan.
The PMRC, a nonviolent movement of insurgents known for scathing anti-metal satire and their bizarre manifesto “Heavy Metal Must Be Destroyed”, have taken to the hills to “eradicate the tired, stale traditions that have rotted away a once great form of music and rebellion.”
Several members of the PMRC sleeper were arrested last month by the FBI in connection with an attempt to pass out One Direction shirts to fans attending a Slayer concert. A similar arrest was made after two PMRC members took over the airwaves of WRAT, a metal radio station in Toledo, Ohio, and played Mariah Carey’s song “Hero” continuously for three straight hours.
The strikes, known as “Operation Black Wind, Fire and Steel”, are an attempt to root out the Enemies of True Metal. In a speech earlier today, Five Star Metal General Joey DeMaio stated that the strikes are meant, “to destroy The Axis of Posers”.
The laser guided precision bombs, similar to those used by the US military, were dropped on the caves of Tora Bora. 4 out of 30 hit their targets, breaking the record of 3 out of 30 set by the military back in 2003. Two of the bombs that went slightly off course did significant damage. One hit a village outside of Bangalore, India while the other destroyed a hot dog stand in Sacramento, California.
Metal Emperor Eric W. Adams announced the attacks on television last night in front of the Congress of Metal Gods. “The evil ones have roused a mighty nation of metal warriors. However long it takes, I am determined that we will prevail. And prevail we must, because we fight for one thing, and that is heavy metal, and the freedom of metal heads everywhere.”
In a rousing conclusion to his speech, Adams brought the crowd to its feet for a 10 minute standing ovation. “Ours is the cause of metal. We’ve defeated metal’s enemies before, and we will defeat them again. We cannot know every turn this battle will take, yet we know our cause is just and our ultimate victory is assured. We will no doubt face new challenges, but we have our marching orders. My fellow metalheads, let’s roll.”
Comandante 666 (a shadowy, demented propagandist named Keith Spillett) is the leader of the PMRC. Manowar has offered their entire discography on vinyl along with an autographed Karl Logan guitar as a bounty on Spillett. If his head is brought to Manowar in a burlap sack, they will also provide the assassin with a pair of drumsticks used by Rhino during the Triumph of Steel studio sessions. However, most of the merch, which the band paid the Halliburton Corporation over 10 million dollars to produce, will be awarded for Spillett “dead or alive”.
Spillett and the PMRC released a videotape to the major cable news networks from an unknown cave in the mountains of Tora Bora, located somewhere between Pakistan and Cleveland. In the tape, he announced a “Holy War against Manowar.”
The ten minute recording was highlighted by Spillett’s pronouncement that “metal has become cliché ridden nonsense. Corpse paint, Vikings, Lord of The Rings references, random band names taken out of medical textbooks, mosh pits, recycled trends and arguments about ‘who is more pure’ are pretty much all that is left.”
“Metal should be about rebellion from cliché and breaking away from the ridiculous standards placed upon us by a culture gone mad. Instead, it’s about elder worship, paying 80 bucks to hear some album live that you’ve heard eight thousand times and writing RIP next to the names of a bunch of ‘fallen heroes’ in order to show allegiance to ‘the cause’. Destruction is the only form of creation left to us. I love heavy metal with all my heart, that is why I believe it must be destroyed!”
“The idols of metal must be smashed! Its clichés must be annihilated! In its destruction, we shall create a new metal! A freak future! A new art completely outside of the traditions and rituals of our post-modern nightmare of a world. We shall capture and live in the moment we broke away from the conformity of society and discovered ourselves as metalheads. And we shall construct a new reality!”
We are the freak future. We are the new violence.
We are rapidly approaching a new epoch in human history. One marked by the complete destruction of all form and meaning. This formless apocalypse appears to us now in the form of a rapid decay of authentic creativity and a terminal bloodlust for conformity. That will change.
It seems as if the envelope has been pushed to its limits and there is nothing left to do but repackage the old as the new. New technologies once seemed to open an unlimited array of possibility; instead of using this to push beyond the boundaries of mystery and wonder, we have recycled our thoughts and ideas to the point of unintelligibility. The world is a meme of a kitten playing with a ball of yarn.
This horrible present will not last. Eventually, the strings to the puppet show will become so obvious, even the most blind and witless among us won’t be able to delude themselves into thinking the grand illusion is truth. Our culture of zombiehood, our everyday suicideless suicide is unsustainable.
There are no more landscapes to be painted. No more sunsets to be photographed. The art of the future will be the expression of the psychic terror at the core of our being. The repressed animal within us can only be held down so long.
You can see it everywhere you look. We have defiled our economic, political and social lives with empty expressions of the past. We are hell bent on the destruction of our planet, our communities and our physical selves because we have begun to sense the hollowness at their core. We have begun to awaken only to find ourselves imprisoned in a coffin six feet under the ground.
There is only one means to revive our worm-infested corpses from the decay and rot that has become our world. A new destruction. A new violence. Complete and total annihilation of tradition in all of its hideous mental forms.
Even the idea of destruction has been castrated by cliché. People often equate destruction with physical violence. What is rarely understood is that the French Revolution ended the minute the first head fell into a basket. The Russian Revolution was over the moment the Czar and his family had been slaughtered. Physical violence is not a revolutionary act, rather an attempt to mirror the tradition of the consolidation of control that has stymied the best impulses within us.
The destruction being talked about here is much more akin to the idea of rejection. It is a non-stop war on reality. This battle will be fought on a psychic level in every moment. The minute it is given a name it has lost its power. It can only exist in the present and can only be understood in the form of contradiction. We think therefore we are not.
All revolutions begin and end in the mind. They are physically manifested in art but are reified and trivialized in their transformation to the form of commodity. Only when metal was new to us, a creation of our need to rebel against anything and everything, was it real.
At the core of each metalhead is a revolutionary. The moment each of these disparate people discovered their own alienation and connected to the experience of isolation and hopeless embodied in this form of music was the moment that each of us threw off the chains that strangle the thing within us that seeks to live.
The simple classification as heavy metal as a style of music is wrong. Metal is, in its rawest form, an accusation leveled at our societies the failure to treat us as authentic beings. Our moment of awakening was our revolution. But we have let it wither and die by making it a thing to be bought and sold.
Instead of understanding this break with organized, polite society as a revolutionary action, we have simply attempted to return to the moment of our awakening over and over again, never understanding that this myth of eternal return is the single greatest death we could ever experience.
This is why we must destroy heavy metal. Only by destroying it can we live. Only by tearing down its mythos, by defaming its heroes, by annihilating its stagnant form can we bring about a moment-to-moment revolution of the spirit.
Walk away from metal. Right now. In the middle of this sentence, walk away. Use its destruction to power your new life. Pick its body clean of experience and leave its carcass in the past.
We are the freak future. We are the new violence.
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