Posts Tagged The War on Glands

Manowar Uses Drone Strikes To Assassinate Anti-Metal Revolutionaries In Mountains Of Afghanistan

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The War on Anti-Metal has begun. The opening salvo of a campaign to capture and kill members of PMRC (The People’s Metal Revolutionary Committee) started early this morning when Manowar launched drone fighters to bombard the anti-metal stronghold in the mountains of Afghanistan.

The PMRC, a nonviolent movement of insurgents known for scathing anti-metal satire and their bizarre manifesto “Heavy Metal Must Be Destroyed”, have taken to the hills to “eradicate the tired, stale traditions that have rotted away a once great form of music and rebellion.”

Several members of the PMRC sleeper were arrested last month by the FBI in connection with an attempt to pass out One Direction shirts to fans attending a Slayer concert. A similar arrest was made after two PMRC members took over the airwaves of WRAT, a metal radio station in Toledo, Ohio, and played Mariah Carey’s song “Hero” continuously for three straight hours.

The strikes, known as “Operation Black Wind, Fire and Steel”, are an attempt to root out the Enemies of True Metal. In a speech earlier today, Five Star Metal General Joey DeMaio stated that the strikes are meant, “to destroy The Axis of Posers”.

The laser guided precision bombs, similar to those used by the US military, were dropped on the caves of Tora Bora. 4 out of 30 hit their targets, breaking the record of 3 out of 30 set by the military back in 2003. Two of the bombs that went slightly off course did significant damage.  One hit a village outside of Bangalore, India while the other destroyed a hot dog stand in Sacramento, California.

Metal Emperor Eric W. Adams announced the attacks on television last night in front of the Congress of Metal Gods. “The evil ones have roused a mighty nation of metal warriors. However long it takes, I am determined that we will prevail. And prevail we must, because we fight for one thing, and that is heavy metal, and the freedom of metal heads everywhere.”

In a rousing conclusion to his speech, Adams brought the crowd to its feet for a 10 minute standing ovation. “Ours is the cause of metal. We’ve defeated metal’s enemies before, and we will defeat them again. We cannot know every turn this battle will take, yet we know our cause is just and our ultimate victory is assured. We will no doubt face new challenges, but we have our marching orders. My fellow metalheads, let’s roll.”

Comandate 666 (Keith Spillett) During His Videotaped Message

Comandate 666 (Keith Spillett) During His Videotaped Message

Comandante 666 (a shadowy, demented propagandist named Keith Spillett) is the leader of the PMRC. Manowar has offered their entire discography on vinyl along with an autographed Karl Logan guitar as a bounty on Spillett. If his head is brought to Manowar in a burlap sack, they will also provide the assassin with a pair of drumsticks used by Rhino during the Triumph of Steel studio sessions. However, most of the merch, which the band paid the Halliburton Corporation over 10 million dollars to produce, will be awarded for Spillett “dead or alive”.

Spillett and the PMRC released a videotape to the major cable news networks from an unknown cave in the mountains of Tora Bora, located somewhere between Pakistan and Cleveland. In the tape, he announced a “Holy War against Manowar.”

The ten minute recording was highlighted by Spillett’s pronouncement that “metal has become cliché ridden nonsense. Corpse paint, Vikings, Lord of The Rings references, random band names taken out of medical textbooks, mosh pits, recycled trends and arguments about ‘who is more pure’ are pretty much all that is left.”

“Metal should be about rebellion from cliché and breaking away from the ridiculous standards placed upon us by a culture gone mad. Instead, it’s about elder worship, paying 80 bucks to hear some album live that you’ve heard eight thousand times and writing RIP next to the names of a bunch of ‘fallen heroes’ in order to show allegiance to ‘the cause’. Destruction is the only form of creation left to us. I love heavy metal with all my heart, that is why I believe it must be destroyed!”

“The idols of metal must be smashed! Its clichés must be annihilated! In its destruction, we shall create a new metal! A freak future! A new art completely outside of the traditions and rituals of our post-modern nightmare of a world. We shall capture and live in the moment we broke away from the conformity of society and discovered ourselves as metalheads. And we shall construct a new reality!”

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New ESPN Commercial Features Metallica Drummer Lars Ulrich Eating Wilt Chamberlain’s Pituitary Gland

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When Lars Ulrich paid $120,000 dollars for the rights to own former Laker great Wilt Chamberlain’s pituitary gland last month at a Los Angeles auction, experts speculated that he was losing his mind.  After all, what possible use could the gland of a four-time NBA most valuable player have?  People laughed as Lars overbid by almost $100,000 dollars to ensure he locked up the rights to the secretory organ.  They aren’t laughing anymore.

During a soon-to-be-aired ESPN commercial, Lars began gnawing on Chamberlain’s gland while the rest of the band stood around telling standard, boring rockstar jokes.   By the end of the commercial Lars had grown to the height of 8 foot 3.  Only recently, height experts had estimated Ulrich to be a mere 5 foot 6.   Some experts have speculated that Ulrich’s height may reach 11 foot 7 within the next month.

Ulrich Moments Before His Appearance Onstage in Sao Paulo

Ulrich Moments Before His Appearance On ESPN

The consumption of the glands by metal celebrities is rare but not unheard of.  Back in 2006, Slayer vocalist Tom Araya was seen chewing on the adrenal gland of famed actor Lee Marvin at a Corrosion of Conformity show.  At the time, many experts in the field of adrenal gland eating believed that Lee Marvin’s organ contained a rare hormone that would allow anyone consuming it to become invisible for 12 hours.  Araya, however, merely ended up with a headache and a brief, bizarre hallucination where he believed that he was former President Rutherford B. Hayes.

While consuming the glands of other humans tends to be unpopular, the inhalation of donkey glands has become a fad among many of today’s teens.  Snorting donkey glands (or glarfing as many teens call it) has become the main recreational activity of a whole generation of adolescents.  The effects of one “rail” of donkey gland can be feelings of unbridled euphoria, the power to control the minds of others, werewolfism and even, in some cases, vortex breath (the ability to exhale gale force winds from one’s mouth and nostrils).

In spite of the fact that they are illegal in 26 states, donkey glands are available at most corner gas stations and even some supermarkets.  According to some donkey gland abuse experts, 1 out of every 3 American teens have experimented with glarfing.   Police are reporting an alarming rise in the number glarfing and driving arrests.  The U.S. might well be in the grips of a donkey gland snorting epidemic.

The logistical ramifications of Lars’ decision to abuse the gland of Wilt Chamberlain could be significant.  After all, fitting behind a drum kit at nearly 12 feet tall might pose a serious challenge to the once diminutive Ulrich.  However, the bigger concern for society at large are the effects of a role model like Ulrich sending the message that it is “cool” for young people to engage in glandular abuse.

With America facing a glarfing crisis, some experts believe the tacit celebrity endorsement of the recreational consumption of glands could lead to a situation where all forms of authority are undercut and full-scale anarchy and chaos grip the nation.  The American family could be entirely annihilated.  Humans might be replaced by zombie-like, gland-addicted creatures that stumble through the streets at all hours searching for their next fix.

The entire fabric of modern civilization might be destroyed.  Or even worse, many of the long cherished records held by professional athletes could be shattered by hormone-gargling, mutant “superathletes”.  Many experts believe that the only solution to this epidemic is a full scale War on Glands where the military is used to break up international gland cartels and high school students are subjected to twenty hours per week of gland abuse reeducation.

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