Posts Tagged donkey glands

NSA Chief: Wiretapping Prevented Disastrous Bono/Metallica Collaboration

Keith St. Anger nsa

In testimony before Congress today, National Security Agency Director General Keith Alexander testified that surveillance of nearly every single person in the United States has not only helped to thwart over 50 terrorist attacks, but has yielded the added benefit of stopping an album featuring the members of Metallica and U2 frontman Bono.  While Americans are torn about surrendering civil liberties in order to prevent potential terrorist attacks, almost everybody agreed that a Metallica/Bono album had to be stopped under any circumstances.

Alexander was frank when he discussed the possible effects of another miserable Metallica album with the House Intelligence Committee.  “We survived the whole Metallica/Lou Reed “Lulu” disaster, but another horrible album featuring a celebrity hipster warbling embarrassing vocals over metal riffs was something that threatened to tear this great nation apart.”

Lars Ulrich foolish

In a Gallup Poll, 98 percent of Americans agreed they would be willing to give up any of the Constitution’s protections in order to avoid a sonic atrocity on this scale. “Hell, I’ll give up freedom of speech, freedom of the press, freedom of assembly.  You can search my home, take my guns, make me testify against myself.  I’ll even quarter soldiers.  Just for God sakes, don’t let Bono appear on a Metallica record,” said Helmholtz Watson, a professor of Heavy Metal Studies at Emory University in Atlanta, in a statement that echoed the sentiments of nearly every American.

According to Alexander, Metallica drummer Lars Ulrich contacted Bono last November in an attempt to gauge his willingness to be part of a project.  The NSA had been monitoring Ulrich, who has been under investigation for trafficking in donkey thyroid glands, for the past 2 years.  When NSA agents heard Ulrich utter the phrase “adult contemporary sounding metal album” they immediately went into action.

Ulrich was arrested and questioned for 12 hours the next day.  While he failed to discuss the Bono/Metallica plot, he did confess that Enter Sandman sounds way too much like Excel’s Tapping Into The Emotional Void to be a coincidence.  He was released, but detained and questioned again when he was spotted late that week in a Sam Goody’s in Venice Beach trying to buy a copy of U2’s 1993 album Zooropa.

U2Bono

Authorities say that the conspiracy never got past the planning stage and, in spite of their desire to “beat Bono like a redheaded stepchild”, the NSA believes that no actual criminal activity took place.  Still, as a precaution, they are continuing to monitor the phone calls of every American who owns a Metallica or U2 album, as well as several Pakistani nationals living in Michigan, Ohio, and Florida.

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New ESPN Commercial Features Metallica Drummer Lars Ulrich Eating Wilt Chamberlain’s Pituitary Gland

ulrich

When Lars Ulrich paid $120,000 dollars for the rights to own former Laker great Wilt Chamberlain’s pituitary gland last month at a Los Angeles auction, experts speculated that he was losing his mind.  After all, what possible use could the gland of a four-time NBA most valuable player have?  People laughed as Lars overbid by almost $100,000 dollars to ensure he locked up the rights to the secretory organ.  They aren’t laughing anymore.

During a soon-to-be-aired ESPN commercial, Lars began gnawing on Chamberlain’s gland while the rest of the band stood around telling standard, boring rockstar jokes.   By the end of the commercial Lars had grown to the height of 8 foot 3.  Only recently, height experts had estimated Ulrich to be a mere 5 foot 6.   Some experts have speculated that Ulrich’s height may reach 11 foot 7 within the next month.

Ulrich Moments Before His Appearance Onstage in Sao Paulo

Ulrich Moments Before His Appearance On ESPN

The consumption of the glands by metal celebrities is rare but not unheard of.  Back in 2006, Slayer vocalist Tom Araya was seen chewing on the adrenal gland of famed actor Lee Marvin at a Corrosion of Conformity show.  At the time, many experts in the field of adrenal gland eating believed that Lee Marvin’s organ contained a rare hormone that would allow anyone consuming it to become invisible for 12 hours.  Araya, however, merely ended up with a headache and a brief, bizarre hallucination where he believed that he was former President Rutherford B. Hayes.

While consuming the glands of other humans tends to be unpopular, the inhalation of donkey glands has become a fad among many of today’s teens.  Snorting donkey glands (or glarfing as many teens call it) has become the main recreational activity of a whole generation of adolescents.  The effects of one “rail” of donkey gland can be feelings of unbridled euphoria, the power to control the minds of others, werewolfism and even, in some cases, vortex breath (the ability to exhale gale force winds from one’s mouth and nostrils).

In spite of the fact that they are illegal in 26 states, donkey glands are available at most corner gas stations and even some supermarkets.  According to some donkey gland abuse experts, 1 out of every 3 American teens have experimented with glarfing.   Police are reporting an alarming rise in the number glarfing and driving arrests.  The U.S. might well be in the grips of a donkey gland snorting epidemic.

The logistical ramifications of Lars’ decision to abuse the gland of Wilt Chamberlain could be significant.  After all, fitting behind a drum kit at nearly 12 feet tall might pose a serious challenge to the once diminutive Ulrich.  However, the bigger concern for society at large are the effects of a role model like Ulrich sending the message that it is “cool” for young people to engage in glandular abuse.

With America facing a glarfing crisis, some experts believe the tacit celebrity endorsement of the recreational consumption of glands could lead to a situation where all forms of authority are undercut and full-scale anarchy and chaos grip the nation.  The American family could be entirely annihilated.  Humans might be replaced by zombie-like, gland-addicted creatures that stumble through the streets at all hours searching for their next fix.

The entire fabric of modern civilization might be destroyed.  Or even worse, many of the long cherished records held by professional athletes could be shattered by hormone-gargling, mutant “superathletes”.  Many experts believe that the only solution to this epidemic is a full scale War on Glands where the military is used to break up international gland cartels and high school students are subjected to twenty hours per week of gland abuse reeducation.

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