Archive for category Totally Useless Information

Look At The Silly Metal Mammals

See The Metal Mammals At Work…

Metal Mammals

 

See The Metal Mammals at Play…

metal mammals

 

See the Metal Mammals Dressed In Their Metal Mammal Costumes…Metal-Mammals

 

Silly Metal Mammals…

metal-mammals

 

Silly, Silly Metal Mammals…

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Sometimes Metal Mammals Are Angry…

metal-mammals

 

Sometimes Metal Mammals Are Sad…

Metal-Mammals

 

Some Metal Mammals Are Big…

metal-mammals

 

Some Metal Mammals Are Small…

metal-mammals

 

Every Metal Mammal Is Special In His Own Way…

metal-mammals

 

But The Most Special, Important, Wonderful Metal Mammal…

In The Whole Wide World…

IS YOU!!!

metal-mammal

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SLAAAAAAAAAAAYERRRRR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

SLAAAAAAAAYER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

SLAAAAAAAAYER!!!!!!!!!!SLAAAAAAAAYER!!!!!!!!!!!

SLAAAAAAAAYER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!SLAAAAAAAAYER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!SLAAAAAAAAYER!!!!!!

TomAraya

 

SLAAAAAAAYERRR!!!!

 

SLAAAYER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

SLAAAAAAAAYER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

SLAAAAAAAAYER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

SLAAAAAAAAYER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  SLAAAAAAAAYER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

SLAAAAAAAAYER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

SLAAAAAAAAYYYYYYYYYERRRRRRRRRRRR!!!!!!!

SLAYERRRRRRRRRRRRR!!!!!

SLAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAYYYYYYYYYYYERRRRRRRRR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

SLAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAYYYYYYYYYYYERRRRRRRRR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

(slayer?)…….SLAYYYYYYYYYYEEEEEEEEEEEEEERRRRRRRRRR.

slaaaaaaaAAAAAAAAAAAYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYER!

SLAYERRRRRRRRRRR!!!!!!!!

SLAAAAAAAAYER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!SLAYERRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

SLLLLLLLLAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAYER

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

S

L

A

Y

E

R!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!SLAYER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!SLAYER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

awwwwwww....slayer........

awwwwwww….slayer……..

SLAAAAAAAAYER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

(Or…………..Public Discourse In The 21st Century)

 

20 Comments

Setting The Record Straight: The Truth Behind Five Popular Heavy Metal Stories

dio metal horns

Often at this website, we are accused of fabricating stories or writing “joke news” articles.  While we consider this sort of attack on our jurnalizmcore integrity to be unfounded and patently absurd, we are willing to admit that there is a good deal of fake news out there parading as truth.  Tyranny of Tradition’s staff of over 500 reporters, 700 editors and 3,000 fact checkers constantly strive to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth.  The same cannot be said for many of the best-known acts in heavy metal.

The truth is that many of the most memorable stories in metal history are just that, stories.  Nothing more than creations of either the artist or the record label in order to drum up attention for the band.  Here are a few of the most famous myths in heavy metal history unmasked once and for all.

Myth #1:   Dio Invented The Heavy Metal Horns Up Hand Symbol In Praise of The Devil

For a myth to be effective, it often has to have a shred of truth in it.  While it is true that Dio first used and popularized the symbol, it was not invented as the shout out to Satan that most people think.  While Dio was touring with the band Elf in 1972, the band visited Canberra, Australia.  While there, he was performing in front of a crowd filled with mostly deaf aborigines.

During the first song, many in the crowd realized that Dio’s fly was unzipped.  The symbol in Aboriginal Sign Language for “your fly is down” is the horns hand gesture.  Hundreds of people began flashing the sign to Dio, who, thinking it was a spontaneous show of enthusiasm for his music, began flashing it back.  Finally, he realized why they were doing it and took care of the embarrassing situation.  However, he was so impressed by the sea of horns up hand signs, he began incorporating it into his stage act.  Satan had nothing to do with it.

Myth #2  Suicidal Tendencies Singer Mike Muir Is A Jehovah’s Witness

We are often astonished at how many people in our culture are members of this religious movement.  From Prince to Venus and Serena Williams to Abbath, there are many recognizable cultural icons that you wouldn’t think are Jehovah’s Witnesses but are.  Some, like Abbath, even still go door to door preaching The Word.  Mike Muir, however, is not one.

An article appeared 3 years ago in USA Today about the religions history in which Muir was described as an active member of the faith.  The reporter confused Mike Muir from Suicidal Tendencies with Mike Muir, a carpenter from San Luis Obispo, California.  Don’t expect Cyco Miko to come a’knocking at your door anytime soon.

Myth #3 Dave Mustaine Was Once in Metallica

In many ways, this is truly The Great Rock’N’Roll Swindle.  It started as a joke between friends Lars Ulrich and Dave Mustaine.  The two concocted a pretend feud centered on a made up story about Mustaine being kicked out of Metallica.  This was completely untrue.  Over the years, the joke has gotten somewhat out of control with Mustaine going so far as to put a song exactly like a Metallica song on a Megadeth album (Mechanix, a direct copy of The Four Horseman) and several doctored photos and videos of Mustaine with Metallica floating around on the internet.  Things really reached a ridiculous level in 2004 when Ulrich and Mustaine created the hysterical “little Danish friend” scene in the Spinal Tap sequel known as “Some Kind of Monster”.

Myth #4  Happy Days Actor Scott Baio Was The Original Drummer For Slayer

This is yet another in a series of examples of how, as Mark Twain once said, “A heavy metal lie can go halfway around the world before the truth can put on it’s combat boots”.  Scott Baio, known for his work on sitcoms “Happy Days” and “Charles In Charge”, was linked to the band on several websites earlier this year including a Facebook site called “I Bet I Can Get A Million Lithuanians To Tell Kerry King To Let Scott Baio Back In Slayer.”  The rumor, as strange as it sounds, wasn’t all that far from the truth.   Baio is, in fact, a die-hard metal head and played drums briefly in the 80s thrash band Forbidden, but was never in Slayer.

Myth #5  Cronos is The Uncle of British Princess Kate Middleton

This ridiculous, unfounded rumor was circulated around the Internet by some 3rd rate metal Onion site.  Why an Onion would be made out of metal is beside the point.  Typically, Mother Nature is capable of producing both metals and vegetables, but rarely has she seen fit to create a hybrid of the two.  And what would be the point of such a vegetable?

Anyway, this rumor got so out of control that the Royal Family was forced to issue denials and actually barred the writer from ever visiting England.  But, he was not planning on going there anyway, because he had heard that British people eat fish and chips off of newspaper.  Which is disgusting.

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Tom Araya Hints At Retirement In New Slayer Songs

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LOS ANGELES – Kerry King aired his frustration about the lyrical direction of the next Slayer album in an interview on the Fuse Network today, stating that frontman Tom Araya won’t stop submitting song lyrics about retirement.

“Tom keeps writing all these lyrics that at first seemed weird and dark,” said the famously grumpy guitarist, “but now I’m not really sure what he’s really trying to say.”

“This early one, ‘The Final Sleep’, sounded cool and promising,” he continued, “but then he started handing in stuff that started getting way off-base.”

As King leafed through the stack of material, songs with titles like ‘The Charade is Over’, ‘End of the Line’, ‘How Much is Enough’, and ‘Let Me Rest’, were all visible, and the condition of the pages became visibly more ragged as newer entries were examined. Finally he arrived at the most recent submission, which was simply a cocktail napkin with the word ‘STOP’ written across it in black magic marker.

“What am I supposed to do with this?” asked King as he held up the napkin, “and look at this one – ‘401K’? What the hell? I originally thought it was another serial killer reference, but now I’m not so sure.”

Araya and the late Jeff Hanneman were known for collaborating on some of the band’s most memorable lyrics, and many fans had already voiced concern about Slayer’s direction in the wake of Hanneman’s passing.

When asked about the outcome of the next album, the lead axeman remained confident, stating, “I have written plenty of lyrics for Slayer, so it’s not like I can’t handle this myself. Tom’s welcome to contribute, but he’s going to have to give me something better than songs about driving an RV, fishing, or spending time with family.”

Tom Araya could not be reached for comment, as he was reportedly at home and watching television while stretched out on the couch.

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Mental Health Community Classifies David Coverdale’s Disorder

David Coverdale

The American Psychiatric Association announced today that they have classified a new mental illness known as David Coverdale’s Disorder. DCD is a disorder named for Whitesnake frontman David Coverdale, and it is characterized by a high degree of salaciousness and narcissism that can be devastating to affected individuals.

The APA has published a list of associated symptoms and encourage people who suspect they may have DCD to contact a mental health professional right away. Males 35-45 are considered the highest risk group.

Symptoms include:

  • Relentless sexual arousal, regardless of the circumstances
  • Uncontrollable sweating
  • Restlessness
  • A hugely inflated sense of self
  • Compulsive use of double entendres or innuendo
  • Kissing with tongue exclusively, including family members
  • Increased cheesiness
  • A tendency to walk the streets at night (also associated with Dokken’s Syndrome)
  • Strong attraction to torrid situations
  • High saliva production
  • Leathery skin
  • Body odor that mimics cologne or body spray
  • Excessive smugness
  • A penchant for medallions

As of yet, no single course of treatment for this disorder is proven, though members of the health community expect that its effects are reduced through aging or an acrimonious split with Tawny Kitaen.

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True Norwegian Black Friday: The Story Behind Extreme Nordic Capitalism

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“All hail the instigators of northern consumerism, Thanksgiving ist krieg!” says the grandmother of three who wears corpse paint as they walk by a newlywed couple expecting their first child at a store in Hopkins, Minnesota. The jovial scene and festivities inspire the lovers so much, they decide to name their firstborn Borknagar.

True Norwegian Black Friday has come a long way since 1950’s America, when it was first introduced to the country by the Minnesota Vikings. They brought the tradition from Scandinavia after their 1951 tour with Danzig in hopes of recreating the low prices and tales of Satanic elves they found in Helvete, a store in Norway.

The Tyranny of Tradition editorial staff spared no expense to search the truth behind the late November sales and traveled to Oslo, where Mortiis (born Mortimer Håvard Ellefsen), former Emperor bass player, manages the local chain of stores Varg-Mart, infamous for their slogan: Vi dolke høye priser i hodet! (We stab high prices in the head!). Their headquarter is conveniently located in what used to be Helvete, where Euronymous, Norwegian Black Metal pioneer, and Edmond Adolphe de Rothschild, Jewish banker, formed the alliance to sell extreme records at low prices.

“The Scandinavian tradition started when Allfather Odin was on a budget after wedding Frigga, known as Rene Russo in times before the light, and he needed to covet weapons for Ragnarok to fight the frost giant fanatics of the Sarpsborg band. While in the gardening department of a Nordstrom store, Odin fought a local hippie named Olaff over the last Gungnir in existence (a naturist brand of spearlike sticks used for planting seeds) and lost an eye in the altercation. The Ruler of Asgard sued the company and won a fortune. The court also sentenced the retailer to close all of its gardening departments to avoid further confrontations and eye loss.”

“Odin used his money to start the furniture company Ikea and take a vacation in Amsterdam, where he started a bromance with his fellow beard enthusiast Santa Claus, A.K.A. Sinterklaas, a sailor with an extensive record of breaking and entering into private property. They plotted together a pyramid scheme that consisted in giving children gifts and sticking their parents with the bill in the name of their other bearded acquaintance, Jesus, who they didn’t really like.”

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After we learned the history of Black Friday, Mortiis was kind enough to hook us up with an exclusive interview with Burzum International CEO, Lord of the Rings cosplayer, and advocate of all True Scandinavian traditions Varg Vikernes, who currently resides in France.*

“I’m not a Nazi. All of my banking friends are Jewish, and this is not a Swastika I’m wearing, it’s Fylfot, Thor’s ninja throwing star.” Stated the musician before we asked anything.

“Even though the holiday started in another country before any of us were born, it was people like Fenriz and myself who gave it its true identity. Me and a bunch of easily-impressionable kids came up with burning down churches as a publicity stunt that would bring business to both Christian contractors and Black Metal artists. It’s all about keeping the capital flowing. Look at what happened with the hostile takeover of Helvete. Euronymous wasn’t making any profit out of our church-burning meshuggah just because of his absurd hippie ideologies. Things needed to change rapidly, because we knew True Norwegian Black Metal is about making a buck.”

“Darkthrone records their music with an answering machine, uses Xerox copies for their cover art and there you go, you have a LP with a retail price that costs as much as a Behemoth album but didn’t waste money in production value. Hell, I’ve done it over and over again. I recorded a couple of albums from prison** with the cheapest synthesizer money can buy, wrote a bunch of repetitive Summoning rip-offs in a couple of hours and BOOM, I’m monetising my incarceration.”

“I’m very happy to see True Norwegian Black Friday has made it’s way to the American November, with the bargains and people wearing construction nails in hopes of poking someone’s eye out as they fight for a cheap X-Box One, re-enacting the greatest battle of Allfather Odin.”

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Burzum’s latest album titled Det Som En Gangvar Style was released on November 1st. It’s a new all-synth ambient CD that mixes long folk passages with hardcore elevator music recorded with the raw Necrojungle signature beats Vikernes has made popular. The ten minute jingles of the album are being played in malls and department stores all throughout America, and it makes a swell present for all the family!

Image*Vikernes exiled himself from Norway after a tape of himself and Sonja, Queen of Norway, in compromising positions was leaked and available on Netflix Scandinavia.

**The artist formerly known as Accountant Grishnackh was prosecuted for insurance fraud and larceny in 1994. He pulled the scam by getting a life insurance for bandmate Euronymous, hiding him in a trunk for 19 years, claiming the insurance money, and taking over his business.

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Metal Band Name Reserve To Be Completely Depleted By 2016 Says Department of Interior

metal band names

The US Department of the Interior released a statement today, stating that the metal band name reserve is now almost completely depleted.  America is quickly running out of metal band names and expects to be totally tapped out by the end of 2016.

“There has been a sharp proliferation of new metal bands in the last five years,” says Department of the Interior Spokesman Peter Hobbs, “and the result is that all the viable names have been expended, far ahead of our original projections.”

Hobbs says the first warning signs came in the form of name recycling and overuse. “We’ve seen cases of reused names despite being already claimed by established bands, along with purposely misspelled variations of names like ‘Nocturnel’, ‘Nockturnal’, or worse. It’s really proving to be a desperate situation.  There are 28 bands worldwide named Mortuary, 7 within the United States alone.  The time has come to ask how many Disgorges this nation, or this planet for that matter, can support.”

Adding to the crisis is the complete depletion of modifiers “Blood”, “Dark”, and “Black”. Additional alarm spread through the metal community earlier this month as it was discovered that “Grave” and “Funeral” had also been stretched beyond usability.

“At this point, we’ve got to get creative with our resources if we want to have any future metal bands,” asserts Hobbs, “and we need everyone’s cooperation. People must stop naming their bands ‘Goat-anything’ until further notice.”

As an additional precaution, the Department is also declaring an indefinite moratorium on anyone going by the nickname of “Metal Mike”.

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Califivenia Dreaming

The Clown Prince of Denmark....A Grenine Dane

One of the great comedy bits ever concocted is Victor Borge’s famed “inflationary language” sketch.  Borge, the brilliant Danish pianist and comedian, devised a way of inflating the value of each word that has a number in it by taking the number and adding one.  Thus, the constitution becomes the constitthreesion, lieutenant becomes lieuelevenant, tulips become threelips and on and on.  Utterly hysterical.

While Borge’s idea is a comedic masterpiece, I wonder if he didn’t happen to luck into a fantastic way of creating a more precise version of the English language.  We live in a world where hyperbole is commonplace.  Both a grilled cheese sandwich and a beautiful, once in a lifetime sunset can both be referred to as “wonderful”.  The listener is left to determine from context clues and body language which wonderful is more wonderful.  But, these bits of evidence can be misleading and in a text-based situation like the internet, one can easily miss the difference between the commonplace “wonderful” and the nearly spiritual “wonderful”.

Borge has unwittingly given us a solution.  Numbers combined with language can help us find a more precise answer to the deeper meaning of many words.  So, the excellent grilled cheese that you consumed for lunch can be “threetaful” or two points better than wonderful.  The sunset which brought tears to your eyes is much more likely “tentaful”, a full nine points better than the original.  In this way, once can clearly discern the differences between a great sandwich and a magnificent experience of nature’s wonder (or tender in this case).

Think of all the miscommunications this could clear up.  If someone produces a really quality work of art it could be called a great “creatention”, a true masterpiece would be much more along the lines of a “creafifteention” and the best piece of art you’ve ever come across might well be a “creathirtytion” or even a “creainfinitytion”.  Think of how much additional joy your neighbors will feel during the holidays when you complement them on their “sixtaful decortwelvetions”

It could work in either direction, too.  Let’s say you meet someone you have a serious romantic interest in and make an offer to become better acquainted.   There is no ambiguity in that person telling you, “No, I don’t want to go over your house and negativeonenicate.”  In that case, it’s clear she’s not being coy and any sort of future inquiries should be made elsewhere.

In literature, there are serious possibilities as well.  A writer could be given the gift of being able to explain complex circumstances in one word.  A character with a ridiculously pronounced area between his eyebrows and his hairline could simply be described as a person with an “eighthead”.  A character maimed by a poorly performed birth ritual could be quickly noted as someone with a problem with his “twoskin”.  A character who is overly honest could be referred to as being “seventhright”.  No fuss, no muss.  Think of the efficiency.

Five us four fully understand each other it is a greytwelve skill six learn.   When we creaeighteen a more precise language much of the twentytion that arises from miscommunications will be mitigtened.  Face it, our current language is assafive.

Here’s Borge’s original bit…..

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What If Danzig Dated My Daughter?

One of the things you come to accept as a parent is that your life is going to be filled with a series of irrational fears.  After a while you get used to it, but there are a few that never seem to go away.  Sometimes they appear in the form of a nightmare that wakes you up every night in a cold sweat with your heart thumping at 185 beats per minute.  For me, that nightmare is Glenn Danzig pinning a corsage to my teenage daughter’s dress as they leave for her high school prom.

It is certainly a preposterous thing to be afraid of, but most fear has an element of the absurd to it.  About three days before the prom my daughter starts telling me about this great guy named “Glenn” who she met at the mall.  Fast forward to the night of the prom, the doorbell rings and I walk over to it.  She is upstairs getting ready.  I open the door.  There he is…Danzig.  Of course, my daughter is two years old right now and Danzig is 56, so there is a bit of an age difference.  By the time my daughter is ready for the prom Danzig will be 72.  In the nightmare, he doesn’t appear that old.  He looks like the snarling Lucifuge-era Danzig that could beat up four Marine battalions and the Dallas Cowboys without breaking a sweat.  He is wearing one of those horrible rental tuxedos with the godawful ruffled shirt and yet he still looks menacing.  He is polite at first.  I ask him to come in and have a cold soda.  He sits on my couch and stares blankly at nothing in particular.  I am freaking out.  I keep hearing that part of the song Mother where he says “I’m gonna take your daughter out tonight….Gonna show her my world…. Not about to see your light….If you want to find hell with me…I can show you what it’s like”  Ehhhhh!

“So, Glenn, how did you meet my daughter?”

(Here’s the part that is kind of strange.  During this section of the dream, he sings everything he says in a sinister, baritone voice)

“We were in…Hotttttt Topicccc…..and we started….talkkkkkkking…..She said she likes Gothic Roccckkkkk…..”

I puff out my chest and try to pull off the intimidating, “make sure and have my daughter home by midnight or else” dad act.  This would work on most high schoolers, but it’s not going to put any sort of fear into Danzig.  “Uhmmmmm.  What are your plans for this evening, Glenn?”

“We’re going for a ride on my….Harrrrlllllleyyy.  Then, we’re going to go out (drums start to pick up from out of nowhere) dannnnnciiiiinnnnngggg!!!!”

I try to change the subject to something less threatening.  “So, any chance of a Misfits re-union?”

Danzig just laughs and stares off into the distance.  The room is filled with three minutes of icy, uncomfortable silence.

The next fifteen minutes are a blur of horrible memories.  My daughter dancing down the stairs and leaping into Danzig’s arms, taking pictures out on the front lawn with her, her friends and the dude who once sang the lyrics “I Want Your Skulls, I Need Your Skulls”, sneaking glances at my equally horrified wife. I wake up screaming.

How does a responsible parent deal with this?  If we tell her she can’t see Danzig, that might drive her right into his arms.  I could see it now….“Honey, you can never see that Danzig fellow again!”

“I hate you mom and dad!!!!!  You are trying to ruin my life!!!!!!”

Next thing I know it I come home and there is a note on the refrigerator that says “Went to Vegas to marry Danzig.  Back on Monday.”

We certainly cannot condone this sort of behavior.  I’d much rather see her dating one of those brooding, introspective Echo and The Bunnymen poet-socialist types.  However, so much is out of your control.  You just try to do the best you can raising them and hope they make good decisions. Being a parent is hard enough without having to worry about your daughter dating Danzig.

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If I Never Hear It Again It Will Be Soon Enough: Clichés that Push Me Over the Edge

I've Got An Idea...Why Don't I Put An Attention Catching Photo That Has Nothing to Do With The Article On Top

“The first man to compare the cheeks of a young woman to a rose was obviously a poet; the first to repeat it was possibly an idiot.” –Salvador Dali

There are simply too many clichés in the world.   The language is filled with them.  It is hard to get through a conversation without hearing one or saying one.  Most of them started out as colorful ways to describe an experience and have, through years of endless repetition, become mildly annoying, harmless platitudes that move conversation along.  For some strange reason certain clichés make me extremely angry.  Most float through my mental filters without much of a struggle, but every once and a while there is one that disturbs me.  Since the chances of me actually getting legislation past to outlaw these incipit expressions are remote at best I have decided to address them in a constructive way, instead of quietly fuming about them day after day.  I have been compiling a list over the past few months of these along with descriptions of why they bother me in the hopes of understanding the pain that they cause me and hopefully inflicting this pain on others.  I have also included helpful sarcastic responses to confuse the cliché user and possibly prevent the offending expression from being used again.   So, as they say, away we go….

Cliché:  “Throwing the Baby Out With The Bathwater”

What kind of sick freak thought this one up?  As a parent of two small children, I find the idea that I might actually forget one of them and toss them into the river with dirt-ridden water to be entirely preposterous.  I get that the creator of this one is trying to make the point that whatever the person is doing is a really ridiculous thing, but what sort of lunatic would toss a baby out with bathwater?!?!  They are certainly tiny, but not nearly small enough to accidentally thrown away.  Maybe the person is an evil, malicious hater of babies, but this is far from the most efficient way of getting rid of them.

Appropriate Response:  Look down at your shoes shaking your head for one dramatic moment, then look up and shout “Well, it’s better than shooting it!”  Turn and walk off.

Cliché:  “I wear many hats”

AGHHGGHHHH!!!  I can’t even think about this one without seething.  Yes, I know it means doing more one role, but the metaphor confuses me.  Do they mean at the same time?  What kind of fool would wear 3 or 4 hats at once?  It would be stupid looking.  There have been a lot of asinine fashion trends throughout history, but I cannot recall a single fad that had anything to do with the person wearing a lot of hats at once.  Is the point that the person has multiple heads?  Am I meant to imagine the person in front of me morphing into a giant hydra like beast wearing a prefaded Red Sox cap, a turban and a Michael Coreleone style fedora?  More than likely, the person who said it wants me to see them as a beaming icon of capitalism and industry, efficiently moving from task to task, a vaunted leader one moment, a regular lunch pail working stiff the next, a person who can be all things to all people, a technocratic “renaissance man”, a proud beacon of all that can be achieved in a 24 hour day with a little know-how and a fist full of gumption.  I think I’d prefer the hydra.

Appropriate Response:  Vomiting on the persons shoes

Cliché:  “Give it 110 percent”

I am well aware that the test scores of American students in math and science have declined over the last 30 years, but the fact that Americans have no qualms about repeatedly asking each other to violate common sense and mathematical reason in this way is alarming.  As if this wasn’t troubling enough, the cliché inflation that has taken place is now taking place is insane.  During the 2010 baseball season, White Sox manager Ozzie Guillen said that pitcher Gavin Floyd would only pitch if he were at “200 percent”. 1972 Democratic Presidential Candidate George McGovern, the Godfather of Cliché Inflation, started this madness when he said he was “1000 percent behind” his Vice Presidential Candidate Thomas Eagleton seconds before he tossed him kicking and screaming off of the Presidential ticket.  Of course, none of this compares to the all-time Cliché Inflation champion Atlanta Attorney George Lawson who asserted that he was “a million percent certain” that his client, Auburn Quarterback Cam Newton, did not take money.  Where does it end?

Appropriate Response:  Give an overly loud, awkward pretend laugh, and then shout, “If I ever see you again, I’ll break both of your legs!” Turn and walk off.

Cliché:  “Too many Indians, Not Enough Chiefs

This one has started to fade into cliché obscurity for everyone except people who write those grotesque books that quote Vince Lombardi a lot and compare great managers to Ghandi and Napoleon.  It doesn’t get play in the real world anymore mostly because “too many indigenous peoples and not enough chiefs” really doesn’t have a great ring.  Here’s the larger problem…Chiefs ARE Indians.

Appropriate Response:  Look deeply offended and reply, “Are you trying to say that there are too many Indians?  What kind of idiot racist would make a claim like that!”?

I’ve got a ton more of these but I’ll save them for a rainy day.

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