Posts Tagged The Misfits

Bowling For Danzigs

Ceci n’est pas une Danzig

On some level, we are all Glenn Danzig.  I’m not really sure what on earth that means, but it seems like a fair enough way to start this weird monstrosity I’m about to write.  Spending a good amount of time on social media sites tends to warp one’s mind a bit. Ideas that would have made Howard Hughes blush start to seem quite normal.  All right, enough with this intro….I’m just going to come out and write it…I have spent the last three days of my life trying to become friends with every single person on Facebook who claims to be Glenn Danzig.

I’ll admit, this is a bit strange.  I want to be clear that I am not cyber-stalking Danzig himself, simply people who claim to be him.  The Internet allows for the human identity to be hidden or warped in many unique ways.  How many of us are completely who we claim to be?  However, claiming to be Glenn Danzig is a whole other thing.  Why would hundreds of people claim to be Glenn Danzig online?  Hundreds!  I need to know!  According to the Tyranny of Tradition Research Department, there are now fake Danzigs on four continents.  The spread of fake Danzigism is reaching nearly epidemic proportions.

A terrible thought runs through the back of my mind every time I see a fake Danzig on Facebook.  I worry that they may not, in fact, be fakes.  Is there some sort of virus spreading throughout the world that converts normal citizens to bloodthirsty Danzig clones? What if these are people who died while listening to Her Black Wings and, somehow, the spirit of Danzig leaped into their bodies turning them into Danzig Zombies?   Is there some Boys From Brazil type mad scientist who does nothing all day but take Danzig DNA off of fishnet he wore on the Blackaciddevil Tour in the hopes of creating an army of Clone Danzigs with X-Men type powers?  What if these Danzigs have already been created and are marshaling their forces for a full-scale assault on Western Civilization? Indeed, with technology all things are possible.

Another unique aspect of the Internet is that weird people are able to communicate with other weird people that they might have never met.  My internet friend Kelly from Canada and I have parlayed our mutual fake Danzig obsessions into a once in a lifetime event….DANZIG BOWL I.

Basically, we are competing to see who can collect the most fake Danzigs by Sunday July 17th at 7:00 PM.  I’m not really sure what we plan to do with them.  I am all for the idea of putting them in a Thunderdome style cage and having them fight for faux-Danzig superiority.  Maybe the real Danzig would let the winner come up on stage and sing London Dungeon or something cool like that.  Maybe the real Danzig will read this and get an immediate restraining order against me.  I’m going to bet the second is more likely.

One of the great aspects of this event is the preparation.  We have actually discussed whether Glenn Anzalone Danzigs should be counted.  Anzalone is, as most deeply committed fans know, his proper birth name.  This is a critical structural matter because it means that an additional 12 Danzigs are then in play.   Then, there is the issue of poorly committed Danzigs.  Should a person who uses their personal picture of themselves or no picture at all but still uses the Danzig name count in the final tally?  I believe in a pluralistic approach to fake Danzig stalking.  It doesn’t matter if you use your picture or no picture or a picture of a Christmas ham, if you use the name, you are a Danzig at heart.  Even that fake Danzig with no picture whose entire profile simply says “Glenn Danzig, Indiana State University” can be included.  Just in case you are curious, I am currently trailing Kelly 5 to 4.  I had a 5th Danzig but I think I may have scared him off.

I have some pretty major plans after Danzig Bowl, win or lose.  I’ve thought of creating a Facebook account as Glenn Danzig and only being friends with other fake Danzigs.  We could set up a support group for bogus Danzigs dealing with issues that might plague people who pretend to be Danzig online.  We could band together and throw our support to political candidates who support Danzig worthy causes and boycott all non-Danzig friendly businesses.  My big dream is that there will be a day where for one whole 24 hour period everyone on Facebook changes his or her name to Glenn Danzig.  Kind of like in Spartacus.   I admit, it’s a strange dream, but then so is drowning in orange juice while being laughed at by forty mutant clowns wearing Richard Nixon masks.

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What If Danzig Dated My Daughter?

One of the things you come to accept as a parent is that your life is going to be filled with a series of irrational fears.  After a while you get used to it, but there are a few that never seem to go away.  Sometimes they appear in the form of a nightmare that wakes you up every night in a cold sweat with your heart thumping at 185 beats per minute.  For me, that nightmare is Glenn Danzig pinning a corsage to my teenage daughter’s dress as they leave for her high school prom.

It is certainly a preposterous thing to be afraid of, but most fear has an element of the absurd to it.  About three days before the prom my daughter starts telling me about this great guy named “Glenn” who she met at the mall.  Fast forward to the night of the prom, the doorbell rings and I walk over to it.  She is upstairs getting ready.  I open the door.  There he is…Danzig.  Of course, my daughter is two years old right now and Danzig is 56, so there is a bit of an age difference.  By the time my daughter is ready for the prom Danzig will be 72.  In the nightmare, he doesn’t appear that old.  He looks like the snarling Lucifuge-era Danzig that could beat up four Marine battalions and the Dallas Cowboys without breaking a sweat.  He is wearing one of those horrible rental tuxedos with the godawful ruffled shirt and yet he still looks menacing.  He is polite at first.  I ask him to come in and have a cold soda.  He sits on my couch and stares blankly at nothing in particular.  I am freaking out.  I keep hearing that part of the song Mother where he says “I’m gonna take your daughter out tonight….Gonna show her my world…. Not about to see your light….If you want to find hell with me…I can show you what it’s like”  Ehhhhh!

“So, Glenn, how did you meet my daughter?”

(Here’s the part that is kind of strange.  During this section of the dream, he sings everything he says in a sinister, baritone voice)

“We were in…Hotttttt Topicccc…..and we started….talkkkkkkking…..She said she likes Gothic Roccckkkkk…..”

I puff out my chest and try to pull off the intimidating, “make sure and have my daughter home by midnight or else” dad act.  This would work on most high schoolers, but it’s not going to put any sort of fear into Danzig.  “Uhmmmmm.  What are your plans for this evening, Glenn?”

“We’re going for a ride on my….Harrrrlllllleyyy.  Then, we’re going to go out (drums start to pick up from out of nowhere) dannnnnciiiiinnnnngggg!!!!”

I try to change the subject to something less threatening.  “So, any chance of a Misfits re-union?”

Danzig just laughs and stares off into the distance.  The room is filled with three minutes of icy, uncomfortable silence.

The next fifteen minutes are a blur of horrible memories.  My daughter dancing down the stairs and leaping into Danzig’s arms, taking pictures out on the front lawn with her, her friends and the dude who once sang the lyrics “I Want Your Skulls, I Need Your Skulls”, sneaking glances at my equally horrified wife. I wake up screaming.

How does a responsible parent deal with this?  If we tell her she can’t see Danzig, that might drive her right into his arms.  I could see it now….“Honey, you can never see that Danzig fellow again!”

“I hate you mom and dad!!!!!  You are trying to ruin my life!!!!!!”

Next thing I know it I come home and there is a note on the refrigerator that says “Went to Vegas to marry Danzig.  Back on Monday.”

We certainly cannot condone this sort of behavior.  I’d much rather see her dating one of those brooding, introspective Echo and The Bunnymen poet-socialist types.  However, so much is out of your control.  You just try to do the best you can raising them and hope they make good decisions. Being a parent is hard enough without having to worry about your daughter dating Danzig.

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