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Westboro Baptist Church To Protest Funeral of Iron Maiden Guitarist Janick Gers; Gers Claims He’s Not Dead

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The Westboro Baptist Church is at it again.  This time, they have planned a massive protest at the funeral of Iron Maiden guitar player Janick Gers.  There is only one problem; Gers believes that he is not dead.

“The whole thing is preposterous! My pulse is beating….you want to feel it,” claimed Gers to a roomful of skeptical reporters.

In spite of Gers protestations, the Internet has been filled with articles about his passing into the afterlife.  Facebook has registered over 10,000 “RIP Janick” posts in the last several days.  The Westboro Baptist Church has already flown 4,000 protestors to Des Moines, Iowa, where Gers’ memorial service is supposed to be held next week.  Yet, in the face of overwhelming evidence, Gers will simply not admit that he is dead.

“You have to believe me!  I’m alive!  ALIVE!!!!!!” howled Gers as he fended off two EMTs who were trying to force him to lie down on a stretcher in order to be transported to the morgue.

The cause of death is yet to be determined and probably will not be until Gers agrees to an autopsy.  So far, he has refused to be dissected. “If he’s alive, then let’s have him prove it,” said Des Moines Chief Medical Examiner Claude Perineum, “if we get in there and find out he’s telling the truth, we will immediately stich him back up and send him on his way.  Otherwise, he’s just being dishonest and wasting the time and money of the taxpayers.”

While many in the metal world have grieved the supposed passing of Gers, Westboro Baptist Church leader Fred Phelps has been overjoyed.  Phelps, who believes that America is being punished for its acceptance of gays and lesbians and its tolerance for high amounts of fluoride in the water supply, has already arrived in Iowa for the funeral.  According to Phelps, “the decadent lifestyle and love of Satan preached by these British ne’er-do-wells has eroded the moral fabric of America.  Iron Maiden’s singer, Ron Halford, is, in fact, an admitted homosexual!!!”

WBC Pastor Fred Phelps Prepares To Welcome Maiden Fans To Iowa

WBC Pastor Fred Phelps Prepares To Welcome Maiden Fans To Iowa

At a rally last night at The Des Moines Church of Christ The Climate Change Denier, Phelps announced that he had in his possession proof that heavy metal is a Trojan horse being used to turn America into a “breeding ground for the gay way of life”.  “In my hand right now is a list of 205 homosexuals in the heavy metal world!” hollered Phelps with his grocery list grasped tightly and held over his head.

Many Iron Maiden fans plan to attend the memorial service whether Gers is dead or not.  “Iron Maiden is the greatest band of all-time and, even though no one can figure out why they needed a third guitarist, this is indeed a terrible loss, if it is true, which it might not be,” said devout Maiden listener Kent Tekulve, who plans on walking over 1,000 miles from his home in Flagstaff, Arizona to the service.

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Metalheads Mourn As Some Guy From A Reasonably Well-Known Band Dies

grim-reaper-1Some guy, who was in a band that influenced a lot of other bands, passed away at 3 o’clock this morning from a disease that some other band was named after.  In a mass, spontaneous outpouring of sadness, thousands of anguished metalheads today posted R.I.P. on their Facebook pages along with pictures and videos mourning the death of a moderately talented, long-haired stranger.

“I can’t believe what’s-his-name is really dead. This is the saddest day since the other guy died a while back,” said some highly emotive gloom-monger who downloaded most of the band’s material off of Limewire.

“This is a great loss for the world of music.  Metal will never be the same,” said some dude who claims his band once opened for a band who opened for Metallica.

The dead guy’s band, which had recently traveled around the country and played a series of uninspiring concerts in front of people waiting for someone else to play, will try to soldier on without him.  In spite of their sadness about his death they have been somewhat consoled by a 15 percent spike in Youtube traffic, not to mention the exciting marketing opportunities that only the sudden, horrific death of an artist can provide.  Several tribute albums featuring obscure musicians looking to rip the remaining flesh off of his corpse should be available soon as people race to cash in on the public’s fetishization of grief.

Sure, his family will probably miss him and the two or three people who actually liked him and thought of him as more than a connection to the rockstar lifestyle are filled with sorrow.  But, at the end of the day, his death was probably a good thing.  After all, it provided thousands of individuals with the opportunity to share in yet another in a never-ending series of public events meant to distract people from issues that actually affect them.  Plus, many will now be able to participate in the fantasy that by exhibiting sorrow on a Facebook status, they can fool people into thinking that they are creatures still capable of experiencing human emotion.

Of course, it is quite possible that his death is actually just some sick prank to gather attention to websites like this one, which traffic in confusion as some bizarre postmodern form of currency.  Or, it could be part of an elaborate hoax used to allow the artist to escape from the rigors of a life of in the spotlight.  Like Elvis.  Or Kennedy.

One thing is certain, death is a valuable and coveted commodity.  If scientists could find a way to allow humans to die multiple times, it would be a marketing bonanza.  To misquote a great line from Clint Eastwood in The Outlaw Josey Wales, “Dying might be a heck of a way to make a living.”

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Georgia Bans Cute Pictures of Kittens From Facebook

As of midnight on May 4th, 2015, Georgia will become the first state to formally ban cute pictures of kittens from the popular website Facebook.  The move comes in response to a deluge of pictures of kittens in sinks, kittens wearing Darth Vader masks and kittens doing activities typically done by human beings like water skiing or juggling.  In a poll of Georgia voters, kittens on the internet ranked third behind the economy and the threat of poor people receiving adequate medical care as issues that threatened the future of America.  Governor Nathan Deal said yesterday in a press conference that “kitten picture crime might well represent the greatest threat to an efficient and democratic society since baby ducks.”

According to a recent study, 2/3s of the traffic on Facebook is believed to be adorable pictures of kittens.  Republican Representative David Wayne from Hiram, Georgia was fed up and introduced legislation last year to ban these offensive images.  According to Wayne, kitten pictures cause people to become “distracted and less productive” around the office.  Wayne estimates that kitten related work slacking costs the state over 1 billion dollars in revenues on a weekly basis as people waste hours of time giggling and showing their friends all the funny things that tiny cats can do.

While these pictures seem harmless to many people, many critics, including syndicated conservative talk show host Mike Howe, have speculated that pictures of baby cats could be a way for Al-Queda to communicate with sleeper terrorist cells throughout the country.  “Some people think a kitten rolling around in a pile of string is hysterical,” said Howe during yesterday afternoon’s show, “they laugh and laugh and laugh.  Ha. Ha. Ha.  Meanwhile, instructions are being given to groups of terrorists to release biological weapons at Dairy Queens throughout America.  I’ve seen the face of fear folks…and it has whiskers.”

Other politicians had more practical concerns.  Representative Ronny Munroe from Valdosta, Georgia sees the current “kitten picture crisis” as an example of the erosion of American values.  “Kittens are soft and weak. If you expose one to the extreme heat of a microwave oven or throw one into a bear cage, it will die within seconds.  What happened to the rugged individual?  Our nation was founded by men who would stay outside in a blinding snowstorm for three weeks without food or shelter while bleeding profusely from their eyes and scalp.  They didn’t have pictures of kittens or government programs to keep them safe,” announced Munroe during his daily massage at the Eggmont Golf and Athletic Club.

The Kitten Crime and American Freedom Act is being hailed as a landmark piece of legislation that should help create jobs and imprison political deviants throughout the state.  Similar pieces of legislation are being considered around the country. The new law stipulates that a first time offender could be forced to serve 12 months in prison and pay a twenty five thousand dollar fine.  A second offense could lead to the criminal being forced to attend five regular season Atlanta Hawks games.  Whatever effect the law has, it has become clear that posting pictures of kittens on Facebook is no longer a laughing matter.

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Researchers Link “Slayer Obsession” To Food Allergies

John Murphy At A Slayer Concert After Consuming 12 Jars of Pickle Juice

In a surprising study done by Johns Hopkins University, a direct connection has been found between being obsessed with the heavy metal band Slayer and consumption of certain classes of food.   Slayer Obsession, known in medical parlance as Human Epiglottal Lymphogranuloma Lychosis or HELL, has been known to effect two in every three Slayer fans at least one time in their lives.  In more serious cases of Slayer Obsession, a diet rich in certain classes of carbohydrates and proteins has been linked to symptoms as serious as the need to carve the band’s name into a person’s arm, the desire to write “SLAYER” on random Facebook message threads or even the overwhelming need to write the lyrics to “Dead Skin Mask” and other Slayer songs on inappropriate places such as church pews or children’s foreheads.

One food, unsurprisingly, that can cause Slayer addiction is barley, commonly found in beer.  As many as 4 in 10 beer drinkers find themselves with mild to serious cases of HELL.

What is shocking are the other types of food that can lead to this disorder.  The researchers found that people who consume more than 12 ounces of butter per day were found to frequently listen to the album “Seasons in the Abyss” for between 6 and 8 hours in an evening.  Consumption of cucumbers or cottage cheese can lead to the desire to lock oneself in a room and listen to nothing but “South of Heaven” for entire weekends at a time.

The real stunner was that pickle juice is a major contributor to the disorder.  Apparently pryotophan, an amino acid found in pickle juice will, in almost all cases, lead to immediate bouts of HELL and a nearly mindless sense of euphoria.  Many fans at fans Slayer shows, who have recently been seen consuming entire containers of the water in pickle jars, have found themselves running wildly around in circles and running into one an other in a symptom that doctors refer to as “moshing”.  Some Slayer fans have even taken to smoking and free basing pickles before shows in order to get the desired effect.

While doctors for years have believed that only the love of Jesus Christ or a good woman could help HELL sufferers, the Johns Hopkins research team believes that eating certain things can help cure the disorder.  One such food is potting soil.  According to their study, eating 9 ounces of mineral rich potting soil per day can lead a sharp decrease in the need to listen to Slayer.  They also recommend eating at least 3 servings of donkey spleen per week.

For sufferers of this disorder, the future may seem bleak.  They may feel powerless over their obsessions and symptoms.  However, a diet rich in dirt and donkey parts can ensure that, in fact, HELL does not await.

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Bowling For Danzigs

Ceci n’est pas une Danzig

On some level, we are all Glenn Danzig.  I’m not really sure what on earth that means, but it seems like a fair enough way to start this weird monstrosity I’m about to write.  Spending a good amount of time on social media sites tends to warp one’s mind a bit. Ideas that would have made Howard Hughes blush start to seem quite normal.  All right, enough with this intro….I’m just going to come out and write it…I have spent the last three days of my life trying to become friends with every single person on Facebook who claims to be Glenn Danzig.

I’ll admit, this is a bit strange.  I want to be clear that I am not cyber-stalking Danzig himself, simply people who claim to be him.  The Internet allows for the human identity to be hidden or warped in many unique ways.  How many of us are completely who we claim to be?  However, claiming to be Glenn Danzig is a whole other thing.  Why would hundreds of people claim to be Glenn Danzig online?  Hundreds!  I need to know!  According to the Tyranny of Tradition Research Department, there are now fake Danzigs on four continents.  The spread of fake Danzigism is reaching nearly epidemic proportions.

A terrible thought runs through the back of my mind every time I see a fake Danzig on Facebook.  I worry that they may not, in fact, be fakes.  Is there some sort of virus spreading throughout the world that converts normal citizens to bloodthirsty Danzig clones? What if these are people who died while listening to Her Black Wings and, somehow, the spirit of Danzig leaped into their bodies turning them into Danzig Zombies?   Is there some Boys From Brazil type mad scientist who does nothing all day but take Danzig DNA off of fishnet he wore on the Blackaciddevil Tour in the hopes of creating an army of Clone Danzigs with X-Men type powers?  What if these Danzigs have already been created and are marshaling their forces for a full-scale assault on Western Civilization? Indeed, with technology all things are possible.

Another unique aspect of the Internet is that weird people are able to communicate with other weird people that they might have never met.  My internet friend Kelly from Canada and I have parlayed our mutual fake Danzig obsessions into a once in a lifetime event….DANZIG BOWL I.

Basically, we are competing to see who can collect the most fake Danzigs by Sunday July 17th at 7:00 PM.  I’m not really sure what we plan to do with them.  I am all for the idea of putting them in a Thunderdome style cage and having them fight for faux-Danzig superiority.  Maybe the real Danzig would let the winner come up on stage and sing London Dungeon or something cool like that.  Maybe the real Danzig will read this and get an immediate restraining order against me.  I’m going to bet the second is more likely.

One of the great aspects of this event is the preparation.  We have actually discussed whether Glenn Anzalone Danzigs should be counted.  Anzalone is, as most deeply committed fans know, his proper birth name.  This is a critical structural matter because it means that an additional 12 Danzigs are then in play.   Then, there is the issue of poorly committed Danzigs.  Should a person who uses their personal picture of themselves or no picture at all but still uses the Danzig name count in the final tally?  I believe in a pluralistic approach to fake Danzig stalking.  It doesn’t matter if you use your picture or no picture or a picture of a Christmas ham, if you use the name, you are a Danzig at heart.  Even that fake Danzig with no picture whose entire profile simply says “Glenn Danzig, Indiana State University” can be included.  Just in case you are curious, I am currently trailing Kelly 5 to 4.  I had a 5th Danzig but I think I may have scared him off.

I have some pretty major plans after Danzig Bowl, win or lose.  I’ve thought of creating a Facebook account as Glenn Danzig and only being friends with other fake Danzigs.  We could set up a support group for bogus Danzigs dealing with issues that might plague people who pretend to be Danzig online.  We could band together and throw our support to political candidates who support Danzig worthy causes and boycott all non-Danzig friendly businesses.  My big dream is that there will be a day where for one whole 24 hour period everyone on Facebook changes his or her name to Glenn Danzig.  Kind of like in Spartacus.   I admit, it’s a strange dream, but then so is drowning in orange juice while being laughed at by forty mutant clowns wearing Richard Nixon masks.

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