Georgia Bans Cute Pictures of Kittens From Facebook

As of midnight on May 4th, 2015, Georgia will become the first state to formally ban cute pictures of kittens from the popular website Facebook.  The move comes in response to a deluge of pictures of kittens in sinks, kittens wearing Darth Vader masks and kittens doing activities typically done by human beings like water skiing or juggling.  In a poll of Georgia voters, kittens on the internet ranked third behind the economy and the threat of poor people receiving adequate medical care as issues that threatened the future of America.  Governor Nathan Deal said yesterday in a press conference that “kitten picture crime might well represent the greatest threat to an efficient and democratic society since baby ducks.”

According to a recent study, 2/3s of the traffic on Facebook is believed to be adorable pictures of kittens.  Republican Representative David Wayne from Hiram, Georgia was fed up and introduced legislation last year to ban these offensive images.  According to Wayne, kitten pictures cause people to become “distracted and less productive” around the office.  Wayne estimates that kitten related work slacking costs the state over 1 billion dollars in revenues on a weekly basis as people waste hours of time giggling and showing their friends all the funny things that tiny cats can do.

While these pictures seem harmless to many people, many critics, including syndicated conservative talk show host Mike Howe, have speculated that pictures of baby cats could be a way for Al-Queda to communicate with sleeper terrorist cells throughout the country.  “Some people think a kitten rolling around in a pile of string is hysterical,” said Howe during yesterday afternoon’s show, “they laugh and laugh and laugh.  Ha. Ha. Ha.  Meanwhile, instructions are being given to groups of terrorists to release biological weapons at Dairy Queens throughout America.  I’ve seen the face of fear folks…and it has whiskers.”

Other politicians had more practical concerns.  Representative Ronny Munroe from Valdosta, Georgia sees the current “kitten picture crisis” as an example of the erosion of American values.  “Kittens are soft and weak. If you expose one to the extreme heat of a microwave oven or throw one into a bear cage, it will die within seconds.  What happened to the rugged individual?  Our nation was founded by men who would stay outside in a blinding snowstorm for three weeks without food or shelter while bleeding profusely from their eyes and scalp.  They didn’t have pictures of kittens or government programs to keep them safe,” announced Munroe during his daily massage at the Eggmont Golf and Athletic Club.

The Kitten Crime and American Freedom Act is being hailed as a landmark piece of legislation that should help create jobs and imprison political deviants throughout the state.  Similar pieces of legislation are being considered around the country. The new law stipulates that a first time offender could be forced to serve 12 months in prison and pay a twenty five thousand dollar fine.  A second offense could lead to the criminal being forced to attend five regular season Atlanta Hawks games.  Whatever effect the law has, it has become clear that posting pictures of kittens on Facebook is no longer a laughing matter.

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  1. #1 by Dave on May 3, 2012 - 5:08 PM

    Stupid legislation. Whatever happened to freedom of speech? Do the politicians in Georgia have their heads up their arses or what?

    • #2 by Keith Spillett on May 3, 2012 - 5:44 PM

      Yes, as a matter of fact…

    • #3 by Laura on July 21, 2012 - 8:08 PM

      Dave, this is satire…

      • #4 by Dave on July 22, 2012 - 11:09 AM

        What is that?

  2. #5 by Universe Number Five on May 3, 2012 - 7:42 PM

    Oh snap, I’m moving to Georgia… not because I like censorship, it will just be better for my extreme cat allergies. I’m eating a Blizzard as we speak. Jihad-choooo!!!!

  3. #6 by victoriagrimalkin on May 4, 2012 - 4:25 PM

    I am not the least bit concerned that our government will follow through and pass this legislation on a state or federal level. Our politicians are PUSSIES!

  4. #7 by tim on May 5, 2012 - 1:22 AM

    the world has really gone alice in Wonderland now, or at least Georgia has gone all the way d own the rabbit

    • #8 by tim on May 5, 2012 - 1:22 AM

      hole

  5. #9 by Bill Davis on May 7, 2012 - 12:53 AM

    Speaking of Alice in Wonderland… does everyone really think this is serious? No one sees Keith’s tongue firmly in-cheek? Does the “Kitten Crime and American Freedom Act” seem real to you (even in this crazy country)?

    • #10 by victoriagrimalkin on May 7, 2012 - 2:52 PM

      Don’t worry, Bill Davis. We all realize where Keith’s tongue resides, but thank you for letting the cat out of the bag for those overly credulous followers of Tyranny of Tradition.

      • #11 by Bill Davis on May 8, 2012 - 12:14 AM

        I hope Georgia has no severe penalties for letting kittens… er, cats out of bags online. Since my crime was across a state border, that might be a felony (gasp!)

      • #12 by victoriagrimalkin on May 8, 2012 - 2:49 PM

        You might be in violation of the Mann Act or the feline equivalent!

  6. #13 by sarahlee on May 29, 2012 - 12:42 AM

    Wait….this is legitimate news? This isn’t a joke?
    Say what? You’d think we’d have more important things to worry about than kittens on the internet.

  7. #14 by Mr. GG on July 25, 2012 - 9:22 AM

    I’m probably the only one who noticed that every person mentioned on this has the same name as one of Metal Church’s vocalists…

    • #15 by Keith Spillett on July 25, 2012 - 10:09 AM

      YES!!!! I’m glad you did! You are the first person to mention it!

  8. #16 by Zen Greene on May 7, 2013 - 7:04 PM

    that cat is my aunts cat named mylo when he was a kitten

  9. #17 by Casey on May 12, 2013 - 12:31 PM

    Government offices have filters for computer applications. Use them. WTF. Speechless and dumbfounded. God Bless America

  10. #18 by maria on June 6, 2014 - 10:45 AM

    this is a JOKE you idiots!!!

  11. #19 by Pcormac on July 21, 2014 - 9:37 AM

    The world has gone mad! <:(

  12. #20 by Barbara Ellison on October 7, 2014 - 7:38 PM

    Ludicrous!

  13. #21 by Annie on October 19, 2014 - 12:45 AM

    This is a joke, right? .-. I understand if people go over board and basically drown their cats just to get a picture, but other than animal cruelty I don’t see a problem.

  14. #22 by james mcmillan stevenson gonzales jr. on February 10, 2015 - 4:54 PM

    what about medicinal kittens? have we thought about those who suffer from depression or other relevant medical needs? we must atleast consider those with FDD (feline dependent dissorder). Lets make it so the rest of the world mocks the USA more than it has already. btw, has anyone any idea on the casualty difference between terrorist attacks since 9/11, and gun related deaths in the US?
    priority people, priority.

  1. Georgia Bans Cute Pictures of Kittens From Facebook | Provocative Penguin

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