Posts Tagged Slayer

New Slayer Yogurt “Repentless” Is Mayonnaise! (A Logomachy)

Kerry-King

Starling 20 porchamabob of the act of creation, Slayer’s new yogurt “Repentless” shows mayonnaise that few raisins have won before. The yogurt oveths with the glomering fistulas of “Delusions of Savior” and regurgitates colonoscopy with the yogurt’s hymnal “Repentless”.

Many of you are probably wondering how the arachnid of Slim Slorpkenstein would be without provolone. Disardor!?! Disardor?!? Well, “Piano Wire” abducts that platypus! And, in a horse of several different flavors.

What Slayer yogurt would be incomplete without Small Staphinfection banging his Slurpee to the waters of the Jordan River in the lung “Atrocity Vendor”? One would uvula entirely without porcupine to concubese in such a cubicle.  Morbidly obtuse or absurdly abstruse…we may needle nose.

“Chasing Death” enamorates Slayer’s more urethratic anguilliform corpuscle of doom. Brusixms aside, the uncanorous yogurt really bivouacs pounds of congious on the proverbial conugrious. Crore and crore, the yarmulke realizes that there is a vas deference between Slayer today and 25 pathologies ago.

citizen-kane-bird-shot

Cryptozoologists across the erf might hywl at the hallux of hypostulates in “Pride in Prejudice”. Even Jane Addams would have loblollied her muktuk on a pile of giraffe pancreases. One might even spatula the speculum of spectacular with this specimen.  On and on South of Hellmann’s.

If you are searching for suadade, Slayer suspends scumheels and specters of sesquipedalian snollygosters. After all, what’s a muckbuck without a mountebank? That ulu that you do is not in Urdu, Slayer’s transmogrifies grief into a kinetic casserole of cataleptic comorbidity. Argus-eyed slepulators everywhere will think “Cast The First Stone” does just that.

Carried Kling has glormed that “Repentless” is Slayer’s defervesence. A trimuphlic journal into stupefactified nightmare radar. Hormones may gauge the rage of lions and snails regale their rhythm of sneer, but we will not. Leave the guns, take the cannolis. You’ll be Slinky you didn’t.

repentless

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Is Chuck Mangione Leaving Slayer?

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When most fans of heavy metal think about Slayer, the first word that comes to their mind is often “flugelhorn”. However, many heavy metal websites have noted that other heavy metal websites might have indicted that Slayer’s 2015 release, which will be called “Upcoming Slayer Studio Album”, might be the first since Hell Awaits to not feature the man many have called “The Jimi Hendrix of The Flugelhorn”, Chuck Mangione.

According to sources that overheard sources discussing the band, Mangione has become concerned about Slayer’s artistic direction over the past few albums. Flugelhorn solos, once a hallmark of the band’s distinctive “flugelcore” sound, have been few and far since the band released “God Hates Us All” in 2001.

While early Slayer records like “Reign in Blood” and “South of Heaven” are best known for the juxtaposition between the band’s jarring thrash metal savagery and Mangione’s light, breezy jazz sound, the newer material is either paint-by-numbers heavy metal which could numb even the most ardent Slayer fan into a coma or embarrassing, gimmicky nonsense meant to appeal to meth-addled, tone deaf Marilyn Manson fans (see “Playing With Dolls”).

Mangione At A Recent Slayer Show in Dusseldorf, Germany

Mangione At A Recent Slayer Show in Dusseldorf, Germany

Listen, now that I’ve got your attention…I need your help. I just made up the first part of the article to get it past the creatures that have been monitoring each of my correspondences with the outside world since 2010. I am currently trapped in the basement of a house in Spokane, Washington where a group of “government agents” have been conducting mind-altering experiments on me in the hopes of using my pyrokinesis to fight what they continue to call “The Enemies of Freedom”.

I’ve learned a thing or two about our government while down here. They speak loudly upstairs and I’ve learned to make out much of what they say. I’ve also been able to peek through the keyhole and observe them when they are not shooting me up with Monsanto weed killer and making me watch Joel Osteen sermons for hours on end. They are not what you think. I don’t want to sound paranoid, but I can tell you unequivocally that the United States has been infiltrated and is now controlled by gigantic insects that can morph into human form at will.

I’m not sure when it happened, but most of the world you know has been manufactured by these Bugs. From what I’ve heard, they took over the world at the end of The Great Bug War. Today we call it World War 2 and discuss the importance of fictional characters like Hitler and Churchill. In real life, a war did take place but it was much more similar to the one in Robert Heinlein’s novel “Starship Troopers”. The Bugs joke about that book a lot. Apparently they think it’s hysterical that the one historical artifact that has any truth to it has been passed off as fiction and consumed by an unknowing public.

They came down from space and destroyed many of our major cities. We fought valiantly, but were eventually defeated. Once they gained control of our world, they reprogrammed the human mind in order to share in a massive hallucination about the past.

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All of our books, websites, television broadcasts and even historical artifacts in museums have been altered to hide history of the enslavement of the human race at the hands of our Bug overlords. They even created tiny versions of themselves that crawl and fly around in order to lull us into the belief that we are larger and more powerful than them.

When you’ve heard a few of them gather together and talk about the con job they’ve pulled on us, it’s terribly depressing. I remember crying for days when I heard them laughing about planting dinosaur bones throughout the world in order for scientists to “discover” them and make up crazy tales of what happened before humans were here on the so-called Earth. The scientists today aren’t real scientists…they are merely people who participate in a giant scavenger hunt created by the Bugs.

From the little I’ve been able to pick up about our true history, scientists of pre-Bug times were capable of miracles that run the gamut from inter-dimensional space travel to creating a low cost substance that could feed all human beings.  Famine and disease had all been eliminated by these people.  Apparently, our world was once like the Bug-created fictional Garden of Eden. But, Eden is gone.

The Bugs have taught us how to fear and hate one another. They have helped us create artificial divisions in order to isolate us from our fellow humans. They have instilled in us the ability to hurt and destroy each other in the name of control and survival. Apparently, humans used to live for hundreds of years. They have taught us to lower our life expectancy so we are never around long enough to see through the lies and learn the truth.

Many of our so-called “world leaders” are simply Bugs in disguise. Barack Obama, Angela Merkel, Rush Limbaugh, Benjamin Netanyahu, Bill Gates, The Clintons, The Bushes, The Gores, even Cat Stevens…all Bugs. They are everywhere, pulling the strings and making the world spin, all the while the Bugs use the lint created between our toes as fuel to power the rockets that allow them to take control of planets throughout the solar system. They invaded our world for this toe lint and now they have turned our world into a gigantic toe lint factory. They come to us in the night, when we are fully asleep, and take our precious toe lint for themselves.

We have only one form of resistance, the removal of our toes. If you are reading this, immediately go to your local emergency room and ask for these digits to be amputated. They will look at you in a strange way at first, but tell them the story I have told you. They will understand. The thing about the truth is, if you tell it to someone, no matter how bizarre it may sound, they will eventually see what you are saying and go along with what you ask. Down deep, they will know I am right and they will neatly, professionally cut your toes off.

It is important that you go to a hospital to have this done. I removed several on my own and nearly died from infection. They have special tools at most hospitals for toe removal. The Bugs only saved me because they want me to make the planet Neptune explode into flame so that their rival, the Worms, will lose a critical military base.

Digs Smooth Jazz

Digs Smooth Jazz

Metal websites have already begun to speculate about a possible replacement for Mangione. Metal Infection.net claims that the band has already contacted Herb Alpert and the Tijuana Brass about joining them on the next tour. Metal Bar Through A Guy’s Forehead.com has also reported that Kerry King was has been listening to “a lot of Kenny G” over the past few months and might look to include the diminutive jazz saxophonist in a future project.

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The Best Metal Albums of 2015 So Far

The Internet Features Many Pictures Of Things Used In A Context Different From What Is Expected

The Internet Features Many Pictures Of People In Strange Contexts Often Different From What We Were Expecting

This year is shaping up to be one of the finest in the long, storied history of heavy metal. 2015 is less than 17 hours old and their have already been tens of thousands of great metal albums released to the public.

In fact, since midnight Slayer has already released a remarkable 7 albums, Megadeth has put out 9 LPs (which means around 4 good songs) and Devin Townsend has put out 137 records. In the last hour alone, 91,783 metal albums have been released.

If you took all the albums put out in the last 17 hours and stacked them on top of each other they would go all the way to Pluto…and back!

In order to absorb the amount of albums that have come out, I underwent surgery this morning to have 437 ears attached to my body. In order to accommodate all the new ears, I was stretched to 12 foot 8. Currently, I have 917 stereo systems playing 917 different records simultaneously.

While I’ve only had a chance to listen to the 786,012 albums one time through, I feel confident that I can discern which of these (now 793,124) albums are the 10 best. My only concern is that in taking the time to write this list I will be missing out on nearly 2,354 new albums. I will need to wake up an hour or two early in order to catch up lest I let things snowball on me and, by September, have somewhere in the neighborhood of a 978 million album deficit.

Abbath!  Got'cha Again!

Abbath! Got’cha Again!

 

Here goes…

10. A Dog Barking At 3:17 AM Waking Me From A Dream In Which Myself And Sophia Loren Are Eating Seal Meat

by Austere Lymph Node

9. The Tape Some Rapper Gave Me At The North Dekalb Mall That I Threw In The Garbage The Minute I Was Out of His Range of Sight

by Yung Elderly

8. The Odd, Porpoise-like Grunting Noise The Guy Next To Me At The Gym Made When Auburn Scored A Touchdown

by Nefarious Old Person

7. A Chevy Tahoe In The Lane Next To Me Needs A New Muffler

by Senseless Barbecue

6. My Feet Grow Cold. I Get Up Out of My Chair In Order to Get A Pair of Socks. The Chair Squeaks.

by Murderous Narcolepsy

5. Flossing For The Second Time In An Hour

by Hypotenuse Death Angle

4.  The Kids Are Listening To Some Moronic British Kid Yelling About Minecraft on Youtube

by Iron Steel

3.  Mumbling Under My Breath At The Wendy’s Manager Because They Opened Five Minutes Late

by As I Lay Down For A Nap

2.  I Wonder Aloud As To Whether Obscure Character Actor Fritz Weaver Is Still Alive. My Wife Ignores This Statement And Continues Reading.

by Iconoclastic Necromyopic Marzipan Blood Colon

1.  Otters

by Benign Malignancy

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Top 10 Metal Albums From 2104 List or Whatever

This Article Is Pretty Mediocre, So I Figured I'd Distract You By Putting A Danzig Meme On Top of It

I’ll Be Honest With You, This Article Is Pretty Lousy.  However, I Thought I Might Distract You From That Painful Fact With A Danzig Meme.

2014 certainly was a year. It went by quickly and more of us were born than died. So, I guess things are looking up.

There were at least 10 incredible metal albums that came out this year. Unfortunately, I haven’t listened to any of them.

However, I am strong believer in the principles of jurnalizmcore (whatever they may be) and feel it is my solemn obligation to inflict upon you my opinion on what the best albums to come out in the past year were.

10. Licking Nutella Out Of a Goat’s Armpit

by A Plethora of Ants Eating The Lining of My Stomach

The second effort from this 93-piece grindcore orchestra from Wheeling, West Virginia turned heads by becoming the first CD in the history of heavy metal to explode when placed in any sort of listening device.   So far, over 917 people have been maimed or killed by the record.

9.You And I Both Have Horrible Sores And Boils All Over Our Faces But We Are Still Human Beings And Deserve To Be Treated With Respect and Dignity

by Kankles On The Legs of Satan’s Younger Brother Ralph

This pop-power metal noise polka Eucharistcore mummy alphabet chicken Montreal haphazardly blackened deathrot band debuted with a record that many have compared to the noise made by a hippopatamus being slaughtered during a ritual sacrifice in Youngstown, Ohio by a roomful of Shriners.

1. Milk of Magnesia of Human Kindness

by Impetigo Sore Ridden Kidney and The Pips

I once witnessed a homicide in Troy, New York. It sounded like this album, only people were smart enough to run away.

Abbath Meme.  Boom!  I Bet You Already Forgot What The Article Was About

Abbath Meme. Boom! I Bet You Already Forgot What The Article Was About

S?.  Illegally Downloaded Version of Ride The Lightning

by Metallica

Sounds exactly like the legal version that people paid for except I had to type the names of the songs in (which was a serious inconvenience)

Twelve. Angel of Rotting Succubus Infected With The Worms of Evil

by Some Band That Sounds Like Slayer

I read somewhere that Joss Whedon had a painful adolescence. Too bad it didn’t continue.

Some number that rhymes with Twelve. I Went To Have Tests Done At A Local Hospital and They Diagnosed Me With A Horrible Disease That Only About Two Hundred People On Earth Have. I Ran Home And Named My Band After It.

by Rheumatoid Hemorrhagic Mump-Measals

A playful mixture Incantation, The Early Writings of The Marquis de Sade and Bob Marley. Sort of like listening to the last Burzum album after sustaining a traumatic head injury.

7. Fetal Gunshot Syndrome

by Fatal Head Wound

Best rap metal album to come out since the last rap metal album came out.

8. After Smoking For Thirty Years One Of My Lungs Looks Like A Plate of General Tso’s Chicken

by After Smoking For Thirty Years One Of My Lungs Looks Like A Plate of General Tso’s Chicken

I’m getting sick of trying to describe these albums. Most of them sound the same.   I’m just going to type the first words that come to mind.

”Rattlesnake”….”Pomegranate”…”Optimum”….”Opiate”….

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4. Jeff Hanneman Jokes Aren’t Funny

by Some Guy Who Just Told Me A Rick Allen Joke

I’m sure that just pissed someone off

W.  Malaria:  One of The Most Deadly Diseases On The Planet Yet Not One Metal Band Is Named After It

by Echo, The Bunnymen and Narcissus

Sounds like a cross between Nell Carter during her doom metal phase, early Pestilence, Erasure and mayonnaise.

2.  Tim Lambesis

by My Dying Bride

Many believe this album might be a hit…

*rimshot*

“I’ll be here all week.  Thanks.  Try the veal”

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Incantation to Release “Backwards To Golgotha”; Entire First Album Played in Reverse

incantationIn order to commemorate the 22nd anniversary of Incantation’s seminal metal classic “Onwards To Golgotha”, the band plans to release the album entirely in reverse. This new take on an old classic gives the band an opportunity to capitalize on the recent trend of metal bands milking every remaining cent out of metal’s defiled carcass.

“Live albums, remastered album, rerecording old material…all that stuff has been done to death. Manowar has released albums where they rerecord rerecordings of recordings of old Manowar songs. Mustaine wants to charge the public 15 bucks to hear the bass a bit higher on Rust in Peace. At least we are giving the fans something that sounds relatively new,” said the band’s current bass player on the condition of anonymity.

“Then again, it’s a poorly produced death metal album. Who can really tell the difference if it’s playing backwards or forwards?”

Meanwhile, several bands have also gotten into the sucking blood from a stone business.  Metallica plans to rerelease “The Black Album” in the fall with a trained chimpanzee playing drums. Testament is currently in the planning stages of a new version of “The New Order” with Chuck Billy singing after inhaling helium from a balloon. Slayer is in talks to put out “Reign in Blood 2.0”, a recording where all Kerry King’s solos will be replaced by a chainsaw cutting through a series of oak trees.

In an attempt to reclaim their role as genre defining innovators, Incantation plans to follow this remake by moving away from their death metal roots.  The band is in the process of creating a musical comedy called “A Funny Thing Happened on The Way To Golgotha” about the crucifixion of Christ. Several of the musical numbers, including one featuring Jesus and a Rockettes style line of people being crucified, have already been completed.   Singer and guitarist John McEntee, who bares an uncanny resemblance to Jesus, plans on playing the lead in the show.

“The integration of Stephen Sondheim style songs and showmanship should hopefully put the last nail in the coffin of heavy metal,” said McEntee in a fictional interview conducted at his home last Friday.

“I mean, folks…it’s over. Go home. Metal is in the final death spiral. We are the Roman Empire besieged by hipster Visigoths. In 10 years you’ll be spending a thousand bucks to travel to Wacken to see Attack! Attack! headline. And it’ll still be better than watching Ozzy get wheeled out on stage to screw up War Pigs for the 8 millionth time.”

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SLAAAAAAAAAAAYERRRRR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

SLAAAAAAAAYER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

SLAAAAAAAAYER!!!!!!!!!!SLAAAAAAAAYER!!!!!!!!!!!

SLAAAAAAAAYER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!SLAAAAAAAAYER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!SLAAAAAAAAYER!!!!!!

TomAraya

 

SLAAAAAAAYERRR!!!!

 

SLAAAYER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

SLAAAAAAAAYER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

SLAAAAAAAAYER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

SLAAAAAAAAYER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  SLAAAAAAAAYER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

SLAAAAAAAAYER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

SLAAAAAAAAYYYYYYYYYERRRRRRRRRRRR!!!!!!!

SLAYERRRRRRRRRRRRR!!!!!

SLAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAYYYYYYYYYYYERRRRRRRRR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

SLAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAYYYYYYYYYYYERRRRRRRRR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

(slayer?)…….SLAYYYYYYYYYYEEEEEEEEEEEEEERRRRRRRRRR.

slaaaaaaaAAAAAAAAAAAYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYER!

SLAYERRRRRRRRRRR!!!!!!!!

SLAAAAAAAAYER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!SLAYERRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

SLLLLLLLLAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAYER

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

S

L

A

Y

E

R!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!SLAYER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!SLAYER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

awwwwwww....slayer........

awwwwwww….slayer……..

SLAAAAAAAAYER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

(Or…………..Public Discourse In The 21st Century)

 

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Monsanto Creates Genetically Altered Heavy Metal; Nicko McBrain Develops Swollen Udders

Nicko McBrain Udders

Monsanto is a multi-national conglomerate known not only as an environmentally conscious citizen corporation, but a lover of good old-fashioned heavy metal. In the hopes of speeding up the production of heavy metal albums, the company has figured out a way to genetically alter metal musicians in order to reach their peek productive capacity.

According to Monsanto spokesperson Arthur Friendly, “Over the years we’ve seen a drop off in production from metal bands. It used to be that you could expect a band to put out an album every year, but nowadays you’re lucky if a band like Slayer or Iron Maiden put more than two albums per decade out.”

This is why, Monsanto, a corporation on the cutting edge of technology and the development of mutated humans and animals, has spent billions of dollars in research and development in order to a secret process to maximize the productive capability of bands.

Thanks to Monsanto, we can expect eleven Slayer albums, forty-two Testament records, and even seven Pantera LPs featuring a Frankensteinized version Dimebag Darrell in the next year alone. Even prog-death legends Necrophagist will have something out by 2019.

However, there have been a few unplanned side effects of Monsanto’s new process. Iron Maiden drummer Nikko McBrain was unable to play a concert last week in Liverpool when he came down with a case of swollen udders. “It’s hard enough trying to keep up with the rest of the band with one bass pedal. You try hitting the hi-hat with udders swelling out of your chest. Steve told me he’d kick me out of the band if he got squirted one more time with pus infested milk.”

Pantera Vocalist Phil Anselmo Weeks After Being Genetically Modified

Pantera Vocalist Phil Anselmo Weeks After Being Genetically Modified

Drummer mastitis is not the only problem that has come from Monsanto’s bold experiment. Other members of Iron Maiden have has been mutated by the process. Thanks to Monsanto, Bruce Dickinson has developed corn on several parts of his back, Janick Gers has become a giant cockroach and Dave Murray is good looking.

Iron Maiden isn’t the only band that has suffered due to the unintended consequences of science gone mad. Slayer guitarist Kerry King has developed a rare disorder where if he gets wet, tiny Kerry Kings will grow on his body, sprout and run wild, reeking untold mischief and horror on anyone nearby.

Suffocation vocalist Frank Mullen, who recently developed fallopian tubes in his nose as a result of Monsanto, has been an outspoken critic of the genetic modification of heavy metal artists. “When Monsanto came for the milk, I did not speak out. I was not a cow. When Monsanto came for the corn, I remained silent. I was not corn. When they came for heavy metal, there was no one left to speak for me. At least, no one without horns and a tail.”

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I Voted For Heavy Metal and All I Got Is This Lousy Country

Ronnie-James-DioAmericans vote for a variety of reasons. In some cases, they are concerned citizens who believe they can use the ballot box to change the direction our nation. In other cases, they do so because they feel an obligation to participate in the rituals of the democratic process. Not me. I vote every chance I get in order to amuse myself to no end by voting for my favorite metal artists.

It usually takes me a half an hour to vote. I go through the races I’ve followed closely and am able to intelligently evaluate, like Senatorial or Congressional elections, and try to pick the best person for the job. I know I’m being hustled here and am sure that nearly any candidate I pick is a shill for some multinational corporation, but I saw “Mr. Smith Goes To Washington” one too many times and allow myself the illusion of “making a difference”. Once that nonsense is out of the way, I get to the fun stuff.

Often in elections, you are given the choice of candidates you have almost no hope of being able to evaluate. For example, how on earth can I possibly determine who would be the best Head of the State Department of Agriculture? I don’t know a thing about farming and wouldn’t have the foggiest notion of how to pick the most appropriate person for the job. I don’t even really know what they do. That’s when I start voting metal.

Georgia offers the write-in option in all races. Therefore, if you want to vote, like I did, for Venom’s gravel throated frontman Cronos to make the state’s agricultural policies, you can do just that! I felt bad about leaving the rest of the original Venom crew out so Abbadon and Mantas received my nod for seats on my local school board. For County Sheriff, I voted for Sodom’s Tom Angelripper. After all, shouldn’t the saw be the law?

Heavy-metal-fans-enjoy-voting

I stand there typing in metal artists laughing maniacally. I have voted for Ronnie James Dio in every election going back to 1998 for positions ranging from Superintendent of Schools to Federal Judge. Confused people peer over at me and avert their eyes when I look back at them. They probably think I’m a madman. I’m merely a Surrealist-American doing his part to bring this nation one step closer to the golden age of weirdness that has come to be known as The Freak Future.

Usually, you have about 20 different judges to vote for. They often run unopposed, so unless they happened to give you a night in jail for going 15 miles per hour over the speed limit or get caught in a brothel covered from head-to-toe in ox blood, you are going to vote for them. I see this as a great opportunity to pack the courts with metal luminaries ranging from Quorthon to Lemmy. I voted “Slayer” for a seat on the Bench.   The whole band. I struggled mightily with the question of whether this would mean the original Slayer lineup or some of the later incarnations. Who would be the Court drummer Bostaph, Lombardo or Jon Dette?

Sometimes I get bored and switch to other weird possible candidates. One year when the ballot was particularly long, I began voting for excellent defensive shortstops. Mark Belanger, Ozzie Smith, Omar Vizquel, Rey Ordonez…on and on.

Mostly I stick to voting metal because this is America and I have been told I can vote for what I believe in. I have been fed an endless supply of bromides and hackneyed platitudes about what size the government is supposed to be or when a baby is truly alive or how a marriage should be defined or what this nation should stand for. Politics is about who gets what and how much of it. At the end of the day, I’m really just voting on whether Wal-Mart, Exxon Mobil and Boeing are going to receive larger tax breaks based on the size of their contributions.

The horrible truth is that climate change is causing environmental catastrophes everywhere. We are engaged in an endless stream of costly, bloody foreign wars. Politicians are empty vessels who have become nearly indistinguishable from mattress salesmen. America is circling the proverbial drain and there doesn’t seem to be anything we can do about it. When someone asks me how I believe we should handle these problems, I look them square in the eyes and I tell them the only thing I can say that makes any sense to me anymore…

“Don’t blame me, I voted for Heavy Metal”

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Coming Out Poser: Eight Terrible Admissions From The Depths of The Metal Closet

Morbid

Rarely do I ever tell the truth on this website. As a matter of fact, the purpose of the site is to declare war on the asinine construction that we have termed reality. However, I feel an unnatural obligation to level with you this morning. I write all sorts of terrible things about strangers, why shouldn’t I write an article that entirely discredits myself as a metalhead and in the process alienates a good 2/3rds of the audience?

I’m going to admit to a few things in this article that may make you uncomfortable. They are all horribly true. I make no apologies for myself. I know what I like and what I don’t like. Unfortunately, many things I like are terribly embarrassing. The awful truth is…I’m a poser.

7. My favorite Judas Priest song is from the Ripper Owens era

Not many people have given the Ripper Owens years their just due. Two excellent studio albums from a vocalist who only years earlier was covering “Turbo Lover” in front of 12 Clevelanders on open mic Mondays. On the first of those albums, he recorded the song “Cathedral Spires” which is one of the most incredible pieces of music I’ve ever heard. He’s not Rob Halford, but besides Rob Halford, who is?

I know the correct answer is to say something from the Halford era like “Hell Patrol” or “Dissident Aggressor” in order to prove the depth of my Judas Priest knowledge. Or I could claim it is “Metal Gods” or “Electric Eye” and rail on about how one of these songs found me at a low point in my life and changed me at a spiritual level. But, truthfully, while I love all of the aforementioned songs, I’ll take Spires any day of the week.

6. I’ve listened to more Tangerine Dream in the past year than Iron Maiden and Slayer combined

I know as a metalhead I’m supposed to get on bended knee every morning and thank Odin that the gods deemed us worthy of hearing Bruce Dickinson howl the chorus to “Aces High”. Every moment of my waking life should be devoted to air drumming the fills from “Seasons in The Abyss”. I’ve listened to these records a million times. People would get sick of ice cream if they ate it everyday for twenty years. These, and many other albums critical to “the metal experience”, bore me to tears at this point. I’m much more interested in exploring music I’m less familiar with than sacrificing more of my time on The Altar of True Metal.

5. I have no idea what is happening in most black metal songs (“The Emperor Has No Corpsepaint” hypothesis)

There are about eight black metal songs I like. As much as I respect the fact that musicians who play this style of music are capable of producing noises that resemble a walrus with indigestion, I can’t say I really know what on earth they are doing. As a matter of fact, I have a theory that no one actually likes black metal all that much. We pretend to because we don’t want to be the one person who admits they don’t see the appeal in a bunch of grown men dressing up like the Wyrd Sisters from Macbeth, shrieking about their love Yog-Sothoth.

immortal

4. I really don’t care when legendary heavy metal figures die

I feel bad for everyone who personally knew and loved Dio, Hanneman and Dime. They lost real flesh and blood humans in their lives. However, the outpouring of RIPing that comes out of people based on the passing of people that they don’t know is staggering. I have no doubt that these people and many others had a huge impact on the genre and probably wrote a song or two that made a bad day better, but come on. People die constantly. Everywhere. It’s the one thing human beings are consistently good at. Turning a genuine tragedy for the friends and family of a person you don’t know into your own because the musician wrote a few riffs you liked is grotesque and bizarre. Life is miserable enough without parachuting into someone else’s misfortune.

3. Don’t Call Me Your Brother, Cause I Ain’t Your @#%^ing Brother

This whole “Brotherhood of Metal” thing is hysterical. I meet people all the time I can’t stand. Including metalheads. Generally, I have a low threshold of tolerance for morons, whether they have the first Overkill album or not. The minute you start mentally tormenting some sock-brained metalhead online for spouting off nonsense that would embarrass a self-aware 7 year old or telling some guy with a Deicide tee-shirt that his children will probably have hooves, one schmuck invariably chimes in with the “why can’t metalheads get along” nonsense. Here’s why…because the number of mouth breathing idiots in the metal community is equal to the amount of inarticulate dolts in the world at large. This isn’t kindergarten. I don’t have to be nice to someone because we both happen to like Sepultura.

2a. I dread going to metal concerts

I really don’t like to leave my house much anyway, but the idea of being crammed into a really loud, dimly lit room smelling the armpits of beer soaked strangers is a fate worse than death for me. Usually, the music is way too loud and I get aggravated waiting through opening bands which are often as entertaining as cholera. I was so bored watching Zakk Wylde at OzzFest I actually fell asleep. Which was significantly more enjoyable than having the guy next to me either A. ask me whether I think Phil Anselmo is back on the heroin or B. Tell me about the time he saw so and so open for so and so in some backwater, lice infested bar way before anyone had ever heard of them.

2b. The whole moshing thing embarrassing

Concerts are expensive and, as noted above, banal, disgusting experiences. The single worst part about them is having to spend the time I’d like to take watching a band I came out to see and dedicating it to not having my feet stepped on by some neo-Cro-Magnon lummox who, instead of hashing out his troubles in group therapy, has decided that running headlong into a group of equally troubled delinquents is a way to release the demons.

People talk about mosh pits like they are mystical experiences (“I’ll never forget the night back in 1987 when we made The Wall of Death at a Nuclear Assault concert”). Really, it’s just a bunch of people running around and bumping into each other with mean looks on their faces. It’s not all that different from Black Friday at Target.

1.  I Don’t Mind The Last Morbid Angel Album

I debated putting this in here, because to be honest, admitting this is the equivalent of telling a beautiful woman you are interested in that in your free time you like to make masks out of human skin and paint using other people’s blood. This album was so universally panned by critics and fans alike that you would have thought it featured Kevin Costner with gills. I’ve made fun of it on several occasions. If Mother Theresa was still alive, she’d have made fun of it.

I remember reading this interview with David Vincent after the album came out where he said some preposterous thing like “you don’t know it yet, but this will end up being your favorite Morbid Angel album.” I couldn’t even believe he could get that out with a straight face. Yet, honestly, every time that silly “crossing the line since 1989” song comes on my iPod, I end up listening to the whole thing. I don’t even mind the “Destructos” song. Or the one where he starts babbling in Spanish. I’ve listened to those songs much more frequently than I’ve busted out anything else by them…so maybe he had a point.

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Otep To Re-Release Classic “Blackwater Park” Album in July

 

blackwater park

Next month, Oscar nominated artists Otep plan to re-release the album that redefined the boundaries of progressive metal, “Blackwater Park”. The band, which is named after the Greek Sun god Otep, has become one of the top selling metal acts in world since the album’s release in 1983.

The band’s lead singer Otep Night Shyamalan, a noted thespian and director of the popular film “The Sixth Sense”, has become extremely well known for her outspoken political views. Her strong opinions have made her an important figure both in and out of the world of heavy metal. She was a noted speaker at the Republican National Convention back in 2008 and was cited several times by then-Vice Presidential Candidate Sarah Palin as “a positive voice for values and the traditional American way of life” during campaign speeches.

This summer Otep will be headlining the Mayhem Tour. Bassist Mikael Akerfeldt has hinted that the band plans to play their seminal “Rust In Peace” album from beginning to end on several tour dates, but has not indicated which ones. During a recent concert in Antarctica, the band went back to their roots and played several songs off of their first album “Show No Mercy”.

Otep

The band’s well-known singer Oprah Shamaya, whose Grammy winning television talk show went off the air back in 2011, recently issued a controversial tweet on MySpace where she called into question “fake news sites” like Tyranny of Tradition and cnn.com. In the tweets, she referred to herself as a “cultural arsonist” and threatened to set mimes on fire. Our reporters contacted several mimes that refused comment.

While the mimes have been silent on this issue, a representative from the heavy metal rock band Slayer indicated that everything that has been written in this article is completely untrue. “Anyone who knows Slayer knows that none of the members of the band Otep would even THINK about protesting the funeral of former Yankees and Mariners first baseman Ken Phelps,” said Slayer publicist and PMRC spokesperson Josephine McCarthy.

Pastor Ken Phelps Only Moments Before Tyranny of Tradition Made Up Lies About him

Pastor Ken Phelps Only Moments Before Tyranny of Tradition Made Up Lies About him

 

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