In 2016, everyone’s favorite Metal Monarch is coming to the Motor City.
Universal Studios, The Ford Motor Company and The Church of Satan will spend 1.3 billion dollars to build the greatest American attraction since the creation of Disneyworld. King Diamond’s “Them” Park is expected to bring millions of visitors from around the world all hoping for a mindless diversion from the crippling sense of sadness and terror experienced by people trapped on the dead-end thrill ride that has come to be known as “the human condition”.
The massive 490-acre amusement park will be located under downtown Detroit, Michigan. Among highlighted attractions slated to be built are eight extreme roller coasters, nine opera houses, a zoo featuring five of The King’s stock of minotaurs and a water park that will use over 666,000 gallons of tea for excited kids and parents to splash around in.
The park’s main focus is on the recreation of King’s stories brought to life in Broadway musical reviews. These will run 24 hours, 7 days a week in nine 5000 seat opera houses located throughout the lot.
Another major attraction will be a magnificent, centrally-located gothic carousel for children and parents to enjoy. A park cast member, playing the role of the infamous character O’Brian, will welcome families onto one of the steeds while they are whimsically whisked away to portray one of the heroic black horsemen. Then they will be encouraged to interact in the story by killing Baby Abigail.
According to former drummer Snowy Shaw, “I’ve always loved It’s A Small World, but now imagining the joy I will get by seeing my children pretend to destroy cursed artifacts, bury people alive or burn a witch at the stake brings tears to my eyes!”
“The muppet theatre is going to be fantastic!” says puppet mistress Missy La’Fey. “We’ve been working with the puppets, injecting them with harvested blood and sprinkling them with goofer dust to insure that the show’s television simulcasts will be unprecedented. It’s really what our children need now-a-days: a hellish, nightmare version of Sesame Street.”
The project is expected to employ over ten thousand out-of-work carnies and jump start the bankrupt city’s economy by creating the largest man-made themed tourist destination in the world.
Detroit Mayor Mike Duggan believes “Detroit is back! We will no longer be viewed as a post-apocalyptic trailer park wasteland, but rather a home to those who appreciate demented rituals like human sacrifice and overpriced family fun. By 2020, we expect the city to finally be in The Black.”
“With studios acquiring multi-billion dollar franchises like Star Wars, Marvel and Harry Potter, it was a no-brainer that King Diamond would be the next in line,” says Ronald Meyer, CEO of Universal Studios. “It’s a positive message to kids about supernatural and paranormal phenomenon. We finally have a fun and exciting vehicle to expose children at an early age to the social and economic benefits of devil worship.”
Early promotional events will include “Nuns Have Fun Day” where nuns get in for half price and are allowed a day long bottomless cup of “Melissa Slurpies”. Affordable family packages that, according to the park brochure “won’t cost an arm and a leg…just a soul”, will go on sale next month.
(article contributed by former Washington Post investigative reporter Myron Dinkle)
#1 by Fried Chicken And Metal on November 19, 2014 - 10:44 AM
the Graveyard log ride is gonna be a splash!
#2 by EDDY VEGA on November 19, 2014 - 5:04 PM
#3 by victoriagrimalkin on November 19, 2014 - 8:31 PM
Sharing this with Snowy Shaw, who will be astounded to learn that he has children.
#4 by Dave OOz on November 20, 2014 - 12:47 AM
Really disappointed with Ford joining in with the church of satan on this project. There is never anything good that comes out of a colloboration with the fallen one.
#5 by Graham on April 2, 2015 - 1:26 PM
#6 by Sean E Bones on November 20, 2014 - 12:57 AM
This made me laugh out loud. Twice.
#7 by Mike Tausig on November 20, 2014 - 1:59 AM
Brilliant. Absolutely brilliant. Do you know if there is friends-and-family discount, or is the price cruci-fixed?
#8 by Keith Spillett on November 20, 2014 - 7:05 AM
#9 by sara on November 20, 2014 - 10:14 AM
Wow are there some people believing this? Ummmmm…..
#10 by Anssi Pajuoja on November 20, 2014 - 2:42 PM
Absolutely great and finally to right musician \m/
Hail King Diamond \m/
#11 by Mark Aldred on November 20, 2014 - 11:48 PM
I hope there is killer new Tea Cup ride!!
#12 by Harvey Rabensblut on November 21, 2014 - 5:33 AM
LOL LOL LOL Made my fuckin day hahahahaha
#13 by james case on November 22, 2014 - 6:22 AM
awesome makes me proud to be a michiganer.
#14 by David Craig on February 13, 2015 - 2:02 AM
I was falling for it until I got to the water park that has tea instead of water. Wouldn’t that make it a tea park and not a water park?
#15 by Scott Wesley on February 13, 2015 - 5:38 AM
I’ll have sleepless nights just thinking about that ride in grandma’s rocking chair with Missy !
#16 by ABernal80 on February 16, 2015 - 9:16 AM
This actually sounds pretty cool for a Halloween theme park but i don’t think the Nuns will be down for the half off Nun Day Fun Day lol since seeing one of the sole investors is the Church Of Satan lmao
#17 by godsicgamer on February 16, 2015 - 10:54 AM
Hahaha that’s great i would never leave lol. too bad cause it sounds really really awesome!! this was a really funny article.
#18 by Keith Spillett on February 16, 2015 - 10:57 AM