Archive for June, 2013
November 22, 1963 was a day that few Americans could ever forget. On a visit to Dallas, John F. Kennedy’s motorcade was fired on and the President was killed. His alleged assassin Lee Harvey Oswald was murdered a day later leaving investigators little time to find out who else might have been involved in the plot . In spite of an extensive study by The Warren Commission, which claimed that Oswald acted alone, a good portion of the public remains unconvinced of the official story to this day. Last week, a private investigator working for the Tyranny of Tradition obtained clear and compelling photographic evidence that Oswald was not the only shooter on that dreadful November day.
One of the main reasons that many have believed the case was unsolved was what is known as the single bullet or magic bullet theory. The account of the assassination put forth in The Warren Commission report was that the bullet that killed President Kennedy also caused several wounds to Texas Governor John Connelly, who was in the car with him at the time. Scientists have long held the belief that this is almost impossible and means there must have been another assassin firing at Kennedy from another spot. Some witnesses, including members of the Secret Service who were guarding Kennedy, claimed they heard and saw gunfire from an area known as the grassy knoll. For years, there has been much speculation as to whether this was true and, if so, who was the shooter on the grassy knoll. We now can conclusively state that Ian Fraser Kilmiester, known to music fans and friends alike as Lemmy, fired the fatal shots from the grassy knoll that day.
Lemmy had a rather normal early childhood in England. He was extremely bright and known for being a remarkable shot. He spent a good portion of his days studying military history and learning to play bass. When he was 10, he went to live abroad with his “Uncle Alvin”, a shadowy figure who was not actually related to his family but took a strong interest in young Lemmy.
Very little was known about “Uncle Alvin”, except that he was an American who traveled throughout Central America extensively. Alvin often took Lemmy on these trips with him. Lemmy has refused to say much about “Uncle Alvin”, who he lost touch with when he turned 19, but through careful investigation, we have learned that “Uncle Alvin” is none other than CIA superspy E. Howard Hunt.
A high-ranking former CIA agent contacted us a month ago with this story. In a three hour meeting with our editorial staff last week, he detailed how Lemmy first came to Hunt’s attention when he (at nine years old) mailed a plan for how to overthrow the government of Guatemala to the CIA. Hunt was so impressed with the plan (which came to be known as Operation PBSuccess), he used it to remove President Jacobo Arbenz from office in that Central American nation. After using the plan, he began a friendship with Lemmy that lasted throughout his teen years.
At 15, Lemmy became an integral part of planning the failed Bay of Pigs invasion in Cuba. Both Hunt and Lemmy blamed President Kennedy for not calling in air support and letting the plan fail. They wanted revenge and on November 22, 1963 they got it. Beyond being motivated by their lust for vengeance, Hunt was working on behalf of several sinister high level agents within the government who felt Kennedy’s presidency was weakening the United States and leaving us vulnerable to communist infiltration.
Lemmy and Hunt met Oswald during the planning stages of the Bay of Pigs. They struck up a friendship and later, came together to commit the most shocking crime in American history. Oswald was to fire from the book depository building while Lemmy was to shoot from the grassy knoll, essentially creating a death trap from which the President could not escape. Hunt was responsible for the set up and for getting the two out of Dallas after the assassination. While Oswald was captured and eventually murdered by Jack Ruby, a guitarist from one of Lemmy’s early bands, Kilmeister was dressed as a hobo and snuck out of town in an outbound train car.
Hunt cut ties to Lemmy in order to keep the murder a secret. Lemmy returned to England and got involved in the rock scene, first as a roadie to Jimi Hendrix, then as a member of the space-rock band Hawkwind, and finally as leader of the band Motorhead. An unnamed CIA agent who hoped the band could be used to infiltrate Soviet bloc countries and steal information while on tour introduced Philthy Animal Taylor, Motorhead’s drummer, to Lemmy. While it is not known whether this spying took place, it is clear that Philthy Animal was a CIA asset as late at 2001, when he faked his own death to hide his role in the government of Ugandan strongman Idi Amin.
The photograph obtained by Tyranny of Tradition shows Lemmy clearly standing on the grassy knoll firing the shots at Kennedy. In order to prove that it is Lemmy, we hired world-renowned dermatologist Dr. Andrew Falco to study the mole on Lemmy’s face in the picture with several other photos of Lemmy’s mole. According to Dr. Falco, he was nearly 100 percent certain that the mole on Lemmy’s face in the grassy knoll picture is the same mole he has today. Hours after meeting with us, Dr. Falco was found in his home, a victim of five self-inflicted gunshot wounds to the head.
In spite of the evidence of Lemmy’s involvement, the US government has, so far, not connected either Hunt or Lemmy to the killing. Hunt, for his part, confessed to being a part of the JFK assassination on his death bed in 2007. His confession has been largely ignored.
Many of Motorhead’s songs contain veiled references to the assassination, including the song “Stone Deaf In The USA” where Lemmy sings “You can have yourself a real good time…..You can have yourself a life of crime…Get me back to JFK.” The next verse ominously begins with the words “Down To Texas, Can’t Get Enough.”
Rumors have been floating around for years that Ace of Spades was actually the nickname he had for the Mannlicher-Carcano rifle that Lemmy, an avid gun collector, claimed to have bought for 100,000 dollars in the late 70s because of its use in a well-known, but unnamed murder. It is our belief that the famous murder linked to “The Ace of Spades” rifle is the assassination of President John Fitzgerald Kennedy and the assassin was, in fact, Lemmy Kilmeister.
(This is probably the first article in history written using the Choose-Your-Own-Adventure style. When you get to the bottom of the page, click on the link that leads you in the direction you want to go in)
You are called into the Pope’s office at 3 o’clock in the morning. You were summoned by the Vatican because of your impressive track record of killing demons and vegetarians. Back in 2008, you saved the entire city of Cleveland from the wrath of Belial. In 2010, you entered the netherworld and rescued Raiders quarterback Ken “Snake” Stabler, who was sent to Hell by God during a high stakes all night poker game with Satan. Thanks to you, Stabler is alive and well, living in Foley, Alabama.
The Pope seeks your help. He has heard that a demon known as Rotmensen has been living inside Deicide singer Glen Benton for the past 20 years. He has been using Benton as a way of spreading the word of Satan to the souls of metalheads and yoga practicioners and has succeeded in causing great harm to this world. The Pope is particularly angry about the Deicide concert he attended in Argentina last year. Benton showed up an hour late and they only played four songs because of an issue with the club’s management. The Pope had only experienced this sort of insolence once before, at a Sly and The Family Stone concert in 1978, and swore that if he became Pope the demon inside of Benton would be punished.
He has offered you great wealth, fame and the first four Manowar albums on vinyl in return for exorcising the demon in Benton. If you choose to go, you will be accompanied by the priest who performed the exorcism on Cronos back in 1996. He is world renowned for his ability to exorcise particularly evil, heavy metal ghouls. If you are defeated by the demon, your soul may forever be damned to the worst neighborhoods in Hell.
The Pope nods his head. He understands. He wishes you well and walks you to a door on the other side of his office. You are sent down a long corridor which the Pope claims is a shortcut out of The Vatican.
As you are walking down the hallway, you begin to hear a growling sound. The further you walk, the louder the growling becomes. When you reach the halfway point of the corridor 15 Dogs of Doom surround you. You try to fend them off, but they quickly knock you to the floor, incapacitating you.
You struggle through the shooting pain in your arms and legs, trying to get to your feet and get away. You swing your arms and legs wildly. Slowly, the pain begins to lessen and you drift off into eternal sleep. Your last thought as you leave this mortal plane is “Damn, I wish I had participated in the exorcism of Glen Benton.”
Now, it’s too late.
People like you make me sick. Your impatience is ridiculous. All you would have had to do to find out how the story ends is read 4 or 5 pages of text. Instead, you took the easy way out. You are a disgrace. No wonder America is becoming a second rate country.
You are flown to Clearwater, Florida along with Father Dyer, a veteran of a thousand demon wars. In his case, he carries holy water, a pick-axe, the Rites of Exorcism, a Bible, an autographed picture of former wrestling legend Abdullah The Butcher and three vials of spinal fluid extracted from former baseball legend Wade Boggs.
You are driven to a lovely hotel room where the two of you are expected to wait until Benton’s band Deicide performs later that evening. You arrive in the hotel room and begin watching the free HBO and enjoying having the air conditioner cranked to 55 degrees. Father Dyer begins to grow impatient and begins to talk about a change in plan. He claims to have received a tip as to where Benton lives and thinks that ambushing him at his home is a better option than attacking him at the club. If you catch him in his sleep, you can easily behead him and the demon will voluntarily leave his body.
Father Dyer won’t stop bugging you. You just want to relax, drink seltzer and watch the episode of The Wire where Stringer Bell gets killed in peace. Finally, after 20 minutes of telling him to be quiet or you’ll beat him with a clawhammer, you agree to go to Benton’s house and try to ambush him.
You drive your rented Dodge Dart for about 10 minutes, listening to the new Alice in Chains record. You really want to listen to Slayer, but you are afraid it will offend a member of the clergy. At the end of the ride, Father Dyer tells you your choice in music is awful and that you should try picking up the first two Borknagar albums. Although you like Borknagar, you are somewhat insulted that your metal credentials have just been called into question by a priest.
Benton lives in a gated community in one of the nicer suburbs of Tampa. The two of you walk to the front door. It is open, so you quietly tip toe inside. There, you see Benton sitting at his kitchen table in his boxer shorts eating rice krispies and smoking a Pel Mell cigarette. He looks up at you with the trademark evil stare from the back cover of “Once Upon The Cross”. You have interrupted his dinner. He is angry.
Benton’s skin turns blue and his eyes glow bright green. He begins to speak loudly in some language that sounds like a cross between Aramaic and Gullah. He walks to the refrigerator and opens the door. You quickly realize that Father Dyer’s head is in a giant Tupperware container packed in orange Jello on the top shelf next to the milk. Benton laughs. You begin to run, but trip and fall over Father Dyer’s headless, twitching corpse. As your body bursts into flames, you realize that this is going to be the end for you. Certainly not how you expected your life to turn out.
Father Dyer spends the better part of an hour trying to convince you to change the plan and ambush Benton, but you know better. Benton is telepathic and would know you were coming. You lie down on the bed and take a nap. In your dreams, you are sitting in a Wendy’s talking to the ghosts of Hoffman brothers, guitarists whose souls were eaten by Benton during a concert in 2004. They are both drinking Frostees. Brian’s is chocolate, while Eric’s is blood flavored. They warn you to go home. Benton is too powerful. He will destroy you. He is the ultimate form of evil. You will not survive.
You wake up in a cold sweat and a feeling of looming disaster in your throat. Father Dyer is nervously pacing back and forth. He tells you he also took a nap and also had a dream about two Brothers. They were warning him to turn back while drinking Frostees. You chalk it up to coincidence and get dressed for the concert.
You arrive at the show four hours late, just in time for Deicide to begin their set. Benton seems to not notice you, but the fact that the guy you are with is dressed as a priest draws the attention of several members of the crowd. They are slightly amused thinking that Father Dyer is trying to be ironic, but quickly go back to their beverages. As the music begins to play, the two of you inch closer to the stage.
During the middle of “Dead By Dawn”, Benton finally notices you. He has read your mind and knows why you are there. He quickly turns the crowd into man-eating zombies. You kick and punch the zombies away and jump onto the stage. Father Dyer is not so lucky. He is eaten by two overweight gentlemen in Immolation tee-shirts.
Benton is startled. He was certain that the zombies would stop you. This is the perfect time to attack. However, you do not have Father Dyer’s case which contains the Rites of Exorcism. A zombie with a Burzum shirt on is trying to eat it. Then, the zombie begins to repeatedly hit himself in the face with the case. You’re not even quite sure the Burzum fan is a zombie. This is actually pretty reasonable behavior from someone who listens to Burzum. If you do not have the Rites of Exorcism, you’ll have to behead Benton in order to release the demon.
You leap off the stage and run towards the zombie Burzum fan. You grab a chair and smash it across his head. The case falls to the floor. You dive to the ground and open it. It is empty. You hear a terrible laughter above your head.
You look up and a giant dragon with the face of Glen Benton is flapping its wings and flying towards you with a sadistic grin on its face. You quickly scan the room looking for a way out, but before the next thought crosses your mind your body is ripped in half by Benton’s sharp, dragon teeth.
You charge towards Benton attempting to take advantage of him being momentarily surprised. Wings begin to grow from Benton’s back. Before he can morph into a dragon-like beast you slam a guitar into his head knocking him to the ground. You jump on top of him and slam his head into the ground until he falls unconscious. Knowing you only have a moment to take his head off, you quickly rip a string off of the bass, rap it around his neck and being spinning him around. His head flies off and lands in the middle of the pit area. Orange light shoots out of all the openings in his body. You fight your way through the zombies, put Benton’s head in a burlap sack and run for the exit.
Two days later you are back at the Vatican, reading a recent edition of Guns and Ammo magazine in the Pope’s waiting room. He calls you in and you hold up the burlap sack. The Pope asks what is in the bag. You reach in and pull out a head.
All of a sudden, the Pope begins laughing maniacally. In a blur of light, his body and face transform into Glen Benton. You look at the head you are holding up and realize that it is your own.