You Ambush Benton in His Home


Father Dyer won’t stop bugging you.  You just want to relax, drink seltzer and watch the episode of The Wire where Stringer Bell gets killed in peace.  Finally, after 20 minutes of telling him to be quiet or you’ll beat him with a clawhammer, you agree to go to Benton’s house and try to ambush him.

You drive your rented Dodge Dart for about 10 minutes, listening to the new Alice in Chains record.  You really want to listen to Slayer, but you are afraid it will offend a member of the clergy.  At the end of the ride, Father Dyer tells you your choice in music is awful and that you should try picking up the first two Borknagar albums.  Although you like Borknagar, you are somewhat insulted that your metal credentials have just been called into question by a priest.

Benton lives in a gated community in one of the nicer suburbs of Tampa.  The two of you walk to the front door.  It is open, so you quietly tip toe inside.  There, you see Benton sitting at his kitchen table in his boxer shorts eating rice krispies and smoking a Pel Mell cigarette.  He looks up at you with the trademark evil stare from the back cover of “Once Upon The Cross”.  You have interrupted his dinner.  He is angry.

Benton’s skin turns blue and his eyes glow bright green.  He begins to speak loudly in some language that sounds like a cross between Aramaic and Gullah.  He walks to the refrigerator and opens the door.  You quickly realize that Father Dyer’s head is in a giant Tupperware container packed in orange Jello on the top shelf next to the milk.  Benton laughs.  You begin to run, but trip and fall over Father Dyer’s headless, twitching corpse.  As your body bursts into flames, you realize that this is going to be the end for you.  Certainly not how you expected your life to turn out.

The End


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