Posts Tagged Deicide
Atlanta Falcons Fire Former Suffocation Drummer Mike Smith
Posted by Keith Spillett in General Weirdness on December 29, 2014
Smith Moments After The Team’s 34-3 Loss To Carolina
The organization that many refer to as “The Cleveland Browns of The South” fired death metal drummer Mike Smith during a confusing morning press conference today at Flowery Branch. Team owner Arthur Blank cited Smith, whose speed and precision made him a legend during his days as skinsman for Long Island Slam-o-death kings Suffocation, as a major reason for the team’s horrendous performance over the past two seasons.
“Mike’s work, particularly on the double bass pedal, will be remembered by this organization, but things just weren’t clicking and we decided we needed to go in another direction,” said Blank to a room full of bewildered Atlanta media members.
Owner Arthur Blank Fielding A Question About The Album “Blood Oath” Earlier Today
Reports had surfaced earlier this week that Blank was growing increasingly frustrated with Smith’s decision making. The owner was particularly unhappy with what he referred to as “Smith’s poor time signature management”.
Much of Blank’s dissatisfaction stemmed from a Suffocation concert he had attended back in 1993 where Smith accidentally called a timeout during the last few measures of the song “Effigy of The Forgotten”. A source close to the team admitted that Blank blamed the drummer’s mistake for a close loss to Cleveland earlier in the season.
Falcons Receiver Julio Jones Not Fumbling During Yesterday’s Game
Smith, who was at his home in Coram, Long Island during the game, was surprised that a football team who had never hired him had chosen to blame him for their failures and terminate his non-existent contract.
“I got a call a few weeks ago from some raving lunatic who claimed to own the Falcons. He started telling me that if the Falcons didn’t make the playoffs I was going to lose my job. I told him I had never even been to a Falcon game. He said something like ‘maybe that’s why the team is underperforming’.”
“Last night, he called me back yelling about how much he hated the album ‘Breeding The Spawn’ and how the whole season was my fault. Then, he told me I was fired and hung up. It was all very strange.”
In spite of the fact that Smith has nothing to do with the team, he admitted that he had watched the 31-point shellacking at the hands of the Panthers and was disappointed that the team had “performed poorly in all four phases of the game…offense, defense, special teams and cookie monster vocals.”
General Manager Thomas Dimitroff has already begun a search for Smith’s successor. This morning, the organization contacted Deicide about the availability of drummer Steve Asheim. One report claimed the Falcons are seriously considering pursuing free agent drummer Gene Hoglan to fill the make-believe vacancy. The team, however, has denied they have any interest in hiring former 49ers coach and Morbid Angel drummer Jim Harbaugh because he is “too extreme”.
The Ten Best Metal Songs To Play When At A Fast Food Drive-Thru Window
Posted by Keith Spillett in The One Time I Left The House on December 5, 2013
There are many hidden pleasures in being a metalhead. That moment where you start talking to a stranger and realize he actually knows that Peter Steele was in Carnivore before he was in Type O Negative. The moment where you are at the gym and you see a person on the workout machine next to you wearing a Carcass Heartwork tee-shirt. That feeling you get when you are watching a bad, 1980s made-for-television movie about high school and notice one of the extras wearing a jacket with a giant Nuclear Assault patch on the back. You’ll meet a ton of people throughout your life who think metal is nothing more than bad hairstyles, ripped up jeans and “Enter Sandman”, but that moment when you really feel the presence of another member of our bizarre little community is truly a compelling experience.
There is another type of joy that being a metalhead can produce. Very few things are as invigorating as the feeling of completely freaking out unsuspecting strangers with your music and all of the insane, preposterous imagery that surrounds it. A bunch of senior citizens walk by you in the mall. They notice you rocking that vintage Cannibal Corpse “Eaten Back To Life” shirt and quickly avert their eyes. You imagine them wandering around Sears twenty minutes later muttering about how society is in the brink of collapse and decrying the death of all that is sacred and humane.
I’ll admit, it’s a bit of a cheap thrill, but there are some days that this sort of savage and surreal amusement can fill you with a genuine zest for life. Over the years, I’ve learned how to create and actively seek out these sorts of situations. I’ve experimented with many different methods of achieving this sort of “gore-vana”, in some cases with disastrous consequences. However, the one sure-fire place I know I can count on creating a minute or two of total metal-induced awkwardness and not be forced to spend an evening in the county lock-up is at the drive-thru window at fast food restaurants.
You drive up to the window with the first track of Suffocation’s “Effigy of the Forgotten” (Liege of Inveracity) booming through your speakers. The person working there has probably spent most of the day having their humanity completely ignored or, even better, being scolded by vengeful, self-righteous morons deeply scarred by the fact that two weeks ago the Wendy’s forgot to include packets of ketchup with their Value Meal. They are in that mode we so often see in consumer cultures, where the employee is simply treading water in the hopes of surviving the low wages and disrespect that are supposed to one day connect them to that shining pot of gold that politicians and suckers like to refer to as The American Dream.
Then you come along, blasting Frank Mullen’s doglike vocals and Mike Smith’s demented blast beats. That blank stare quickly changes into an expression of total confusion. What sort of person listens to this madness on purpose? Is this person a psychopath who feeds on the blood-curdled screams of the children locked in the trunk of his car? What does this unshaven weirdo hear in this music that I can’t?
You are the great and frightening Other. The Alien. The one who awakens them from their post-capitalist, slumbering nightmare for a brief second in order that they have something to post about on Twitter before they collapse into the awful sameness of reality television and quiet rage.
Over the years, I’ve accumulated a few songs that I believe are perfect for these moments. If you are having a boring afternoon and want a little more adventure in your life, try blaring one of these the next time you are picking up a cheeseburger. (For added effect, wear corpsepaint and sing along loudly and off key)
10. Anything From Gorguts-Obscura. I say anything because, as much as I love that album, I have no idea of the difference between any of the songs. (This also applies to most pre-2000s black metal)
9. Vader-Decapitated Saints. Those fast, indecipherable vocals are great, particularly if you are able to bug your eyes out and work up one of those Charles Manson looking stares.
8. Misfits-Bullet (Before you start whining about the whole it’s not metal, it’s punk thing, please understand that I find that conversation almost absurd and pointless as listening to someone describe how to properly prepare hog maws) The lyrics from this one are bound to at least elicit a smirk from your mark. Particularly when you get to the part where he starts saying, well, you know….
7. Slayer-Altar of Sacrifice. This one is a bit tricky. It involves timing. If you can manage to have Araya bellowing “Enter To The Realm of Satan!!!” right as you are presented with your jumbo-sized Diet Coke, you will achieve maximum effect.
6. Metallica-Creeping Death. Same as above except you need to sync it up with “DIE…BY MY HAND!!!”.
5. Suffocation-Liege of Inveracity. We’ve discussed this.
4. Manowar-Black, Wind, Fire and Steel. It’s not the most intimidating song on this list by a long shot, but something about that note Eric Adams holds for a half an hour at the end of the song really works for the situation.
3. Cannibal Corpse-Hammer Smashed Face I’ve tried many different options when it comes to inducing Cannibal Corpse freakouts, but for my money, this is the one that produces the most terror.
2. Morbid Angel-Hatework Part 70s horror film score, part growl from the depths of Hell, this song has a way of leaving lasting scars on the uninitated. For years, I used the last three minutes of God of Emptiness, but this seems to make more of an impact.
1. Deicide-Dead By Dawn This song, by far, has gotten me the most perplexed, stupefied looks. Glen Benton isn’t good for much, but making some high school wage slave drop a Frosty all over the register is an area in which he excels.
You Agree to Participate in The Exorcism of Glen Benton
Posted by Keith Spillett in The Exorcism of Glen Benton on June 25, 2013
You are flown to Clearwater, Florida along with Father Dyer, a veteran of a thousand demon wars. In his case, he carries holy water, a pick-axe, the Rites of Exorcism, a Bible, an autographed picture of former wrestling legend Abdullah The Butcher and three vials of spinal fluid extracted from former baseball legend Wade Boggs.
You are driven to a lovely hotel room where the two of you are expected to wait until Benton’s band Deicide performs later that evening. You arrive in the hotel room and begin watching the free HBO and enjoying having the air conditioner cranked to 55 degrees. Father Dyer begins to grow impatient and begins to talk about a change in plan. He claims to have received a tip as to where Benton lives and thinks that ambushing him at his home is a better option than attacking him at the club. If you catch him in his sleep, you can easily behead him and the demon will voluntarily leave his body.
Do you…
Stick To The Original Plan and Wait For The
Concert
Stick To The Original Plan and Wait For The Concert
Posted by Keith Spillett in The Exorcism of Glen Benton on June 25, 2013
Father Dyer spends the better part of an hour trying to convince you to change the plan and ambush Benton, but you know better. Benton is telepathic and would know you were coming. You lie down on the bed and take a nap. In your dreams, you are sitting in a Wendy’s talking to the ghosts of Hoffman brothers, guitarists whose souls were eaten by Benton during a concert in 2004. They are both drinking Frostees. Brian’s is chocolate, while Eric’s is blood flavored. They warn you to go home. Benton is too powerful. He will destroy you. He is the ultimate form of evil. You will not survive.
You wake up in a cold sweat and a feeling of looming disaster in your throat. Father Dyer is nervously pacing back and forth. He tells you he also took a nap and also had a dream about two Brothers. They were warning him to turn back while drinking Frostees. You chalk it up to coincidence and get dressed for the concert.
You arrive at the show four hours late, just in time for Deicide to begin their set. Benton seems to not notice you, but the fact that the guy you are with is dressed as a priest draws the attention of several members of the crowd. They are slightly amused thinking that Father Dyer is trying to be ironic, but quickly go back to their beverages. As the music begins to play, the two of you inch closer to the stage.
During the middle of “Dead By Dawn”, Benton finally notices you. He has read your mind and knows why you are there. He quickly turns the crowd into man-eating zombies. You kick and punch the zombies away and jump onto the stage. Father Dyer is not so lucky. He is eaten by two overweight gentlemen in Immolation tee-shirts.
Benton is startled. He was certain that the zombies would stop you. This is the perfect time to attack. However, you do not have Father Dyer’s case which contains the Rites of Exorcism. A zombie with a Burzum shirt on is trying to eat it. Then, the zombie begins to repeatedly hit himself in the face with the case. You’re not even quite sure the Burzum fan is a zombie. This is actually pretty reasonable behavior from someone who listens to Burzum. If you do not have the Rites of Exorcism, you’ll have to behead Benton in order to release the demon.
Do you…
Get the case with the Rites of Exorcism from the zombie Burzum fan
Deicide To Record Yet Another Yoga Themed Satanic Death Metal Album
Posted by Keith Spillett in General Weirdness on June 6, 2013
Here we go again! In the hopes of cashing in on a trend that seems to never go away, Florida death metal legends have become the 318th band to record an album focusing on the obvious connection between Satanism and yoga. The album, tentatively titled “Hellward Facing Dog”, is scheduled for release in September in an attempt to not coincide with the hundreds of satanic yoga albums due out this summer.
Since the release of Virginia Republican Lieutenant Gubernatorial candidate E.W. Jackson’s 2008 book Ten Commandments To An Extraordinary Life: Making Your Dreams Come True, which claims that yoga opens the soul to tampering by the devil, a nearly endless stream of Satan-themed yoga metal albums have come and gone. “The connection is so obvious it seems passé at this point,” said lifetime yoga practitioner and devil worshiper Billy “Gore Tornado” Yee, “it’s obvious that if you engage in a spiritual practice that in any way steps outside the Western religious tradition or that seems, well, weird, you are bound to have your soul turned into Swiss cheese by the Dark Lord himself. It was just a matter of time before the metal world caught up.”
Boy, have they ever caught up! Satanic yoga metal classes have moved from fringe exercises performed by a legion of hate mongering savages to a regular activity taught at your local YMCA. Morbid Angel’s yoga video “Sweatin’ With Satan” was the number 3 workout video in the country in 2009. The classic “horns-up” metal salute has been jettisoned in favor of a Buddhist hand mudra. Moshing, once common at metal shows, has been replaced by groups of angry, tee shirt clad metalheads reciting mantras while seated in lotus position.
Deicide frontman Glen Benton, a “satanic purist” who had previously claimed to have no interest in the yogafying the band’s sound, has recently embraced the ancient art and even appeared on the television show “The View” to do poses with host Elizabeth Hasselbeck. During the show, Benton admitted he was wrong about yoga and had never really taken the time to consider how sitting quietly in meditation and reconnecting with his body would allow him to unlock the “Satan within” that he had been seeking most of his adult life. Benton went on to say that Deicide was considering using the next tour to promote even more controversial satanic practices like playing soccer and eating yogurt.
Supreme Court Finds Moment of Prayer Before Atheist Concert To Be Unconstitutional
Posted by Keith Spillett in General Weirdness on October 8, 2012
Florida death metal band Atheist thought they were doing the right thing for their community. They had been scheduled to play a series of concerts during lunch at local elementary schools throughout the Tampa/Clearwater area in order to spread the appreciation of music and the love of our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ. However, on Thursday, the US Supreme Court upheld a law that prohibits prayer during metal concerts on public school grounds. In effect, this means that Atheist and other faith-based death metal bands are no longer allowed to pray before concerts at public schools.
A good number of local politicians and parents have denounced the decision, which shocked most legal experts who are used to the government letting people get away with anything they want as long as they invoke the name of the Christian God. Members of the band Atheist are particularly outraged by the Court’s ruling, which they believe prohibits their constitutionally guaranteed right to pressure young school children into conforming to wildly absurd community standards. According to Atheist drummer Steve Flynn, “if music can’t be used as a tool of forcing children into the belief that every mistake they make could potentially earn them an eternity of torment, what’s the point of even playing?”
Atheist has been known for their outspoken Christian beliefs over the past few years. They refuse to play concerts on Sundays and have been known to throw Chick-Fila sandwiches at anyone wearing satanic black metal shirts or mocking Tim Tebow’s throwing arm. They played several fundraisers earlier in the year for Presidential candidate Rick Santorum and have even dedicated their song “Faux King Christ” to Moral Majority Founder Jerry Falwell at a concert in July.
The Court has not been shy recently over taking cases involving religion and heavy metal. Last year, they ruled 5 to 4 that members of the band Deicide can be forced to do the Pledge of Allegiance before concerts in spite of the fact that they are Jehovah’s Witnesses and their faith prohibits saluting secular symbols. In a landmark case back in 2008, they ruled that the black metal band Watain was prohibited from throwing out non-Kosher animal parts into the audience during concerts taking place in a synagogue.
Deicide’s Glen Benton Saves Baby From Burning Building; Throws It Back
Posted by Keith Spillett in General Weirdness on April 26, 2012
Deicide vocalist Glen Benton has gained a reputation over the years of being mean-spirited and callous. There was the time shot a squirrel with a pellet gun during an interview, or the time where he interrupted Christmas service at a local Tampa church by jokingly crucifying a senior citizen, or the time he sold chemical weapons to former Iraqi dictator Saddam Hussein. However, as we all know, even in the darkest and cruelest of human hearts, there is a bright light that shines. No better example of this exists than what took place in Clearwater, Florida on Wednesday night.
Benton was walking home from his weekly Bible study and burning at a local Denny’s when he noticed a fire had broken out in a single family home. Benton witnessed a man and a woman out on the curb screaming about a small baby trapped in the burning hulk of a building.
Without a moments thought, Benton rushed into the house, climbed two flights of smoke filled stairs and burst through the door of the infants room. The stairs had become impassible so Benton tucked the baby into his jacket and leaped out the window grabbing a tree with his free arm. There he hung in agony for seven minutes waiting for the fire trucks to arrive.
At this point, a small crowd of neighbors had gathered round. As the firemen helped Benton down from the tree they began to applaud his amazing feat of bravery. When he reached the ground and ran to the street, the group surrounded Benton and began thank him as tears of joy streamed down their faces.
In all the excitement and commotion, he threw the baby as far as he could. It landed with a horrible thud in the smoldering wreck of a house. The crowd was so stunned by Benton’s selfless actions, they ignored the burning child and lifted them onto their shoulders, carrying him up and down the street while singing the chorus from “Dead By Dawn”.
This isn’t the first time Benton has done something truly beautiful in service of his fellow human. Back in 1998, Glen donated his earlobes and nose to a seven-year-old child who needed them to survive. In 2003, he began a shelter for injured llamas and three-legged-pigs, which he runs out of the basement of his house to this day. He spends his weekends helping to nurse sick baby woodchucks back to health at the local Tampa Zoo.
Glen’s work with one particular charity is particularly impressive. He donated most of the profits of the Deicide album “The Stench of Redemption” to Brands For Babies, a non-profit organization that helps small children get inverted crosses burned into their foreheads. Benton is the national spokesman for the organization and has helped over 50,000 infants get the mark of Satan on their heads since 2006.
Of course, he will be remembered for creating some of the most punishing and horrifying music ever to be recorded, but there is a softer, more loving side to Glen Benton that few people see. If you look past his menacing Manson-like countenance, his frightening behavior and his cold, dead eyes, you’re likely to see a man with a heart of gold.
The Tyranny of Tradition 