Posts Tagged Deicide

If Glen Benton Was A Librarian

Glen-Benton-Library

(Art by ZDK)

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Atlanta Falcons Fire Former Suffocation Drummer Mike Smith

Smith Moments After The Team's 34-3 Loss To Carolina

Smith Moments After The Team’s 34-3 Loss To Carolina

The organization that many refer to as “The Cleveland Browns of The South” fired death metal drummer Mike Smith during a confusing morning press conference today at Flowery Branch. Team owner Arthur Blank cited Smith, whose speed and precision made him a legend during his days as skinsman for Long Island Slam-o-death kings Suffocation, as a major reason for the team’s horrendous performance over the past two seasons.

“Mike’s work, particularly on the double bass pedal, will be remembered by this organization, but things just weren’t clicking and we decided we needed to go in another direction,” said Blank to a room full of bewildered Atlanta media members.

Owner Arthur Blank Fielding A Question About The Album "Blood Oath" Earlier Today

Owner Arthur Blank Fielding A Question About The Album “Blood Oath” Earlier Today

Reports had surfaced earlier this week that Blank was growing increasingly frustrated with Smith’s decision making. The owner was particularly unhappy with what he referred to as “Smith’s poor time signature management”.

Much of Blank’s dissatisfaction stemmed from a Suffocation concert he had attended back in 1993 where Smith accidentally called a timeout during the last few measures of the song “Effigy of The Forgotten”. A source close to the team admitted that Blank blamed the drummer’s mistake for a close loss to Cleveland earlier in the season.

Julio Jones Not Fumbling During Yesterday's Game

Falcons Receiver Julio Jones Not Fumbling During Yesterday’s Game

Smith, who was at his home in Coram, Long Island during the game, was surprised that a football team who had never hired him had chosen to blame him for their failures and terminate his non-existent contract.

“I got a call a few weeks ago from some raving lunatic who claimed to own the Falcons. He started telling me that if the Falcons didn’t make the playoffs I was going to lose my job. I told him I had never even been to a Falcon game. He said something like ‘maybe that’s why the team is underperforming’.”

“Last night, he called me back yelling about how much he hated the album ‘Breeding The Spawn’ and how the whole season was my fault.  Then, he told me I was fired and hung up.  It was all very strange.”

In spite of the fact that Smith has nothing to do with the team, he admitted that he had watched the 31-point shellacking at the hands of the Panthers and was disappointed that the team had “performed poorly in all four phases of the game…offense, defense, special teams and cookie monster vocals.”

General Manager Thomas Dimitroff has already begun a search for Smith’s successor. This morning, the organization contacted Deicide about the availability of drummer Steve Asheim. One report claimed the Falcons are seriously considering pursuing free agent drummer Gene Hoglan to fill the make-believe vacancy. The team, however, has denied they have any interest in hiring former 49ers coach and Morbid Angel drummer Jim Harbaugh because he is “too extreme”.

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Glen Benton: Activist or Anti-Christ?

Glen Benton Christmas Sweater

Some of the people we view as great Americans have spent the better part of their lives being derided and defamed, only to later be discovered as incredible human beings.  Harry Truman was a wildly unpopular President who was viewed as incompetent by many in the press.  Today, he is viewed as one of the great Presidents of the modern era.  Muhammad Ali was once believed to be a draft dodging, loud mouth braggart who was disgracing the sport of boxing and America itself. When the “Sportsman of The Century” lit the Olympic torch in 1996 in Atlanta, there was almost no mention of that.

There are some people just like this in our world today.  One such man inhabits the world of heavy metal.  This local hero, defender of humanity, and social activist has sat quietly in the face of persecution for many years. That man is Deicide vocalist Glen Benton.

Most of Glen’s early works, much like those of Henry David Thoreau, focus on the abuses committed by the dominant religious system in America.  In a world racked by grief and suffering, Benton posed questions like “How can you call yourself a God?”  He also passionately revealed the mistreatment of God’s followers in his work with potent lines like “God is the reason we live in dismay, it is his will that this world is suffering”. After this intense period of anti-religious activism, Benton was directed by his own ethical compass inward to a more gentle period of his life.

Benton, Bunnies and Babies
Thus began his “furry adoption phase”. He began by adopting a few baby bunnies. The more bunnies he adopted, the bigger his heart swelled. At one time, the Benton house was home to over 300 baby bunnies.  He adopted many other animals included wounded llamas, lemurs and aardvarks, but it was the bunnies that he forged the deepest connection with.  This led to the most musically awkward phase of Benton’s career.

In 1994, Deicide tried to release the album “Cute Little Bugs” which was rejected by the record label and later re-recorded the next year with different lyrics as “Once Upon The Cross”.  The looming threat of commercial failure in the midst of soaring rabbit food costs was a wake-up call to Benton. He got back on the anti-God musical bandwagon in order to continue to support the incredible collection of animals who relied on him for sustenance.

The next major event in Benton’s life is still shocking to many. On a gloomy late December morning, he received a knock on his door.   When he opened it he found a young orphan left in a basket on his doorstep with a note that read simply “Jesus”. Benton, who could have easily eaten or sold the baby, instead committed the next years of his life to raising him, feeding him out of a bottle, and even going so far as to suckle him from his own teat. As he grew older, Jesus began eating sugary cereal, watching cartoons, and collecting Pokemon cards. In those days they were one big happy family- Benton, Jesus, and all 300 of the cuddly bunnies. He recalls that Jesus was just like any other normal kid, and that he often left crayons in his pockets which would melt in the wash.

Benton and Jesus
The mixing of Jesus and the bunnies under one roof is how our modern Easter tradition came about. We can all thank Glen Benton for that. However, when Mary and God, the child’s rightful parents, returned to claim him, Benton lost a bitter custody battle and had to say good-bye to young Jesus.

Years later, Jesus was arrested and crucified by the Roman authorities for shoplifting.  He still blames God for allowing the death of his young friend.  Had young Jesus stayed in Benton’s care, the two would still be happily sitting on a couch watching episodes of Yo Gabba Gabba.  Things turned out far differently.  Still haunted by those terrible memories, Benton has spent much of the latter part of his career singing about Jesus’ unfortunate death.

This was a dark and distressing period for Benton. He sought to make a strong statement about the injustices God had committed against his once foster son. He burned an upside-down cross into his forehead as a constant reminder of the grave injustice that had been committed. This act, while viewed as completely insane by some, has earned him the occasional comparison to the Buddhist monks who set themselves in fire in protest of the South Vietnamese government in the 1960s by those who understand Benton’s commitment to social justice.

Since that time, Benton has been busy teaching a young generation not to die on crosses or listen to their idiot parents, even if they are God. He has constantly been portrayed in as negative light by the media, having been called the everything from a terrible influence on America’s youth to the Antichrist. The truth is, Benton an activist in the mold of Mahatma Gandhi, Nelson Mandela and Sean Penn.  More than anything, Glen needs our love and understanding. Compassion for The Caco-Daemon is a non-profit group that has been started to collect letters of support and affection for Glen and his important cause.  They are currently accepting handwritten cards (preferably in crayon) to encourage Benton to continue his fight.

Cards can be mailed to:

Compassion For The Caco-Daemon
PO Box 2204
Gresham, OR 97030

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The Ten Best Metal Songs To Play When At A Fast Food Drive-Thru Window

heavy metal drive-thru window

There are many hidden pleasures in being a metalhead.  That moment where you start talking to a stranger and realize he actually knows that Peter Steele was in Carnivore before he was in Type O Negative.  The moment where you are at the gym and you see a person on the workout machine next to you wearing a Carcass Heartwork tee-shirt.  That feeling you get when you are watching a bad, 1980s made-for-television movie about high school and notice one of the extras wearing a jacket with a giant Nuclear Assault patch on the back.  You’ll meet a ton of people throughout your life who think metal is nothing more than bad hairstyles, ripped up jeans and “Enter Sandman”, but that moment when you really feel the presence of another member of our bizarre little community is truly a compelling experience.

There is another type of joy that being a metalhead can produce.  Very few things are as invigorating as the feeling of completely freaking out unsuspecting strangers with your music and all of the insane, preposterous imagery that surrounds it.  A bunch of senior citizens walk by you in the mall.  They notice you rocking that vintage Cannibal Corpse “Eaten Back To Life” shirt and quickly avert their eyes.  You imagine them wandering around Sears twenty minutes later muttering about how society is in the brink of collapse and decrying the death of all that is sacred and humane.

I’ll admit, it’s a bit of a cheap thrill, but there are some days that this sort of savage and surreal amusement can fill you with a genuine zest for life.  Over the years, I’ve learned how to create and actively seek out these sorts of situations.  I’ve experimented with many different methods of achieving this sort of “gore-vana”, in some cases with disastrous consequences.  However, the one sure-fire place I know I can count on creating a minute or two of total metal-induced awkwardness and not be forced to spend an evening in the county lock-up is at the drive-thru window at fast food restaurants.

You drive up to the window with the first track of Suffocation’s “Effigy of the Forgotten” (Liege of Inveracity) booming through your speakers.  The person working there has probably spent most of the day having their humanity completely ignored or, even better, being scolded by vengeful, self-righteous morons deeply scarred by the fact that two weeks ago the Wendy’s forgot to include packets of ketchup with their Value Meal.  They are in that mode we so often see in consumer cultures, where the employee is simply treading water in the hopes of surviving the low wages and disrespect that are supposed to one day connect them to that shining pot of gold that politicians and suckers like to refer to as The American Dream.

Then you come along, blasting Frank Mullen’s doglike vocals and Mike Smith’s demented blast beats.  That blank stare quickly changes into an expression of total confusion.  What sort of person listens to this madness on purpose?  Is this person a psychopath who feeds on the blood-curdled screams of the children locked in the trunk of his car?  What does this unshaven weirdo hear in this music that I can’t?

You are the great and frightening Other.  The Alien.  The one who awakens them from their post-capitalist, slumbering nightmare for a brief second in order that they have something to post about on Twitter before they collapse into the awful sameness of reality television and quiet rage.

Over the years, I’ve accumulated a few songs that I believe are perfect for these moments.  If you are having a boring afternoon and want a little more adventure in your life, try blaring one of these the next time you are picking up a cheeseburger.  (For added effect, wear corpsepaint and sing along loudly and off key)

10.  Anything From Gorguts-Obscura.  I say anything because, as much as I love that album, I have no idea of the difference between any of the songs.  (This also applies to most pre-2000s black metal)

9.  Vader-Decapitated Saints.  Those fast, indecipherable vocals are great, particularly if you are able to bug your eyes out and work up one of those Charles Manson looking stares.

8.  Misfits-Bullet  (Before you start whining about the whole it’s not metal, it’s punk thing, please understand that I find that conversation almost absurd and pointless as listening to someone describe how to properly prepare hog maws)  The lyrics from this one are bound to at least elicit a smirk from your mark.  Particularly when you get to the part where he starts saying, well, you know….

7.  Slayer-Altar of Sacrifice.  This one is a bit tricky.  It involves timing.  If you can manage to have Araya bellowing “Enter To The Realm of Satan!!!” right as you are presented with your jumbo-sized Diet Coke, you will achieve maximum effect.

6.  Metallica-Creeping Death.  Same as above except you need to sync it up with “DIE…BY MY HAND!!!”.

5.  Suffocation-Liege of Inveracity.  We’ve discussed this.

4.  Manowar-Black, Wind, Fire and Steel.  It’s not the most intimidating song on this list by a long shot, but something about that note Eric Adams holds for a half an hour at the end of the song really works for the situation.

3.  Cannibal Corpse-Hammer Smashed Face I’ve tried many different options when it comes to inducing Cannibal Corpse freakouts, but for my money, this is the one that produces the most terror.

2.  Morbid Angel-Hatework  Part 70s horror film score, part growl from the depths of Hell, this song has a way of leaving lasting scars on the uninitated.  For years, I used the last three minutes of God of Emptiness, but this seems to make more of an impact.

1.  Deicide-Dead By Dawn  This song, by far, has gotten me the most perplexed, stupefied looks.  Glen Benton isn’t good for much, but making some high school wage slave drop a Frosty all over the register is an area in which he excels.

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You Agree to Participate in The Exorcism of Glen Benton

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You are flown to Clearwater, Florida along with Father Dyer, a veteran of a thousand demon wars.  In his case, he carries holy water, a pick-axe, the Rites of Exorcism, a Bible, an autographed picture of former wrestling legend Abdullah The Butcher and three vials of spinal fluid extracted from former baseball legend Wade Boggs.

You are driven to a lovely hotel room where the two of you are expected to wait until Benton’s band Deicide performs later that evening.  You arrive in the hotel room and begin watching the free HBO and enjoying having the air conditioner cranked to 55 degrees.  Father Dyer begins to grow impatient and begins to talk about a change in plan.  He claims to have received a tip as to where Benton lives and thinks that ambushing him at his home is a better option than attacking him at the club.  If you catch him in his sleep, you can easily behead him and the demon will voluntarily leave his body.

Do you…

Stick To The Original Plan and Wait For The
Concert

 

Try To Ambush Benton In His Home

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Stick To The Original Plan and Wait For The Concert

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Father Dyer spends the better part of an hour trying to convince you to change the plan and ambush Benton, but you know better.  Benton is telepathic and would know you were coming.  You lie down on the bed and take a nap.  In your dreams, you are sitting in a Wendy’s talking to the ghosts of Hoffman brothers, guitarists whose souls were eaten by Benton during a concert in 2004.  They are both drinking Frostees.  Brian’s is chocolate, while Eric’s is blood flavored.  They warn you to go home.  Benton is too powerful.  He will destroy you.  He is the ultimate form of evil.  You will not survive.

You wake up in a cold sweat and a feeling of looming disaster in your throat.  Father Dyer is nervously pacing back and forth.  He tells you he also took a nap and also had a dream about two Brothers.  They were warning him to turn back while drinking Frostees.  You chalk it up to coincidence and get dressed for the concert.

You arrive at the show four hours late, just in time for Deicide to begin their set.  Benton seems to not notice you, but the fact that the guy you are with is dressed as a priest draws the attention of several members of the crowd.  They are slightly amused thinking that Father Dyer is trying to be ironic, but quickly go back to their beverages.  As the music begins to play, the two of you inch closer to the stage.

During the middle of “Dead By Dawn”, Benton finally notices you.  He has read your mind and knows why you are there.  He quickly turns the crowd into man-eating zombies.  You kick and punch the zombies away and jump onto the stage.  Father Dyer is not so lucky.  He is eaten by two overweight gentlemen in Immolation tee-shirts.

Benton is startled.  He was certain that the zombies would stop you.  This is the perfect time to attack.  However, you do not have Father Dyer’s case which contains the Rites of Exorcism.  A zombie with a Burzum shirt on is trying to eat it.  Then, the zombie begins to repeatedly hit himself in the face with the case.  You’re not even quite sure the Burzum fan is a zombie.  This is actually pretty reasonable behavior from someone who listens to Burzum.   If you do not have the Rites of Exorcism, you’ll have to behead Benton in order to release the demon.

Do you…

 

Get the case with the Rites of Exorcism from the zombie Burzum fan

 

Do you attack Benton and attempt to behead him

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Deicide To Record Yet Another Yoga Themed Satanic Death Metal Album

DEICIDE
Here we go again!  In the hopes of cashing in on a trend that seems to never go away, Florida death metal legends have become the 318th band to record an album focusing on the obvious connection between Satanism and yoga.  The album, tentatively titled “Hellward Facing Dog”, is scheduled for release in September in an attempt to not coincide with the hundreds of satanic yoga albums due out this summer.

Since the release of Virginia Republican Lieutenant Gubernatorial candidate E.W. Jackson’s 2008 book Ten Commandments To An Extraordinary Life:  Making Your Dreams Come True, which claims that yoga opens the soul to tampering by the devil, a nearly endless stream of Satan-themed yoga metal albums have come and gone.  “The connection is so obvious it seems passé at this point,” said lifetime yoga practitioner and devil worshiper Billy “Gore Tornado” Yee, “it’s obvious that if you engage in a spiritual practice that in any way steps outside the Western religious tradition or that seems, well, weird, you are bound to have your soul turned into Swiss cheese by the Dark Lord himself.  It was just a matter of time before the metal world caught up.”

Boy, have they ever caught up!  Satanic yoga metal classes have moved from fringe exercises performed by a legion of hate mongering savages to a regular activity taught at your local YMCA.  Morbid Angel’s yoga video “Sweatin’ With Satan” was the number 3 workout video in the country in 2009. The classic “horns-up” metal salute has been jettisoned in favor of a Buddhist hand mudra.  Moshing, once common at metal shows, has been replaced by groups of angry, tee shirt clad metalheads reciting mantras while seated in lotus position.

Deicide frontman Glen Benton, a “satanic purist” who had previously claimed to have no interest in the yogafying the band’s sound, has recently embraced the ancient art and even appeared on the television show “The View” to do poses with host Elizabeth Hasselbeck.  During the show, Benton admitted he was wrong about yoga and had never really taken the time to consider how sitting quietly in meditation and reconnecting with his body would allow him to unlock the “Satan within” that he had been seeking most of his adult life.  Benton went on to say that Deicide was considering using the next tour to promote even more controversial satanic practices like playing soccer and eating yogurt.

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