Metalhead Facebook Terrorists Across America Encouraged To Surrender To Police

The New Face of Terror

The New Face of Terror

America is in crisis. Race riots, wars raging around the world threatening our ability to buy gas for under four dollars a gallon, the tragic deaths of talented comedians…it seems to many as if this great republic is on the brink of collapse. And yet, the greatest threat to our great nation has up, until last week, gone completely unnoticed.


A wave of shocking, horrifying, demented, godless, communistic, bovine, twisted, fascist, macabre, demonic, ghastly, alarming, borderline anti-social heavy metal rock and roll lyrics have been posted throughout what the media is calling “the Internet”. These lyrics are passed secretly from terrorist to terrorist through socialist media websites Facebook, Twitter and Friendster.


Last week, James Evans, a 31-year-old potential terrorist, was arrested for posting lyrics to the Exodus song “Class Dismissed (A Hate Primer)”. Beyond simply posting the lyrics, Evans was accused of conspiring to possibly attempt to post more metal lyrics at a later date. Exodus’ new album “Music We Wrote To Inspire People To Kill Children and Babies” is expected to hit stores in October.


The lyrics, which may be responsible for the deaths of hundreds of people who have yet to die and might actually not be in danger, are only the tip of the iceberg of this titanic problem. Apparently, from coast to coast, children as young as three are posting metal lyrics using words like “murder”, “violence”, “cannibalism”, and “buttering”.



According to the man who had Evans arrested, Greenville, Kentucky Police Chief Arthur Smathers, heavy metal is a “gateway drug to the death of the American way of life.”


Not only does Smathers believe that heavy metal lyrics on the Internet can lead to mass murder and acts of unspeakable cruelty, he believes it can even go so far as to lead America’s youth into the clutches of living an alternative lifestyle.


“Forget about all the violence and bloodshed and death for a second. Are you aware that many male heavy metal fans are, in fact, Homo sapiens? Also, many innocent young women who have been exposed heavy metal have had their lives ruined. Why…I know of several young women who have listened to one Exodus album and immediately moved to wicked places like Greenwich Village in order to become thespians.”


The Department of Homeland Security, the FBI, and state, federal and local police departments have encouraged all Metalhead Facebook Terrorists to turn themselves in at once and have offered limited edition 180 gram vinyl copies of Metallica’s “Ride The Lightning” to the first 10,000 arrested.


In preparation for the mass arrest and quarantine of these miscreants, the United States seized Easter Island from whoever owns it and plans on turning it into a giant island sized “tolerance facility” in order to keep the public safe from potential terrorist acts of terror by these terrorists who use terror to strike terror into the hearts of Americans.

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  1. #1 by Fried Chicken And Metal on September 5, 2014 - 9:33 AM

    I blame Slenderman.

  2. #2 by Keith Spillett on September 5, 2014 - 9:34 AM

    Thanks Slenderman

  3. #3 by Kealin Wilkins on September 5, 2014 - 10:22 AM

    This is the most ridiculous thing I’ve ever read. I’m a metalhead and listen to this music and have had no desire to commit any atrocity mentioned in these songs. lmfao

  4. #4 by Donnie Rogers on September 5, 2014 - 12:06 PM

    Just something to kill “Our Genre” of music been happening for years. You can`t kill Rock N Roll!!!
    Our biggest threat is not the other countries its our own Gov`t.

  5. #5 by John Nelson on September 5, 2014 - 12:27 PM

    From the holy sea of golden flames
    flies the last winged unicorn
    With its magic breath of innocence
    rising to the crystal throne

  6. #6 by D.j. Kennedy on September 5, 2014 - 3:14 PM

    I’ve been a rocka rolla from way back, From the Ramones to slayer to slipknot, the Dead Kennedy’s and I’m just fine, A lil twisted but fine. I don’t drink I don’t do drugs, I’m a free thinking American and I love heavy metal. I got tattoo’s and piercings wear biker leathers and concert shirt’s I think they should stop racial profiling and worry bout the real terrorist’s in the Whitehouse!!

  7. #7 by johndockus on September 5, 2014 - 3:33 PM

    For God Your Soul… For Me Your Flesh. Joel-Peter Witkin presiding over a cannibal kiss. Apple in the mouth, cork in the anus. Been Caught Buttering and going to detention. When Tipper Gore bent him over her knee and spanked him, he became hot for teacher. Irrepressible. When the Doc took an x-ray of him to find a cure, he was twitching, started banging his head.

    Could be a secret government program of metal implantation. There could be a small chip in my brain right now. Why the fuck can’t I like Barry Manilow and Beyonce? Why these outbursts of sarcasm? Why these thunderclaps of intelligence? Why do I do Kung Fu moves in the dark and worship the hero of Deadbeat at Dawn? (Mad Scientist wringing of the hands) – What have they done to me!

  8. #8 by Haydn on September 5, 2014 - 4:00 PM

    What a load of bollocks, I have listened to metal since I was a child and my job involves aspiring to make everyone’s life better. Every metalhead I know is highly caring and would never hurt anyone or themselves. Obviously there is going to be the odd person but that is likely the same as every over music genre, cough rap.

  9. #9 by HATEGROOVE on September 5, 2014 - 4:47 PM

    It is obviously the music.why o why cant you see this you evil,devil worshiping,pot smoking terrorist!!! Its not like anybody ever listened to a beatles album a commited mass murder!!! O…wait…

  10. #10 by Jimi Changa on September 5, 2014 - 5:43 PM

    Oh damn. You found me out.

  11. #11 by PhantomX on September 5, 2014 - 6:56 PM

    Thank god someone’s finally cracking down on this epidemic. I tried metal once, the following blur of incoherent movements and loud noises scarred me for life. To this day I still feel, from time to time, that I’m a captain on a bad ass viking ship, foot on the rail, surrounded by big titty winches, playing air guitar. Horrible, I know. I strongly recommend parents talk to there children about this, before they too become another metal statistic.

  12. #12 by arcanebop on September 5, 2014 - 7:13 PM

    Hey, dumbasses. It’s a satirical piece.

    I despair for the fate of the metal audience if any of you actually thought the following was a serious statement: “A wave of shocking, horrifying, demented, godless, communistic, bovine, twisted, fascist, macabre, demonic, ghastly, alarming, borderline anti-social heavy metal rock and roll lyrics have been posted throughout what the media is calling ‘the Internet’.”

  13. #13 by Jimi Changa on September 5, 2014 - 8:16 PM

    You sir are alarmingly bovine in your despair. How dare you mock our mocking?
    Who do you think you are?
    What do you want to do with your life?

  14. #15 by kayla on September 5, 2014 - 8:32 PM

    This is satire. In case you missed it…

  15. #16 by johndockus on September 5, 2014 - 8:36 PM

    Ratt! I wanna Steven Pearcy comb-over! But the skinheads over there are tapping the toes of their Doc Martens, thumbs in their suspenders. I’m so conflicted. Hey Keith, I’ve been listening to Pungent Stench all day. The flies are buzzing around my head.

    • #17 by Jimi Changa on September 6, 2014 - 4:11 AM

      Why can the bodies fly?

  16. #18 by johndockus on September 6, 2014 - 2:26 PM

    I have a United Mutation, folks. I got in the transmission booth at a different time than scientist Seth Brundle played by Jeff Goldblum. I entered fully human, but I exited having hind legs more powerful than a kangaroo’s and a toad tongue which flies out of my yapper like a harpoon. I have deadly accuracy, and I can leap over cars in a single bound. Goldblum was all abuzz and horrified when he spotted me among the paparazzi at the red carpet opening of his movie. I disguised myself well in a huge black trenchcoat which dragged behind me like the train of a dress, a french beret as large and flat as a pizza, and had on sunglasses as big as scuba goggles. I definitely turned heads but everyone seemed to take it as a publicity stunt, maybe believing I belonged to Lady Gaga’s entourage. I hate Lady Gaga’s guts, and would throw out my tongue at her without a moment’s hesitation, sticking it to the side of her powdered mug, ripping it off if I could – after all she’s her own kind of ripoff artist, grandiosely narcissistic and sensationalizing, yet another chameleon stealing everyone else’s schtick and colors and pretending it’s original, and I’m a connoisseur of irony and believe in poetic justice – but I must be careful on the lam. After all I’m considered a terrorist by that Cyclops called the Law in hot pursuit of me. (Where’s Moe of the Three Stooges when you need him?)

    Metal heads the world over understand how I feel, at least the more intelligent ones do who have lifted themselves out of the grunting Neanderthal caveman, being proud in their alienation but not arrogant, always on the outside looking in, carrying themselves thoughtfully and with dignity in the same way I carry this precious stone embedded in my forehead. I hop away leaving a puddle of piss behind for the Law Officers.

    Flies are popcorn to me when I’m watchin’ a movie. It bugs people, but they don’t understand: bugs are food to me. United Mutation. The last track – true story (tongue rolled up in cheek) – “Lice and Flies…” on their excellent & demented Fugitive Family EP from 1983 is based on my life. I heard Greenville, Kentucky Police Chief Arthur Smathers is after me with a posse. I laugh at that belly-crawler, how he twists and grinds and comes up empty. I heard Gomer Pyle and Andy Griffith are with him, as well as Boss Hogg and Sherriff Rosco P. Coltrane from the Dukes of Hazzard, and Ponch and John from Chips. Daisy Duke couldn’t get away soon enough from all those knuckleheads. She’s likes my dark allure, but she’s still working on enjoying my french kiss. She climbed onto my back, first strapping a saddle to me, and we hopped off into the sunset together. She loves me, warts and all.

    *This has been a satirical bomb dropped for fun, also to show the kids how it’s done, and dedicated to Keith Spillett because he’s awesome.

  17. #19 by BERSERKER on September 7, 2014 - 7:59 AM

    Y’all are so full of shit. Heavy Metal is the ultimate infadels to these religious freaks. On our lyrics they comunicate? We are not the ones rioting, looting, and destroying this counrty. You might want to take a look at the terrorists that dumbasses like who wrote this article put in the Whitehouse. Us metal heads and rednecks will be this country’s last stand when we do finally fall apart.

  18. #20 by Aythadis on September 7, 2014 - 11:03 AM

    Hating people and groups of people because they like something that you don’t. You know there is a word to describe people like that… It’s called “Cunt”.
    That’s the lesson everyone, don’t be a cunt. Respect everyone 🙂

  19. #21 by johndockus on September 7, 2014 - 6:08 PM

    This is why it’s called satire, folks. I’z gots on my tap-dance shoes and top hat with cane, as the gunshots at my feet make me dance and sing, “Mammy!”

  20. #22 by johndockus on September 7, 2014 - 6:51 PM

    I admit it, I’m a cunt, and I’m insatiable. The Purple People Eater has nothing on me. I could gobble up everything in my path, but I like to pace myself, and presently I have dreadlocks surrounding my pudendum. I could use a trim. I keep a stash of nuts and berries in my pubic curls to feed the squirrels and birds. No one ever said I wasn’t a lover of nature. There might never have been a Cold War if men weren’t so scared of me and so goddamn preoccupied with fetishizing their own cocks in all their weaponry. I never quite understood why mortals have applied as an insult to each other certain names referring to me, seeing that each of them has been born into the world through me. Gustave Courbet devoted a painting to me and entitled it “The Origin of the World.”

  21. #23 by zenaphobe67 on September 9, 2015 - 8:29 PM

    Thank God for telling the truth Mr. Tyranny!

    Due to your diligence, I have seen the light of the evil of the metals music and have turned myself in.

    The Departments of Homeland Securities were very friendly when I went to surrender my Exodus cassette collection. They gave me a voucher for a top 40 certified AR-14 and helped me find sleeves for all the sleeveless Tee shirts in my closets.

    I feel like an news man now that I no longer crave the metal musics and my aspartame addiction is under control! My Obamacare sonogram confirms that my pancreas has increased three sizes and the doctor believes they can now operate on my ruptured baphomet.

    Thank the gods for your web page of knowledges and wisdom.

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