Posts Tagged Exodus

Metalhead Facebook Terrorists Across America Encouraged To Surrender To Police

The New Face of Terror

The New Face of Terror

America is in crisis. Race riots, wars raging around the world threatening our ability to buy gas for under four dollars a gallon, the tragic deaths of talented comedians…it seems to many as if this great republic is on the brink of collapse. And yet, the greatest threat to our great nation has up, until last week, gone completely unnoticed.

 

A wave of shocking, horrifying, demented, godless, communistic, bovine, twisted, fascist, macabre, demonic, ghastly, alarming, borderline anti-social heavy metal rock and roll lyrics have been posted throughout what the media is calling “the Internet”. These lyrics are passed secretly from terrorist to terrorist through socialist media websites Facebook, Twitter and Friendster.

 

Last week, James Evans, a 31-year-old potential terrorist, was arrested for posting lyrics to the Exodus song “Class Dismissed (A Hate Primer)”. Beyond simply posting the lyrics, Evans was accused of conspiring to possibly attempt to post more metal lyrics at a later date. Exodus’ new album “Music We Wrote To Inspire People To Kill Children and Babies” is expected to hit stores in October.

 

The lyrics, which may be responsible for the deaths of hundreds of people who have yet to die and might actually not be in danger, are only the tip of the iceberg of this titanic problem. Apparently, from coast to coast, children as young as three are posting metal lyrics using words like “murder”, “violence”, “cannibalism”, and “buttering”.

Exodus_Exhibit

 

According to the man who had Evans arrested, Greenville, Kentucky Police Chief Arthur Smathers, heavy metal is a “gateway drug to the death of the American way of life.”

 

Not only does Smathers believe that heavy metal lyrics on the Internet can lead to mass murder and acts of unspeakable cruelty, he believes it can even go so far as to lead America’s youth into the clutches of living an alternative lifestyle.

 

“Forget about all the violence and bloodshed and death for a second. Are you aware that many male heavy metal fans are, in fact, Homo sapiens? Also, many innocent young women who have been exposed heavy metal have had their lives ruined. Why…I know of several young women who have listened to one Exodus album and immediately moved to wicked places like Greenwich Village in order to become thespians.”

 

The Department of Homeland Security, the FBI, and state, federal and local police departments have encouraged all Metalhead Facebook Terrorists to turn themselves in at once and have offered limited edition 180 gram vinyl copies of Metallica’s “Ride The Lightning” to the first 10,000 arrested.

 

In preparation for the mass arrest and quarantine of these miscreants, the United States seized Easter Island from whoever owns it and plans on turning it into a giant island sized “tolerance facility” in order to keep the public safe from potential terrorist acts of terror by these terrorists who use terror to strike terror into the hearts of Americans.

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I Tried To Book Tipper Gore To Speak At A Heavy Metal Music Festival

Every once in a while boredom strikes and I get a weird idea to liven up my day. Yesterday, I was sitting around watching Maiden, England for the 60,000th time and it occurred to me…Why don’t I try to book Tipper Gore to speak at a heavy metal festival???

It seemed like getting in touch with her would be a difficult task, but a quick internet search brought me to the Henry Welker Booking Agency. Apparently, this agency handles everyone from Dick Cheney to Shaquille O’Neal. They also are the contact people for one Mary Elizabeth “Tipper” Gore, the woman who single-handedly tried to destroy heavy metal in the 1980s.

After being shuffled from person-to-person and listening to 10 minutes of unbearable hold music (“Raindrops Keep Falling on My Head”….Twice), I finally got ahold of this smarmy ghoul named Howard Robinson (who told me I could call him “Howie”)

Tipper Gore pointing finger

Me: The promotional company I work for is putting together a special event and we’d like to book Tipper Gore to speak at it.

Howie: Sure. Sure. Well, I need to tell you that the former first lady (there was a pause where I was expected to chuckle at this)…I mean, of course, Ms. Gore usually books her speaking engagements about 3 months ahead.

Me: Perfect. I’m looking to book her towards the end of December.

Howie: And, just so you’re aware, we handle top-flight talent. Ms. Gore gets a minimum of $25,000 per speech along with travel and other expenses. Depending on what you are looking for the cost might run as high as $150,000.

Me: No problem at all. I have a sponsor who is quite willing to put the money up for a good cause like this.

Howie: Great! Well, let’s get started. What sort of an event are you looking to book Ms. Gore for?

Me: Alright. You are going to think this is kind of strange because of her anti-heavy metal stance back in the 1980s, but I’m looking to book her at a metal festival in Clearwater, Florida. The festival is called Values Fest 2014.

Now, I know what you’re thinking, but this isn’t your garden-variety festival. It’s one that will feature positive heavy metal bands who are using music as a platform to educate our young people about important issues like homelessness and global warming.

Howie: Uhm.. Okay…You have to understand, this is a pretty unusual request. I really have to run this by Tipper. What would you need her to do?

Me: Well, she would be speaking before a few of the headlining bands. Kind of like an emcee. She’d basically be talking about how music should be about promoting good things and not the awful, evil stuff that is out there now. I mean, things have gotten far worse since the 1980s as I’m sure you can imagine.

Howie: Sure…sure. You say you have a sponsor for this. I need to tell Ms. Gore who the sponsor is to make sure that her values are similar to the person paying the tab.

Me: He doesn’t really want me to use his name.

Howie: It’s pretty critical to the process.

Me: Okay, but this can’t go past you, myself and Tipper.

Howie: Absolutely!

Me: Donald Trump contacted me about a week ago. Apparently one of his grandkids is into a Satan worship cult thanks to listening to heavy metal and he wants to help the wipe the nation clean of the stuff. He’s putting up serious money for this but, does not, repeat, does not want his name linked to the project.

Howie: Well, she’s not a huge fan of Mr. Trump, but they are on the same page here. Because of the nature of this project we’d need about $200,000 to do this.

Me: Fine. No problem. Honestly, Trump is pretty into this idea. You could pretty much name your price.

Howie: Okay! I also need to communicate with her the names and a little bit about the bands she’d be introducing.

Me: Okay, well, it is a three-day festival. On Friday night, she’d be introducing a band called As I Lay Dying. The band name sounds pretty crazy, but I can assure you they are Christian and talk a lot about family. The name is actually a reference to a William Faulker novel about overcoming the pain of loss. They are also very interested in renewable energy.

tim-lambesis-asilaydying

Howie: Okay. I’m not sure she’ll go for that, but I certainly can ask.

Me: Stryper will also be playing that night. They were so inspired by Ms. Gore in the 1980s they started playing value-friendly metal, as we like to call it.

Howie: I’m sure she knows them and would be glad to do that.

Me: On Saturday, she’d be introducing a band known as Exodus. They’re lyrics are based on The Book of Exodus and they talk about living a Christ-centered life as well as how to deal with mental health issues like depression and pica.  Their big song is called Toxic Waltz.  It’s about individuals standing up to large corporations that spray toxins into our air.

Also, she’d be introducing a band known as Testament. Again, very spiritual. They do a lot with history, particularly the plight of disenfranchised groups like Native Americans. I could send you this song called “Trail of Tears” that I’m sure would deeply move Ms. Gore.

Testament - Return To The Apocalyptic City (1993)

Howie: Sounds reasonable. Go ahead and send me the song. Who would she be introducing on Sunday?

Me: I’ll prepare you up front, the next one is going to sound strange, but there is a band known as Rotting Christ…

Howie: Okay…wait..

Me: It’s not what you think. It’s meant to be ironic. They are talking about how people’s faith has rotted away over time and they no longer value the positive parts of the world we live in. They dedicated a whole album to denouncing the treatment of women in Afghanistan. Another of their records deals with the importance of recycling.

Howie: I really don’t know if she’ll go for that. I mean…that’s a little…well…I don’t know…

Me: Okay, let me see what I can do about that. There would be a band that plays traditional Irish music called Celtic Frost that day. Nothing controversial there.  She’ll really enjoy them.  

The headliner would be a band called Burzum. The name is Norwegian for “kindness”. Very positive band. Great message. Varg Vikernes, the fellow who writes all the music, is interested in promoting diversity and tolerance.

kristian-e2809cvarge2809d-vikernes

Howie: Well, this is a pretty intriguing proposal. Of course, I’ll have to get the specific dates, run it by her and get back to you.

Me: Great! I’m really thrilled. She’s always been a hero of mine. Thanks for your time, Howie. Have a blessed afternoon. 

Howie:  Take care.

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In Defense of Rob Dukes

415px-Rob_Dukes,_Exodus_3

I believe it was Henry Kissinger who once said, “There is no soup like the milk of human longing.”  Or was it Lacan.  I’m not sure.  Irregardless of redundant words that don’t actually exist or simply restate words that could be a heck of a lot shorter, Kissinger meant what he said.  If he did say it.  Which he didn’t.

I’m reminded of a time before radar.  A time where planes needed to fly below nothing to be hidden.  They simply didn’t exist.  A time where whales walked the earth and the band Earth performed in Wales.  Or neither.

You wanted him to be Souza.  You pretended as only the pretentious can.  But he was not and you cried.  Tears of horror.  You lifted your copy of Fabulous Disasters towards the sky and you shook it.  You demanded God reformulate Himself in your image for once so that He could understand the grave misfortune He had bestowed upon the world.  You swore allegiance if He only would bring back the mighty Zetro.

First, there was denial.  Then, anger.  Then, bargaining.  You listened to their cover of Elvis Costello’s “Pump It Up” and started telling random strangers, Jehovah’s Witnesses, anyone who would listen how it was an unappreciated classic.  You walked into a supermarket wearing an outfit made out of Australian Herring.  You began gargling diet soda and spitting it on children.  You bought a ’76 Dodge Dart and painted the lyrics from Manowar’s “Bridge of Death” all over the doors.  You joined People For The Ethical Treatment of Animals.  You sent poems and toenail clippings to all the living members of the Bar-Kays.

You began attending lectures at Emory University about the history of the sciatic nerve.  You moved to Norway.  You became a vegan.  You began accusing high-ranking government officials of being Freemasons.  You disavowed the use of salt.  You fell in love.  You became convinced that people were out to get you.

You stopped reading this article.  You began biting your cousin’s arm hair.  You went to your window, opened it and began shouting all the lyrics from the first five Venom albums.  You joined the Peace Corps.  You learned to play bass.  You became convinced that you had killed John F Kennedy in spite of the fact that you were born 12 years after the assassination took place.  You started being mistaken in public for Marilu Henner.  You tried a new type of shampoo.  You spent 37 dollars and 29 cents on a used copy of an Atrophy album only to find that it had decayed.  You ate all of the rolls.  I know you did.  I saw you.  Don’t lie.  You did.  And now you are not admitting it.  You are a dishonest person.

As Rick Pitino once said, “Paul Baloff isn’t walking through that door.”  Or was it Hegel.  I’m not sure.  I think we can all agree on one thing, violent video games are the cause of nearly all of our current problems.  That, and misogynistic, violent metal lyrics.  And cell phone towers.  And terrorism.  And disco goregrind.

But, if I know one thing, it is this, Rob Dukes is a talented man who has brought stability and a brutal new sound to Exodus.  Or maybe he didn’t.  I dunno.  But, if I know one thing, it is this, Rob Dukes is emblematic of how heavy metal fans have become ill-equipped to handle even the most minor of changes without turning into a bunch of fundamentalist whiners with the undying need to prove that they were “there” first, even if they don’t really care where “there” is.  Or maybe not.  I dunno.  All I know is this, if it weren’t for Exodus, the children of Israel would never have left slavery through the strength of Yahweh.   And that, at the end of the day, is all that is important.

 

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