Archive for October, 2013
Posted by birthad1 in General Weirdness, Really Brilliant Things You Should Read But Probably Won't Because You Are A Pantera Fan on October 25, 2013
Jeff AD is currently researching the connection between Pantera listening and spinal meningitis at University of West Virginia. His book, Pantera, Whiskey and The New South, is scheduled to be released in October. He is currently a contributing writer at Tyranny of Tradition. He has a pancreas.
Actor comedian Jerry Dillon, best known for his long-running character Phil Anselmo, tells The Tyranny of Tradition that he is retiring his hard-rocking alter ego at the end of November. The decision coincides with the Housecore Horror Film Festival, ostensibly hosted by Anselmo, that will be held this weekend in Austin, Texas.
“It was a tough decision,” stated Dillon of his beloved character, “but after 27 years of portraying Phil, I feel like it had run its course. It’s still funny, and people enjoy it, but I feel like I’m starting to repeat myself.”
The versatile performer has portrayed several other characters on shows like Saturday Night Live and Chappelle’s Show, but it was the Anselmo persona that took Dillon to fame and fortune, albeit one that blurred the line between identities.
“Part of what made Phil a challenge is that I’d sometimes lose myself in there,” said the actor, “and I’d start to really think I was a brain-damaged redneck metal singer. And I always had to be ‘on’, whether it meant saying something totally stupid or doing an absurd live performance with one of the bands I created for Phil.”
The most popular “band” was Pantera, a heavy metal parody act co-created by David Wallace, who also portrayed guitarist Dimebag Darrel and participated in many skits and performances with Dillon. The two started collaborating in 1986 and proved to be a formidable comedy duo until they parted ways in 2003, which was punctuated by a staged break-up and feud. Neither actor broke character or discussed the genuine reasons for the split, though Dillon admits he was somewhat bothered by the way Wallace retired his character.
“That was pretty over the top,” he laughed. “Killing off the character on stage seemed kind of tacky at the time, because it upset a lot of our fans. Dave knew what he was doing, though. These days, the Dimebag character is more popular than ever.”
Indeed, merchandise for Pantera, Dimebag Darrel, and Phil Anselmo continues to rake in sales, and Dillon is satisfied with his legacy. But apparently the Emmy-winning actor is ready to move on.
“I’m looking forward to writing new material, acting with different people, and maybe coming up with some new alter ego to inhabit. I’ll always love being Phil, though. It was a blast to play him.”
Actor Jeffrey Wielandt, who often appears with Dillon and portrays the popular Zakk Wylde character, could not be reached for comment.
In our quest to find the greatest and most bizarre up and coming writing talent in the world, Tyranny of Tradition today presents guest columnist Chaitanya Devarakonda from Mumbai, India. He has spent the better part of the last 50 years analyzing the cultural and spiritual impact of black metal on our ecosystem. His first book, How Black Metal Caused The Stock Market Crash of 1929, will be available in the Spring.
A debate has been raging among black metal fans over the past six centuries as to whether an album’s production should be glossy and easy to listen to or raw and fierce. Those who prefer banshee-like screeching, inaudibly distorted guitar and drumming that overpowers anything that would remotely resemble melody seem to win this debate almost every time. The logic is so flawed it’s impossible to comprehend let alone beat it so you just go with it. Based on this incredibly ridiculous premise, I believe that I have discovered a diamond-in-the-rough, an album so difficult to listen to that even black metal pvrists will love it. The Holy Grail of Black Metal. Twelve hours of nothing but pure, uninterrupted white noise.
If you are an aficionado in search for the most meaningfully trve and kvlt black metal in existence this is your answer. The eccentrically obscure bliss that sustains into the chaos of thought and logic in it’s truest form by the very disturbing of sub atomic particles that have adverse effects on conducting and transmitting materials which is sublimely and quite literally inhumanly beautiful. Or something.
The first ten minutes are the most challenging. You have discovered something that may be the truth, but you are still not yet not capable of comprehending the depths of the abyss you are staring into. Stay there. The pain will pass. It’s as if you are being lectured by The Dark Lord Satan himself about how to become a better and more pious person. At some point, you simply just need to smile and nod.
Around three hours into it you begin to conceptualize what is going on and are thrown into despair observing the filth of humanity and the sad excuse of an existence people lead. It’s like winning an all-expense paid trip to Detroit. If you peel back the multiple layers of this tomato, you begin to unfold the core concepts of black metal. Two hours later you mind begins to wrestle with the true meaning of religion, the flocking of humans like a herd of sheep for slaughter and the general ridiculousness of everyday actions. You are filled with an indescribable remorse. Your angst numbs you.
A total of 7 hours into this now you have lost all connection with reality. You float, at peace with yourself on a cloud of white noise. It’s around this time that the voices in your head begin to compete for attention with the noise. Imagine the intricacy of an art form where your own thoughts are transmogrified by the sheer dissonance of the sound. Genius is the one and only word for the person who decided to capture this on tape.
Ten hours into it you have lost your senses and sit and drool. The next two hours seem almost effortless. You have attained black metal enlightenment.
Even after the noise ends, there is a six hour lag before you begin to move parts of your body. You feel like you have placed your head through a cheese grater. You are left with an ominous, Jack Nicholson at the end of The Shining-type stare and no connection with the vast pageant of absurdity that is modern life.
I am unable to rate this album in a way that can be translated into any language or system spoken or understood by human beings.
The Devil Wears Prada have spent the past eight years on the cutting edge of the metalcore fashion scene. From skinny jeans to studded belts to those hoodies with random expressions on them that you can find at your local Target for 12 bucks (or at Urban Outfitters for 60), the band has come to define the look of a generation. Now, screamer Mike Hranica plans on taking fashion to a new level. After 12 hours of intense cranial and facial plastic surgery, Hranica is now Tibetan.
Performers in mediocre bands often try to take on a new look in order to distract the audience from the tedious, puerile nature of their music, but this, even by the standards of rock’n’roll theatre, is a bold and audacious step. “We, at The Devil Wears Prada, have always prided ourselves in setting the trends that hundreds of thousands of lemming like teenagers proudly follow in order to conform to the rigorous standards of individuality set by cultural leaders like myself. I believe in 2 years, most teens will be bugging their parents to spend thousands of dollars to get the surgery and be part of the new Tibetan-core scene. We are doing something important here,” said Hranica in an interview with Rolling Stone.
Many industry insiders are praising Hranica for not only creating a new look, but also doing something in order to help the people of Tibet overcome their enslavement to the tyrannical Chinese government. According to music critic Arthur Banal from Spin Magazine, “many musicians have made a career out of co-opting the experiences of oppressed people simply in order to appear “hip”. I applaud Mike on his willingness to take on the look of the Tibetans not only to sell records, but also to call attention to an important cause. Music should be about more than simply allowing people to mindlessly consume images in order to forget about the reality of their own impending death; it should be about freedom, liberty, justice for all and having a great time.”
While Hranica’s “liberation-core look” has drawn nearly universal acclaim, having a nose implanted upside down on his forehead has confused and angered many parents’ groups. Michelle Worthington, President and co-founder of Parents for Obedience, Morality and Corporeal Conformity, issued a statement yesterday that condemned the nasal malfeasance of Hranica. The group, known for shutting down ear gauging clinics through the use of violence, intimidation and large campaign contributions to local politicians, are planning to use all of their resources to make sure that young people do not begin rearranging their faces in a wild display of proboscular anarchy.
During an interview with Fox News anchor Neil Cavuto, Worthington blasted the new fashion trend, “It’s one thing to use the suffering of an entire group of a people as a ploy to sell records. I mean, we’re not communists. However, taking something as sacred and critical to the survival of American youth as the nose and moving it to the forehead is simply a gateway drug for further pushing America down Obama’s slippery slope of moral and cultural decay.”