Archive for October, 2013

Breaking News: Phil Anselmo Bans Spikes, Bullet Belts From City of Austin

Phil Anselmo Hello Kitty

Citing last-minute “security concerns”, former Razor White frontman Phil Anselmo declared a ban on all spikes and bullet belts within the Austin city limits for the duration of the Housecore Horror Film Festival, which is has been in full-swing since Thursday, October 24.

“Anyone coming into town with any bullet belts, spikes, or studs will need to turn around and take them home,” said the singer, “you could leave them in San Antonio, or even San Marcos, but you can’t bring them here.”

Anselmo, best known for his performance on Pantera’s 1988 LP, Power Metal, then expanded his statement, saying, “In fact, I don’t think I want to see any wallet chains, combat boots, black clothing, or threatening-looking tattoos or piercings either. So if that’s your trip, you aren’t welcome here. That’s not what the Housecore Horror Fest is about.”

Whether or not this will put a damper on attendance at the festival remains to be seen. Stay tuned right here for up to the minute coverage of this breaking story.

EDIT: New reports from participating downtown venues confirm that all ticket holders will be allowed entry, provided they change into pink and white Hello Kitty t-shirts provided by festival promoters.

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Comedian Jerry Dillon Retires “Phil Anselmo” Character

Phil Anselmo

Jeff AD is currently researching the connection between Pantera listening and spinal meningitis at University of West Virginia.  His book, Pantera, Whiskey and The New South, is scheduled to be released in October.  He is currently a contributing writer at Tyranny of Tradition.  He has a pancreas.

Actor comedian Jerry Dillon, best known for his long-running character Phil Anselmo, tells The Tyranny of Tradition that he is retiring his hard-rocking alter ego at the end of November. The decision coincides with the Housecore Horror Film Festival, ostensibly hosted by Anselmo, that will be held this weekend in Austin, Texas.

“It was a tough decision,” stated Dillon of his beloved character, “but after 27 years of portraying Phil, I feel like it had run its course. It’s still funny, and people enjoy it, but I feel like I’m starting to repeat myself.”

The versatile performer has portrayed several other characters on shows like Saturday Night Live and Chappelle’s Show, but it was the Anselmo persona that took Dillon to fame and fortune, albeit one that blurred the line between identities.

“Part of what made Phil a challenge is that I’d sometimes lose myself in there,” said the actor, “and I’d start to really think I was a brain-damaged redneck metal singer. And I always had to be ‘on’, whether it meant saying something totally stupid or doing an absurd live performance with one of the bands I created for Phil.”

The most popular “band” was Pantera, a heavy metal parody act co-created by David Wallace, who also portrayed guitarist Dimebag Darrel and participated in many skits and performances with Dillon. The two started collaborating in 1986 and proved to be a formidable comedy duo until they parted ways in 2003, which was punctuated by a staged break-up and feud. Neither actor broke character or discussed the genuine reasons for the split, though Dillon admits he was somewhat bothered by the way Wallace retired his character.

“That was pretty over the top,” he laughed. “Killing off the character on stage seemed kind of tacky at the time, because it upset a lot of our fans. Dave knew what he was doing, though. These days, the Dimebag character is more popular than ever.”

Indeed, merchandise for Pantera, Dimebag Darrel, and Phil Anselmo continues to rake in sales, and Dillon is satisfied with his legacy. But apparently the Emmy-winning actor is ready to move on.

“I’m looking forward to writing new material, acting with different people, and maybe coming up with some new alter ego to inhabit. I’ll always love being Phil, though. It was a blast to play him.”

Actor Jeffrey Wielandt, who often appears with Dillon and portrays the popular Zakk Wylde character, could not be reached for comment.

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How the Commodity Relation Infects Our Language

Baby Money

An absolutely fantastic article taken from a fantastic new website called The Classless Classroom. 

Every time you tell a child, “Good job!” you are reinforcing the capitalist commodity relation as the fundamental relation in our society.  Our language polices us — we do not express ourselves freely.  Here are further examples:

  • We buy ourselves time, we save time, we invest our time wisely — meaning productively — and we spend our time, and must account for it.  After a long and taxing day slaving away on our work, we’re spentTime is money, and that’s how we treat it.
  • We are accountable.  We own our mistakes, and own up to our faults.  To overcome them, we must capitalize on our strengths.
  • We ask to be given some credit when not believed, and are discredited when proved wrong.  We prove we have been to school when we earn credit.
  • We want to be trusted.  We must earn trust. We earn a reputation, good or bad.
  • When unconvinced, we’re just not buying it.  We need to be sold on a new idea.
  • We can have a lot of class, or be classy.  It’s better than being low class.  No woman wants to look cheap, though we may sometimes like cheap thrills or a cheap laugh at someone else’s expense.  What we’d really like is a rich experience, a rich dessert, writing that is rich in detail.
  • We can pay attention, or lose interest.  We can change our minds.  Barely hanging in there?  We’ll manage.  Let’s act professional about it.  Deal with it.
  • We wage war.  Sin has wages, which are death.  But when you’re great, you’re money.  Others are in your debt.  They owe you, big-time.
  • Slaughter is wholesale — why pay retail?  Don’t get short-changed.  We can put paid to that idea.
  • We take stock of a situation, and stock up on supplies.
  • Pregnancy begins with oviproduction and ends in labor.  When relationships end, we’re back on the market.
  • You did a poor jobpoor you.  You did very poor work on your assignment.  But it will all work out, especially if you go to the gym like you’re supposed to and have a good work out.
  • Anything missing from this list?  It’s not a deal-breaker.  We may need to coin a phrase for it.
  • What if money really were no object?

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Twelve Hours Of Static White Noise Or The Greatest Black Metal Record In History?

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In our quest to find the greatest and most bizarre up and coming writing talent in the world, Tyranny of Tradition today presents guest columnist Chaitanya Devarakonda from Mumbai, India.  He has spent the better part of the last 50 years analyzing the cultural and spiritual impact of black metal on our ecosystem.  His first book, How Black Metal Caused The Stock Market Crash of 1929, will be available in the Spring. 

A debate has been raging among black metal fans over the past six centuries as to whether an album’s production should be glossy and easy to listen to or raw and fierce. Those who prefer banshee-like screeching, inaudibly distorted guitar and drumming that overpowers anything that would remotely resemble melody seem to win this debate almost every time. The logic is so flawed it’s impossible to comprehend let alone beat it so you just go with it. Based on this incredibly ridiculous premise, I believe that I have discovered a diamond-in-the-rough, an album so difficult to listen to that even black metal pvrists will love it. The Holy Grail of Black Metal. Twelve hours of nothing but pure, uninterrupted white noise.

If you are an aficionado in search for the most meaningfully trve and kvlt black metal in existence this is your answer. The eccentrically obscure bliss that sustains into the chaos of thought and logic in it’s truest form by the very disturbing of sub atomic particles that have adverse effects on conducting and transmitting materials which is sublimely and quite literally inhumanly beautiful. Or something.

The first ten minutes are the most challenging. You have discovered something that may be the truth, but you are still not yet not capable of comprehending the depths of the abyss you are staring into. Stay there. The pain will pass. It’s as if you are being lectured by The Dark Lord Satan himself about how to become a better and more pious person. At some point, you simply just need to smile and nod.

Around three hours into it you begin to conceptualize what is going on and are thrown into despair observing the filth of humanity and the sad excuse of an existence people lead. It’s like winning an all-expense paid trip to Detroit. If you peel back the multiple layers of this tomato, you begin to unfold the core concepts of black metal. Two hours later you mind begins to wrestle with the true meaning of religion, the flocking of humans like a herd of sheep for slaughter and the general ridiculousness of everyday actions. You are filled with an indescribable remorse. Your angst numbs you.

A total of 7 hours into this now you have lost all connection with reality. You float, at peace with yourself on a cloud of white noise. It’s around this time that the voices in your head begin to compete for attention with the noise. Imagine the intricacy of an art form where your own thoughts are transmogrified by the sheer dissonance of the sound. Genius is the one and only word for the person who decided to capture this on tape.

Ten hours into it you have lost your senses and sit and drool. The next two hours seem almost effortless. You have attained black metal enlightenment.

Even after the noise ends, there is a six hour lag before you begin to move parts of your body. You feel like you have placed your head through a cheese grater. You are left with an ominous, Jack Nicholson at the end of The Shining-type stare and no connection with the vast pageant of absurdity that is modern life.

I am unable to rate this album in a way that can be translated into any language or system spoken or understood by human beings.

Rating: 0/0

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“Help!!! Pantera is Making My Son Dumber!”

Pantera

Often at Tyranny of Tradition, we receive strange emails from people. From being asked which metal band performs the best on stage animal sacrifice to getting lectured on how we are not a true metal website because we have done an article about The Devil Wears Prada, we thought we had seen everything.  However, this is, by far, the best one that has ever graced our inbox. 

Dear Mr. Spillett,

I write to you today to seek your help with a problem relating to my youngest son, Todd.  I found a few articles from your website “The Tyranny of Tradition” while making a routine search of his computer and noticed that you are both a heavy metal fan and a parent.  This may seem like a strange request, but I’m concerned about Todd thought you might be in the position to give us some assistance.

Up until 6 months ago, Todd was a truly talented, wonderful young man.  He had a 4.0 grade point average and was in line for a lacrosse scholarship.  He was an esteemed 11th grader at the illustrious Chatsworth Academy, the finest, most competitive prep school in Northeast.  He was on his way to an Ivy League school and perhaps a successful career with a Park Avenue Law Firm or as the manager of a multi-million dollar hedge fund on Wall Street.

He was being invited to the best parties and making friends with some of the future leaders of this great nation.  There were even some hints that he might be accepted to Pi Epsilon Kappa, a secret society for the most elite members of the Chatsworth community.  Then, one horrible day, he picked up an album called “Vulgar Display of Power” by a band referred to as “Pantera”.

At first, Todd Sr. and I didn’t think it was that big a deal.  After all, both of us have gone through our rebellious phases.  Many of my closest friends don’t know this about me, but I went to a Bee Gees concert back in the 70s.  In spite of this, I’ve gone on to be the President of our Neighborhood Association in one of the most exclusive gated communities in Connecticut.  We just figured he would outgrow this dark and vile music quickly and get back to being the great American we all believe he can be.

Well, we were wrong.  Lately, he’s gotten rid of his collared shirts and neatly pressed khakis and been wearing these “Pantera” shirts and jeans out in public.  One of the shirts has a picture of a man being punched in the face, another has a picture of a drill going into a human head and one, which I have since thrown in the trash, had an unmentionable profanity in front of the word Hostile.

He’s been hanging out with a new crowd.  Many of them are loud, unshaven and look like they haven’t taken a shower in quite a long time.  Several of them look like they just robbed a 7-11. He seems less interested in his studies and even refused to go sailing with Todd Sr. in Kennebunkport last Saturday.

Honestly, we have no idea what to do.  If this continues, his earning potential will decrease dramatically.  He could end up one of those bums on skid row, in jail or even on his way to the electric chair.  He’s talked about getting a tattoo that says “RIP Dime” on his back….God knows what that is a code for!!!!  We think it might be part of an initiation to some heavy metal, biker gang or possibly part of a ritual from some satanic cult.

As his parent, we are worried that all of this “Pantera” music is simply making him dumber.  We have considered locking him in his room on weekends, forcing him to have electro-shock therapy and taking away his music listening privileges until he stops acting like an animal.  Todd Sr. even suggested hiring a group of barroom hooligans to slap some sense into him.

From some pictures we found of you online, you appear to be one of the cleaner and less dangerous of the metal thugs.  You are able to write in complete sentences and you don’t have rings in your face.  Because of the fact that you have children, we thought you might be able to identify with the concern we feel about Todd’s future.

We would love it if you wrote a letter or even talked to Todd (by phone) telling him about how listening to Pantera has destroyed your life and turned you into a degenerate.  If we tell him about the dangers of this sort of behavior, he’ll simply ignore us.  If one of you people tells him about how this perverted music has ruined your soul and chances for a happy, successful life, we think he might listen.  We’ll be glad to pay you for your time.

Thanks,

Trudy Carrington-Smythe

President

Worthington Estates Neighborhood Association

New Canaan, Connecticut

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Lil Wayne Opens Up About His Relationship With His Father, Late Metal Church Vocalist David Wayne

Lil Wayne

Much of Lil Wayne’s life is an open book.  From his early work with The Hot Boyz, to his stunning rise to prominence as the self-proclaimed “Best Rapper Alive”, to his year long incarceration in Rikers Island Prison, to his much publicized feud with famed singing legend Wayne Newton, the public has followed each aspect of Lil Wayne’s soap operatic life with keen interest.  However, one area of his life that he has kept hidden from the public is his relationship with his father, former Metal Church and Reverend vocalist David Wayne.

Lil Wayne rarely talks about his most intimate relationships publically, but in a revealing interview to be published in next month’s issue of Rolling Stone, the top selling rapper in music history talks on the record for the first time about being the son of one of the greatest metal vocalists of all time.  “Growing up on tour with Metal Church got me ready to become the man I am today.  I owe much of my success to having watched my father perform in some of the greatest venues in the world, from Columbus, Ohio to Moose Jaw, Saskatchewan.”

Lil Wayne even claims that David Wayne inspired his legendary series of albums “Tha Carter 1-4”.  When Lil Wayne was a young boy, David introduced him to his all-time favorite movie “New Jack City”.  He was known to quote Nino Brown, the reputed crime boss played by Wesley Snipes, on a regular basis.  Before he would go out on stage each night, David would look at Lil and repeat the famous line “We’re taking over The Carter” before exploding onto the stage.

Metal+Church+David+Wayne+2005

After David’s horrible, untimely death in 2005, Lil Wayne went into a severe depression.  During that time, his father’s close friend and former Reverend bassist Birdman stepped in as Lil Wayne’s mentor and “spiritual father”.  In 2008, Lil Wayne recorded “Like Father, Like Son” as a tribute to the two men who had been most instrumental in his life.  On the album, Birdman raps and makes his trademark birdcalls.  Many of the songs also feature prominent samples of Metal Church classics like “Beyond The Black”, “Ton of Bricks” and “Watch The Children Pray”.  While the album is one of Lil Wayne’s lesser-known releases, he considers it his most personal.

Lil Wayne has sold out the largest arenas in the world, dated some of the most beautiful women on earth, appeared in movies and made millions of dollars.  However, his favorite memories revolve around some of the special moments he spent with his father.  “I’ll never forget when I was a small child and would wake up with nightmares.  He would hold me in his arms and rock me to sleep singing a soft lullaby version of “Battalions”.  It’s times like that you never forget.”

The closeness between a father and son is often an important factor in the growth and development of a young person.  Its presence can inspire a wellspring of confidence that a person can fall back on their entire lives while its absence can be an obstacle that a person spends their life trying to overcome.  The impact of Lil Wayne’s relationship with his father has carried him to great heights, a fact that he testifies to in the liner notes of his groundbreaking album “Tha Carter II” where he dedicates the album to David with the simple inscription “To My Father DW:  It Was Youuuuuu…Whoa…Whoa…Ohhhhhh!”

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Former Iron Maiden Singer Paul Di’Anno KOed in Seventh Round by Boxing Kangaroo

Paul_Di'Anno

Last night, Caesar’s Palace was the scene of one of the most anticipated boxing matches in recent memory as Humsy, a boxing kangaroo from Perth, Australia, knocked out former Iron Maiden vocalist Paul Di’Anno with a stunning display of speed and power.  Di’Anno had recorded a 17-1 record over the last five years, with his only loss coming in a controversial twelve round decision last October against a bear.  A victory against Humsy would have given Di’Anno a shot to fight Momo the Giant Narwhal, the current reigning MBF heavyweight champion.

Humsy, a relative newcomer to the metal vocalists versus animals boxing scene, seemed unphased by the boisterous Las Vegas crowd.  He danced around the ring, reminding many reporters of a young Cassius Clay, repeatedly pounding Di’Anno with jabs to the face and chest.  Di’Anno landed several solid blows early, but was worn down by Humsy’s vicious bobbing and weaving as well as his years of drinking Koch’s Golden Anniversary, making bad albums and playing children’s birthday parties.

Humsy Prepares For His Fight With Di'Anno

Humsy Prepares For His Fight With Di’Anno

In the seventh round, Di’Anno lunged clumsily at Humsy with a right hook and was left wide open for a left-hand cross that knocked him to the mat for the fourth and final time.  The man who recorded two of the finest metal records in the history of the genre clutched at the ropes trying to pull himself up, but was never able to get to his feet.  As the ref counted Di’Anno out, Humsy was fed a cookie by his handler as and bounced around the ring to waves of wild cheering from the capacity crowd.

Humsy is already looking at a potential pay-per-view matchup against former, current Queensryche vocalist Geoff Tate in a match that some experts have dubbed “The Fight of the Century”.  Tate, who recently pummeled a seal into a coma during a September fight at SeaWorld, is the number one ranked contender for the heavyweight crown.  Humsy’s trainer Angelo Caprice, however, has indicated he’d be open to fighting lesser known vocalists like Metal Church singer Mike Howe, who has fallen on hard times recently and is so broke he can’t afford to pay attention.

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