Archive for October, 2013
How the Commodity Relation Infects Our Language
Posted by Keith Spillett in Really Brilliant Things You Should Read But Probably Won't Because You Are A Pantera Fan on October 24, 2013
An absolutely fantastic article taken from a fantastic new website called The Classless Classroom.
Every time you tell a child, “Good job!” you are reinforcing the capitalist commodity relation as the fundamental relation in our society. Our language polices us — we do not express ourselves freely. Here are further examples:
- We buy ourselves time, we save time, we invest our time wisely — meaning productively — and we spend our time, and must account for it. After a long and taxing day slaving away on our work, we’re spent. Time is money, and that’s how we treat it.
- We are accountable. We own our mistakes, and own up to our faults. To overcome them, we must capitalize on our strengths.
- We ask to be given some credit when not believed, and are discredited when proved wrong. We prove we have been to school when we earn credit.
- We want to be trusted. We must earn trust. We earn a reputation, good or bad.
- When unconvinced, we’re just not buying it. We need to be sold on a new idea.
- We can have a lot of class, or be classy. It’s better than being low class. No woman wants to look cheap, though we may sometimes like cheap thrills or a cheap laugh at someone else’s expense. What we’d really like is a rich experience, a rich dessert, writing that is rich in detail.
- We can pay attention, or lose interest. We can change our minds. Barely hanging in there? We’ll manage. Let’s act professional about it. Deal with it.
- We wage war. Sin has wages, which are death. But when you’re great, you’re money. Others are in your debt. They owe you, big-time.
- Slaughter is wholesale — why pay retail? Don’t get short-changed. We can put paid to that idea.
- We take stock of a situation, and stock up on supplies.
- Pregnancy begins with oviproduction and ends in labor. When relationships end, we’re back on the market.
- You did a poor job — poor you. You did very poor work on your assignment. But it will all work out, especially if you go to the gym like you’re supposed to and have a good work out.
- Anything missing from this list? It’s not a deal-breaker. We may need to coin a phrase for it.
- What if money really were no object?
“Help!!! Pantera is Making My Son Dumber!”
Posted by Keith Spillett in General Weirdness on October 16, 2013
Often at Tyranny of Tradition, we receive strange emails from people. From being asked which metal band performs the best on stage animal sacrifice to getting lectured on how we are not a true metal website because we have done an article about The Devil Wears Prada, we thought we had seen everything. However, this is, by far, the best one that has ever graced our inbox.
Dear Mr. Spillett,
I write to you today to seek your help with a problem relating to my youngest son, Todd. I found a few articles from your website “The Tyranny of Tradition” while making a routine search of his computer and noticed that you are both a heavy metal fan and a parent. This may seem like a strange request, but I’m concerned about Todd thought you might be in the position to give us some assistance.
Up until 6 months ago, Todd was a truly talented, wonderful young man. He had a 4.0 grade point average and was in line for a lacrosse scholarship. He was an esteemed 11th grader at the illustrious Chatsworth Academy, the finest, most competitive prep school in Northeast. He was on his way to an Ivy League school and perhaps a successful career with a Park Avenue Law Firm or as the manager of a multi-million dollar hedge fund on Wall Street.
He was being invited to the best parties and making friends with some of the future leaders of this great nation. There were even some hints that he might be accepted to Pi Epsilon Kappa, a secret society for the most elite members of the Chatsworth community. Then, one horrible day, he picked up an album called “Vulgar Display of Power” by a band referred to as “Pantera”.
At first, Todd Sr. and I didn’t think it was that big a deal. After all, both of us have gone through our rebellious phases. Many of my closest friends don’t know this about me, but I went to a Bee Gees concert back in the 70s. In spite of this, I’ve gone on to be the President of our Neighborhood Association in one of the most exclusive gated communities in Connecticut. We just figured he would outgrow this dark and vile music quickly and get back to being the great American we all believe he can be.
Well, we were wrong. Lately, he’s gotten rid of his collared shirts and neatly pressed khakis and been wearing these “Pantera” shirts and jeans out in public. One of the shirts has a picture of a man being punched in the face, another has a picture of a drill going into a human head and one, which I have since thrown in the trash, had an unmentionable profanity in front of the word Hostile.
He’s been hanging out with a new crowd. Many of them are loud, unshaven and look like they haven’t taken a shower in quite a long time. Several of them look like they just robbed a 7-11. He seems less interested in his studies and even refused to go sailing with Todd Sr. in Kennebunkport last Saturday.
Honestly, we have no idea what to do. If this continues, his earning potential will decrease dramatically. He could end up one of those bums on skid row, in jail or even on his way to the electric chair. He’s talked about getting a tattoo that says “RIP Dime” on his back….God knows what that is a code for!!!! We think it might be part of an initiation to some heavy metal, biker gang or possibly part of a ritual from some satanic cult.
As his parent, we are worried that all of this “Pantera” music is simply making him dumber. We have considered locking him in his room on weekends, forcing him to have electro-shock therapy and taking away his music listening privileges until he stops acting like an animal. Todd Sr. even suggested hiring a group of barroom hooligans to slap some sense into him.
From some pictures we found of you online, you appear to be one of the cleaner and less dangerous of the metal thugs. You are able to write in complete sentences and you don’t have rings in your face. Because of the fact that you have children, we thought you might be able to identify with the concern we feel about Todd’s future.
We would love it if you wrote a letter or even talked to Todd (by phone) telling him about how listening to Pantera has destroyed your life and turned you into a degenerate. If we tell him about the dangers of this sort of behavior, he’ll simply ignore us. If one of you people tells him about how this perverted music has ruined your soul and chances for a happy, successful life, we think he might listen. We’ll be glad to pay you for your time.
Thanks,
Trudy Carrington-Smythe
President
Worthington Estates Neighborhood Association
New Canaan, Connecticut
Lil Wayne Opens Up About His Relationship With His Father, Late Metal Church Vocalist David Wayne
Posted by Keith Spillett in General Weirdness on October 15, 2013
Much of Lil Wayne’s life is an open book. From his early work with The Hot Boyz, to his stunning rise to prominence as the self-proclaimed “Best Rapper Alive”, to his year long incarceration in Rikers Island Prison, to his much publicized feud with famed singing legend Wayne Newton, the public has followed each aspect of Lil Wayne’s soap operatic life with keen interest. However, one area of his life that he has kept hidden from the public is his relationship with his father, former Metal Church and Reverend vocalist David Wayne.
Lil Wayne rarely talks about his most intimate relationships publically, but in a revealing interview to be published in next month’s issue of Rolling Stone, the top selling rapper in music history talks on the record for the first time about being the son of one of the greatest metal vocalists of all time. “Growing up on tour with Metal Church got me ready to become the man I am today. I owe much of my success to having watched my father perform in some of the greatest venues in the world, from Columbus, Ohio to Moose Jaw, Saskatchewan.”
Lil Wayne even claims that David Wayne inspired his legendary series of albums “Tha Carter 1-4”. When Lil Wayne was a young boy, David introduced him to his all-time favorite movie “New Jack City”. He was known to quote Nino Brown, the reputed crime boss played by Wesley Snipes, on a regular basis. Before he would go out on stage each night, David would look at Lil and repeat the famous line “We’re taking over The Carter” before exploding onto the stage.
After David’s horrible, untimely death in 2005, Lil Wayne went into a severe depression. During that time, his father’s close friend and former Reverend bassist Birdman stepped in as Lil Wayne’s mentor and “spiritual father”. In 2008, Lil Wayne recorded “Like Father, Like Son” as a tribute to the two men who had been most instrumental in his life. On the album, Birdman raps and makes his trademark birdcalls. Many of the songs also feature prominent samples of Metal Church classics like “Beyond The Black”, “Ton of Bricks” and “Watch The Children Pray”. While the album is one of Lil Wayne’s lesser-known releases, he considers it his most personal.
Lil Wayne has sold out the largest arenas in the world, dated some of the most beautiful women on earth, appeared in movies and made millions of dollars. However, his favorite memories revolve around some of the special moments he spent with his father. “I’ll never forget when I was a small child and would wake up with nightmares. He would hold me in his arms and rock me to sleep singing a soft lullaby version of “Battalions”. It’s times like that you never forget.”
The closeness between a father and son is often an important factor in the growth and development of a young person. Its presence can inspire a wellspring of confidence that a person can fall back on their entire lives while its absence can be an obstacle that a person spends their life trying to overcome. The impact of Lil Wayne’s relationship with his father has carried him to great heights, a fact that he testifies to in the liner notes of his groundbreaking album “Tha Carter II” where he dedicates the album to David with the simple inscription “To My Father DW: It Was Youuuuuu…Whoa…Whoa…Ohhhhhh!”
Former Iron Maiden Singer Paul Di’Anno KOed in Seventh Round by Boxing Kangaroo
Posted by Keith Spillett in General Weirdness on October 11, 2013
Last night, Caesar’s Palace was the scene of one of the most anticipated boxing matches in recent memory as Humsy, a boxing kangaroo from Perth, Australia, knocked out former Iron Maiden vocalist Paul Di’Anno with a stunning display of speed and power. Di’Anno had recorded a 17-1 record over the last five years, with his only loss coming in a controversial twelve round decision last October against a bear. A victory against Humsy would have given Di’Anno a shot to fight Momo the Giant Narwhal, the current reigning MBF heavyweight champion.
Humsy, a relative newcomer to the metal vocalists versus animals boxing scene, seemed unphased by the boisterous Las Vegas crowd. He danced around the ring, reminding many reporters of a young Cassius Clay, repeatedly pounding Di’Anno with jabs to the face and chest. Di’Anno landed several solid blows early, but was worn down by Humsy’s vicious bobbing and weaving as well as his years of drinking Koch’s Golden Anniversary, making bad albums and playing children’s birthday parties.
Humsy Prepares For His Fight With Di’Anno
In the seventh round, Di’Anno lunged clumsily at Humsy with a right hook and was left wide open for a left-hand cross that knocked him to the mat for the fourth and final time. The man who recorded two of the finest metal records in the history of the genre clutched at the ropes trying to pull himself up, but was never able to get to his feet. As the ref counted Di’Anno out, Humsy was fed a cookie by his handler as and bounced around the ring to waves of wild cheering from the capacity crowd.
Humsy is already looking at a potential pay-per-view matchup against former, current Queensryche vocalist Geoff Tate in a match that some experts have dubbed “The Fight of the Century”. Tate, who recently pummeled a seal into a coma during a September fight at SeaWorld, is the number one ranked contender for the heavyweight crown. Humsy’s trainer Angelo Caprice, however, has indicated he’d be open to fighting lesser known vocalists like Metal Church singer Mike Howe, who has fallen on hard times recently and is so broke he can’t afford to pay attention.
Vocalist of The Devil Wears Prada Has Surgery to Become Tibetan; Gets Nose Implanted on Forehead
Posted by Keith Spillett in General Weirdness on October 3, 2013
Hranica After His Tibetanization, Extreme Rhinoplastification Surgery
The Devil Wears Prada have spent the past eight years on the cutting edge of the metalcore fashion scene. From skinny jeans to studded belts to those hoodies with random expressions on them that you can find at your local Target for 12 bucks (or at Urban Outfitters for 60), the band has come to define the look of a generation. Now, screamer Mike Hranica plans on taking fashion to a new level. After 12 hours of intense cranial and facial plastic surgery, Hranica is now Tibetan.
Performers in mediocre bands often try to take on a new look in order to distract the audience from the tedious, puerile nature of their music, but this, even by the standards of rock’n’roll theatre, is a bold and audacious step. “We, at The Devil Wears Prada, have always prided ourselves in setting the trends that hundreds of thousands of lemming like teenagers proudly follow in order to conform to the rigorous standards of individuality set by cultural leaders like myself. I believe in 2 years, most teens will be bugging their parents to spend thousands of dollars to get the surgery and be part of the new Tibetan-core scene. We are doing something important here,” said Hranica in an interview with Rolling Stone.
Many industry insiders are praising Hranica for not only creating a new look, but also doing something in order to help the people of Tibet overcome their enslavement to the tyrannical Chinese government. According to music critic Arthur Banal from Spin Magazine, “many musicians have made a career out of co-opting the experiences of oppressed people simply in order to appear “hip”. I applaud Mike on his willingness to take on the look of the Tibetans not only to sell records, but also to call attention to an important cause. Music should be about more than simply allowing people to mindlessly consume images in order to forget about the reality of their own impending death; it should be about freedom, liberty, justice for all and having a great time.”
While Hranica’s “liberation-core look” has drawn nearly universal acclaim, having a nose implanted upside down on his forehead has confused and angered many parents’ groups. Michelle Worthington, President and co-founder of Parents for Obedience, Morality and Corporeal Conformity, issued a statement yesterday that condemned the nasal malfeasance of Hranica. The group, known for shutting down ear gauging clinics through the use of violence, intimidation and large campaign contributions to local politicians, are planning to use all of their resources to make sure that young people do not begin rearranging their faces in a wild display of proboscular anarchy.
During an interview with Fox News anchor Neil Cavuto, Worthington blasted the new fashion trend, “It’s one thing to use the suffering of an entire group of a people as a ploy to sell records. I mean, we’re not communists. However, taking something as sacred and critical to the survival of American youth as the nose and moving it to the forehead is simply a gateway drug for further pushing America down Obama’s slippery slope of moral and cultural decay.”
The Tyranny of Tradition 