Posts Tagged Queensryche With Todd LaTorre

Former Iron Maiden Singer Paul Di’Anno KOed in Seventh Round by Boxing Kangaroo

Paul_Di'Anno

Last night, Caesar’s Palace was the scene of one of the most anticipated boxing matches in recent memory as Humsy, a boxing kangaroo from Perth, Australia, knocked out former Iron Maiden vocalist Paul Di’Anno with a stunning display of speed and power.  Di’Anno had recorded a 17-1 record over the last five years, with his only loss coming in a controversial twelve round decision last October against a bear.  A victory against Humsy would have given Di’Anno a shot to fight Momo the Giant Narwhal, the current reigning MBF heavyweight champion.

Humsy, a relative newcomer to the metal vocalists versus animals boxing scene, seemed unphased by the boisterous Las Vegas crowd.  He danced around the ring, reminding many reporters of a young Cassius Clay, repeatedly pounding Di’Anno with jabs to the face and chest.  Di’Anno landed several solid blows early, but was worn down by Humsy’s vicious bobbing and weaving as well as his years of drinking Koch’s Golden Anniversary, making bad albums and playing children’s birthday parties.

Humsy Prepares For His Fight With Di'Anno

Humsy Prepares For His Fight With Di’Anno

In the seventh round, Di’Anno lunged clumsily at Humsy with a right hook and was left wide open for a left-hand cross that knocked him to the mat for the fourth and final time.  The man who recorded two of the finest metal records in the history of the genre clutched at the ropes trying to pull himself up, but was never able to get to his feet.  As the ref counted Di’Anno out, Humsy was fed a cookie by his handler as and bounced around the ring to waves of wild cheering from the capacity crowd.

Humsy is already looking at a potential pay-per-view matchup against former, current Queensryche vocalist Geoff Tate in a match that some experts have dubbed “The Fight of the Century”.  Tate, who recently pummeled a seal into a coma during a September fight at SeaWorld, is the number one ranked contender for the heavyweight crown.  Humsy’s trainer Angelo Caprice, however, has indicated he’d be open to fighting lesser known vocalists like Metal Church singer Mike Howe, who has fallen on hard times recently and is so broke he can’t afford to pay attention.

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U.S. Mainland Braces For Late April Release Of Over 20,000 Queensryche Albums

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April may indeed be the cruelest month for fans of the band Queensryche.  Since The Great Queensryche Schism of 2012, several bands have emerged with the name Queensryche, leaving many in the metal community in a state of total panic and utter confusion.  After Geoff Tate’s abrupt firing, the band broke off into two distinct units with the catchy monikers Queensryche with Todd LaTorre and Queensryche Starring Geoff Tate The Original Voice.  Things quickly spiraled out of control.

Thousands of people who have been associated with the band have stepped forward producing albums under the Queensryche name.  Bobby Murphy, a drum tech from the original Operation:  Mindcrime Tour, plans to release an album using the band name “Queensryche Starring That Ruddy, Poorly Shaven Guy Who Used To Score Dope and Painted Ladies For Them When They Were In Detroit And Parts of The Upper Peninsula” on April 19th.

Dwayne McGill, the band’s accountant during the late 1980s has gotten into the mix recording under the name “Queensryche With The Guy Who Figured Out That Geoff’s Ten Thousand Dollar Haircut Was A Legitimate Deduction”.  That record is due April 21st.

James Calbreath, a promotions specialist who worked with the band early in their career will be issuing an album using the alias “Queensryche Featuring The Guy Who Told Geoff That Putting An Umlaut Above The Y Would Make Them Look European And Therefore Allow Them To Perceived as Deeply Intellectual By Most Americans” drops on April 22nd.

Even people who have never had anything to do with the band have gotten in on the trend.  “Metal” Mark Krutzenheimer, a Connecticut man who had all of the lyrics to “Queen of The Reich” tattooed on his back in Proto Norse, will be using the designation “Queensryche Spotlighting The Voice of The Guy Who Broke Off His Engagement With A Girl Because She Said Jet City Woman Was Her Favorite Song By The Band” when his record hits stores on April 23rd.

Geoff Tate, formerly Eddie Garfield, a traveling vacuum cleaner salesman who changed his name to Geoff Tate in 1995 during his conversion to Islam has an album coming out on April 25th.  On it, his band will be referred to as “Queensryche Starring The Geoff Tate Who Spent Six Months In Guantanamo Bay Because He Happened To Be Selling A Copy of Muhammad Speaks In Valdosta, Georgia.”

These are only a small sampling from the thousands of Queensryche albums that are expected.  Bob Rockenfield, a noted Queensryche expert and professor at University of Anencephaly in Lake City, Florida, fears that this onslaught of April Queensryche releases will lead to a period of Queensryche Inflation, an economic condition where all Queensryche albums become equally valueless and people are unable to milk every possible cent out of the band’s name.

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