Posts Tagged Metal Bands Sucking Every Remaining Cent Out of Their Formerly Valuable Image

Kiss Army Invades Poland

War Criminals?

War Criminals?

“Death, makeup, savagery, merchandising rights, Lick It Up…” 

These are the words being posted on social media by the devastated citizens of Poland the day after the Kiss Army unilaterally invaded their country. Thousands are feared dead or overcharged for concert tickets, following this, the latest aggressive act by the hardcore group of Kiss fans. The United Nations Security Council is scheduled to meet later this afternoon to discuss their options while various human rights groups have decried the actions of the Kiss and their army.

The invasion of Poland by Kiss Army forces, not to be confused with the Vinnie Vincent Invasion, is rumored to have started shortly after Gene Simmons discovered a Warsaw flea market selling bootleg copies of Revenge. Simmons issued an ominous statement which said, “You Poles better pay up, I have two ugly children who have a $400,000 a day diamond laced orange sherbet habit. You think you can get a piece of the Kiss fatherland? There is going to be hell to pay.”

However, tensions between the Kiss Army and Poland are more deeply rooted and may go all the way back to 2008 when Prime Minister Donald Tusk refused to allow Tommy Thayer to wear Ace Frehley’s makeup, thereby forcing him to miss the band’s Polish dates and robbing Kiss of their one member who can play an instrument competently.

Polish citizens are facing numerous challenges following the invasion, most notably only being allowed to buy Kiss products. Most Poles are complaining that despite looking great and being readily available, most Kiss products are overpriced and lack any true substance. Kiss guitarist and plastic surgery aficionado Paul Stanley claims this is ridiculous, saying, “sure some of our products are missing their original ingredients, but with the just the right touch and a lot of lawyers, you can make even the worst product great…in fact, most people won’t even know it’s not the real thing.”

Perhaps the most alarming figure is the number of Kiss caskets ordered following the invasion, with over 1,000 “rocking death vessels” already being shipped to Europe.

Both political and cultural leaders have been vocal in their criticism of the Kiss Army following today’s events. Barrack Obama was quoted as saying, “this is almost as bad as Hot in the Shade…almost.”

Noted astrophysicist Neil deGrasse Tyson added, “I have always hypothesized that Kiss and their fans were the most despicable people on earth, but not I have the quantifiable evidence!”

Memes misquoting Dr. Tyson found their way to social media immediately and have been misused and misunderstood throughout the day.

Yet despite their heinous actions and deplorable music, Kiss and their army have their supporters. Long time overweight Kiss apologist Eddie Trunk said, “Look, this invasion of Poland is the best thing Kiss has done since Love Gun. I know a lot of people want to see these guys hang it up and give Poland a break, but so long as Peter Criss comes on my radio show and lets me suck up to him, I will always be a Kiss fan.”

Other noted Kiss fanatics such as Sebastian Bach were seen wearing authorized “Polish Invasion” tour shirts and have boycotted polish sausage, decrying Poland as a country that just doesn’t understand what good music is.

Kiss has started a kickstarter campaign to further fund their invasion, offering videos of polish children being tortured with Paul Stanley solo records for $73 and pictures of Gene Simmons ego, taken from space, for only $144. In the meantime, the world can only wait and see if and when this will all ever end…and at what price.

, , , , , , , , , , , , ,

2 Comments

U.S. Mainland Braces For Late April Release Of Over 20,000 Queensryche Albums

tumblr_mao21l0H3m1qd92ix

April may indeed be the cruelest month for fans of the band Queensryche.  Since The Great Queensryche Schism of 2012, several bands have emerged with the name Queensryche, leaving many in the metal community in a state of total panic and utter confusion.  After Geoff Tate’s abrupt firing, the band broke off into two distinct units with the catchy monikers Queensryche with Todd LaTorre and Queensryche Starring Geoff Tate The Original Voice.  Things quickly spiraled out of control.

Thousands of people who have been associated with the band have stepped forward producing albums under the Queensryche name.  Bobby Murphy, a drum tech from the original Operation:  Mindcrime Tour, plans to release an album using the band name “Queensryche Starring That Ruddy, Poorly Shaven Guy Who Used To Score Dope and Painted Ladies For Them When They Were In Detroit And Parts of The Upper Peninsula” on April 19th.

Dwayne McGill, the band’s accountant during the late 1980s has gotten into the mix recording under the name “Queensryche With The Guy Who Figured Out That Geoff’s Ten Thousand Dollar Haircut Was A Legitimate Deduction”.  That record is due April 21st.

James Calbreath, a promotions specialist who worked with the band early in their career will be issuing an album using the alias “Queensryche Featuring The Guy Who Told Geoff That Putting An Umlaut Above The Y Would Make Them Look European And Therefore Allow Them To Perceived as Deeply Intellectual By Most Americans” drops on April 22nd.

Even people who have never had anything to do with the band have gotten in on the trend.  “Metal” Mark Krutzenheimer, a Connecticut man who had all of the lyrics to “Queen of The Reich” tattooed on his back in Proto Norse, will be using the designation “Queensryche Spotlighting The Voice of The Guy Who Broke Off His Engagement With A Girl Because She Said Jet City Woman Was Her Favorite Song By The Band” when his record hits stores on April 23rd.

Geoff Tate, formerly Eddie Garfield, a traveling vacuum cleaner salesman who changed his name to Geoff Tate in 1995 during his conversion to Islam has an album coming out on April 25th.  On it, his band will be referred to as “Queensryche Starring The Geoff Tate Who Spent Six Months In Guantanamo Bay Because He Happened To Be Selling A Copy of Muhammad Speaks In Valdosta, Georgia.”

These are only a small sampling from the thousands of Queensryche albums that are expected.  Bob Rockenfield, a noted Queensryche expert and professor at University of Anencephaly in Lake City, Florida, fears that this onslaught of April Queensryche releases will lead to a period of Queensryche Inflation, an economic condition where all Queensryche albums become equally valueless and people are unable to milk every possible cent out of the band’s name.

, , , , , , , , , ,

13 Comments

%d bloggers like this: